HelzBelz
Well-Known Member
I've come to the conclusion my mum is on the spectrum as I've gone through the process of having my daughter diagnosed and recognising so many traits in myself. I stopped speaking to my mum two years ago and even now I'm sure she's Aspie I don't want contact. I just feel so angry for how she treated me growing up - she has no boundaries, will bluntly tell me in front of my kids I'm 'getting so fat you look pregnant' (currently weigh 68kg and have had five kids - so a little baggy skin around my tummy, but certainly not even slightly overweight!). She would phone guys I was dating (even in my 30's!) to meet for coffee so she could 'help' us, even admitted she was 'in love' with one guy I dated for two years and tried to sleep with him. Would phone my boss to say he needed to understand I was 'going through some stuff at home' so he could go easy on me. If she spent time with my kids and I, she would phone me later to say my daughter was 'too clingy' and I shouldn't favour her by letting her sit next to me all the time (my daughter doesn't like her very much!) or my son didn't hold his fork correctly, and I needed to work on that. Anything I say to her I need to be prepared for her to repeat it to absolutely anyone - I had someone I didn't know stop me in the street and say she was a 'friend of your mums' and asked after my daughter, who was getting counselling from rape crisis...
I can now see her bluntness and lack of boundaries are real aspie traits but still don't want to spend time with her and open myself up to her. I might be an aspie myself, but I grew up constantly anxious and with low self-esteem with a mother who was blunt ('stop looking at yourself in the mirror - you're being vain!') and rude ('you walk like a duck!')and humiliating (pulled down my pants and put me over her lap to check my bottom when I passed a kidney stone at the age of five - in front of 4 aunt/uncles).
Just because I now understand her behaviour better doesn't diminish my anger and hurt from a lifetime of wanting a mum who was a soft place to land through the overwhelming chaos of growing up. And as my kids started being hurt by her bluntness I stopped contact. I've been told I would regret it if she died without me getting in touch yet I don't want to keep being hurt over and over. If she wasn't my mum I would definitely not allow such a toxic person in my life or around my children!
I can now see her bluntness and lack of boundaries are real aspie traits but still don't want to spend time with her and open myself up to her. I might be an aspie myself, but I grew up constantly anxious and with low self-esteem with a mother who was blunt ('stop looking at yourself in the mirror - you're being vain!') and rude ('you walk like a duck!')and humiliating (pulled down my pants and put me over her lap to check my bottom when I passed a kidney stone at the age of five - in front of 4 aunt/uncles).
Just because I now understand her behaviour better doesn't diminish my anger and hurt from a lifetime of wanting a mum who was a soft place to land through the overwhelming chaos of growing up. And as my kids started being hurt by her bluntness I stopped contact. I've been told I would regret it if she died without me getting in touch yet I don't want to keep being hurt over and over. If she wasn't my mum I would definitely not allow such a toxic person in my life or around my children!