I am Venkat from India, a self-diagnosed Autistic

[vrmm]

Hello guys, My name is Venkat, and I am from India.
I am in my 41st year now.
I found that I was Autistic almost around 6 years ago.
I very much want to get officially diagnosed, but my life situations are Not allowing me.
My Life is a Paradox.
I am the only son of my parents.
I had Autistic behaviors always, but both my parents always remained completely blind to my Autistic behaviors.
They always focused on my outward appearances.
Because my Autistic behaviors were Not outwardly visible, my Autism and my Reality remains hidden even till today.
This is the Reason, I need an official diagnosis of Autism, through which I am hoping - I will have a confirmation and validation of my Reality.
I will give more details about me, and my life situations in later posts, because they have a deeper impact on my mental and physical health.
In short, my life situations keep me in a rut, but I cannot afford to.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome Venkat!

I’m glad you found us. If you need any help figuring things out on the forum just let us now. I hope this can be a good place for you.

Looking forward to hearing more about you throughout the different threads.

 

[Rogue Princess]

Welcome Venkat

Unfortunately your username has caused me echolalia of car noises in my head and I can't think of anything intelligent to say

Vrmmmmm

 

[vrmm]

Welcome Venkat

Unfortunately your username has caused me echolalia of car noises in my head and I can't think of anything intelligent to say

Vrmmmmm

Sorry for that.

My full name is
Venkata Ramana Maruthi Mahesh

So, I created my username as Short for my full name: VRMM

Hope you can bear with my username, and hope we can keep interacting.

 

[Rogue Princess]

I can't think... I'm sorry
My brains broken

 

[vrmm]

I am not giving any advice here.

Just stating what came onto my mind:

Getting broken is a state of mind, from which we can rise again.

Being broken by my family, many a times in my life, I wanted to remain shut down during all such instances.
But then, my need to survive - requires me that I try to re-think and see the situation from another perspective, which will help me move on, even if it is not natural to me.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Shevek]

Welcome - I enjoyed my time in India but it is a vast and varied land. Where are you stuck? What are your skills and interests? What would a diagnosis accomplish that self-knowledge won't? Autism is a vast tent, and we each have our own mix of it.

 

[vrmm]

I like your question, it is asking me to look at myself in a new perspective.
Will take some time, and answer you.

 

[tree]

 

[Tristan_USA]

Welcome vrmm! I love India and it's culture. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for.

Sorry for that.

My full name is
Venkata Ramana Maruthi Mahesh

So, I created my username as Short for my full name: VRMM

Hope you can bear with my username, and hope we can keep interacting.

Would Maruthi be your "first"/given name?

 

[vrmm]

Welcome vrmm! I love India and it's culture. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for.

Would Maruthi be your "first"/given name?

Venkat is my first name.
Ramana, Maruthi, Mahesh are my middle names.

 

[Shevek]

I like your question, it is asking me to look at myself in a new perspective.
Will take some time, and answer you.

After I understood about my AS, I discovered that half of the troubles I had with it were because I inherited it from my mother's side, and she also was the classic cold mother, so I got a major attachment disorder. Of approximately equal significance was my ignorance of Emotional Intelligence not being linked to IQ. I didn't even know it had been defined. Another large set of troubles comes flavoured by the specific incidents of abuse that gave me PTSD. So, AS helps tie it all together, but is not a complete definition, even with all the variants.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

 

[vrmm]

Welcome - I enjoyed my time in India but it is a vast and varied land. Where are you stuck? What are your skills and interests? What would a diagnosis accomplish that self-knowledge won't? Autism is a vast tent, and we each have our own mix of it.

Hi Shevek,

I agree with you - self-knowledge is better than a diagnosis. Because I have experienced it.

3 years back, even after realizing that I was having many Autistic traits, I was in so deep a clutter internally, that I could not figure out the total big picture of inner me.
So, in the hope that a diagnosis will help me put all the pieces together, I went to a psychologist, and tried to explain my situation to him.
And, after 4 sessions, I was given a diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder.
But, I could not accept it. So, I stopped continuing the sessions.
Because the diagnosis did not portray all that I was suffering. And the psychologist did not delve deeper into my issues.
I started reflecting deep into my self, talking to myself through my issues, my behaviors, observing myself, seeing myself objectively. Slowly, by God's grace, I came closer to seeing the full picture of my inner me.
[I am Not Religious person. When I say God, I refer to a Force that is beyond me, and observes me always, and guides me as and when needed.]
As I come closer to knowing myself, still I need an external validation of what I am, and what scars I have from my inner wounds in the past (because they still impact my present everyday life).
Because of my parents' total misattunement to me, my internal reality is completely out of sync with my external reality.
To integrate my internal and external realities, I am choosing to go for a diagnosis.
And, from the last diagnosis experience, I realize that I will have to keep persisting in my attempts to get a proper diagnosis, and be more assertive (now I have some clarity on what I am, unlike the last time).
Hope I have aswered your question for "where I am stuck".
Regarding my skills and interests, I will post in another reply.

 

[All-Rounder]

Hi, Welcome to the forums!

Nonbeliever here too.

"My Life is a Paradox." - I know how hard life can be for us, hope you find experiences that you can relate to here.

 

[All-Rounder]

"Because of my parents' total misattunement to me, my internal reality is completely out of sync with my external reality." - Are you saying you feel forced to wear a mask or feel like those around you do not understand you or share your philosophies?

 

[vrmm]

"Because of my parents' total misattunement to me, my internal reality is completely out of sync with my external reality." - Are you saying you feel forced to wear a mask or feel like those around you do not understand you or share your philosophies?

It is only a superficial relationship with my parents. Because of this, I am forced to hide my true feelings to them, and only respond superficially, always forced to mask my reality.

This is the core issue of my life.

As per my understanding: "Having a perception of a person outside my family is Ok, but once I and that person are in a relationship, it is very important that I know that person, and that person knows me, and we make genuine attempts to know each other. Instead of just reacting to each other, as per our perceptions."

Both My parents always remained in their perception of me. They never tried to know me, through all these years.
And I always had difficulty interpreting how I am perceived by others, if they don't express explicitly what they think of me.
I was always too attached to my parents.
In my school years, I relied on my parents totally.
As I moved into college, and into job, I saw my parents' behaviors changing, and completely incongruent. What they said, and what they did - never matched.
As I started decreasing my attachment, I slowly started seeing my parents' actions in a different perspective.
Many of their behaviors were same as what I have read about emotionally immature people, and narcissists on Internet.
I needed a parent with whom I had deep attunement. but that need remains unfulfilled

 

[Alexej]

Hi @vrmm
Glad to have you among us.
We are quite an international group in here

 

[vrmm]

Thank you All, for Welcoming me into the group.