• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

I suspect my mum is Aspie, but I still don't want contact!

HelzBelz

Well-Known Member
I've come to the conclusion my mum is on the spectrum as I've gone through the process of having my daughter diagnosed and recognising so many traits in myself. I stopped speaking to my mum two years ago and even now I'm sure she's Aspie I don't want contact. I just feel so angry for how she treated me growing up - she has no boundaries, will bluntly tell me in front of my kids I'm 'getting so fat you look pregnant' (currently weigh 68kg and have had five kids - so a little baggy skin around my tummy, but certainly not even slightly overweight!). She would phone guys I was dating (even in my 30's!) to meet for coffee so she could 'help' us, even admitted she was 'in love' with one guy I dated for two years and tried to sleep with him. Would phone my boss to say he needed to understand I was 'going through some stuff at home' so he could go easy on me. If she spent time with my kids and I, she would phone me later to say my daughter was 'too clingy' and I shouldn't favour her by letting her sit next to me all the time (my daughter doesn't like her very much!) or my son didn't hold his fork correctly, and I needed to work on that. Anything I say to her I need to be prepared for her to repeat it to absolutely anyone - I had someone I didn't know stop me in the street and say she was a 'friend of your mums' and asked after my daughter, who was getting counselling from rape crisis...
I can now see her bluntness and lack of boundaries are real aspie traits but still don't want to spend time with her and open myself up to her. I might be an aspie myself, but I grew up constantly anxious and with low self-esteem with a mother who was blunt ('stop looking at yourself in the mirror - you're being vain!') and rude ('you walk like a duck!')and humiliating (pulled down my pants and put me over her lap to check my bottom when I passed a kidney stone at the age of five - in front of 4 aunt/uncles).
Just because I now understand her behaviour better doesn't diminish my anger and hurt from a lifetime of wanting a mum who was a soft place to land through the overwhelming chaos of growing up. And as my kids started being hurt by her bluntness I stopped contact. I've been told I would regret it if she died without me getting in touch yet I don't want to keep being hurt over and over. If she wasn't my mum I would definitely not allow such a toxic person in my life or around my children!
 
Harder to heal from your anger when the person who caused it is still there!

Annoying the s*** out of you in a variety of new ways.

Sounds like a good choice.

My mother died without me getting in touch. After many years of not seeing her.

It didn't bother me one bit.

Those people have no idea. Don't talk to them about it.

Try and come up with some sentences for when the subject arises to avoid the subject,if you can.

Your mother can take responsibility, think you've stopped contact for a good reason and make the effort to gain understanding and change.

You're giving her the gift of a chance for personal growth to get herself to a better place.

Like with children you have to behave consistently.

So stay strong and resolute. Cut yourself some slack you did the right thing.
 
Harder to heal from your anger when the person who caused it is still there!

Annoying the s*** out of you in a variety of new ways.

Sounds like a good choice.

My mother died without me getting in touch. After many years of not seeing her.

It didn't bother me one bit.

Those people have no idea. Don't talk to them about it.

Try and come up with some sentences for when the subject arises to avoid the subject,if you can.

Your mother can take responsibility, think you've stopped contact for a good reason and make the effort to gain understanding and change.

You're giving her the gift of a chance for personal growth to get herself to a better place.

Like with children you have to behave consistently.

So stay strong and resolute. Cut yourself some slack you did the right thing.
Gosh, thanks so much for this. It's hard to find understanding and support.
 
It was when I realized the way my mother and I do relationship has caused collateral damage to others that I finally was able to post and maintain boundaries to protect others and myself from her words and behaviors.

And I mean post like: "No Tresspassing!" not virtually.

It was a difficult shift that she resents. She feels tried and punished.

Yet, I remain available to her, speak and interact with her about her life and topics she wishes to share. I extend her honor and respect and am available if she needs me.

However, when I said to her, "I can't do this anymore," I meant it.

Whatever she shares, I no longer give her day-to-day information about my life or the lives of my family members.
 
I stopped contact. I've been told I would regret it if she died without me getting in touch yet I don't want to keep being hurt over and over. If she wasn't my mum I would definitely not allow such a toxic person in my life or around my children!
I praise you on having no contact. Family are givens and we are not obligated to keep in touch if they're toxic and stifling our health. Friends are the family we choose and if we don't have friends we have to act upon extreme self-care which is not the same as being selfish. Often we don't question our family's way of upbringing and are used to just 'going with it' and not breaking the unhealthy cycle. Others around you may admire you for this.
 
Hi my mother is awful too! Especially to my kids...

I believe there are 3 broad categories of humans on Earth:
1. Normal brained (NT)
2. Those on the autism spectrum
3. Robots

Robots sometimes seem to claim they're on the spectrum, god, or the most saintly NTs...but they seem to act like grown versions of tv kids with faint, haunted minds who like to be torturous in response to how the world damaged them. No one seems to officially speak up about category 3! Robots, unlike NTs only follow the worlds rules when it suits them. And they use them to attack others.
 
Hi I'm in the "you don't have to keep in touch if the relationship is toxic" camp as well. I feel like there is a little bit of narcissim going on in this description as well.

Being an aspie isn't just speaking your mind inappropriately. Most of the aspies I know are shy and quiet women. This description of your mother doesn't fit in with how they are.

I do see a bit of my Mother in it. She has other issues other than autism. She does say very hurtful things at times. I don't know if it's a control issue with her. She needs some sort of control to make her feel better about herself. I just ignore the hurtful comments. I actually get on better with her these days. She seems to have mellowed after going through menopause.

I have an older acquaintance who behaved like your mother towards me. I had to draw the line and walk away. I suppose that is easier because she's not a relative, but I felt like she smothered me. I'll give an example, I offered to do some voluteer work for the sake of helping out, but she told me that job wasn't a good idea and I'd be better volunteering for something different so that I could meet a husband. I was really annoyed. I know she kind of meant well, but she didn't see how hurtful that was. I'm good at my little job. I'm doing it to help out. She made me feel devalued. She's done other things too, but we don't have time for the list.

People like this are hard to deal with. But I find I have to say. No don't say that, you've stepped over the line. If they can't take that, I must put space between me and them for the sake of my sanity.
 
I had a feeling there might be people here who understand. And I would love a healthy relationship with my mum but have never had one, so don't know what it would look like or if it is possible. I've lost so much through her toxicity, and with my own struggles I don't have the strength to try again. Maybe I never will. It seems she will trample my boundaries no matter what - I e-mailed her two years ago to say I wanted her to stay away, and she still often comes around to visit my dad - has had nothing to do with him for 20 years, but when I backed off, she decided she regularly wanted to visit him - now he lives on my property. And if she picks a time I will be at work and kids might be home she will just walk into my house. I hate it, and her lack of respect certainly doesn't make me want to see her. Anyway, I appreciate hearing others stories, as it's a lonely thing to disown a parent.
 
I had a feeling there might be people here who understand. And I would love a healthy relationship with my mum but have never had one, so don't know what it would look like or if it is possible. I've lost so much through her toxicity, and with my own struggles I don't have the strength to try again. Maybe I never will. It seems she will trample my boundaries no matter what - I e-mailed her two years ago to say I wanted her to stay away, and she still often comes around to visit my dad - has had nothing to do with him for 20 years, but when I backed off, she decided she regularly wanted to visit him - now he lives on my property. And if she picks a time I will be at work and kids might be home she will just walk into my house. I hate it, and her lack of respect certainly doesn't make me want to see her. Anyway, I appreciate hearing others stories, as it's a lonely thing to disown a parent.

Is there an issue with your dad here?
He had a decision to allow your mother to visit. He'd also had nothing to do with her for 20 years.
He is living on your property.
He should arrange to meet your mother elsewhere,unless there's another problem of course.
 
Your mom sounds like a jerk, having ASD is no excuse for that. I think it's a brave thing to decide you've had enough, to protect your children and yourself from her negative behavior. You go!
 
Last edited:
I would love a healthy relationship with my mum but have never had one, so don't know what it would look like or if it is possible. I've lost so much through her toxicity, and with my own struggles I don't have the strength to try again.
We have illusions of how a mother should be and look like. Those expectations bring disappointments if you think it is possible to be happy around her after the hurt she has caused. It's the way things are and we can't change them, but only our own view of the world while keeping in mind the reality of your mother. It's unhelpful hoping for something that doesn't really exist as this will bring more pain. It's not in this lifetime for you to have a loving relationship with her. This is teaching you that you must move on and cut ties somehow. It'll be challenging, but worth it. Owe this to yourself because no one else will. I wish you the best.
 
Are you sure she's on the spectrum? Narcissistic Personality Disorder has some similar behaviors, but the motivation behind the behaviors is quite different. If you are dealing with a narcissist, no contact is the best option. I'm an aspie that was raised by a narcissist - hell on earth.
 
Is there an issue with your dad here?
He had a decision to allow your mother to visit. He'd also had nothing to do with her for 20 years.
He is living on your property.
He should arrange to meet your mother elsewhere,unless there's another problem of course.
Actually, I've been struggling with that. He's so laid back and doesn't want to get involved, but lets her visit because SHE wants it. And knows she will walk into my place when she's here. I don't like it but also know this is his property too, and I can't tell him who can and can't visit him.
 
Are you sure she's on the spectrum? Narcissistic Personality Disorder has some similar behaviors, but the motivation behind the behaviors is quite different. If you are dealing with a narcissist, no contact is the best option. I'm an aspie that was raised by a narcissist - hell on earth.
I hadn't considered that. I see many aspie traits but agree it's not being aspie to be so mean. Blunt, but not cruel. Hmm.
 
Lets say I know where you're coming from. I don't believe my mother is aspie though, I believe she is a narcissist, or even a sociopath. She has lots of cluster B traits.. She is certainly too callous, conniving and manipulative to be aspie.
 
I hadn't considered that. I see many aspie traits but agree it's not being aspie to be so mean. Blunt, but not cruel. Hmm.

It doesn't matter what she is at the end of the day.


It matters who you are.

If the set up is right at yours ans your dad's- change the locks.

Develop ways to keep,improve your boundaries.

Feel free to disagree :)
 
I agree with others that she is toxic and you've done the right thing by stopping contact. Family or not, yo don't have to put up with asshattery.
 
Lets say I know where you're coming from. I don't believe my mother is aspie though, I believe she is a narcissist, or even a sociopath. She has lots of cluster B traits.. She is certainly too callous, conniving and manipulative to be aspie.
I've done a lot of reading on this site: mothers with narcissistic personality disorder
I'm slightly nauseous with how well it fits with my mother. I've met a lot of aspies over the last 10 years and know we all have different personalities and traits, and although her lack of boundaries and bluntness can be common in aspies, there has definitely been a brutality to it beyond me being 'too sensitive'.
I will, however, think about how I can firm up my boundaries with her at home now she has found a way to stop in by visiting dad.
 
I've come to the conclusion my mum is on the spectrum as I've gone through the process of having my daughter diagnosed and recognising so many traits in myself. I stopped speaking to my mum two years ago and even now I'm sure she's Aspie I don't want contact. I just feel so angry for how she treated me growing up - she has no boundaries, will bluntly tell me in front of my kids I'm 'getting so fat you look pregnant' (currently weigh 68kg and have had five kids - so a little baggy skin around my tummy, but certainly not even slightly overweight!). She would phone guys I was dating (even in my 30's!) to meet for coffee so she could 'help' us, even admitted she was 'in love' with one guy I dated for two years and tried to sleep with him. Would phone my boss to say he needed to understand I was 'going through some stuff at home' so he could go easy on me. If she spent time with my kids and I, she would phone me later to say my daughter was 'too clingy' and I shouldn't favour her by letting her sit next to me all the time (my daughter doesn't like her very much!) or my son didn't hold his fork correctly, and I needed to work on that. Anything I say to her I need to be prepared for her to repeat it to absolutely anyone - I had someone I didn't know stop me in the street and say she was a 'friend of your mums' and asked after my daughter, who was getting counselling from rape crisis...
I can now see her bluntness and lack of boundaries are real aspie traits but still don't want to spend time with her and open myself up to her. I might be an aspie myself, but I grew up constantly anxious and with low self-esteem with a mother who was blunt ('stop looking at yourself in the mirror - you're being vain!') and rude ('you walk like a duck!')and humiliating (pulled down my pants and put me over her lap to check my bottom when I passed a kidney stone at the age of five - in front of 4 aunt/uncles).
Just because I now understand her behaviour better doesn't diminish my anger and hurt from a lifetime of wanting a mum who was a soft place to land through the overwhelming chaos of growing up. And as my kids started being hurt by her bluntness I stopped contact. I've been told I would regret it if she died without me getting in touch yet I don't want to keep being hurt over and over. If she wasn't my mum I would definitely not allow such a toxic person in my life or around my children!
I relate to this - not because I had the same issues with my dad, they were different issues, but they were very, very serious issues - I totally think he is on the spectrum, and that does help me be understanding, but I will not accept that kind of damage into my life anymore. I have not been in contact with him for a few years now. Though I feel bad for how hurt/angry/humiliated he must feel about that, the only other option is for me to accept the damage, as he refuses to see that he has any issue or to make any changes - I am not going to literally endanger my wellbeing on any level. He already ruined my mother's life until her death.
 
Are you sure she's on the spectrum? Narcissistic Personality Disorder has some similar behaviors, but the motivation behind the behaviors is quite different. If you are dealing with a narcissist, no contact is the best option. I'm an aspie that was raised by a narcissist - hell on earth.

I agree: it sounds much more like a Personality Disorder than being an Aspie.

Here's a link to Down the Rabbit Hole: the best writing I know about parents with this issue.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom