Moaning

[Misty Avich]

I hate it when people say "stop moaning" to me. It feels very dismissive to my feelings. I understand when I was younger when I would literally whine and moan a lot in an annoying high-pitched tone, but I don't generally do that any more, haven't done for years, and have learnt how to express my feelings in a more socially acceptable way and come across as chilled and happier.
But some still say it - often when I'm not moaning at all.
Yesterday a co-worker of mine did. There was an awful smell from one of the drains nearby that permeated indoors, and I was like "oh, that stinks!" but in a laughing sort of tone, as I actually found it funny. Then I was having a conversation about smells with another co-worker, no "moaning" involved at all, and the other co-worker came back in and said to me "oh stop your moaning already!" I know when people are joking, and he wasn't joking, he meant it seriously.
I literally wasn't moaning at all. I was just chatting, being expressive, just like anyone else.
I remember when I was at college, I was in a happy mood and sounded cheerful in everything I said. The teacher gave us all a book and, having a lot of books already in my bag, I said matter of factly "I'm not sure that would fit in my bag". And some girl from right across the room yelled out "do you ever stop moaning??" in a criticising sort of way. This really upset me and I wished I could have smacked her one. I literally wasn't moaning at all, I was just stating something. And even if I was moaning, so what? I wasn't even talking to her. She was sitting at the other side of the room chatting to her friends.
It gets frustrating. I think most other people moan a lot more than I do these days but I never tell them to stop moaning. I think it's rude, unless you are literally moaning (wailing or nagging or complaining about anything in a certain high-pitched tone of voice and in a miserable mood). If I do complain, I've learnt to do it how others often do it, in a jokey, upbeat tone, or just like I'm stating something matter of factly but not carrying on and on.

I'm trying to think of some suitable, intelligent or assertive responses to say whenever someone yells at me to stop moaning when I clearly wasn't, other than "I'm not moaning". Can anyone help me here?

 

[The Pandector]

I suspect you are almost as literal as I am. They aren’t saying that you are moaning really, they are characterizing your communication as being of a moaning quality. If they won’t stop with this, try a frosty stare or start barking orders at them.

 

[Tom]

Some underlying issues here may be about understanding other's perspectives and also 'reading the room'. Things you might say are part of social awareness. Which is not usually our strong point.

Since it has occurred often, over time and from different people I think it safe to say something in your dialogue or delivery is triggering that impression in people (presumably NTs).

If you want it to stop you will have to study the problem and try and figure out what it is creating that impression and try modifying it to see if it will stop.

I think this sort of process actually occurs frequently with many people, NTs included. But I suspect it happens early on and much more rapidly as it is more instinctive with NTs.

Personnally I remember purposely shifting from studying school subjects to studying my peers intensely in public High School. Basically with the goal of being able to pass as one of them.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm not literal really, nor am I incapable of ''reading the room''. I do the exact same thing as NTs do, and I've always figured it's because I have a weak personality as to why people think they can say anything they like to me for dominance. Usually the people who are literally the type to moan and rant the most are the type to tell me to ''stop whining''.

 

[Rodafina]

Since you guys brought up literal brains, my brain thought this thread was going to be about either sexual moaning or pain induced moaning.

 

[vergil96]

Maybe it meant that she thought you talk too much and she finds it annoying. I get that feeling from the situation.

 

[Judge]

I do the exact same thing as NTs do, and I've always figured it's because I have a weak personality as to why people think they can say anything they like to me for dominance. Usually the people who are literally the type to moan and rant the most are the type to tell me to ''stop whining''.

Seems to me this involves unspoken words that are in play. Involving one or more coworkers telling you that they do not like you personally. Where hypocrisy reigns over that which others can do, for which you are condemned for. Where there's no point whatsoever in parsing the word "moan" to them. That will just increase the ire already in play against you.

That ugly dynamic in most any workplace where a group of coworkers simply doesn't like someone. When as opposed to just one person a group formally complains about such persons to management, and punitive action may occur against the individual in question. A dynamic I've seen a number of times in the workplace over many years. And there's nothing like seeing social dominance of a group of workers in an office.

In essence if your problem is truly with only one person, ignore them. Don't interact with them if possible. However if this involves more people, you indeed have a real problem where you must learn to tread lightly, whether you think you are in the right or not. It's not fair, but it's also in a scenario where "fair" doesn't really exist. And if you can't handle this scenario, considering going elsewhere, that the social chemistry even in the same capacity of work might be different in whole or in part.

 

[vergil96]

Usually the people who are literally the type to moan and rant the most are the type to tell me to ''stop whining''.

I also think it could have been that attention to detail or not being able to quickly figure out practical things is interpreted as complaining by some people. I've been told that when I literally cannot figure out how to do some manual task that requires handling a mess of things.

 

[Misty Avich]

I knew someone would think this thread would be about that kind of moaning, but I'm also aware that Americans do use the word moan as a synonym for complain too.

Maybe it meant that she thought you talk too much and she finds it annoying. I get that feeling from the situation.

Well she could have said "do you ever stop talking?" - although I was rather shy and unpopular and never hung out with her.
It just seems like nearly everyone I meet is in on some sort of conspiracy where they have to associate me with moaning, without even using the other synonyms.

I read the room pretty well. If there's a bad smell and others have expressed disgust then I'm sure it's appropriate to express my disgust too. Then the other co-worker (not the one who told me to stop moaning) initiated the conversation on smells by saying that she used to live near a farm and often had bad smells that came into her house, and I was just responding to her by empathising how I imagined it must have felt. Then I said that I'd probably get used to it if I lived on a farm. A totally civilised conversation without any negative emotions involved, yet the male co-worker had to rudely tell me to stop the [annoying M-word].

Socialising ain't hard but I love the way Aspies make it sound like it is.

 

[vergil96]

Well she could have said "do you ever stop talking?" - although I was rather shy and unpopular and never hung out with her.

But people often don't say things directly, they don't even know well themselves what they want or feel, but will use vague associations and a system of pushes and pulls. They sort of act on instinct they don't reflect on and they will say not quite related things that popped into their mind as a description, but don't quite fit.

Idk, it's been just my experience to get that kind of feedback when I start to talk a lot and in detail. Vague not quite related negative responses such as "you're complaining" when I'm not, "you're angry and/or attacking" when I'm not, "you think too much, just do it" , "what is your problem?" etc. I have no problem, I'm just explaining - something that proved to be obvious to this person.

 

[ra49]

there's a reason why I prefer to stay home more than out in the world

After 66 years of parsing every blessed syllable to try to understand people, it's too much every day anymore.

They are too confusing and altho I may deduce the what, the why always eludes me.

 

[Rodafina]

Socialising ain't hard but I love the way Aspies make it sound like it is.

Well, for this one, it is very hard. So when I talk about it, I probably make it sound very hard.

 

[Magna]

Yet, "Good moaning" is an entirely appropriate salutation to give someone in the A.M.!

 

[330]

I find socializing very hard and exhausting.
I have observed through personal experience, some people are just rude and bullies, they say comments to be hurtful and they have the proper social skills, body language , expressions to make it seem as if they are joking in a non threatening way . But underneath it’s really not a joke. In some weird kind of dichotomy makes them feel better about themselves.

 

[Magna]

Socialising ain't hard but I love the way Aspies make it sound like it is.

^ Ouch.

 

[Misty Avich]

Well, for this one, it is very hard. So when I talk about it, I probably make it sound very hard.

It isn't hard to me. I just get frustrated when I'm treated differently, like there's a double standard.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I hate it when people say "stop moaning" to me. It feels very dismissive to my feelings. I understand when I was younger when I would literally whine and moan a lot in an annoying high-pitched tone, but I don't generally do that any more, haven't done for years, and have learnt how to express my feelings in a more socially acceptable way and come across as chilled and happier.
But some still say it - often when I'm not moaning at all.
Yesterday a co-worker of mine did. There was an awful smell from one of the drains nearby that permeated indoors, and I was like "oh, that stinks!" but in a laughing sort of tone, as I actually found it funny. Then I was having a conversation about smells with another co-worker, no "moaning" involved at all, and the other co-worker came back in and said to me "oh stop your moaning already!" I know when people are joking, and he wasn't joking, he meant it seriously.
I literally wasn't moaning at all. I was just chatting, being expressive, just like anyone else.
I remember when I was at college, I was in a happy mood and sounded cheerful in everything I said. The teacher gave us all a book and, having a lot of books already in my bag, I said matter of factly "I'm not sure that would fit in my bag". And some girl from right across the room yelled out "do you ever stop moaning??" in a criticising sort of way. This really upset me and I wished I could have smacked her one. I literally wasn't moaning at all, I was just stating something. And even if I was moaning, so what? I wasn't even talking to her. She was sitting at the other side of the room chatting to her friends.
It gets frustrating. I think most other people moan a lot more than I do these days but I never tell them to stop moaning. I think it's rude, unless you are literally moaning (wailing or nagging or complaining about anything in a certain high-pitched tone of voice and in a miserable mood). If I do complain, I've learnt to do it how others often do it, in a jokey, upbeat tone, or just like I'm stating something matter of factly but not carrying on and on.

I'm trying to think of some suitable, intelligent or assertive responses to say whenever someone yells at me to stop moaning when I clearly wasn't, other than "I'm not moaning". Can anyone help me here?

"Stop moaning" can also mean: They are reacting to your negativity about whatever you are talking about. I've got a few co-workers that whenever they have something to say, it's something negative. It gets a bit tiresome to listen to. Nobody wants to be around a "negative Nancy".

It may have nothing to do with actual moaning.

"Stop moaning", "Quitchyerbitchen", "Do you want some cheese with that whine?", "I hear tiny violins playing in the background." All of this sort of sarcastic language is there to let you know "they don't want to hear it."

 

[Judge]

It isn't hard to me. I just get frustrated when I'm treated differently, like there's a double standard.

Perhaps the most prominent indicator of personal prejudice more than anything else.

An unspoken warning of sorts.

 

[Misty Avich]

"Stop moaning" can also mean: They are reacting to your negativity about whatever you are talking about. I've got a few co-workers that whenever they have something to say, it's something negative. It gets a bit tiresome to listen to. Nobody wants to be around a "negative Nancy".

It may have nothing to do with actual moaning.

"Stop moaning", "Quitchyerbitchen", "Do you want some cheese with that whine?", "I hear tiny violins playing in the background." All of this sort of sarcastic language is there to let you know "they don't want to hear it."

Well I wasn't talking to him, I was having a conversation with somebody else. Sometimes I've had someone yell "I wasn't talking to you" whenever I've quipped something about what they're saying that may have affected me in some way. But I guess it's all right for others to do the same thing. Maybe if your name is Misty the invisible book of unwritten social interaction routines doesn't include you lol.

 

[Aspychata]

Work places can definitely be cliquish. If the ones that think they know everything don't like you or haven't accepted you, it doesn't matter what you do. I was set up so many times in one place l worked, yet jumped all the hurdles, that they actually approached me to join them. True work situation. If "they" don't like you, too bad. I prefer working alone, way easier.