How to stop hugs as greetings

[goraidders]

So to those of you who dislike hugs what do you do to stop being hugged? Or do you just accept the hug, grin and bear it so to speak? My 17 year old daughter hates hugs. (Will be tested soon for autism as well as other things.) But we have a great deal of huggers in our social circles. We are in Arkansas in the southern US, and hugs are a very common way of greeting. We are also Jehovah's Witnesses and our congregation hugs a lot. She cares about them, but Sydney does not like hugs. There are only three or four people she is good with hugs from. When you take us(her parents) away from that there are a lot of hugs she gets she would rather not have. I told her it is her body and if she doesn't want a hug then we will figure out what to say to stop it. No one has a right to enter her space if she does not want them to. And if anyone has a problem it is there problem not hers. She said she did not want to make a big deal out of it and could handle it. But if I could figure out a way to say it that others can understand I think it would make her life less stressful. We are talking about people who have known her since she was a baby, and for a long time hugs did not bother her. Or at least she never let me know they did.

How can I reduce the hugs for her without causing her more embarrassment, or should I leave it alone like she said.

 

[Warmheart]

What a caring parent! And, such a wise daughter.

If I submit to hugs, there is added stress.
If I stop people hugging me, I will have worse added stress, because I am sensitive enough to feel their confusion/rejection..... (major empathy... when they hurt, I hurt) plus, then I'll *really* feel singled-out, isolated, removed from inclusion.

Hugs are sensory hell for me, but I'll increase my physical activity ("sensory diet") to help regulate myself, bounce back better.

There are costs either way, so she is making the best choice she can for her, it seems.

 

[xudo]

Sometimes I give in, for example with family. But mostly I just stand there and make no effort and people usually think I'm being rude and don't try to hug me.

Unfortunately my cousin's creepy old man husband (she's 3 years older than me (34) and the guy she married after being together 6 months is 55...a year younger than my Mum, and just generally a douche) doesn't seem to care that I obviously do not want a hug. I have literally had to dodge and leave the room before because I realised he was going to try to hug me and my brain went "nope fleeeee"

He's just one of those people who makes you really uncomfortable and I'm not entirely sure why. But yeah, basically it's my choice if I allow you to hug me, and if I don't want to, I really couldn't care less if I come across as rude.

 

[kay]

I agree with Warmheart. the stress of rejecting a hug is more difficult than the hug. When I first found myself among huggers I tried saying "Sorry, I'm not a hugger" and smiling but the stress of that was worse than the hug so I broke down and just practiced tolerating it with a friend. Still don't care for it but at least I can fake the whole ritual.

 

[Judge]

I suppose I've learned to deal with hugs much like having to look someone in the eye.

That while it makes me somewhat uncomfortable, that avoiding it altogether may have more consequences. Just another aspect of masking I suppose.

Still, it's weird to me when done with only casual acquaintances.

 

[Mia]

My younger sister dislikes hugs from people she doesn't know, so she developed what I think of as the 'aspie' hug now. When she hugs an acquaintance she leans forward and hugs them across the shoulders, but the rest of her body is not close or in contact with the other person.
Have the same issues myself, live in a place where people kiss one another on both cheeks when they meet and when they say goodbye. Hate it.

 

[toothless]

for me it has been a bit different.
i was non verbal up until my late twenties and up until 20,i absolutely HATED hugs with a major passion, they overloaded me and made me feel like i was in severe pain and as if i was having electric shocks run through my whole head and body.
this was when a relative [or whoever] physically managed to force a hug, i would respond to them-even if it was my mum with severe challenging behavior.

however...when i was 20,i had attended a special college for people with intellectual disability and i was at the leaving ceremony where we all got certificates,the main teacher who had taught me and fought to keep me there gave me a massive bear hug, i had never experienced hard hugs; only light.

i began to accept hugs but practically strangled people across the chest as i would give them huge bear hugs in counter attack to avoid light touch.
i realised for the first time in my life i loved hugs-just not ones which involved light touch.

if i had been verbal when people attempted to give me light touch hugs i would have liked to have said 'sorry, i feel pain/struggle greatly with hugs, can i shake your hand instead?' its a comprimise and im sure people would accept it [then again,i have always given extremely hard hand shakes i dont think you would like one off me],would this be an option for your daughter?

 

[Mia]

the main teacher who had taught me and fought to keep me there gave me a massive bear hug, i had never experienced hard hugs; only light.

My Dad did that, massive bear hugs. Miss those.

 

[toothless]

My Dad did that, massive bear hugs. Miss those.

i would give you one of my infamous deep bear hugs any day.

i think that is the problem,a lot of autistics like hugs in hefty bear hug form but people are often weak with their hugging,we need some autist friendly hugs going on.

 

[Grenade]

I view hugs as expression of affection. In my mind it is impossible to have hug-worthy affection with strangers. I give what I call a "ladder hug" (imagine a ladder that stands like an upside-down V). Or I'll maneuver a side hug, which is less intimate and creepy. I don't like handshakes either, really, because I see people coughing into their hands. Ugh!

 

[Grenade]

I like bear hugs!

 

[ZebraAutismo]

Have a quiet word with people and explain to them about the sensory experience, emotions involved with hugging or convince your daughter to do so. Or get her a badge or card which says please do not hug.

 

[Questella]

There's no hugging in my family, thank God. My son's teacher wants to hug me and his dad's siblings, irks me indefinitely but I just try to hide it and thankfully it's a pretty rare occurrence...

I couldn't imagine having to deal with it on a regular basis... ucky...

I'm sure I've complety weirded out anybody that just tried to hug me out of nowhere... I just don't get it.

With the couple people I can kind of prepare myself when I know it's going to happen and just muddle through without hopefully coming off as anti-them and being offensive. Such as leaving dudes family's after a holiday, I know it's going to happen so I do my best to do it quickly bit firmly and escape...

I think being so close to people that I can smell them, feel their hair on my skin, dry skin... is what irks me to want to run for the hills...

 

[tree]

 

[Progster]

I don't like hugging much or the kiss on both cheeks tht they do here, but handshakes are ok, so if I think they are going for the hug, I offer my hand. That gives them the message that I don't do hugs, only handshakes.

I honestly don't see the function of these social hugs and kissing - whay do they even exist? Why can't people just say 'hello'?

 

[Gracey]

I put my hand out for the handshake first.
If it’s an informal greeting it’s usually the slow, two handed shake, eye contact and an eye-reaching smile - appears a warmer, friendlier handshake.

On a ‘difficult’ day, I can always sanitise my hands discretely afterwards.
If someone hugs me on those days I sometimes feel like I need to change my clothes.

 

[Bella Pines]

And if anyone has a problem it is there problem not hers.

I know this thread is pretty old, but it's such a huge thing for us, it's still worth recording all the tips and tricks we've learned. And what an awesome mum!

To stop hugs I mix and match the following depending on the hugger;

• The arms length. I place my right hand firmly on the huggers chest, place my left hand under their armpit, pat firmly and then back up. With a smile. This gives the impression of a hug without the unwanted intimacy.
• The duck and spin. This takes practice. If the hugger is tall (I'm 5'4) and they have their arms extended, you can duck under the arm, facing them, push off from their side, then spin out, ending up behind them.
• Verbal discouragement. If the hugger is at all hesitant. Look them directly in the eyes and say "I don't do hugs". This is very effective.
• The lower accident. Step hard on their foot, then step back whilst furiously apologizing, this kills the mood, they never attempt a second hug.
• The upper accident. For the persistent hugger, go in with your head stooped and flick it up like you are tossing your hair and catch their chin. Not quite a head butt but enough to kill the mood.
• The grunt. As the hugger approaches, fold your arms and remain still. When they come in for the hug make a snooty, disgusted grunting noise, eugh. That will discourage a reoccurrance.

Not wearing deodorant or turning your back to them rarely works. Verbal has never failed me.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Not wearing deodorant or turning your back to them rarely works. Verbal has never failed me.

Look in the eyes.

Rictus smile.

Push false teeth forward with tongue.

 

[Bella Pines]

Must try that one, I could get some vampire teeth...

 

[OkRad]

I have sucked them up, too, but it eventually explodes and interferes with my ability to function around a hugger. I recently went up to someone and I don't know how I had the guts, but I had to.

I like to ride a bike in a gym with my eyes closed, either memorizing Homer or thinking and he would never stop with touching me!

I finally just said something to the effect of "I know hugging is part of your nature. I am going through something right now. I don't like to be touched. It's not your fault, it's me and I don't want you to feel bad!"

He took it well, but then later, a few days later, he began acting very odd which I knew might happen but it was worth it. He does not know me. He had no right to be in my space. I do care about him and did not want to hurt him, but I cannot just keep sucking stuff like that up when right now I am in a very bad place and can't afford to waste brain energy dodging people who could care less if I lived or died!