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If this is abuse, then I was abused a lot more than I thought I was.

Yeshuasdaughter

Yeshuasdaughter

You know, that one lady we met that one time.
V.I.P Member
I don't know anything about this family.

I was raised a lot like these kids.

It says in the video that the kids were found duct taped. NOW THAT'S ABUSIVE AND AWFUL, and the parents should be arrested!! But I'm not talking about that. What I mean, is the things the mom is saying in the video, are pretty much exactly how I was raised. Other than the "repent" thing. There was nothing about repentance in my childhood. Also my parents were hippies, and had totally different personalities than the mom on the video. More laid back and mellow.

But otherwise, I thought a lot of the other stuff was just how people were raised back in the day. In fact, my parents would tell stories about how they were raised, and tell me to be thankful that I had it so easy.

For instance, in this video, the parents denied the children food. I was starved as a teenager until I was about 100 pounds. My brother got a full glass of milk, I would get a half glass, or none at all. I would go whole days without eating, and maybe the next day too.

Another thing- the kids, if they didn't behave, didn't get presents on holidays. This happened to me too. I wore the same shoes for several years as a child and teenager. Limping around in torn leather boots, with bleeding blisters, and crowded toes, was a normal part of my childhood. My favorite part of getting off the school bus was removing my shoes and being able to run around barefoot.

As a little girl, I didn't have a bedroom, or anything like that. Not even a bed. Before my brother was born, I had a little mattress in the alcove of the hallway. I had a tiny cabinet to keep my things in. After he was born, my mattress was thrown out by the shed, and my brother had the alcove in the hallway for his crib. I would cry about it. And if I was caught napping on my mattress, outside, I would be spanked. Was that abuse?

If I snuck out and went and slept in the travel trailer, where there was a bed, I would get punished. Because they thought I had disappeared. But it was so nice to lay out on the soft mattress. I also would sneak over to Grandma's house in the night, and they'd find me in their guest room. I would be punished for this too. Was that abuse?

And then we didn't have a toilet in our house. Not really running water either. So going to the bathroom meant walking in the dark to my grandmother's house. And my grandpa would often lock the door at night. So I would have to go outside behind trees or something. Was that abuse?

If I complained or cried about this treatment, I was told to stop being such a baby, and given something to cry about. Was that abuse?

I chose so wholeheartedly not to raise my daughter the way I was brought up. I have been told by relatives that I was being oversensitive. But something inside of me told me that the way I was brought up was wrong. I didn't know that society thought of this as abuse though.

It is hard, because I have to come to terms with a lot that I feel trauma from. I can say, "Yes, this was abuse. That is why I feel trauma. That is why I feel distrust."

But I always attibuted a lot of this to poverty. Because it was very hard for my parents to bring food or other things into the house.

And that's a scary feeling. Because I love my family. And I don't want to think things were worse than they were.


The video is a tiktok that autoplays. So I put it in the spoiler.
https://www.tiktok.com/video/7274353919667768622
 
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This is abuse. But as kids we don't know. Not like we can say anything. The abuse l came across, was my brother crying endlessly in his crib and my mom never comforted him. And l pretty much had the same unbringing, she deserted me as a toddler. My daughter, when she cried, her dad, and l were always comforting her. She went thru colic. Maybe this will seem insensitive but if you can't afford to feed your children, then why did you have them in the first place? Why aren't they trying to get help in taking care of them? My boyfriend came from a background of poverty. One of his four brothers has never touched tuna in a can after eating it so much as a kid. But his mom provided. All the brothers look out for each other. They were raised with love. Sorry to read of your abusive parents. It's hard to admit we were abused. I know l don't want to admit it. I hope they put her away. I have zero compassion. My step-father's mom committed suicide because her husband was so abusive. My step-father was abused horribly and tried the same tactics on us, my half-brother and me. I just learned to survive. I live in my reptile brain because l lived with a man who became violent, and yelled as a form of control. I saw him use bully behavior with my mom. And l endured sexual abuse. What l learned, is l didn't need to use spanking as a punishment. I just needed to let my daughter have choices, and pick my few battles wisely. Like you need to get a driver's license. Then she went and got a job on her own. Another member who survived horrible trauma is @Metalhead. This post is like we open our closet of horrors we went thru as innocent children.
 
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Yes, I would consider all of that abuse - neglect and physical abuse. As parents, we are obligated to make sure that our kids' basic needs are being met. Sometimes that means seeking help through welfare or social services, going to foodbanks, or getting a second or third job.

Corporal punishment is abuse and is illegal in a lot of countries. It's illegal in the US if it leaves a mark. Sometimes I would have welts or bruises from being beaten with a belt. I would never dream of disciplining my own kid in a similar manner. He was redirected and got occasional time-outs.

If you feel like it was traumatic, that's because it was. I used to drive myself crazy wondering if certain situations "counted" and if my feelings were valid. All feelings are valid. I still love my family. I think they were abusive because they didn't know any better. Their intent was not malicious. It doesn't mean that it wasn't abusive or traumatic, though. It's been a journey to get to this point. In some ways, it's easier when people are either mostly/all good or mostly/all bad, but it doesn't usually work like that in these situations.
 
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@Yeshuasdaughter

This sounds like a very difficult way to grow up and it certainly sounds like you encountered abuse and a lot of neglect. Either because of their means or perhaps their philosophy of parenting or something else, your parents were not able to meet your most basic and important needs as a child.

I can only imagine it is very difficult to realize and understand your childhood through the eyes of an adult now - a mother, yourself, who knows exactly how far she would go to ensure that her daughter is happy, warm, cozy, and will cared for.

I hope that as you face and understand this difficult past you find the strength to carry-on and heal the parts of you that are still wounded.
 
Oh my god, yes, very definitely abuse. There were things you described that I experienced, and a hell of a lot more. Particularly the part about shoes. I often wore shoes that were at least a size too small, often for years. I got used to the discomfort, pain and my feet being soaked in wet weather, which is pretty much all the time in the UK. So your description really resonated with me.

When you grow up in it, you accept it as normal. You think everyone experiences the same. It wasn't until I jokingly would say something like "Oh do you remember when you were a kid and..." only to describe a situation that left everyone in the room with their jaws dropped in shock.

When you start to realise things from your childhood were not right, or completely unacceptable it can be very destabilising. You can feel a lot of emotions and some of them can make you feel guilt. But you need to remember, you were a child and could not have done anything to change it. Above all it wasn't your fault.

Remember we are all here to talk. You may need to talk about what you experienced, mostly to process it and probably at times because you may not be sure if something you experienced was not ok. It's ok to ask these questions, it helps you put things in perspective.

But, you have already done an amazing job to raise your own kid in a way that doesn't repeat the past. That is something you should be tremendously proud of. Many people fail to do this and the cycle repeats.
 
I grew up very poor, but was not abused.

What you describe is abuse. Those folks who raised you may have been poor, but they were also abusive.

"Poor" and "abusive" are two different things.
 
I grew up poor in a lower working class family, but my parents did their best to see that we were cared for. What you suffered was definately abuse.
 
My parents were poor working class also.
But there was never abuse. No sexual or physical abuse. No corporal punishment.
Arguments sometimes, yes.
Times were hard and we certainly didn't have a lot, but we never went hungry.
Dad was an honest worker and would work several jobs if needed.
I didn't get the new toys or a new bike or whatever other kids may have gotten, but as a family, we were close-knit.

It hurts to hear of others that went through abuse like you suffered.
Just no excuse.
 
Yeshuasdaughter said:
I don't know anything about this family.

I was raised a lot like these kids.

It says in the video that the kids were found duct taped. NOW THAT'S ABUSIVE AND AWFUL, and the parents should be arrested!! But I'm not talking about that. What I mean, is the things the mom is saying in the video, are pretty much exactly how I was raised. Other than the "repent" thing. There was nothing about repentance in my childhood. Also my parents were hippies, and had totally different personalities than the mom on the video. More laid back and mellow.

But otherwise, I thought a lot of the other stuff was just how people were raised back in the day. In fact, my parents would tell stories about how they were raised, and tell me to be thankful that I had it so easy.

For instance, in this video, the parents denied the children food. I was starved as a teenager until I was about 100 pounds. My brother got a full glass of milk, I would get a half glass, or none at all. I would go whole days without eating, and maybe the next day too.

Another thing- the kids, if they didn't behave, didn't get presents on holidays. This happened to me too. I wore the same shoes for several years as a child and teenager. Limping around in torn leather boots, with bleeding blisters, and crowded toes, was a normal part of my childhood. My favorite part of getting off the school bus was removing my shoes and being able to run around barefoot.

As a little girl, I didn't have a bedroom, or anything like that. Not even a bed. Before my brother was born, I had a little mattress in the alcove of the hallway. I had a tiny cabinet to keep my things in. After he was born, my mattress was thrown out by the shed, and my brother had the alcove in the hallway for his crib. I would cry about it. And if I was caught napping on my mattress, outside, I would be spanked. Was that abuse?

If I snuck out and went and slept in the travel trailer, where there was a bed, I would get punished. Because they thought I had disappeared. But it was so nice to lay out on the soft mattress. I also would sneak over to Grandma's house in the night, and they'd find me in their guest room. I would be punished for this too. Was that abuse?

And then we didn't have a toilet in our house. Not really running water either. So going to the bathroom meant walking in the dark to my grandmother's house. And my grandpa would often lock the door at night. So I would have to go outside behind trees or something. Was that abuse?

If I complained or cried about this treatment, I was told to stop being such a baby, and given something to cry about. Was that abuse?

I chose so wholeheartedly not to raise my daughter the way I was brought up. I have been told by relatives that I was being oversensitive. But something inside of me told me that the way I was brought up was wrong. I didn't know that society thought of this as abuse though.

It is hard, because I have to come to terms with a lot that I feel trauma from. I can say, "Yes, this was abuse. That is why I feel trauma. That is why I feel distrust."

But I always attibuted a lot of this to poverty. Because it was very hard for my parents to bring food or other things into the house.

And that's a scary feeling. Because I love my family. And I don't want to think things were worse than they were.


The video is a tiktok that autoplays. So I put it in the spoiler.
https://www.tiktok.com/video/7274353919667768622
Click to expand...
I'm sorry to hear of what you went through! I'd say that yes, you went through forms of neglect and abuse. While my situation wasn't as drastic as yours, I remember going through roughly the same way of living--having little access to the bathroom, not being allowed to make breakfast for four years, that sort of thing. I figured it was 'normal' to have to be away from the house to avoid my mother all day.

It sounds like what you went through was also some form of unfair sexism too. Your brother was favoured over you for no reason that I can discern. Yep, definitely abusive. And your parents neglected your emotional needs by not caring about your sadness and general misery, and saying 'well we had it worse in our day.'

Good on you for taking action and allowing your daughter to grow up in a home where she is loved and not living in anxiety or questioning!! You sound like a great mother.

I'm trying not to be super judgemental here, and I may get well-deserved flak for this--but why do parents have children if they cannot afford it? Maybe something happened economically prior to the beginning of your story, and my ignorance is gigantic. I apologize in advance.
 
Aspychata said:
This is abuse. But as kids we don't know. Not like we can say anything.
Click to expand...
This is apt, in my case. You don't know you're living it until you get where the grass is greener, think back, and say, "What the hell did I go through?" and realize that what you went through may have been 'normal' but was in no way whatsoever normal at all.
 
TBRS1 said:
I grew up very poor, but was not abused.

What you describe is abuse. Those folks who raised you may have been poor, but they were also abusive.

"Poor" and "abusive" are two different things.
Click to expand...
Exactly! We didn't grow up poor by any means but I guess my parents were perpetually afraid of being or appearing poor? It was a dysfunctional place where our emotional needs weren't met, but practical things were.
 
SusanLR said:
My parents were poor working class also.

Times were hard and we certainly didn't have a lot, but we never went hungry.
Click to expand...
It's how the tough times are handled that have an effect. I remember that my folks were super stressed and unhappy and brought it out on my sister and I when we moved to northern New England in the early 2000's. My parents handled their stress and anger very very poorly.
 
Ruby Franke’s eldest daughter posted an Instagram story with cop cars at her house where she said she was glad her mom was arrested. Starting to turn into the Jeanette McCurdy story but with young kids
 
one of the kids was denied a bedroom for 7 months.. a 911 call was released where a young boy was found at the doorstep of his neighbors house with his hands and feet in duct tape begging for food and water
 
I wish we had an emoji for "heartbroken" for all of us here who suffered, altho I realize our emojis and about empowerment and positivity.

I knew the way my siblings and I were (mis)treated by our parents was wrong, even before kindergarten

Couldn't ask them
Asked Grandma
Asked teachers
Got in trouble every time
Learned by 3rd grade to keep my mouth shut and bear it

"Doing the best that they can" is not acceptable excuse

"Honor thy father and mother" is not something I feel bound by. I do not love my parents and never will.

Any action by me on their behalf is more to help my sister who is so bound to them it breaks my heart and has spent most of her 64 years trying to care for and protect them and the weird bubble they live in.

I never had children for fear I could only repeat what I learned. I am not flexible in learning new ways to do things.

My therapist says that acceptance that it happened is not the same as condoning what happened, which I understand.

I don't think I can ever arrive at forgiveness.
 
Oh gosh, I think I explained a lot of this very wrong.

The lack of plumbing- we lived kind of as homesteaders in the high desert. About 3000 feet. We pumped our own water from a very precious aquifer. The kitchen sink was the only source of water, and the way that we got water, was a garden hose was threaded under the trailer, and then attached to the pipe that fed up into the kitchen sink.

If one tried to use the bathroom, then the waste would literally just fall on the ground under the trailer- or worse, have to be scraped out of the clogged pipe.

Bathing and toileting was done at Grandma's house. It had full plumbing. But we were in almost constant drought. So bathing could only be done once or twice a week.

A soapy washcloth and a little bowl of water is how we bathed every morning. It's called a sponge bath.

We were also in deep poverty. Everyone worked hard, but we were very far out of town. And we had ranch chores, and mouths to feed both animals and people.

They didn't want to keep me in old clothes, and misfitting shoes, but it's just how things were.

And the bed thing. We lived in a trailer, and my brother needed room for his crib. It was necessary. And although I was a child as well, the only real solution to them was to toughen me up, cos things aren't always going to be easy, and nothing is a given in life.

It was wonderful though. I don't think a lot of people could relate.

Imagine being an eight year old child, having the freedom of movement of your own mountain. And you climb up the cliff, to the point where the dogs try to herd you back, because after that point, it's no longer their territory. It all belongs to the mountain lions and coyotes that live in the dozens of caves. But you push the dogs out of the way, and keep climbing to the summit. There's a rock up there shaped kind of like a recliner, and another boulder that one could imagine is a tv.

You can look into the distance and see the surrounding valleys, for over 40 miles or so. Lakes, highways, ranchos, it goes on forever. And when the sun starts to set behind your mountain. You climb for about an hour or so, and at the top, the sun is still up over the valleys.

Life was rough. But also very beautiful. I got close contact with many wild species of animals and plants that most people never get. Like pronghorn, wolverine, skunks, foxes, etc.

I'm not at all opposed to spanking. And the other stuff, I think we just lived so remotely, and times were as harsh as the Santa Ana Winds. It was just the times, and the way.

If you've been there, you've been there.

It was so very lonely for me, but I'd go back in a heartbeat.
 
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No one can tell you how to feel about your experiences. That is for you to decide. There is also nothing wrong with acknowledging the good things as well as the bad things.

I personally would not go back to my childhood. That is unless I could go back with the knowledge and experience I have now. I would do things very differently.

There are things I will always be grateful for. I have kept those things like precious gems. They helped keep the good in me alive. Without them I'd be just a hollowed out husk.

But I also acknowledge that every time I had something good going on, my mother would make me feel guilty and she'd explode with rage, while she spent most of the household income on herself. I didn't have much, but I truly valued the things I did have, even if they could be taken away at any point.

There's a lot more besides that, and I won't go into it here as this isn't my thread.

I guess for me, it comes down to the intentions my mother (and others) had. That's how I distinguish between tough circumstances and abuse.

To put it in a nutshell, my mother could have bought me shoes, she just didn't want to.
 
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