How Did You Interpret Your Autism Before You Knew?

[LostInSilentHill]

I thought I was broken honestly, I was abused as a child and I thought that maybe I had been broken by it. Mental illness was soon tossed around by doctors but nothing ever seemed to fit right. It just made me feel more broken, not fitting into any of the diagnoses I was given. I wasn't hitting the 'milestones' that my friends were and I didn't seem to be improving either.

As a child, my behaviour didn't seem wrong to me. It wasn't until I was in high school that I realised my behaviour was abnormal from everyone else's.

I was bullied terribly, and it seemed like all through my youth, people hated me for no reason. It wasn't till I looked at my old school reports that I saw how I acted and how uncomfortable it made the other kids.

My behaviour was considered a side-effect of the abuse, so it never seemed to be properly dealt with. I see that my mother was told that I would improve with time, but without proper 'people training' I never really did. I just learned to hide certain things from others.

Until I was first suspected of having autism a few years ago, I was very depressed and unsure how I could improve. Now that I know about it, I see that I was never broken, just made a bit differently. It has helped tremendously with moving forward in life.

It really shows how important early diagnoses is.

 

[xDominiel]

I just thought my odd behavior was the result of the abuse and bullying I went through and didn't think I was really an aspie at all. Eventually though, I realized it's likely both. Some of my quirks are aspie traits, others are learned coping behaviors.

 

[Vinca]

I just thought there were parts of me that didn't 'work properly'.

Also, I thought that one day I would just 'get it', that is how to relate to and interact with people. I thought it was something that was a part of growing up and I was just lagging behind.

At the same time, though, I only knew what it was like to be me and live inside my head, so I didn't realize how much of a difference there is between what it's like in a neurotypical head and a neurodiverse head.

 

[Paiva]

I'm a self diagnosed aspie. I used to want a proper diagnosis, but I don't really care about that anymore.

The reason I don't care about the diagnosis is that I used to think very little of myself. I was always "book smart", but there were so many basic social skills I was lacking. What seemed so easy for the other kids (and later teenagers), was so difficult or impossible for me. When I was a child I used to wish I was someone else all the time.

But after learning about Asbergers, I finally understood myself as well as other people. I now focus on my strenghts and accept my weaknesses, and I now how to cope with meltdowns better.

I'm sad to read about how much suffering some of you endure because of your neurodiversity. But to me, discovering that I'm an aspie (official diagnosis or not) is one of the best things than ever happened to me.

 

[Crossbreed]

Being twice exceptional, my mother and I assumed that my quirks were a byproduct of my giftedness. She had seen similar traits in my father and her father.

I was born into a religious family, so around 12, I was sure I was evil. The meltdowns were scary and I interpreted them through my religious beliefs. This was a huge burden for a kid and everyone kept telling me to give it to God and he would take. He sure did not take and did not even let me know what the trouble was!

Then I came full circle and thought there was a God again and he clearly hates me. No way that I would have gone through everything I did and there NOT be a god behind.

I believe that there are two types of autism: eugenic & degenerative. (The latter appears to be a complication on top of the former.)

Before salvation, we are no worse than anyone else. We just wear it differently.

After salvation, we are no worse than anyone else. We, still, just wear it differently. (There is even a Scripture that describes our positive place in the Church!)

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

 

[nowwhat]

I was convinced there was something deeply wrong with me and that I didn't belong anywhere because I struggled so bad with bullies and trying to make friends. People take an instant dislike to me, without even speaking to me. Considered myself stupid because I couldn't seem to ever say the right thing. Didn't fit in with fashion. Personal hygiene wasn't up to scratch. Always just thought I had one of those "faces".

Things like meltdowns (my Mum used to call it the "dying fly") and sound sensitivity was just put down to me being short tempered, overdramatic, overemotional or oversensitive.

Ruminating was just put down to me being a "worrier" and I was (and still am) told to "just stop thinking about it".

To cut a long story short, everything makes sense now.

Redact a very few details, and you've spoken my piece cor me. So, I'll borrow if you dont mind, and save the typing.

 

[Adora]

I use to think I was just different with also trauma mixed in later on,the kids at school bullied me very badly and always pointed out how weird I was and that time I was really into drawing pictures and use to always carry my folder with me everywhere and that became another thing I was picked on about,I even had a kid a school scribble paint over a drawing I did while I was out of the class,but the fact also I didn't have many friends and I wasn't into the latest trends at the time also served as a target on me,as I got older I went through a few doctors who diagnosed me multiple things like depression and also schizoaffective disorder and was put on medication that made me feel worse and did more damage than good,I didn't go and see a doctor in years after that due to not trusting them but was convinced by my husband that I needed to go because I wasn't coping with my trauma at the time and that's when I discovered that I'm on the spectrum along with c-ptsd but it took 31 years to find out why I was the way i am,I went through years thinking I was broken,weird and was even called evil but now I know that I'm not these things and it has helped me start healing and accept myself for both my strengths and weaknesses but I still have a long way to go.

 

[Rich Gray]

I thought that my “light bulb” took longer to go on than others.

[1] It was difficult for me to learn to read.
[2] I was diagnosed with Dyslexia in 1st grade (6-years-old).
[3] I likely needed glasses. I obtained glasses in 3rd grade (8-years-old).
[4] In the 5th grade (10-years-old) I was reading at a 3rd grade level (8-years-old).
[5] I started playing D&D in the 5th grade (10-years-old).
[6] By the 8th grade (13-years-old) I was reading at the college level (18-years-old or more).

[7] In high school (9th though 12th grade / age ~14-18) I did above average and coasted though without any difficulty.
[8] In college I had difficulties with the change of venue, lack of support, and lack of structure.
[9] I was not diagnosed in college.
[10] If I were diagnosed before college, then I would have likely done a lot better.

[11] A friend of mine got me a job working for an internet service provider.
[12] I was promoted due to mostly luck in a group of ~6 others.
[14] As a technician in the engineering department (call-center, similar to IT, but not IT) I was able to do 160% of a day’s quota in 30-90 minutes. The boss did not want me to do more.
[15] My ego was huge.
[16] Co-workers were clocking in on the weekends, not working, going golfing, or shopping at the mall.
[17] I mentioned this to my boss, figuring that he would handle it without getting folks into trouble.
[18] My boss tried to frame me, and get me fired.
[19] I panicked, and contacted HR in a frenzied email.
[20] My department was moved to another state, and lots of people were laid off.
[21] I was offered a job by my bosses’ boss, but misunderstood the title.
[22] I was depressed for a really long period of time.

[23] I finished my bachelors.
[24] I was at the end of my masters program (to be a teacher) with a 4.0 GPA.
[25] I could not get passed student teaching for a variety of reasons.
[26] The school was extremely mean to me, and the meeting was recorded.
[27] I was “diagnosed" by a lawyer with a son with Asperger's Syndrome.
[28] I was diagnosed for real soon after.
[29] I obtained Harvard educated a pro bono lawyer who was quite pissed that the school was so damned mean.
[30] I should have sued the school, but they agreed to let me keep my 4.0 GPA, I figured I may get another degree, and I just let it go.

[31] I now sell items on eBay (mostly expensive board games with exclusives that I buy off of Kickstarter). Sometimes I break even, but mostly I make some money. ~$3,000 profit from one board game Kickstarter has been my best so far. My wife does not want me to buy too many, or really do it at all, but I feel like I need to make some money, and I seem to be able to do so this way.
[32] I also sell insurance (passing the tests were stressful, but they are apparently easy-ish), but it is a seasonal gig (19-weeks last year, and likely 25-weeks this year). I am on year two (~$17.47 per hour the first year, and ~$18.54 per hour this year). I am hoping to be hired on year-around.

 

[The Phantom]

Just a disclaimer: I have not received an official diagnosis, however I am trying to get one. I just assume there is an extremely high possibility that I have aspergers, because when I fist came for help here all the replies to my thread told me I sounded a lot like them, and it continues on from that point.

Anyway, OCD and other disorders run in both sides of my family. I showed signs of having it from a very early age, and my parents recognised it. For a long time, that was that, and I was told not to tell anybody about it. I complied, although there were many of my habits that slipped out, and my friends found really strange. Fast forward to age 11, where my interest in psychology began. I started to research various topics related to disorders, and after a while I found some tests (reliable ones) that you could take to determine the possibility of having various conditions, such as Bipolar, Autism/Aspergers, Depression, etc. At that point, I already knew there was a large possibility of my having ADD, because it also ran in my family and I showed some signs, however the issue was largely ignored at home. But I took the tests just for fun, and for a while was convinced I might be Bipolar (because the tests said it was likely I had Type II.) Now, I'm not saying it wasn't a credible test, however its very obvious now that I am not Bipolar. That being said, there was still something there that wasn't quite right, and through the years I realized that I had many symptoms of another condition that didn't fit under the label of OCD. My parents would always say any of my problems were caused by my OCD, and while a lot of them were, a lot of them very obviously were not a byproduct of such a disorder. So I began researching, and I eventually found that I showed symptoms of sensory processing disorder, mostly in the emotional category. I also found the large overlap between ADD (not ADHD, I am not hyperactive) and Aspergers. Long story short, I decide to consult Aspiescentral, and with the help of others, I realized how many of my 'problems' as well as personality traits and hobbies coincided with Aspergers. Now I am trying to get a diagnosis, but Aspergers is much harder to stop in girls, so my parents are still skeptical. However, my therapist has noticed the possibility, so I'm hopeful

 

[Full Steam]

Great thread idea.

I need to think this through as it's multifaceted.

 

[Suzanne]

People take an instant dislike to me, without even speaking to me.

I have always had the same thing and even when they do speak to me, it seems a sense of: this is how she is to be treated and it is not very complimentary. I almost get an notion that they feel sorry or "there, there" kind of thing and yet, I just cannot figure out why this occurs. I know I can talk a lot if I am nervous and not in a situation that leaves me dumb and it is true that I barely pause, so I guess that is it!

 

[WildCat]

It was never brought to my attention until my teen years when the issues started to really compound and I failed to "grow up", so I was never made aware of it before that. After I was finally made aware of it, I was absolutely convinced that I was defective, retarded, broken...and only after thoroughly researching it so many years later along with a couple of life changes here and there I'm finally beginning to grow out of that mindset and accept myself as is. Not that it was an easy process and I'm still not finished, but better than a decade past.

My family on the other hand (the ones who knew), they thought it was just something I would eventually grow out of (which you don't, you work around it). Because, you know, little children just go through those sort of phases? It kinda sickens me to hear some of the stories here, almost the complete opposite of my upbringing. Take my grandmother for instance who thought the doctors were full of ****, and she was right...to an extent. That time period though, it was still misunderstood...still is now, just that there was less information and support then compared to now.

 

[cory]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I started noticing I was different from other kids in grade school. This knowledge grew over time, but I was pretty lucky, especially when I compare myself to some of the stories I hear here. I always have been called out for my idiosyncrasies but I was pretty well liked as an adolescent and young man. I had friends in all cliques at school because I treat everyone equally and usually get the same treatment in return. I always felt alien though and had a deep desire to connect with people like me that was seldom realized. In retrospect there was one friend I had in high school who I am now positive had aspergers. I always felt very connected to him and now I know why. I also had a girlfriend at age 22 who I strongly suspect was somewhere on the spectrum. It felt like I finally knew I "fit" somewhere when I realized I had aspergers. My life finally made sense. For me getting a diagnosis would only have a negative effect. I already have a pre-existing condition that will make it difficult for me to get health and life insurance. A diagnosis of Aspergers or high functioning autism will only make that worse. I've self-diagnosed other conditions and feel perfectly fine remaining a self-diagnosed Aspie.

 

[Mr Allen]

Most people like me, a few people on various forums don't like me but it's not personal, it's the fact I'm on benefits and can't work that they take exception to, I do plan to try and get into a part time paid position next year if I can, but I've been saying that every year for longer than I care to remember and aside from achieving various voluntary positions it hasn't happened.

 

[Kristyn]

I thought I was bad and wrong. I was a difficult child and I refused to do a lot of things because of sensory issues, but I couldn't articulate why. My mom was always reading parenting books and trying different strategies. She thought I had ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and I felt awful because I knew she saw me as trouble and bad.

I personally never even considered the possibility of me being anything other than normal or having a disorder. I never thought about how others perceived the world, but assumed the way my brain worked was just standard. Even when I started having anxiety and panic attacks, I just told myself I was weak and that everyone went through it, so I should just suck it up. It was really difficult to accept the possibility of having an anxiety disorder, let alone autism.

I'm very lucky to be diagnosed and in treatment, but I often feel like I'm just faking it and that what I go through is standard. I go through phases of self-resentment where my mind gets convinced that there's something morally wrong or weak with me and that I'm just using autism as an excuse.

 

[Aspiegirl75]

If I could hit agree 100 times here I would. That "grinding" away, that determination to be better and exhausting persistence......It was like sitting in a pushup position with sharks swimming around below me and knives ready to pierce me if I relaxed one inch.

It was like climbing a sheer cliff that has been oiled and you don't get it. There is an elevator for everyone else......why were you put at the bottom of that cliff? No problem, you say. It's not the destination , it's the journey and look how fit you get climbing that cliff!

But then you realize you got nowhere. Not even an inch. Then Life hits.......you find a mass or someone kicks you in the face and you're down to the bottom, or you have a medical event, family dies, and no one cares that you have been climbing so hard.

The time you wasted climbing, others have used to build a little 401K, a family, a retirement nest egg, a career.......

Wow!!! I couldn't have said it better myself!
I have lead a very sheltered life for the most part, so the best I could come up with to make myself feel better was, "I'm sure EVERYBODY feels the same, struggles the same and suffers the same." But that didn't explain a lot of things, so I just didn't explore it too closely. It wasn't until two of my children were diagnosed on the spectrum, that I started reading about it. The more I read about Asperger's the more I could relate to it. It felt like my struggle in this life was finally explained! Anyways, now I'm 41, strongly suspect I'm an aspie & awaiting diagnosis at some point.
Great thread by the way!

 

[Chris Russell]

Excellent idea for a thread, and worthy of lengthy consideration... Several of the responses chime with my own experiences, including yours, OKRAD. I was brought up a catholic, and listened carefully to the sermons and the words of the Mass, applying them to my own thoughts, as people do. I was perplexed by the dichotomy of my presumed good nature, and my apparent lack of interest in people. When prompted to pray for those people in my life that I cared about, or who were in particular need - I always struggled. In this environment, and in the absence of another explanation, you can be forgiven for coming to the conclusion that you are at fault, bad, defective etc.

Aspies can be very good researchers, learners and students. Some may say we have to be. I learned hundreds of behaviours to reduce the effects of these differences over the years, on the people around me, and to reduce my exposure to negativity that it generated. I gave no time to considering the effects of this course of action on me, as I was clearly defective, and didn't deserve such consideration. (After all - what kind of person couldn't shake hands with the people around them during the 'sign of peace'?) Not only that, but I had been 'given' great talents and abilities, that I continually wasted or failed to make good use of. I eventually stopped painting and writing after leaving school, and didn't take it up again until after my diagnosis.

The effects of these long term strategies always catch up with you, and years of therapy for one diagnosis or another inevitably follow... I was 43 before a bolt from the blue showed me the truth that would be so clearly visible, were it being observed now.

I still go to church, but now I feel less hypocritical, because I realise I enjoy the routine and the opportunity to sing sacred music in harmony with a decent choir. I am happy in the knowledge that I will never blindly believe Catholic doctrine, and that I am still a good person, regardless of other people's expectations. It'll take time to repair the damage of 40 years, but I'm getting there...

 

[Professori]

I simply thought that I was marching to a different drum - only because I observed that everyone pointing a finger at anyone else also had their own brokenness. There is not one person on the face of planet earth who is not broken to a greater or lesser degree, but it takes a great deal of arrogance to point out someone else's differences but not look into your own mirror.

I was just broken differently, but also believed that could be turned into a positive. I really struggled with the issue of having to meet the expectations of others - to perform in order to be accepted, and always had the deep-down thought that I was trying to please someone, but did not know who. I was a loner, melancholic, introverted, no friends and so it was always a battle to just be when others came into my sphere of existence.

Man, that made me angry!!

That kind of pressure really broke me and I gave up, but in short, over a long period of time i just made up my mind that I am who I am and cannot allow others to expect me to perform to their standards. Anyway, what standards, and set by whom? Everyone wans everybody else to please them or be tossed aside. Grief, where is true relationship today - in which the relational value and the person are cherished rather than self-gratification?

 

[LostInSilentHill]

I'm very lucky to be diagnosed and in treatment, but I often feel like I'm just faking it and that what I go through is standard. I go through phases of self-resentment where my mind gets convinced that there's something morally wrong or weak with me and that I'm just using autism as an excuse.

I often feel the same way, like that maybe the doctors are wrong and I'm just making things seem worse than they are. Like I'm faking it or something, even though I know that is not really the case. I suppose there is just a lot of self-doubt in my mind.

 

[Bellatrix]

I can totally relate to this. I was told to stop attention seeking, or showing off. Too emotional, too sensitive.

Again, I can relate. I hate being told to "just get over it" or "just stop thinking about it". If it was that f***ing easy, don't you think I would??

I've had problems with being used by people who were supposed to be friends, or being bullied by supposed friends too. I always realised that they thought I was weird, but just thought that that's the way I was. I would carry on hanging around with them because to a point, I thought that this was how friends treated one another and partly because it was better than being alone. Now I realise that they were just utter b***ards.

This sounds like the story of my life. The dismissiveness of people (i.e. adults) when one is a child that one assumes to be in a position to judge, the utter incapacity to empathise with us, to see things from our perspective, the cavalier attitude to our - very REAL - suffering, the "advice" (usually unwanted) to just accept abuse because "it builds character", the even worse advice to overcome loneliness by just "making an effort to find friends" (yeah, like we had never thought of this). Am so very tired of all the CRAP, with all the B.S. we have to constantly put up with! I do know, now that I am all grown up and can take care of myself, that I will certainly NOT put up with anyone who thinks they can get away with treating me with disrespect and condescension. If anyone tries... well, let's just say they had better not. They will not like the consequences.