How Did You Interpret Your Autism Before You Knew?

[Full Steam]

I always thought I was born in the wrong century.

I used the frame work I had available to make sense of my experience, and since I was not brought up with religion I had to look elsewhere for structure and I turned to books, and fantasy worlds.

My favoutite books when I was growing up were Frank Herbert's Dune, and The Lord of the Rings. I read them both well over ten times between the ages of 10 and 16 -17. I also read David Gemmel's books continously

Both Dune and LOTR are hero's journies which appeals to me, and they also operate inside structured social environments, so lots of heroism and excitment, with out confusing social encounters.

I believed I should have been born either in Viking Scandinavia or Britain before the Romans came, back in a time I believed was more honest, honourable and far more in touch with the environment than in the modern age.

I used to walk around school with my mind narrating what I was doing "The boy opened the door and went inside". I put that down to reading too much, but it's obviously an Austism trait and from living far too much in a fantasy world. I've certainly never met an NT who did anything like that.

My fantasy world and the real world seemed to merge together too, and I'd use words from books, and attempt to deal with the world and people using systems of honour from books and films.

That worked out great, as you can imagine

I hated school, but survived ok, as I'm lucky in that I was about the talest in my year, and willing to fight (I grew up the '80s in a roughneck town in the north of England). But no matter how deep into groups I got, I never felt part of them. I knew they kind of liked me, but certainly did not understand me.

I think my fantasy worlds helped a lot growing up, but they definitely lead to unrealistic expectations of people and life as a whole. I expected rock solid honour from friends and looked for damsels in distress for partners. The friends used to get dropped after not living up to my high standards, and the females were always nut cases in distress

SInce leaving school I've got into various things, which I can now see are ways of trying to find belonging, and all the groups are fringe of society and misunderstood; Heavy metal, certain drug scenes, Dance music, motorcycles.

The only one that felt I was a part of it was the Dance music scene as 99% of everyone in a club is going to be on drugs and the the difference then is very much reduced.

It's quite possibly the most fake scene you can be a part of though, and I've left all that behind many years ago.

I gave up trying to belong about 8 years ago and since have been trying to make my own path.

It's strange that only now, when I my need to find others like me is at it's lowest that I find I'm Aspie, and that there are many just like me.

 

[Rich Gray]

I have always had the same thing and even when they do speak to me, it seems a sense of: this is how she is to be treated and it is not very complimentary. I almost get an notion that they feel sorry or "there, there" kind of thing and yet, I just cannot figure out why this occurs. I know I can talk a lot if I am nervous and not in a situation that leaves me dumb and it is true that I barely pause, so I guess that is it!

I have found that people who navigate social situations via reading body-language can misread my body-language and flip-out.

Perhaps they are uneasy because they cannot read my (our?) body-language when normally they are pretty good at it.

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I have also found that people that think based on feelings are the complete opposite of me (us?) that thinks on the extreme other end with logic.

So to someone on the opposite end of the "thinking / feeling" spectrum can find my (our?) rational thought process to be extremely alien.

I know I find troubleshooting a problem without logic to be an extremely confusing idea. I am at a loss at how such people function.

My first reaction to such a person would be negative. I may ask what the heck are you basing your decisions on? Or say something like "That is not logical. Here use these facts, data, and logic I have for you" while thinking . . . "you poor unintelligent person."

-----

Reading below the truth in not most important, but how people feel about the item at hand is important . . . to many. This must be how we Americans got Trump (nothing is wrong with being Republican, and nothing is wrong with being conservative) just that Trump lies a lot, says crazy illogical things, and he gets away with it.

[1] Building a 30-foot cement wall . . . illogical.
[2] Deporting 11,000,000 people . . . illogical.
[3] Bringing coal jobs back . . . illogical.
[4] Registering Muslims . . . illogical.
[5] Thinking that we should kill the family members of criminals (terrorists) as a deterrent . . . illogical.
[6] Saying the military is week . . . illogical.
[7] Saying the economy is bad . . . illogical.
[8] Saying that America is not great . . . illogical.
[9] Saying that Obama was not born in America . . . illogical.
[10] Telling a crazy high number of blatant lies, and getting away with it . . . illogical.

The situation makes my head hurt.

-----

"Thinking (T)
When I make a decision, I like to find the basic truth or principle to be applied, regardless of the specific situation involved. I like to analyze pros and cons, and then be consistent and logical in deciding. I try to be impersonal, so I won't let my personal wishes--or other people's wishes--influence me.

The following statements generally apply to me:

• I enjoy technical and scientific fields where logic is important.
• I notice inconsistencies.
• I look for logical explanations or solutions to most everything.
• I make decisions with my head and want to be fair.
• I believe telling the truth is more important than being tactful.
• Sometimes I miss or don't value the "people" part of a situation.
• I can be seen as too task-oriented, uncaring, or indifferent.

Feeling (F)
I believe I can make the best decisions by weighing what people care about and the points-of-view of persons involved in a situation. I am concerned with values and what is the best for the people involved. I like to do whatever will establish or maintain harmony. In my relationships, I appear caring, warm, and tactful.

The following statements generally apply to me:

• I have a people or communications orientation.
• I am concerned with harmony and nervous when it is missing.
• I look for what is important to others and express concern for others.
• I make decisions with my heart and want to be compassionate.
• I believe being tactful is more important than telling the "cold" truth.
• Sometimes I miss seeing or communicating the "hard truth" of situations.
• I am sometimes experienced by others as too idealistic, mushy, or indirect."

 

[cory]

I knew I was different. I used to think it was something wrong with me and I desperately tried to change it to be normal. When I started to embrace or acknowledge it I thought I was from another planet. I believe there is even a "wrong planet" syndrome among aspies. I always knew that my shortcomings came from my autism, but the things that gave me advantages over most NT also came from this same place. I guess it made me feel conflicted and alien.

 

[Alcyon]

I still wonder at times, regarding the diagnosis: am I better off for knowing?

Well, I'll at least partly answer my own question.

Earlier today I was recalling the moment when the penny dropped. A developing relationship with someone that I had deep feelings for exploded in my face because of things I said. And I didn't understand that what I said was wrong or hurtful. The expression in her face was one I had seen before, too many times.

This time hurt more than normal because I thought I had learned all the lessons I needed: this time I was going to get it right. Nope, same old same old.

In the aftermath, I was seriously thinking that if I wasn't a psychopath, I must be a sociopath. It was the only explanation I thought fit; what else could explain this inability to get along with others? Not a pleasant time.

I had a chat with her after the dust settled, I apologised for my behaviour and out of my mouth, without having thought about it beforehand, came the words: "it's like I must have ----ing Asperger's or something!" In a moment of total clarity I knew, that's it.

So, at least I don't think I'm a sociopath.

 

[Full Steam]

I've looked at sociopathic explanations also. Partly to explain my relative coldness towards others.

I can see now it's more like a nueral message lost in transit than actual lack of feeling.

I actually care very much even for strangers, but I can't always see that I care.

 

[Alcyon]

I actually care very much even for strangers, but I can't always see that I care.

This, oh, a thousand times this! It took me quite awhile to figure out that I feel too much, more than I can comfortably keep up with at least. So at some point, long ago, I built a wall between me and my feelings. The struggle now is to, if not take down the wall, at least put a few openings in it; allow some traffic through.

 

[jamesaldrin]

I'm 18 now.

For most of my life, I've never really thought about why I'm different. My life was just this: for some reason, I don't know how to interact with others and they all become friends while leaving me out. I never questioned it.

I have come across the Aspergers wikipedia page a few times during my life, and always thought to myself that, "Hey, this sounds a lot like me." But I never looked that far into it, being as I didn't want to self-diagnose myself. Nowadays I wouldn't mind self-diagnosing myself with Aspergers, I think.

I thought I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at some points.

When I was 17, I thought that the reason I was like this was Depression. Cue my plot to get antidepressants.

Finally, at the same time in my life that I thought I had Depression, I went to see a psychiatrist. I went to see him because I was tired of feeling disconnected and wanted to fix it. I told him that I couldn't feel emotions, and that I wanted to feel them. I told him that I feel as if there's a chemical released in people's brains when they talk to each other that makes them feel connected, and I don't have this chemical.

After two visits, he diagnosed me with Aspergers.

 

[jamesaldrin]

What a thought provoking topic!

I agreed with the prevailing opinion that I was slightly eccentric, but generally a decent sort of fellow. A lot of good things happened to me; both because of innate gifts and because of hard, grinding work to become the person I thought I should be.

When it all fell apart at various times for various reasons in my life, I would, sooner rather than later, redouble my efforts and keep trying. I figured all my difficulties would resolve themselves if I just tried harder and learned more. I am fortunate in having a tendency towards black depression balanced by, if not outright optimism (that can be there), then at least a remarkable pig-headed stubbornness.

Although I recognised that I had challenges, it doesn't take too much observation of the world and the people in it to to realise that it's a mighty strange place filled with mighty strange people. In that regard, I seem to fit in just fine.

I still wonder at times, regarding the diagnosis: am I better off for knowing?

I wish I never found out. I was the same as you: I knew I was different, but just kept working hard to become the "person I thought I should be." I made lots of progress and even kind of became a "cool kid" at school (in a loose sense). I could tell that people were intimidated by me because I gave off a "cool kid" vibe.

I wish I never found out because I was happy with my progress. I had no need to find out I had Aspergers. Now I have this label that will follow me until I figure out how to stop letting it follow me.

 

[Judge]

That's easy. I just chalked it all up to being a bright, but introverted jerk who was socially impacted from moving around a lot. Didn't really become introspective about it until I got into my fifties.

Autism? I didn't have a clue. Didn't even understand what autism really was. Surely not my concern as that only happened to other people.

Life is full of surprises.

 

[orphan]

I have just always been different.
Tried hard to fit in... but never did.

I used to hurt so bad about this. Became enraged. Spent many years enjoying this rage. It kept people out. Made me "scary" rather than "special".

Since finding out... I hurt less. Still want to be a regular guy, but know it will never be. Rage is still my go to safe place.
Now I consciously try to do kindness during the day. Try to be kinder to myself as well. Still looking.

I accept that I'm an alien. Always have. Used to ask why me. Used to wonder what I did wrong. Now I embrace it. Who needs to be impressed any ways?

 

[tree]

It seems about the same way as now.
Other people aren't me.
I have figured that part out.
But to me that just means, they aren't me.
Not that I am different from them.
Questions like this always seem strange to me.

 

[8398]

In my own world that no-one else was truly a part of, even my close family. There were times I even thought, what if the only thing that was real was my little world. My only understanding of autism, well was pretty much nothing, only the low functioning special education children I saw at school. I remember some time in elementary school, I knew I wasn't like them but at the same time I felt a little like them. I wanted to hang out with them, but I thought my peers would judge me for that. Now that I think about it, I they were the only ones I sympathized for at school. When I'm the same way my whole life it's hard to compare it to others, but by middle school I was on a search for what was wrong with me, probably because the equation of growing up + expectations + possible undiagnosed aspergers= low self esteem and later depression. But I thought depression was the only thing wrong, like it poofed out of nowhere. My family denied I was depressed, I swear I showed obvious signs! That just proves, that if someone told them I had a form of autism, they'd deny it. They think autism can only be low functioning.

 

[nowwhat]

I am wondering what you thought of yourselves before you knew you had autism?

I was born into a religious family, so around 12, I was sure I was evil. The meltdowns were scary and I interpreted them through my religious beliefs. This was a huge burden for a kid and everyone kept telling me to give it to God and he would take. He sure did not take and did not even let me know what the trouble was!

After that a shrink convinced me that there was no god and that I was just mentally ill. Then a lot more shrinks said I was mental and I had so many dx's that some even contradicted one another. It got to be absurd. No single person could have the number of dx's I had. It was a joke.

Then I came full circle and thought there was a God again and he clearly hates me. No way that I would have gone through everything I did and there NOT be a god behind. Some seemed perfectly engineered to torment an autie, weird things, and the hits just kept coming with zero down time between them.

Then when I was Dxed it was as much a huge existential kick to the gut as it was a light going on.

Now I just assume I was horribly, horribly unlucky and about to find my place among those in the vast past who suffered.

Nothing special, not remembered, the nameless, trillions of people who have touched this planet for a second and died.

Close enough in most points to be me, but for the early religious upbringing. I was raised an atheist and was just sad and lonely, not knowing why. When I found out why, I became more sad and lonely. LOL. But, really, I did.

 

[orphan]

It really gave me peace of mind.
Like a "wow" moment.
Explained a lot.
The community here. The "right" to be me, you, us.
Personal to each of us.

 

[Adora]

I just thought I was weird,I thought I was just extremely shy with social phobias who was extremely naive and felt like I couldn't get close or relate to many people,I use to say as a joke that my brain must have been put in backwards because I just felt like i didn't think like everyone else,I felt like I was born on the wrong planet since I couldn't understand the way friendships worked and while I did had Some in my younger years they never lasted long and I was mostly bullied,my husband said to me just last night that he knew I was aspergers before I even knew and the reason why he didn't say anything to me earlier or until it was picked up by a psychologist was because he thought I would get upset about it, but he has been the very few people in my life that wanted to get to know me which is I guess for most people is a challenge.

 

[Reedstorm17]

I could sort of tell that I was different from most of my classmates, but I didn't really think much of it.