Hope you can help-NT female/AS male

[Meggie66]

Hi guys, this is my first post here so apologies if its long.

I've known my bf over 8 years as a friend and work colleague. My impression of him during these years were he's smart, funny, very intelligent, confident, fantastic memory, devilishly handsome, can be arrogant towards certain people, a bit of a mans man as in "one of the lads" and not very successful in relationships due to commitment fears, but an all round good guy. We always got on well both within a working environment and out socialising on office nights out. I always had a secret attraction towards him, but we were both in other relationships so we were only ever friends.

About 18 months ago we began a relationship, both of us were single at this point ( I made the move on him as I realised my flirting skills weren't working so had to directly ask him out ). I learned more about him and realised he has low self esteem and lacks confidence in himself (something he kept hidden very well). He was honest with me and told me he had suffered from anxiety and depression a lot in his life. As the relationship progressed I realised that we sometimes view situations from totally different angles, little things he said, did and told me led me to suspect he has AS (he had never heard of it). I've done a lot of research and read lots of books etc but obviously I'm not a doctor so cant be sure. Initially he had times when he would close himself off for days without contact and I would be frantic thinking he'd been in an accident. We seem to be over this stage now after I explained I understood if he needed time alone, as long as he communicated this to me so I didnt worry something bad had happened to him.

On the whole I'm very happy with our relationship (now that I've realised some of things are not aimed at me personally, its just the way he is), he is affectionate in a quiet un-demanding way, cooks me meals and we each have other interests/hobbies outside of the relationship. He is happy to give me the freedom to persue my own hobbies and never moans when I spend lots of weekends away with my friends, and I am the same with him.

But there are some things that bother me a little bit and I cant seem to communicate with him about these things.
In our working situation he was quite sociable, enjoyed (or seemed to) nights out. We no longer work together so I understand that he no longer wishes to join us on those nights out now.
He wont attend any other function, wedding, christenings, family party or even the offer of a quiet meal at a friends house with me, although he will attend events and functions that are organised by his friends or family, but I dont get invited so he goes alone. I've tried to understand this and asked him if he can even try to explain the reason, but he either laughs (something he does when he cant think of what to say and is uncomfortable) or gives such a long winded confusing answer that I'm no further forward. He has never met and of my friends or family, and I've never met any of his.

My NT female head says that he doesnt want to be seen with me in public or is ashamed to be seen with but I'm sure thats not the reason. He is quite happy for us to go out alone for a meal etc but not if anyone else is going with us. At the moment it is like we live in a bubble, with each of us having seperate lives.

Can anyone help me to make sense of this as my family and friends are beginning to think I've actually made this man up and he doesnt exist as they've never seen him

 

[livinggreen]

Hi Meggie, I am new to the forums too. I relate to the level of potential Aspergers in your boyfriend. I have always been successful with relationships with women, but my own mild Aspergers gets in the way of almost all of these relationships in some way, shape or form. I will try to help based on my own issues and what I have learned. If your boyfriend has low self esteem issues and Aspergers, I would guess it is the fear of the unknown (and people possibly not liking him) that leads him to stay in his circle and leave you in yours. He knows his circle, he knows what to expect and these people know the version of him that you knew before you were in a relationship with him, that helps him feel comfortable. If he brings you into that circle, you have knowledge of some things that the others may not and that may scare him or make him think you will tell them. This is Aspergers + self esteem in my opinion.

In regard to your circle, it is all an unknown and something that has always been troubling to me as well. I am in my early 40s and can navigate these situations now pretty easily, but in my 20s and 30s the fear of a group of people I didn't know was overwhelming. I was confident in myself, but worried that they would be too friendly with my girlfriend, know her better and unintentionally make me feel uncomfortable or like an outsider.

My best advice would be to try and start small, talking about it and setting up a dinner with a couple on each side and then eventually broadening that spectrum. If he knows one of your friends, he would gain a level of comfort and vice versa if you knew one of his friends and they liked you. In the end, a discussion is always best, but sometimes it is hard to get past the first protective barrier with an AS man (me included). I hope this helps in some way.

 

[Meggie66]

Many thanks for your reply livinggreen.
You certainly raised things that I hadn't even thought of, which I suppose is the reason why I came here .
I will try to broach the subject with him again when the time feels right and we're both relaxed.
I have no issues with him having a social life that doesn't include me, just as I have my own nights out without him with my female friends, but it would be nice to go to some things when it's a "couples night out " if that makes sense.

 

[smith2267]

If he IS one of us, it's almost certain he doesn't like crowds and noisy places.
But as you've said, none of us are Dr.'s and can't know for sure. I've heard some guys lead double lives, don't know how common it is. Hope that's not the case.

 

[Bay]

Many thanks for your reply livinggreen.
You certainly raised things that I hadn't even thought of, which I suppose is the reason why I came here .
I will try to broach the subject with him again when the time feels right and we're both relaxed.
I have no issues with him having a social life that doesn't include me, just as I have my own nights out without him with my female friends, but it would be nice to go to some things when it's a "couples night out " if that makes sense.

Hi Meggie, and welcome. In my experience, the social life of Aspies often does not make sense to the rest of the world!

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Hi

I'm an aspie who doesn't really like to socialise with people outside of the work place. I don't like to get too close to work mates personally. Just me. Aspie's aren't really big on being in huge crowds and family get togethers can be hard, especially when they aren't your family. That sort of thing would probably have me suffering a panic attack pretty quickly. I don't really do well personally in a group of people when I only know at best my husband.

Why don't you try introducing him to your family a little at a time. Like mum and dad then each sibling and their partners and so on so that he can get to know them before being thrown in the deep end literally.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

I agree with Dragon's Tooth. My mom's side of the family is fairly small so I can handle that fairly easily. I was never very comfortable when I went to family get together's with my dad's side of the family because in comparison he has a pretty large family, some of whom are married in and I get kinda overwhelmed by all the people. If I did ever get to where I introduced a guy and he was an Aspie to my dad's side I would likely try to do it a few members at a time in an effort not to send him into a panic attack or anything of that sort. Just talk to him and see if he would be willing to meet a couple family members at a time in small little meets to keep him from having meltdown or something. for me it would be hard to introduce someone to my dad's side though since he lives up north.

 

[Meggie66]

If he IS one of us, it's almost certain he doesn't like crowds and noisy places.
But as you've said, none of us are Dr.'s and can't know for sure. I've heard some guys lead double lives, don't know how common it is. Hope that's not the case.

Again, many thanks for the replies and giving me a view of things as he might see them. I'm, pretty sure he's not leading a double life Smith but I can see how you might think that, given the information I've given. I'm in my 40's so not unversed in the art of relationships and I'm pretty sure I would sense if there was someone else on the scene. He spends most weekends with me and we speak every night if I dont see him (its usually him that makes the contact with me. His marriage broke up many years ago as she had an affair so he is very much against this type of thing and quite old fashioned in his ways. In the 8 years that I knew hm as a colleague I never once seen him "playing the field". Clearly I dont know for sure, and we can never predict what will happen in any relationship, but we've both discussed this subject and we have both stated that this would be the end of the relationship, even though we dont live together, and are not married.
I dont know for sure that he has it although we have talked about it, my reasons for suspecting AS are roughly as follows,

Communication difficulties in his past relationships (he told me this)
Slight OCD tendancies, likes to colour co-ordinate things, such as clothes pegs to washing, etc,
Likes routine likes to do shopping, car wash etc on certain days, will phone at the same time every night if I'm not with him
Hates being late and gets quite stressed and angry if others are late
Doesnt like visitors at his house unless he is expecting them and will pretend he's not at home if he doesnt know who it is
Has suffered depression and anxiety
Is quite clumsy and trips over things etc
Has an amazing memory for dates and other data, for instance if I asked when he first went on holiday abroad most (NT) people would reply with the rough age they were when they did that, he will give the exact year.
If he's stressed he counts things, for instance how many steps from the train station to his house and will then equate that to the distance
Stammers when nervous
Monotone voice (I find it quite sexy !!)
Quietly spoken
Sound sensitive
Hums to himself a lot
Closes down when he's stressed or depressed and wont communicate with anyone (not just me, this includes his friends )
Will shy away from any type of verbal conflict
Takes things very personally ie if something goes wrong he cant brush it off and feels like a failure
Has a very high IQ and is extremely intelligent, although can struggle with simple things such as painting walls in his house
Likes to be independant and wont ask for help from others (and isnt keen on accepting help even when he needs it)
Dislikes the feel of certain fabrics against his skin
Likes to stick to what he knows and reluctant to try new things
Can be paranoid at times
Can be self centred

Sorry for the long list, there are others things too but those are off the top of my head. I know that these things
It doesnt really matter to me if he is or isnt AS, it wont change my feelings for him, and if anything it helps me to understand some of his behaviour. My main aim is to improve the way we communicate, and I've found by adjusting the way I say things to him and being more direct it has helped a lot.
Thanks for all your help

 

[tapian]

Hi maggie. Would love to chat. My aspie bf also doesnt like to go out. I always have to twist his arm and do the planning. Extremely frustrating since I get cabin fever and am a very active person

 

[tapian]

OMG this is my bf to a T....except for the quiet spoken and independent part. He is very obnoxious and gives me headaches from rambling on or singing very loudly and obnoxiously.....he is anything but independent. Lives at his parents house and worships his mother. His parents dont live there but anyway yeah....this list sounds like we are almost dating the same person! would love to chat.....private message me if you would like to request or offer contact info...thanks

 

[Ste11aeres]

As an Aspie female here... I'm not dating, but here is how I might feel if I were.
I find it very hard and exhausting to talk to people unless I already know them very very well. So that might be why he doesn't want to meet your circle of people.
At my workplace, I learned to socialize because it was necessary. YOu saw him in a work environement, and he was probably doing the same thing. I don't like to do that in my personal life; I will make myself miserable for work, but want to be comfortable in my personal life.
If the guy I like and I started dating, I would want to be with just him, and not so much him and my family. This is hard to explain; I'm not sure why.
(a perfect wedding, in my mind, would not have my family present). Maybe it's because as an Aspie, I can only concentrate on one or two people at a time, preferably one, and I would want to give him my whole attention.
Having had negative social experiences, and usually feeling like an outsider (even when i try to blend in) I might emotionally associate crowds, and most socializing with bad experiences. Since my (currently imaginary) relationship with my boyfriend would be a good relationship, a good experience, I might be afraid that the negative parts of my relationships with family members, or the negative things about social stuff, would lessen the joy of this good relationship.
I wouldn't feel so much of a need for us to introduce each other to other people; that would take second place to spending time with each other.
He would be one of the few people I would actually enjoy spending time with, and, being an Aspie, I would be happiest with just him, feeling uncomfortable in a crowd of other people.

 

[JohnnyBravo]

As an Aspie female here... I'm not dating, but here is how I might feel if I were.
I find it very hard and exhausting to talk to people unless I already know them very very well. So that might be why he doesn't want to meet your circle of people.
At my workplace, I learned to socialize because it was necessary. YOu saw him in a work environement, and he was probably doing the same thing. I don't like to do that in my personal life; I will make myself miserable for work, but want to be comfortable in my personal life.
If the guy I like and I started dating, I would want to be with just him, and not so much him and my family. This is hard to explain; I'm not sure why.
(a perfect wedding, in my mind, would not have my family present). Maybe it's because as an Aspie, I can only concentrate on one or two people at a time, preferably one, and I would want to give him my whole attention.
Having had negative social experiences, and usually feeling like an outsider (even when i try to blend in) I might emotionally associate crowds, and most socializing with bad experiences. Since my (currently imaginary) relationship with my boyfriend would be a good relationship, a good experience, I might be afraid that the negative parts of my relationships with family members, or the negative things about social stuff, would lessen the joy of this good relationship.
I wouldn't feel so much of a need for us to introduce each other to other people; that would take second place to spending time with each other.
He would be one of the few people I would actually enjoy spending time with, and, being an Aspie, I would be happiest with just him, feeling uncomfortable in a crowd of other people.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel, I am a guy though. I would spent time with my ex and her family, but there was never a time I felt really comfortable in those situations. However I felt like I just had to suck it up to be with her; I always felt like I wasn't meeting up to social expectations though, and it made me feel bad. However the days when I was just alone with her were the best for me, I remember days where at the end of the day I couldn't recall a moment at which I had worried about 'being social' or what not. It just felt natural being around her after a while, I feel like I don't even really have that with my family I live in this house with. I miss that a lot.

 

[motormouse]

Hi, I'm an NT married to an aspie and I can definitely relate to what you've written here. We have many of the same friends but he's not very social. He won't invite them round and it's always up to me to make the effort. When we have people over for dinner or we go to a friends he's always a bit on edge but he always enjoys himself too and thanks me for organising it. Sometimes afterwards he might even ask "Was I alright" which he usually is but shows he's not always confident despite how he looks and behaves.

I used to get a bit upset that he wasn't affectionate with me in front of people and our friends as he is very affectionate when it's just us out to dinner or at home. I think this is because he knows I'm ok when we're out for friends and knows I love him but the others make him nervous so he is feeding all his attention on those people and making sure they are ok with him and he's not stepping out of social lines etc. It's quite the mental effort, especially for people he's not so comfortable with.

It could be that he's aware, on some level, of the effort of looking after you in a group situation as well as himself and this might be a bit much. Hope my ramble helps

 

[Meggie66]

Many thanks for all your replies. i will try to digest what you have said in the hope that I can learn from it. They make perfect sense when I see then written down like this xx

 

[sevenlights]

Hi Meggie, This my first post on the forums, Im 6 months into a relationship with my partner who has aspergers. When we started going out, we couldnt go anywhere on our own without his family at our side (sis, mum, dad brother in law you get the picture) I didnt find this strange but my friends did (he didnt want to get to know my friends, I dont have family)
after about 4 months we had to go out on our own one night because the family said they couldnt, this caused him some about of destress but i just went , it, and when we were out he said that we had had our first solo date since we began and how did I feel about that, I told him the truth that as I got on very well with his family it didt bother me either way! but now we spend more time solo and its great, his sister who is his protector, last week told me he has aspergers, i reacted like it was a disabliilty and told her he didnt have anything wrong with him but that she had lots it was said out of sheer bewilderment until i studied it online and now realise I shouldnt have reacted like that, the thingrais he is super intelligent he can build computers from scratch but can fold a shirt, but none ofis bothers me, what does bother me is the way in which I reacted when I first found out because of pure ignorance of the condition and now I am here I would like to know more, the things we have in common are that both our houses resemble recent break ins and we boths have day when we need space from everyone, we injoy walks together, he has some obessions (which I didnt realise they were until the sis pointed it out) but all in all we are fine, he wont socialise with my friends but it doesnt matter when he goes to his family i go to my friends and thats it..... the things that I noticed honestly were that he has to always eat the same food , in the same place but if thats all thats ok, is there anything further up the line for us?? can it work out, im reading some very negative stuff at the moment..... by the way he has yet to tell me he has the condition, should I bring it up or just carry on as we are happy? now htat me and the sis are no longer speaking, we fell out over her sticking her nose into everythign we do!!!

 

[Meggie66]

Hi sevenlights, i don't think anyone can predict if a relationship will or wont work out and that's nothing to do with him having AS. The good thing is you are now aware of it and may have to adjust the way you communicate with him. Without knowing your bf and you, its hard to advise if you should tell him you know about the AS. Part of me thinks you should wait for him to tell you, but if he,s anything like my ex bf he,ll be a very private person who can be secretive about things. He could also be worried about how you,ll react towards him and how you might judge him, so he might not tell you all.
The other part of me thinks you should tell him you know, but that's because i don't think there should be secrets between people in a relationship.
At the end of the day, he,s an individual who you love, he just happens to have AS

 

[Mary 1]

Again, many thanks for the replies and giving me a view of things as he might see them. I'm, pretty sure he's not leading a double life Smith but I can see how you might think that, given the information I've given. I'm in my 40's so not unversed in the art of relationships and I'm pretty sure I would sense if there was someone else on the scene. He spends most weekends with me and we speak every night if I dont see him (its usually him that makes the contact with me. His marriage broke up many years ago as she had an affair so he is very much against this type of thing and quite old fashioned in his ways. In the 8 years that I knew hm as a colleague I never once seen him "playing the field". Clearly I dont know for sure, and we can never predict what will happen in any relationship, but we've both discussed this subject and we have both stated that this would be the end of the relationship, even though we dont live together, and are not married.
I dont know for sure that he has it although we have talked about it, my reasons for suspecting AS are roughly as follows,

Communication difficulties in his past relationships (he told me this)
Slight OCD tendancies, likes to colour co-ordinate things, such as clothes pegs to washing, etc,
Likes routine likes to do shopping, car wash etc on certain days, will phone at the same time every night if I'm not with him
Hates being late and gets quite stressed and angry if others are late
Doesnt like visitors at his house unless he is expecting them and will pretend he's not at home if he doesnt know who it is
Has suffered depression and anxiety
Is quite clumsy and trips over things etc
Has an amazing memory for dates and other data, for instance if I asked when he first went on holiday abroad most (NT) people would reply with the rough age they were when they did that, he will give the exact year.
If he's stressed he counts things, for instance how many steps from the train station to his house and will then equate that to the distance
Stammers when nervous
Monotone voice (I find it quite sexy !!)
Quietly spoken
Sound sensitive
Hums to himself a lot
Closes down when he's stressed or depressed and wont communicate with anyone (not just me, this includes his friends )
Will shy away from any type of verbal conflict
Takes things very personally ie if something goes wrong he cant brush it off and feels like a failure
Has a very high IQ and is extremely intelligent, although can struggle with simple things such as painting walls in his house
Likes to be independant and wont ask for help from others (and isnt keen on accepting help even when he needs it)
Dislikes the feel of certain fabrics against his skin
Likes to stick to what he knows and reluctant to try new things
Can be paranoid at times
Can be self centred

Sorry for the long list, there are others things too but those are off the top of my head. I know that these things
It doesnt really matter to me if he is or isnt AS, it wont change my feelings for him, and if anything it helps me to understand some of his behaviour. My main aim is to improve the way we communicate, and I've found by adjusting the way I say things to him and being more direct it has helped a lot.
Thanks for all your help

 

[Mary 1]

Hi Maggie
I found your man very similar to mine. We were dating just over a month and the characteristics you described are completely mirrored of my man. Although the difference is that mine told me on our second date that he has AS. I accepted that. However, recently he shut down on me as he had "very bad cold" and stopped communication with me completely. This is shock to me as he always replied to my emails, answered my calls etc. Totally out of character I knew. However, he is going through a meltdown I think and I will wait patiently for him to contact me. I hope he will. Also, he suggested introducing me to his family, friends and I suggested meeting my friends, for which he was a bit vague. My point is each AS is different and you try to adjust to yours. I am not sure if we will continue our relationship. I love him dearly and he loves me too. I accepted that he is different and I try to learn a lot about AS. Not easy for NT but we have to try. That is the only thing we can do.
I hope this helps.

 

[Bella Pines]

In our working situation he was quite sociable, enjoyed (or seemed to) nights out. We no longer work together so I understand that he no longer wishes to join us on those nights out now.

"Seemed to" being the key. I have AS and I was sociable and hilarious, but it was a matter of necessity and not something I would choose to do. I did it because neurotypicals enjoy it and some actually need it. By not joining in I effectively isolate myself, scare them and severely limit my career. But we are not part of the herd, neither do we want to be.

He wont attend any other function, wedding, christenings, family party or even the offer of a quiet meal at a friends house with me

Why would he? They sound hellish. Going to a wedding of someone you hardly know, standing there and smiling for hours on end, what a complete waste of time. Even the quiet meal sounds pointless and uncomfortable.

although he will attend events and functions that are organised by his friends or family, but I dont get invited so he goes alone.

Then get yourself invited. He has AS, so simply say to him, "I would very much like to attend xx on Friday". If he says no, ask again then next time and so on.

I've tried to understand this and asked him if he can even try to explain the reason, but he either laughs (something he does when he cant think of what to say and is uncomfortable) or gives such a long winded confusing answer that I'm no further forward. He has never met and of my friends or family, and I've never met any of his.

You sound very much like my husband. But like I said to him, rather than saying "why won't I attend", try asking "why WOULD I attend". He couldn't give me a single good answer. Because people expect it? Because people you've never met and don't care about think less of you? My husband said that he wanted me to attend such events to make him happy. But I countered that if he truly cared about me, he wouldn't find happiness in my misery. Does that make sense?

 

[Mary 1]

Yes, it does make sense. Two people in relationhip should be flexible to each other needs and try their best to make it best for both. I understand what you said, all of it. If one person feel uncomfortable in suggested situation the ther should understand....that is my opinion. I think it is only fair.
I will ask him on Wednesday if he still would like to see me and talk to me. Fingers crossed he will.
Many thanks