Initiating Conversation, Hating Small Talk, & Taking Interest In Others

[Ruth_Alice]

How do you go about doing any of the above?

Currently I am 24 years old. I have a couple of friends that I see regularly but I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I truly need to branch out more. As I have noticed with many of you, I have also felt extremely disconnected from most people for as long as I can remember. There will be moments when I can make comfortable conversation about lighter topics with co-workers, like say if we're talking about pets or makeup, but I would really like to make more friendships that will actually have some depth to them- meet more quality people where there will actually be a bit more promise of having some substantial conversations. A lot of the closest friends I've made are the ones I have met through online forums or some other means of connecting through the internet- and I do value these friendships tremendously. But at the end of the day, they're still at such a great distance and I still can't help but to feel very alone once again, completely by myself, and after a while there's just such an emotional heaviness from it, just loneliness I guess. The friend that I get to see most often is nice, but we really don't have much in common and I don't mean to sound mean when I say this, but her interests tend to be pretty shallow so we aren't really ever able to have much depth in our conversations or speak intelligently about much of anything, and I am always craving that intellectual stimulation, or just something to challenge me so my mind doesn't turn into mush (not literally). So generally I tend to see her more so for companionship, but I always feel like we're on very different wavelengths.

I really wish I knew how to break out of this. Just the shell of inhibition itself.

I know some people suggest going to groups that would be of interest to me, that way I could meet others who also share that common interest and then start our conversations from there. But being that I'm also a very quiet person when I meet people (unless we just somehow mesh surprisingly well), I just tend to keep to myself and don't really know to keep the conversation going for real long once they decide to take it in a different direction (ex: they ask me what I do, where I'm from, etc., etc.). After the inevitable moments of small talk about myself or themselves that follow, I always feel stuck, never knowing what else to bring to the conversation (because it is very hard for me to take interest in the minute details of another person's life), and I feel trapped. Still desiring to connect, but not knowing how to keep going about the process. And after a while, it just feels very self-defeating to even keep attempting this process. Maybe I'm not giving it enough of a chance, I don't know.

Help Any suggestions or personal stories would be very much appreciated.

 

[Mia]

I've had many different sorts of friendships in my life, work, early/late childhood friendships, adult 'going out with females in a group' friendships, intellectual friendships. School friendships, vacation friendships, hiking, cycling, horseback riding friends.

Relationships with women who had distant mothers and wanted me to replace that missing part of their lives. Others with similar interests at art school. Consider many relationships that I've had with other females as transient and ephemeral. I accept them as such, albeit sometimes with sadness. It's the nature of people knowing one another, they move, accept new jobs, new boyfriends and girlfriends, buy houses, go back to school, travel. Or there is some sort of falling out caused by something misinterpreted or meant.

Friendships come and go, some also remain, for reasons I'm not all that certain about. Intellectual friendships have lasted the longest, when people talk for hours about things that interest them. At times they lose me and I drift off, thinking my own thoughts, although I don't consider it my job to keep the conversation going, unless I'm truly interested. I listen, comment, question, think.

Discourse is the way in which people establish ideas about others, what they know, think, perceive. People who I've known who consider themselves good conversationalists, mainly spoke of their own interests, or about themselves. There wasn't much in the way of give and take in a discussion, as in debate or argumentation. With like minded people it varied from subject to subject, and circled around and sometimes returned to the original topic and sometimes not. It seems dependent on the purpose and the interest of the people within that discussion.

 

[LittleLemon]

I am running into the same wall. I was once told that people like to talk about themselves, so keep asking questions. It's sound advice, but I feel disingenuous, so I can't quite bring myself to ask questions if I don't care to know details. If it's something I'm interested in too, then that's slightly easier. I'm going to a therapist to help role play.

I've only clicked with 3 people in my life, and none of them are anywhere near me. My dad was in the military, and then my husband was in the military for 8 years, so my whole life we've constantly moved and I've had to constantly try to make new friends. We're finally settled, but I'm just so frustrated at my crappy social skills that I've given up. I like to read, so I joined a book club and haven't clicked with anyone besides a few casual friendships. I guess I'm just waiting for that 'click' again and hope I'm not dooming myself to be friendless the rest of my life. I'm still seeing my book club friends and hoping that we'll get a little closer, but it's just not happening.

 

[Judge]

I am running into the same wall. I was once told that people like to talk about themselves, so keep asking questions. It's sound advice, but I feel disingenuous, so I can't quite bring myself to ask questions if I don't care to know details. If it's something I'm interested in too, then that's slightly easier. I'm going to a therapist to help role play.

I've only clicked with 3 people in my life, and none of them are anywhere near me. My dad was in the military, and then my husband was in the military for 8 years, so my whole life we've constantly moved and I've had to constantly try to make new friends. We're finally settled, but I'm just so frustrated at my crappy social skills that I've given up. I like to read, so I joined a book club and haven't clicked with anyone besides a few casual friendships. I guess I'm just waiting for that 'click' again and hope I'm not dooming myself to be friendless the rest of my life. I'm still seeing my book club friends and hoping that we'll get a little closer, but it's just not happening.

I grew up in the Navy, so I know how you feel to an extent. Before I stumbled onto my own autism, I often attributed my social anxiety issues and introversion to being socially disrupted having moved so often. Then compound it all with being Neurodiverse and people like us have quite an uphill battle when it comes to socialization.

 

[Ruth_Alice]

I am running into the same wall. I was once told that people like to talk about themselves, so keep asking questions. It's sound advice, but I feel disingenuous, so I can't quite bring myself to ask questions if I don't care to know details. If it's something I'm interested in too, then that's slightly easier. I'm going to a therapist to help role play.

I've only clicked with 3 people in my life, and none of them are anywhere near me.

Exactly. I have also been told this, to just keep asking people questions about themselves because with as easy it is for people to become self-absorbed, it can help them to transcend any of their self-consciousness and encourage the conversational flow. But like you said, if they're honestly boring you to pieces the entire time as they're going on about every detail of their life, then you feel like you're back to square one again since it seems like the majority of people (particularly women, I have noticed) tend to just prefer to make conversation about very light, topical things, so then after a while I feel like just giving up since ultimately, that's really not the type of friendship I'm looking for anyway (light/shallow/always topical). But then after that it just feels like you're back to square one all over again feeling completely self-defeated, always second guessing yourself ("Is it me?") So then the next time you see them they may be all friendly with you, thinking that you both really connected (even if they were mostly doing the talking), but you still feel very disconnected from them since there still wasn't much depth that allowed you to connect to them on a deeper, more personal level. At least, this has generally been my experience, which has led some acquaintances to be confused as to why I'm so distant. Because it seems like it's not that aspies mean to be distant, it's just that I think for whatever reason they generally require a bit more stimulating conversation than what a lot of people are usually able to offer. It's very unfortunate in some ways. There are times when I honestly wish I could be a bit more dense for the sake of being oblivious to these things and being able to have more friendships. (Not trying to sound insensitive, but the old adage is true- "Ignorance is bliss," and most people don't have to worry about a lot of the challenges that we struggle with.)

This may sound critical, and I'm sure it's part of the problem for me, but most of the people I encounter in person I just do not find interesting at all. Sure, we may have some common interests (cats, makeups, TV shows), but nothing that makes me feel like we could really hit it off as friends. And honestly, I really don't know how to make myself take interest in others' interests, like some sources I've seen have suggested. I just really don't know how to force myself into finding what I don't find interesting, interesting. It seems like it has to be a natural process.

Well you (LittleLemon), as well as everyone I have encountered on here seem really sweet, and I want to thank you so much for reaching out to me. I sincerely appreciate it. It's comforting to at least know that I'm not the only one struggling with these problems. At work I always feel so alienated because of these challenges. I can briefly make small talk when it arises with my co-workers (they initiate it- approach me at my desk about something random), but I think they are confused about why 90% of the time I just stay plugged into my music and podcasts for the remainder of each day (because it's more interesting to me than listening to the outside noises all day). I know it confuses people, why I tune out like that and mostly don't initiate conversation with them, but I also really can't handle too much environmental noise all day, it wears on my energy and my mind will just try to analyze the information too much or anytime I hear someone whispering I'm always wondering... is it about me? And it stresses me out.

 

[nowwhat]

I hear you all on this. Sometimes I dwell on the fact that I really don't have any interest in most of the people I deal with daily. I abhor small talk, and forced pleasantries, which to me, is what 99% of the conversation on Earth consists of. So, yeah.

 

[LittleLemon]

Exactly. I have also been told this, to just keep asking people questions about themselves because with as easy it is for people to become self-absorbed, it can help them to transcend any of their self-consciousness and encourage the conversational flow. But like you said, if they're honestly boring you to pieces the entire time as they're going on about every detail of their life, then you feel like you're back to square one again since it seems like the majority of people (particularly women, I have noticed) tend to just prefer to make conversation about very light, topical things, so then after a while I feel like just giving up since ultimately, that's really not the type of friendship I'm looking for anyway (light/shallow/always topical). But then after that it just feels like you're back to square one all over again feeling completely self-defeated, always second guessing yourself ("Is it me?") So then the next time you see them they may be all friendly with you, thinking that you both really connected (even if they were mostly doing the talking), but you still feel very disconnected from them since there still wasn't much depth that allowed you to connect to them on a deeper, more personal level. At least, this has generally been my experience, which has led some acquaintances to be confused as to why I'm so distant. Because it seems like it's not that aspies mean to be distant, it's just that I think for whatever reason they generally require a bit more stimulating conversation than what a lot of people are usually able to offer. It's very unfortunate it some ways. There are times when I honestly wish I could be a bit more dense for the sake of being oblivious to these things and being able to have more friendships. (Not trying to sound insensitive, but the old adage is true- "Ignorance is bliss," and most people don't have to worry about a lot of the challenges that we struggle with.)

This may sound critical, and I'm sure it's part of the problem for me, but most of the people I encounter in person I just do not find interesting at all. Sure, we may have some common interests (cats, makeups, TV shows), but nothing that makes me feel like we could really hit it off as friends. And honestly, I really don't know how to make myself take interest in others' interests, like some sources I've seen have suggested. I just really don't know how to force myself into finding what I don't find interesting, interesting. It seems like it has to be a natural process.

Well you (LittleLemon), as well as everyone I have encountered on here seem really sweet, and I want to thank you so much for reaching out to me. I sincerely appreciate it. It's comforting to at least know that I'm not the only one struggling with these problems. At work I always feel so alienated because of these challenges. I can briefly make small talk when it arises with my co-workers (they initiate it- approach me at my desk about something random), but I think they are confused about why 90% of the time I just stay plugged into my music and podcasts for the remainder of each day (because it's more interesting to me than listening to the outside noises all day). I know it confuses people, why I tune out like that and mostly don't initiate conversation with them, but I also really can't handle too much environmental noise all day, it wears on my energy and my mind will just try to analyze the information too much or anytime I hear someone whispering I'm always wondering... is it about me? And it stresses me out.

YES!!! I have had several people who think we have a pretty deep connection, but we actually don't and I feel just awful about it. I don't want to hurt their feelings, so I never say how I really feel. I do genuinely like them, but I don't feel this same connection they do. I didn't know this could be an Aspie thing--to be misunderstood and misread in a relationship.

 

[Suzanne]

I find that I cannot cope with mindless "conversation" and often just walk away, which is easy to do, when the talker is not even looking my way.

I have trouble with questions. I tend to take them literally and recently my husband said, after I related something: yes, but she was only making light conversation to fill the gap, probably; did not require you to make a comment and I am like. What the heck did I miss out on?

 

[Mia]

Have been thinking about this for some time, the idea that many of the concerns that people have simply don't interest me. With friendships and even family members some of the subjects they talk about seem so inane, so boring, and I can't relate to them.

Maybe it's because they talk about mundane things that don't serve any purpose for me. It could be the nature of conversation in general and my perception of how it should be.

 

[LittleLemon]

Have been thinking about this for some time, the idea that many of the concerns that people have simply don't interest me. With friendships and even family members some of the subjects they talk about seem so inane, so boring, and I can't relate to them.

Maybe it's because they talk about mundane things that don't serve any purpose for me. It could be the nature of conversation in general and my perception of how it should be.

My mother in law was talking about mid-century modern architecture and style a few weeks ago and I was trying so hard to keep an 'interested' face--or my interpretation of what that face should be--that I missed most of what she was saying and made some generic/weak response back. What would a NT person say to that?? How on earth would you have a back and forth conversation on mid-century modern???

 

[Mia]

Hi little lemon, I found it funny because of the way I feel about mid-century modern architecture. And thinking about it, would cause me to blurt out things like:

If I wanted a straight line rectilinear home, I'd salvage a metal shipping container.

Require curtains on my widows for privacy, not glass walls so that the neighbors can stalk me.

I'm too clumsy to live in a mid-century modern home, I'd bleed all the time from banging into those sharp corners.

Spent my work days in a glass cubicle, don't want to go home to one too.

I like when they hide the metal beams and concrete walls, otherwise I'd feel like I was shopping at Costco all the time.

 

[LittleLemon]

I grew up in the Navy, so I know how you feel to an extent. Before I stumbled onto my own autism, I often attributed my social anxiety issues and introversion to being socially disrupted having moved so often. Then compound it all with being Neurodiverse and people like us have quite an uphill battle when it comes to socialization.

That thought has also gone through my mind. Every move was more and more traumatic for me. Our last move a few years ago, I cried and cried for days even though settling down was what I've wanted my whole life. I never understood why even a good transition was so hard! I just thought that all the moves negatively affected my brain. Now I'm learning that probably wasn't the cause at all, though I definitely think it didn't help.

 

[Judge]

That thought has also gone through my mind. Every move was more and more traumatic for me. Our last move a few years ago, I cried and cried for days even though settling down was what I've wanted my whole life. I never understood why even a good transition was so hard! I just thought that all the moves negatively affected my brain. Now I'm learning that probably wasn't the cause at all, though I definitely think it didn't help.

Oh how I understand. I spent so many years attributing my social inadequacies to being moved around so much that I never created any meaningful "roots" anywhere. And that once my father finally left the service, I was unable to adjust despite living in a more stable environment.

But now I realize it was just a piece of my complex "puzzle".

 

[Polymath14]

I had been in a friend rut for a long time.

Honestly, I only recently made a friend at work about three months ago, which is sad. I've been working there for just a bit over two years now. I've mostly kept to myself since I started working there. We began to chat over work related stuff and started to branch out quite a bit. He taught me a lot about building computers. We usually have some pretty interesting back and forth conversations at work. We literally sit next to each other's cubicles and say more to each other over Skype than in person. I've only recently here and there started to initiate actual friendship type of things to do together because I feel we're at that point in our friendship. We had lunch together on Thursday. It was a little awkward to be honest because we haven't spent a lot of time talking in person and I tried to keep the conversations away from work, but it would eventually arrive there when there was some dead air. That's fine to me, but I am trying to forge a friendship on other stuff than work.

Sometime late last year I confided in my girlfriend that I had no friends and my current best friend she absolutely hates, who I've just had an online relationship for over a decade with. She eventually brought me to a play in the park where we played some board games while waiting. We kept seeing plays together and then eventually we started having game nights at their house on a bi-weekly basis. We still have game nights where we hang out together and since I'm enrolled in school, I sometimes give him a ride home where we can chat. We also see movies together and play games online sometimes.

One is a brilliant programmer who is kind and willing to lend a hand in helping you get ahead in life. He's incredibly humble. Another is also a very smart and funny man who is earning his PhD in Mathematics and just wants the very best for his family.

So, I feel like I got lucky with two quality friends that I've made in the past year.

My suggestion is try to branch out at work to find people who are interesting to talk to and you can become comfortable with. You spend eight hours of your day at work and it's nice to have a friend to blow off steam with. It's also nice to reach out to friends of your friends or friends of your bf/gf who can connect you with someone you might like spending time with.

 

[Liam Sifr]

I had been in a friend rut for a long time.

Honestly, I only recently made a friend at work about three months ago, which is sad. I've been working there for just a bit over two years now. I've mostly kept to myself since I started working there. We began to chat over work related stuff and started to branch out quite a bit. He taught me a lot about building computers. We usually have some pretty interesting back and forth conversations at work. We literally sit next to each other's cubicles and say more to each other over Skype than in person. I've only recently here and there started to initiate actual friendship type of things to do together because I feel we're at that point in our friendship. We had lunch together on Thursday. It was a little awkward to be honest because we haven't spent a lot of time talking in person and I tried to keep the conversations away from work, but it would eventually arrive there when there was some dead air. That's fine to me, but I am trying to forge a friendship on other stuff than work.

Sometime late last year I confided in my girlfriend that I had no friends and my current best friend she absolutely hates, who I've just had an online relationship for over a decade with. She eventually brought me to a play in the park where we played some board games while waiting. We kept seeing plays together and then eventually we started having game nights at their house on a bi-weekly basis. We still have game nights where we hang out together and since I'm enrolled in school, I sometimes give him a ride home where we can chat. We also see movies together and play games online sometimes.

One is a brilliant programmer who is kind and willing to lend a hand in helping you get ahead in life. He's incredibly humble. Another is also a very smart and funny man who is earning his PhD in Mathematics and just wants the very best for his family.

So, I feel like I got lucky with two quality friends that I've made in the past year.

My suggestion is try to branch out at work to find people who are interesting to talk to and you can become comfortable with. You spend eight hours of your day at work and it's nice to have a friend to blow off steam with. It's also nice to reach out to friends of your friends or friends of your bf/gf who can connect you with someone you might like spending time with.

My biggest problem is having an nt
Spouse that wants me to be her best friend she I feel I have none at all. By friend I meant a non judgmental person whom I can take my time to relate my experiences without the need to feel rushed. Facts and figures I have no problems regurgitating. How I feel is a complex maze next to why I do things the way I do. Everyone that ever mattered to me is pretty much far away or dead. Friends I had growing up numbered fewer than fingers in one hand and I've not heard from in very long.

I am coming to terms with being alone even when in a crowd of relatives and acquaintances.