How to help my mom with results of my diagnosis?

[Maddzie]

Hey guys!
I'm 21 years old girl and got diagnosed with autism in November. I was getting ready for diagnosis for almost 6 months until I decided to finally risk. As therapist said, I don't fit in all traits and I seem to be neurotypical, yet she also said that I'm in the spectrum, but because of my gender and age I'm masking it. Also the same day I've got a suggestion to diagnose myself with ADHD, which absolutely scared me, because I've never seen myself with those traits.
Since I've got my diagnosis, my mom didn't really talk about it with me. When I finally decided to ask her for support and understanding, I've noticed that she's more comfortable with fact I may have ADHD than being autistic. She siad "I've never seen those traits in you". It hurts me to know that she can't accept this fact, she's probably very overwhelmed by the thought that she didn't notice it earlier or she's scared that I'm just sick or disable in some case.
So here's my question: What shall I do to help her with understanding me better? To show her traits that are typical for me, help her to be open for asking questions or other methods that was successful for you!
Really thanks for any feedback and help!

 

[Judge]

So here's my question: What shall I do to help her with understanding me better? To show her traits are typical for me, help her to be open for asking questions or other methods that was successful for you!
Really thanks for any feedback and help!

Perhaps first and foremost try to get an understanding for whether or not she even wants to understand.

Some parents and loved ones can react quite negatively over such news. Where their first inclination can be denial, citing that autism cannot happen to their child! Sad, but it happens.

Keeping in mind that it's best to keep your autism on a "need-to-know" basis only. To be prepared that even some of the closest persons in your social orbit might not take the news as well as you'd like.

* That there are a very few who will want to understand and succeed in doing so.
* That there are a few more who will want to understand, but fail.
* Leaving the vast remainder who will not understand, and be prone to expecting or demanding that you conform to the thought processes of the majority.

 

[Rodafina]

@Maddzie
Welcome to the forum.

Do you understand masking well? Do you think that you mask around your mother? If so, it can be difficult for people to understand when they have not really seen us being ourselves much. I also think you are right that sometimes parents have a hard time accepting an adulthood diagnosis because it indicates that they missed something when we were young.

Not sure if it would work for you, but I provided my mother with several books and resources that I thought explained autism well. She was very receptive to the ideas I'd offered to her about myself after she had some time to learn about autism from sources that I chose.

 

[Jumpinbare]

It was awkward talking to my mom. She was a registered nurse for a lot of years, and I was concerned she would be critical of herself for not noticing. (She is 88 now, and I am 65.)
But when we actually did talk, it was largely about only being aware of Classic or Kanner's autism, which we nowadays would describe as ASD3. My mom actually has an ASD3 cousin my age who has lived in an institution all his life.

I would have been diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome a few years ago. AS has been umbrella'd into ASD1 now. In the United States, AS was unknown until the 1980s or 90s, so the fact that my parents didn't pick up on it, nor my teachers, is totally not surprising. My parents just described me to others as "the absent-minded professor".

I did give her references she could look up, but I think we covered enough in the conversation for her to "get" that she hadn't missed anything she should have seen, and I am the same son she always knew, it's just now we know why I was always a bit odd.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. Depending on the person, their background and experiences, approaches may vary. I agree that it's generally good to try to provide information, and perhaps gradually, so that the parent (or other person) gradually gets to better understand who you are.

The initial shock may take some time to wear off.

 

[MNAus]

I guess my question would be: what are you looking for? What is the response you desire?

Personally my take was that nothing had changed, except I became better informed, so there was no "thing" to talk about.

OK, so this might come across as provocative, but I want to challenge how you may be thinking. I don't know your personal situation, so if this doesn't apply, discard it, but perhaps asking the person who sacrificed (of their own volition, of course) 18 years of their life, during a youth that would naturally have had significant challenges if you're ASD, for "support and understanding" might be perceived as abrasive. That can come across as "you need to change your game, because as it turns out I have ASD, which requires 'support and understanding' (that one must presume has been absent till now)".

Maybe a better tack might be "holy crap, imagine how much easier it would have been for both of us if we'd realised, mum. You must have felt like you were fighting with one arm tied behind your back. I appreciate everything that you did for me, and wish we could have known this earlier". I know this information is important to you, but requiring more from someone who must have struggled so hard to do their best for you is a big ask. It's come at cost to you, but also to her. Perhaps we might recognise her challenges too, her frustrations? At 21 I'm not sure what you need or should expect.

I'm raising two kids on the spectrum and I can tell you, it's very rewarding (they are two absolutely beautiful humans on so many levels) but it asks a lot of you. I'm not sure how well I'd take a "let's talk about what I need" vibe from them.

Like I say, it's a bit of a provocation. And I don't know you in the slightest, so you shouldn't feel judged.