New here - insights welcome

[PATILYN]

I would always let the other person determine the speed at which the relationship moves ahead.

I wondered if this might be case. That I will have to lead this relationship forward? I have often wondered if I would have to actually tell him "we are in a relationship"?

 

[xudo]

1. Is it likely that he has any feelings for me in a romantic way? I know the easy answer is to ask him, but at this point, I would like some brotherly advise without actually having to do so?
2. If he thinks of me all the time, and said "he misses me already", why is it that I need to make all the arrangements for us to communicate?
3. Any advice for making my friend comfortable with the idea that we could be more?

1: Literally no way for anyone other than him to answer that. Just because we are on the spectrum, does not mean we are the same or can read another persons mind.
2: Again, can't really say. Maybe he knows that he's supposed to say things like he misses you but it doesn't occur to him to make contact otherwise.
3: Talk to him about these points.

Also, you say he's undiagnosed, as in you think he is on the spectrum? Or he's self diagnosed/he thinks he could be on the spectrum?

 

[PATILYN]

1: Literally no way for anyone other than him to answer that. Just because we are on the spectrum, does not mean we are the same or can read another persons mind.
2: Again, can't really say. Maybe he knows that he's supposed to say things like he misses you but it doesn't occur to him to make contact otherwise.
3: Talk to him about these points.

Also, you say he's undiagnosed, as in you think he is on the spectrum? Or he's self diagnosed/he thinks he could be on the spectrum?

He is self-diagnosed. He is aware and he is aware of the difficulties in his life that he attributes to this. I appreciate your candor about him knowing his own mind, but he has told me that he lacks words to tell me things and has trouble with his feelings. As a result, I was hoping that perhaps someone else might have felt and acted the same way he does and it would help me help us.

 

[InPrincipio]

If he lacks words, then maybe it would help him to take a step-approach, such as visualizing first and then putting it into words. Or maybe even firstly, try writing down a couple of questions, with simple to-the-point language, and give him time to process, before requiring an answer.
Men typically need more processing time, and especially if they are aspie men. And most aspies think in pictures.

 

[dragoncat16]

Since he is self-diagnosed, that suggests to me a very high level of functioning, since any significant deficit would have been picked up during his childhood. The language you and he have used in texts, etc. suggests romantic feelings on both sides which would have been picked up by him as well (given his high level of functioning). If you have kissed romantically (I know that you and he would both know whether it is that or "just as friends"), and held hands and things like that, you are probably already in a relationship. If he isn't good with words (though your texts seem as if he is ok with that even if he doesn't initiate it), then maybe move things gradually forward in other ways, at a pace comfortable for both of you, and see how he responds.

 

[xudo]

He is self-diagnosed. He is aware and he is aware of the difficulties in his life that he attributes to this. I appreciate your candor about him knowing his own mind, but he has told me that he lacks words to tell me things and has trouble with his feelings. As a result, I was hoping that perhaps someone else might have felt and acted the same way he does and it would help me help us.

Maybe try getting him to write things down then, instead of speaking.

Also, as I said before, no two people on the spectrum are the same. Even if someone else had felt and acted the same way, the reasons for and any solutions to that are likely very different for each person.

 

[PATILYN]

Since he is self-diagnosed, that suggests to me a very high level of functioning, since any significant deficit would have been picked up during his childhood.

Thank you for comments regarding the level of functioning. Because he is close to 50 and not born in North America, the "flags" were not identified in childhood. He is well aware of the difficulties that he experienced and is aware that he is different. He suspects but is struggling to accept.

 

[dragoncat16]

I was born in North America, and nobody noticed any flags for me either. I know all about feeling different but not knowing why.

I think he is fortunate to have you in his life. If you also feel fortunate to have him in your life, then you know there is something there.

 

[PATILYN]

I was born in North America, and nobody noticed any flags for me either. I know all about feeling different but not knowing why.

I think he is fortunate to have you in his life. If you also feel fortunate to have him in your life, then you know there is something there.

Thank you for that kind comment.

I love having him in my life. I miss his physical self. I have been very explicit about my feelings for him and told him so in words. I assured him that he is fine just the way he is. Although he has not told me that he loves me, as I said earlier, he confirmed that he feels the same way about our special relationship which is hanging somewhere between friends and slightly more.

I believe that love is an action ... and I need to learn the actions that will speak most effectively to him. That is why I am here. To learn the language and to understand what is required to be in a love-filled relationship.

I also need to know that I can have my own needs met in this relationship so that it remains sustainable.

Thank you very very much.

 

[Mary 1]

Hi Patilyn
I read your story and found it very similar to mine although your relationship is longer then mine. Mine is only just over a month. However, my man is also AS and I am also NT. We were in romantic relationship. Kissing was slow growing from kiss on a cheek to proper kiss. Very similar! He said also he loves me very much (very often) and I told him the same. However, it was me who initiated our relationship on dating site, it was me who suggested first date, me who organised each of our dates, me who would start telephone conversations, me who would call him and ask how is he doing....it was me initiating everything when I roll back time and think.. He stopped sending me emails as from yesterday and today no emails again. He just shut down compleely. He is going through bad cold and feels very ill. He said he is exhausted and tired last week and a half. We haven't seen each other 2 weeks now since he got this cold. However, I also think he is going through some kind of crisis or meltdown and I partly blame myself because of such wonderful dates we had with so many activities involved which I organised and he happily joined me enjoying them all. I love him very much and I am sure he loves me too. But why he is not communicating with me? Why he stopped talking to me? We spoke every day on a phone, sometimes twice and they were long conversations always. Should I initiate again email conversations? We agreed by the way most recently to communicate via email as he found that the best way of communicating while being ill. I have the same dilemma as you. Why i have to start our communication every time? He texted me first few times though. If I email him after few days would he reply? Or not? It would be even worse for me if he doesnt reply. What if he just don' have feeling for time and no sense of the need to contact me and is waiting for me to start our communication again?

I am confused sorry as I am new in this and would really appreciate some advice.

 

[PATILYN]

Hi Patilyn
I read your story and found it very similar to mine although your relationship is longer then mine. Mine is only just over a month. However, my man is also AS and I am also NT. We were in romantic relationship. Kissing was slow growing from kiss on a cheek to proper kiss. Very similar! He said also he loves me very much (very often) and I told him the same. However, it was me who initiated our relationship on dating site, it was me who suggested first date, me who organised each of our dates, me who would start telephone conversations, me who would call him and ask how is he doing....it was me initiating everything when I roll back time and think.. He stopped sending me emails as from yesterday and today no emails again. He just shut down compleely. He is going through bad cold and feels very ill. He said he is exhausted and tired last week and a half. We haven't seen each other 2 weeks now since he got this cold. However, I also think he is going through some kind of crisis or meltdown and I partly blame myself because of such wonderful dates we had with so many activities involved which I organised and he happily joined me enjoying them all. I love him very much and I am sure he loves me too. But why he is not communicating with me? Why he stopped talking to me? We spoke every day on a phone, sometimes twice and they were long conversations always. Should I initiate again email conversations? We agreed by the way most recently to communicate via email as he found that the best way of communicating while being ill. I have the same dilemma as you. Why i have to start our communication every time? He texted me first few times though. If I email him after few days would he reply? Or not? It would be even worse for me if he doesnt reply. What if he just don' have feeling for time and no sense of the need to contact me and is waiting for me to start our communication again?

I am confused sorry as I am new in this and would really appreciate some advice.

Hi Patilyn
I read your story and found it very similar to mine although your relationship is longer then mine. Mine is only just over a month. However, my man is also AS and I am also NT. We were in romantic relationship. Kissing was slow growing from kiss on a cheek to proper kiss. Very similar! He said also he loves me very much (very often) and I told him the same. However, it was me who initiated our relationship on dating site, it was me who suggested first date, me who organised each of our dates, me who would start telephone conversations, me who would call him and ask how is he doing....it was me initiating everything when I roll back time and think.. He stopped sending me emails as from yesterday and today no emails again. He just shut down compleely. He is going through bad cold and feels very ill. He said he is exhausted and tired last week and a half. We haven't seen each other 2 weeks now since he got this cold. However, I also think he is going through some kind of crisis or meltdown and I partly blame myself because of such wonderful dates we had with so many activities involved which I organised and he happily joined me enjoying them all. I love him very much and I am sure he loves me too. But why he is not communicating with me? Why he stopped talking to me? We spoke every day on a phone, sometimes twice and they were long conversations always. Should I initiate again email conversations? We agreed by the way most recently to communicate via email as he found that the best way of communicating while being ill. I have the same dilemma as you. Why i have to start our communication every time? He texted me first few times though. If I email him after few days would he reply? Or not? It would be even worse for me if he doesnt reply. What if he just don' have feeling for time and no sense of the need to contact me and is waiting for me to start our communication again?

I am confused sorry as I am new in this and would really appreciate some advice.

Hi Mary ... I wish I had the perfect words to reassure you. I know that the confusing lack of contact is the most difficult piece for me as a NT. I think if you keep the contact to email as agreed and keep it uncomplicated and lighthearted it might be best. Be patient. And be kind to yourself at the same time ... it is not your fault. I think processing the relationship might be using up some of his energy. He will have thoughts in his head that he might not realize he should tell you. Through it ... this flu sickness ... He only has his own perspective ... for example, he feels sick and as such is tired and run down. He doesn’t feel up to chatting etc. But he doesn’t see your perspective that you are worried. I would not put that worry on him at this stage of your relationship. I would make sure that your emails contain questions that require an answer ... as opposed to just information. I would remain consistent ... be the same woman that he loves.

Some members here have great posts about AS/NT communication ... their insights took me some time to process ... but I have read them many times and each time, they begin to make more and more sense ...

And advice from me to you ... make sure you are doing everything you can to work on your own happiness ... outside of this relationship. All relationships can be hard but you will need a very good reserve of self love to navigate this one. Your self doubts will sabotage it completely if you falter on feeling good about you ... because the things you expect as a NT are not always clear to your man. But that is not because you are lacking.

 

[Mary 1]

Dear Patilyn

Thank you for your kind words and reply. It means so much to me. Yes, I agree with all that you have said. He need time to process things and so do I. I should not be blaming myself and selfdoubt as I started to think. This is not good place to be. I will be consistent and I will keep it light and open. I want to tell him I still love him because he might be thinking that I am not interested any more. And will ask him questions....
My questions woukd be:
Do you still love me because I truly still love you? Straight forward question and explanation.
Do you feel better? I hope your cold is better and your recovery is going well.
I really would like to go to the Fair we planned to go together on 11 March. Would you still like to take me with you? Please take me with you if you are going.

What do you think?

I hope those questions are very open and honest.

Thank you again. I am hoping to hear from you again soon.....

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Do you still love me because I truly still love you?

Not quite straightforward. 'Still' - a negative focus word creating doubt and possibly starting a process.
Remove still imo.

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you Fridgemagnetman

Really appreciated. I will remove "still" from my question..any other comments or suggestion? Please.....

Thank you

 

[Streetwise]

it's the panic in your questions ,I find it distressing ,I try to shut down if something is distressing .
for me my life is based around being happy or hyperventilating because something distressed me ,like a child at the age when it is an infant but close to being a toddler.
emotions are mind numbingly shattering , just occurred to me autism reminds me of Multiple Sclerosis because the Myelin sheath has been destroyed the persons muscles are extremely sensitive .

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you Streetwise, appreciated.
So would you take out question completely and I just tell him that I LOVE HIM TRULY? Maybe that would be better approach? What do you think? I would like to let him know that I love him truly despite several days of no communication. He might think I am over and done with him and don't want him any longer.
Any other comments will be greatly welcomed.
Thank you

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thank you Streetwise, appreciated.
So would you take out question completely and I just tell him that I LOVE HIM TRULY? Maybe that would be better approach? What do you think? I would like to let him know that I love him truly despite several days of no communication. He might think I am over and done with him and don't want him any longer.
Any other comments will be greatly welcomed.
Thank you

Say I LOVE YOU.
no expectations, no other words.
Then he'll know.

Your challenge is getting to know the hidden expectations behind what you say (not just you)
Talking without expectations is perfect for us lot.
Direct. No hidden meanings.

Very,very difficult to do as an NT.

 

[PATILYN]

Mary, I agree with Fridgemagnetman .... you really don't need any more clarification. He has told you what he feels for you. You have no reason to believe he has changed his mind. It is perhaps a bit too much to use the word "still" in any emails to him. He has a cold and his is trying to feel better. It has been a big help to me to accept that wanting reassurances of the status of the relationship is harmful to you both, in the end. It is a complicated road you have in front of you. Acceptance of the impact of AS on your relationship is key. Right now, it is early in the day for you both so it is on you to decide what you can manage.

As for declaring your love and your continued interest, I might add that some AS men, are full of words of love and affection quickly ... some never say them. I believe in saying what is in my own heart for no other purpose than it feels right. But I have also learned to accept that there may not be any words coming back. So go forward in this understanding.

Of course you are going to the fair. I don't see why he would not be going with you. Believe him that you are going. He has said so.

If you are authentic and loving and true to your own heart, then he will either join you or he will not. You will be able to tell more as time goes by. A month or two is a very short time to grow love and trust.

Go slowly on this ... and be good to yourself.

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you both....this is really helpful...all your comments.
Yes, Patilyn and Fridgemagnetman, I am truly in love with him and I want to stay like that. I don't need to ask him that question because he was saying very early into our relationship (after our two dates face to face) probably second date that he is in love with me, that I am perfect woman for him and that he loves me a lot. He even learned some words on my native language which was just adorable and told me in my language that he loves me. I was just overwhelmed with his attention for me and his dedication to our relationship. He would send me hundreds of kisses on his email and when we were together he was constantly holding my hand and we kissed a lot lately. He was giving me everything I never had with my ex husband.

However, I must learn to understand what he is gong through at the moment....it is not easy for me being NT. But I am persistent and I want to get him back. I accept that AS will have impact and it does have now impact on our relationship. Patilyn you are so right there.....and I want to learn how to get him back to me without stressing him out. I have to take time to write my email to him. I will write it on Sunday and might post it here for your comments. It will be lighthearted and open. No hidden meanings....just clear words. Promise. I hope these thoughts are ok.

 

[LucyPurrs]

"It has been a big help to me to accept that wanting reassurances of the status of the relationship is harmful to you both, in the end." I found this out the hard way. I would say "I love you so much." No questions about whether he loved me, no hints or anything. My intent was just to be loving. Classic NT stuff I guess. He interpreted that to mean that I was trying to convince him of something he already knew. Finally told me it was annoying for him to hear this as he already knew it and did not need reassurance. That hit me pretty hard until I learned that it is typical response of his personality style. Although I never expected him to say I love you to me he has done so a couple of times. I don't expect it again as he's already told me nothing has changed and if it does he will tell me. I look to his behavior to see his caring messages. He lets me know in ways most NTs would miss completely I think. And so I am trying to speak his language of love which is not verbal, rather than saying what comes naturally to me. It's hard but doable. I love him too much to ignore his messages or place expectations on him to change.