Masking/rejection anxiety

[dancingdolphins]

Hi!!!
I'm new to this forum and excited to be here.
I have just been writing about my fear of rejection and I wanted to share what I have written. Please let me know if you relate and if you have any advice to be able to not care so much, thank you!

I'm in a transparent case, all eyes on me. Yet I'm invisible all the same. My dreams envision me aborbed within the crowd, one of them. Belonging for some is a given, they do not understand how it feels to scourer every corner of the world and still not crack the code. I changed everything I could, I pushed myself to be in scenarios that my mind, body and soul screamed at me to leave. I nodded along to sentences I disagreed with and molded my voice to align with their narrative. I didn't exist. I am simply a mirror of the person who's acceptance I crave. To remove that layer and stand in front of them naked with nothing to cushion or fade my true self - well that's terrifying. If I am a mirror of them and they turn their back - they are rejecting themselves - they are not able to reject me in any real way. Is this manipulation or a survival tactic? In my darkest hours, I plead with God to tell me the way to be. Simply being myself opens the door for anyone to enter and shatter my world, is that the risk you take for an honest connection? People seem to be able to move on - forgive and forget. But for me, there is no forgetting and any rejection, however minor, continues to attack me and feel as fresh years down the road as it did yesterday.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Welcome @dancingdolphins,

One of the behavior characteristics associated with autism is a general lack of not emotional empathy, but rather cognitive empathy. Cognitive empathy is also known as perspective taking. Many of us suffer from "mind blindness". We often have either zero idea or false ideas of what others are thinking. So in your situation, you are concerned about what others think of you, which is actually a normal thing, but if taken to the point of anxiety, then it can be unhealthy. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, here, but most people do not think of you, or me, or anyone else for that matter nearly as much as we think they do. We have repetitive, intrusive thought patterns and we will dwell on things and ruminate for hours, if not days. Most people don't do this, but is also a behavioral characteristic of autism, as we often are rather alone with our thoughts.

You also are seeking the comfort, safety, and companionship of being part of a group, again, is a normal thing. However, this lack of connection is also a behavioral characteristic associated with autism. In fact, the Greek word for autism comes from the root word "auto" or "self", "people who are by themselves". So, very recently, in another thread, someone was frustrated that they couldn't "click" or "vibe" with other people. We all gave our thoughts on the topic, but I will repost what I said there, as it applies here, as well.

1. One of the "joys" (sarcasm) of being autistic is that neurotypicals will sense "something different" or "off" about us. Whether it be our neurodivergent thought patterns, the sometimes altered tone of voice, how we react or not react, our emotional control (too much or too little), our general lack of skills at conversing, our lack of openness to meeting new people, our difficulties with small talk, our degree of introversion, and so on. It's often some combination of things that other people will pick up on, and because they aren't thinking "autism" or know what autism is for that matter, but their amygdala's (fear centers) will activate and they will become rather distant. We end up living on the periphery, there but not there, in that "glass box".
2. Even if they know that you have autism or know what it is, many of us do not produce sufficient levels of oxytocin and vasopressin ("love hormones") from the posterior pituitary that might otherwise make us extroverts and/or engage in the type of social reciprocity that is required for a true friendship or long-term relationship. If you aren't thinking about this other person, frequently engaging with them with conversation, spending time with them, missing them when they are not present, etc. then the relationship becomes, at best, a friendly acquaintance. In other words, the types of behaviors required for a true friendship is a 2-way street, balanced, and if one or the other is lacking, the friendship falls apart. It's not to say that autistics cannot have "ride or die" friends, lovers, or spouses, but what it does mean is that there has to be more of a conscious effort. What may be simply instinctual and natural to others, simply isn't for many of us.
3. Autism is one of the "low dopamine" neurological conditions. There are at least 3 different gene mutations found within the autism population that affect dopamine turnover. Others may also be low in serotonin. What that means is that some of us may be clinically diagnosed with depression and others will be mildly depressed with a rather "flat affect", and others may be rather emotionally fragile and all it takes is a negative experience or even a few days of dark gray cloudy weather to put us into a depressed mood. Here's the consequence though. Most people do not want to associate with someone who is depressed. Sure, someone may walk up and ask "Are you OK?" but then when you either pull inward and become quiet or go on some rant of all your problems and negativity, the other person will often politely pull themselves away. They don't want to be around that. They'd rather be around happy, positive people.

There are other reasons for not "vibing" with someone else, but personally, it takes other people and myself, sometimes months or even years to become comfortable enough to "vibe" with me.

Tips:
1. Call it masking, lying, or coping but people respond well to "outward" thinkers. People who think of others, who will help, who will serve, who exhibit social reciprocity, etc.
2. Call it masking, lying, or coping but people respond well to positivity. There's a natural inclination for negativity whenever something doesn't go the way as anticipated or planned, when problems arise, etc. Pause. Squash down your knee-jerk tendency to go off on some rant. Think positive. Is this an opportunity to fix something so it doesn't happen again? Is there something you can do to help?
3. Since many of us have difficulties with assessing all the non-verbal language that may give us clues as to another person's intent, do have the intellectual curiosity to pause and ask clarifying questions. Most misunderstandings and conflicts are due to miscommunication issues.

At any rate, I hope this gives you something to think about and work with.

 

[Chris12345]

I was writing about this issue in another thread. I think it's striking a balance between trying to fit in and being yourself. There's no point hiding yourself completely just to fit in, that's just pretending. On the other hand, we all have to adapt to the world around us. If you can find things you're interested in that's a good start. And also finding people that like you for who you are is important.

I have some interests but not many social connections. I would like to have more friends, people who I can share my interests with. I feel I've had to change and adapt to fit into the world, that's inevitable. I think that has changed me for the better, my social skills are better than they used to be. But I'm not going to hide myself to an extreme degree just to 'fit in' - I don't see the point of that. You'll just end up exhausted and depressed.

I don't feel that I mask. I feel that I show my real personality in interactions. I don't think there's a hidden personality that isn't coming out. But obviously we all have to adapt ourselves to circumstances. People who aren't autistic also have to curtail and adapt their personality to fit in socially, though it may be easier for them.

Hope that addresses your concerns somewhat.

 

[Hypnalis]

@dancingdolphins

There's a general consensus that "the mask is not the self", which I agree with.
(chosen to read like "The map is not the place it represents").

Of the two, the mask is mutable, the self, much less so.

The point of this is that if your mask isn't working as you wish, you can and (IMO) should change it.
Step one is to understand what you're doing, and assess its effectiveness.

Of course you could just turn it off, but your text suggests that's not a desirable choice for you.
Or you could stay with what you have

But most of your mask was probably accreted as series of tactical defensive reaction to things that happened quite early in your life. Your adult mind would probably have understood more, and made different choices.
It's not too late to go back and "tune" it.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Welcome.

 

[jsilver256]

I've thought on what unmasking means, but I think the simplest answer is that I can't function around other people easily, particularly in group contexts.

I don't know what's being discussed, why it's being discussed, what's the meaning, etc. For example, I recently sat through a whole episode of Transplant and barely figuring out the plotlines that get wrapped under so much subtext.

When drinking, the feeling of this goes away, but rationally, I know that I am just removing the inhibition to talk on and on about other topics nobody is interested in.

The best I've done is just give myself permission to wear comfortable clothing (I have extreme touch/comfort issues) and that takes the edge off a bit. But otherwise it's gonna be masking by necessity, which for me is about me listening and trying to build a question bank to ask the listener in hopes that I can get them comfortable enough that they go on a self-perpetuating monologue. Thankfully, most NTs can easily get into that mode of talking about themselves.

And honestly masking is a gift. Many autistics can't mask. I've masked well enough to maintain a corporate cog career. And @Neonatal RRT is absolutely spot-on about positivity. If you've got no choice except to fake a persona, you might as well as learn to fake one that everyone likes.

The autism influencer trend of "just be yourself!" is very hard for me to relate to and feels inauthentic, particularly when the influencer is one of those over-the-top types that have brightly colored chewy jewelry and stuffed animals. It's like they're trying to conform to a stereotype, the opposite of what they're claiming to do.

 

[Aspychata]

Welcome. It's like molding yourself to be something else. Then wondering why you don't feel right about it. Think with getting older, that might be less of a issue, is that you simply don't care how you come across.