As I have come to terms with the (relatively recent) insight that I am autistic, I have also come to realize that much of my behavior is simply a parrot of my neurotypical peers. I didn't notice that i had been changing my laugh to seem less "odd" or how often i suppressed discomfort to avoid seeming needy. Even when I am alone, I noticed myself avoiding behaviors like stimming that might be perceived as strange. I began to explore more introspection and found myself much less exhausted when socializing if I stop bothering to emote or match the energy of my social peer, to the point where I am realizing that my chronic fatigue is likely a result of this.
My question to you all is: as a late bloomer, what things did you learn about yourself that you did not expect? What aspects of your personality were entirely fabricated for survival and how did you fill in the gaps? Lastly, what is your favorite thing you learned about yourself during that introspective period?
Personally, it started out with educating myself about what autism is from an anatomy and physiology standpoint, so this would include all the potential causes, brain development within the womb, all the different autism variants, the progression, etc. Science the <****> out of it. Google scholar, PubMed, and Medline,...medical journal searches. YouTube does have some good scientific lectures posted, as well. For me, the behavior is nothing more than a symptom of an underlying anatomical and physiological condition. Knowing that, it helped be more accepting and more knowledgeable when discussing my condition with others who are willing to listen. It also helped me with my employer when discussing a few "accommodations". It helped me be more open with my co-workers and students,...and the interesting thing,...most people do not have the cognitive empathy to perspective take on this. With few exceptions, almost nothing has changed from my "coming out" to them.
I was lucky enough to have a comprehensive cognitive performance testing and interview process as part of my diagnosis,...and this gave me more insight into my strengths and weaknesses. Some things I could do very well, like 2 standard deviations above the norm, other things just slightly above normal,...and other things, I literally couldn't do at all (which really freaked me out).
I too, have found that masking or putting on a persona can be mentally exhausting. I work with the public in a very busy metropolitan hospital and on the side, I also am an adjunct instructor at a university,...so I have to be "in character",...and on the few days that I have off from work,...I do have to take that afternoon nap just to recover.
The favorite thing I learned about myself after my diagnosis: That after 52 years of not knowing why my life turned out the way it did, why my interpersonal relationships were different, why I never understood the world I lived in, why I was always on the periphery,...the "light bulb" turned on,...and now, I know. Years of beating myself up, low self-esteem issues,...gone. Guilt,...gone. A new light has been put on my world,...and now I can see. I know myself know. My Asperger's is NOT a negative thing in my world. I can't imagine NOT having Asperger's, nor would I want to change. I just wish I knew a lot earlier in life, that's all.
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