I suspect my mum is Aspie, but I still don't want contact!

[HelzBelz]

I relate to this - not because I had the same issues with my dad, they were different issues, but they were very, very serious issues - I totally think he is on the spectrum, and that does help me be understanding, but I will not accept that kind of damage into my life anymore. I have not been in contact with him for a few years now. Though I feel bad for how hurt/angry/humiliated he must feel about that, the only other option is for me to accept the damage, as he refuses to see that he has any issue or to make any changes - I am not going to literally endanger my wellbeing on any level. He already ruined my mother's life until her death.

This is exactly where I'm at, you've just worded it better! Thank you.

 

[Adora]

I feel for you since I have distanced myself from my own mother,while my mother did show me love she also could be manipulative and loved to use emotional black mail on you,when she was angry with me she would call me evil and say she would tell everybody about the real me,one early memory I have is once when I was crying over something my mum hugged me but said "you are weird Adora" and that hurt because I was getting called weird by the kids in school,she also had issues with gambling and there were times where we went without food and the rent wasn't paid which has lead with me growing up now being extremely vigilant when it comes to paying the rent or other bills,but I agree while she may be your mother it's best to keep your distance because she seems to have always tore you down and destroyed your self esteem,my mother also use to blurt things out once in awhile regarding how I dressed and she would make companions between me and my cousin or mention that I don't dress as "trendy" as the other girls so I know how it can feel when your appearance is scrutinised but unfortunately my father was also the main one who would say things about how I looked,it's hard having parents who are suppose to be the ones who love and support you end up being the ones who cause the most pain and sadly some are so toxic that the only thing you can do is distance yourself which is hard but it will probably be better for your emotional health and self esteem because your mother probably will not change and she will probably never understand the hurt she has put you through.

 

[Misery]

Here's one question for you though: Have you confronted her DIRECTLY about all of this stuff? And if so... have you done it MORE THAN ONCE? I've noticed that people have a tendancy to do it ONLY once, and I can say from experience that it can be important to realize that it can take more than that.

Something I've learned in my time is that even someone who is traditionally a total asshat can change, not just a bit, but completely. I remember, for instance, all of the various bullies that used to torment me back in highschool. Total jerks, all of them. And they always were. Fast forward to many years later, when I randomly run into one of them... and he's like a completely different person. Kind, friendly, and generally caring. He had learned his lessons over the years due to various things, and despite how he was originally, he had changed. However, if nothing had forced him to see the error of his ways... and if nothing had also reiterated on that lesson... this likely wouldnt have happened.

Similar situation with my mom: Oh, she's never been a toxic person. But both her and my stepfather tended to drink alot. Usually because "it's what you do in social situations". But they always went too far, and promptly made total idiots of themselves each time. Over and over again. Me being the way I am, I tend to just crash my way through problems of this nature rather than wait or avoid them. I confronted them about this a few times. The final one was the biggest, with me shrieking at them, in the driveway, about the whole issue. The drinking INSTANTLY STOPPED. I'd done enough to hammer the whole thing home, and finally.... had got them thinking about it. That was years ago. Not even ONCE has this happened again. Hell, I dont think I've ever seen them "tipsy" since, let alone actually drunk. But if I hadnt directly intervened, and if I hadnt kept hammering at it, the habit likely would have continued, as is the nature of such things.

The reason why I bring all of this up is that it's a real shame to miss out on a chance to gain a positive relationship with someone in your family, or friends or whatever. I've made this mistake twice now, in my time. And while it wont necessarily happen to you that way, if it DOES, let me tell you this: That regret? It *hurts*. And the pain never, EVER goes away. Ever. Those two incidents have tormented me for years, and it's far too late to change any of it. I already missed my chance. That torment will never end.

What I'm saying here is that it's important to think very, VERY carefully before you make a decision on something like this... and it's ALSO very important to NOT let anger make the decision for you. Dont get me wrong, what she did was certainly a bad thing. But it IS possible to get all of that stuck in the past, and clear the future of any of it. And when that works? Believe me, it's worth it.

 

[HelzBelz]

I agree: it sounds much more like a Personality Disorder than being an Aspie.

Here's a link to Down the Rabbit Hole: the best writing I know about parents with this issue.

I've spent time slowly reading and processing the info on this site. Again, I'm nauseous with how much I identify with this. Thank you so much for this. It has certainly given me some very clear insight and information.

 

[Ambi]

I agree: it sounds much more like a Personality Disorder than being an Aspie.

Here's a link to Down the Rabbit Hole: the best writing I know about parents with this issue.

Yes, I LOVE that website! So useful. I still think my dad is on the spectrum, but I also believe he is a sociopath. I do think it is the latter part that is causing the major problems.

 

[WereBear]

I've spent time slowly reading and processing the info on this site. Again, I'm nauseous with how much I identify with this. Thank you so much for this. It has certainly given me some very clear insight and information.

Excellent follow-up reading would be CaptainAwkward.com

Wonderful advice, with scripts! Lots of good input from commenters about boundaries and how to handle people who love to break them.

 

[ezcare]

Just because I now understand her behaviour better doesn't diminish my anger and hurt from a lifetime of wanting a mum who was a soft place to land through the overwhelming chaos of growing up.

Your premise is based upon the notion that your mum chose to be the way she is and could easily change her ways if she really wanted to do so. Was she ever diagnosed? Did her parents care enough to help her overcome these annoying behaviors or did they contribute to them out of their own ignorance?
You are right to shield yourself and your children from such despicable behaviors. But you also appear to blame her for any of the same behaviors you may exhibit. Forgiveness is not the same thing as acceptance. You do not have to accept her bizarre and toxic behaviors but an ounce of understanding is worth a pound of forgiveness.

 

[HelzBelz]

Your premise is based upon the notion that your mum chose to be the way she is and could easily change her ways if she really wanted to do so. Was she ever diagnosed? Did her parents care enough to help her overcome these annoying behaviors or did they contribute to them out of their own ignorance?
You are right to shield yourself and your children from such despicable behaviors. But you also appear to blame her for any of the same behaviors you may exhibit. Forgiveness is not the same thing as acceptance. You do not have to accept her bizarre and toxic behaviors but an ounce of understanding is worth a pound of forgiveness.

I hear where you're coming from, and have agonized over this for a long time.Taking my daughter through the diagnosis process and seeing how aspergers affects girls has been such an eye opener of understanding. I truly doubt she can/will ever change, which is why I'm reading and learning how to change myself, so I am able to cope/deal with her. I don't want her to be out of my life forever, just long enough for me to find ways to cope. Despite my suspicion of aspergers there is so much more that is damaging and degrading that I need to find ways of deflecting before I can allow her small amounts of access to me and my kids.
I have no idea how her parents dealt with her when she was growing up, and there is a high chance that her lack of boundaries and ability to parent in a healthy way comes from a disfunctional upbringing, but as an adult, *I* am trying to learn, read, explore and adjust to become a better parent and person. I talk to my older kids regularly about how oblivious I am to some social cues and they have permission to pull me up on my behaviour.
I have no expectations of her changing, and am spending time reflecting and learning about her more so I can move on from this season of isolating her. She openly says how awful her family is as we have all shut her out for periods of time. I don't think she will ever acknowledge she has contributed to those relationship breakdowns though. And the more I learn to understand her and my relationship with her the sooner I can move towards a healthy reconciliation. Right now though, she is toxic and I don't have the support or ability to cope with her.

 

[Suzanne]

So, at last, I have "met" someone who has the same attitude as me!

I cannot have contact with birth mother, because if I did, I would end up in a mental institution. She is pure narcissist. She did and probably does, have mental issues, but I can never forgive her for what she has done to me and that included, siding with her peodophile husband.

I thought she might be on the spectrum, even if she is, that does not excuse her wickedness. So, I get you very much and admire you for your stand; many are so bogged down with "family ties" that they allow wickedness to exist.

I had to unlearn how to love the parents and that is how it stands today, despite him no longer alive and even if she calls me to her dying bedside ( as the expression goes), I will not go, because I just cannot stomach seeing her again.

 

[Ambi]

I suspect my dad is on the spectrum, but I think he also has other major issues going on. I have cut off all contact....and I'm wondering what I'll do when he dies, which could be soon or in the next 10 years or so I would think.