Moaning

[Misty Avich]

I fit in well at work. As a person with RSD I do easily sense when I'm not accepted, but I do feel accepted where I work. It's just this one guy I guess. He doesn't usually express to anyone that he likes anyone (ironically he literally 'moans' about everyone) but the union rep did actually say that he said he likes me. I believe it, because I know the union rep wouldn't just say that (she's the professional type who takes things seriously and isn't the sort to be interested in cliques) and he wouldn't just say that to the union rep either, being so he usually expresses annoyance with everyone behind their backs, even me no doubt lol. He's even expressed annoyance about people to the union rep, but to be told he said something nice about me to her did make me smile.

Yes, maybe I should just ignore when he criticises me. Often he jokes around with me, but when he's in a bad mood he'll sort of take it out on me instead. Maybe it's because I'm a woman and there are more men than women in my workplace, and he sees women as inferior or something. If that's the case then it's easier for me to not take it personally and to just put it down to him being old-school (he is 70, after all).

 

[Shamar]

I hate it when people say "stop moaning" to me. It feels very dismissive to my feelings. I understand when I was younger when I would literally whine and moan a lot in an annoying high-pitched tone, but I don't generally do that any more, haven't done for years, and have learnt how to express my feelings in a more socially acceptable way and come across as chilled and happier.
But some still say it - often when I'm not moaning at all.
Yesterday a co-worker of mine did. There was an awful smell from one of the drains nearby that permeated indoors, and I was like "oh, that stinks!" but in a laughing sort of tone, as I actually found it funny. Then I was having a conversation about smells with another co-worker, no "moaning" involved at all, and the other co-worker came back in and said to me "oh stop your moaning already!" I know when people are joking, and he wasn't joking, he meant it seriously.
I literally wasn't moaning at all. I was just chatting, being expressive, just like anyone else.
I remember when I was at college, I was in a happy mood and sounded cheerful in everything I said. The teacher gave us all a book and, having a lot of books already in my bag, I said matter of factly "I'm not sure that would fit in my bag". And some girl from right across the room yelled out "do you ever stop moaning??" in a criticising sort of way. This really upset me and I wished I could have smacked her one. I literally wasn't moaning at all, I was just stating something. And even if I was moaning, so what? I wasn't even talking to her. She was sitting at the other side of the room chatting to her friends.
It gets frustrating. I think most other people moan a lot more than I do these days but I never tell them to stop moaning. I think it's rude, unless you are literally moaning (wailing or nagging or complaining about anything in a certain high-pitched tone of voice and in a miserable mood). If I do complain, I've learnt to do it how others often do it, in a jokey, upbeat tone, or just like I'm stating something matter of factly but not carrying on and on.

I'm trying to think of some suitable, intelligent or assertive responses to say whenever someone yells at me to stop moaning when I clearly wasn't, other than "I'm not moaning". Can anyone help me here?

I haven't seen this in a few years, but at one time (in some regions?) "moaning" meant "complaining," but on a lesser scale (older members may remember this). Thus, when they say "Stop your moaning," they really mean "stop your complaining."

 

[Misty Avich]

I haven't seen this in a few years, but at one time (in some regions?) "moaning" meant "complaining," but on a lesser scale (older members may remember this). Thus, when they say "Stop your moaning," they really mean "stop your complaining."

I know. That's the point.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m gonna echo what some other people say: maybe you come off rather negative in your interactions and people are responding to that. Maybe your coworker is the one telling you to stop your moaning because he actually likes you and wants you to know people perceive you as someone that complains too much. Maybe your coworker does say it as a joke but he has deadpan delivery and you’re not picking up on this.

I don’t know, I wasn’t there. But if several people in different settings have responded to you this way, and you want it to stop, it might be good to re-evaluate how you communicate with people. Or ask your coworker specifically for feedback. You said you’re good at socializing, so I assume this won’t be a problem.

 

[Misty Avich]

I’m gonna echo what some other people say: maybe you come off rather negative in your interactions and people are responding to that. Maybe your coworker is the one telling you to stop your moaning because he actually likes you and wants you to know people perceive you as someone that complains too much. Maybe your coworker does say it as a joke but he has deadpan delivery and you’re not picking up on this.

I don’t know, I wasn’t there. But if several people in different settings have responded to you this way, and you want it to stop, it might be good to re-evaluate how you communicate with people. Or ask your coworker specifically for feedback. You said you’re good at socializing, so I assume this won’t be a problem.

I know I don't complain much though. As I already mentioned in my OP, I have learnt how to be more positive when socialising, unlike when I was a child. Admittedly I get told to stop moaning less in adulthood than I did as a child. When I was a child everyone said it to me. Nowadays only very few people say it. My husband only said it once or twice to me - but I was complaining.
I know exactly when I'm complaining and when I'm not, as I have learnt through experience. So I get frustrated when I'm told to stop moaning when I'm just having a conversation.

Also some people do literally complain and rant all the time but nobody tells them to stop.

 

[Bolletje]

I know I don't complain much though.

What I mean is, maybe the way you say things (could be intonation, could be phrasing, could be timing, could be frequency) is perceived as complaining or being negative without you realizing it.