hello, max here =)

[bbc-bananasplit]

hello everyone! nice to meet you =)) hope you are doing fine .. my name is max, 25 years old [architect, artist], from frankurt a. main in germany. i have recently been officially diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. i am very new to the forum and the spectrum; but i've done some reading already. i am very happy to join this community - it's a big step for me. i hope it will help me recover from my dire experience in life; and i hope very much that i can provide help and support to others.

i was suspecting ASD, since i had read about this condition by chance a few months ago. in the time following i reasearched the topic thoroughly. i was very eager to learn in detail about ASD for i was still in a situation of very impaired mental health, which seemed to be hopelessly incurable: anxiety/panic-disorder, severe depression, suicidal thoughts, loss of memory and identity and much more followed a total implosion-explosion in 2013. if anyone knows what the term 'false self' means - i am lucky to have had the strength of mind to survive this.

i had been in useless psychotherapy and taking tons of useless psychiatric medication for 3 years by then - it was horrific, since i felt doomed to stay that way forever. i am seemingly mr.-perfect-high-functioning on the outside - and i always have been even in worst state of mind. i had to keep myself more or lesse hidden most of my life - i was unable to act out in anyway; while on inside i was near to psychotic. i did not dare so say anything - as i suffered multiple psychological traumas throughout my life, which made me deny myself and my identity so much during childhood and youth, that i simply could not speak - for it would have meant that horrors i was trying to escape were real. well... i have overcome most of it by now. still, i am sort of nothing now. my whole life was lie, and illusion of something i never had. but that is becoming part of the past now. i do not have to hide anymore and hate myself for beeing 'wrong' - my life has taken its first positive turn, ever =) still, there is much sadness, and it will stay for it is a time lost forever. but then i want very much to provide some help and support to others, who may be in a similar situation, so that it may not turn out as bad.

 

[tree]

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Hello!

Yes, I too had a mental breakdown before I was told I was on the autism spectrum. 2015 was the worst year of my life. I went through hell.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

Things are better for me now and I receive help to expand myself and move on.

I've found having a peer group has been indispensable. It's given me a reason to get out of the house, facing my anxiety, meeting people who suffer with the same conditions I have, go on trips, laugh. It's just really helps and I can't praise mine enough.

 

[Nitro]

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

Hello!

Yes, I too had a mental breakdown before I was told I was on the autism spectrum. 2015 was the worst year of my life. I went through hell.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

Things are better for me now and I receive help to expand myself and move on.

I've found having a peer group has been indispensable. It's given me a reason to get out of the house, facing my anxiety, meeting people who suffer with the same conditions I have, go on trips, laugh. It's just really helps and I can't praise mine enough.

thanks to all of you for your welcoming words. i very much appreciate it. i quite agree with you: keep going -always, is the very motif of life; and it is this that keeps me going. i never ever give up. for i have dreamed all my life 'that one day i would become human and happy, too' - and i have set this as challenge that i am determined to win. but such things apply of course to all humanoids - i perceive as an important lesson to me that i learnt to expand my view onto others an their problems. one easily tends to direct ones anger and hatred - at least i did - for feeling bad at 'the typical neurotypical / eqv. everbody else except me', who in my imagination were having a blissful life of pure joy; leaving me to die by the roadside. that is not true; they have as many problems as spectrum folk just in different areas of life. still, we need more support. i must admit, i have been and still are by many means egocentric in the most extreme sense in my perception of the world. i can hardly imagine something else but myself, but i've been practicing and it has proven very helpful.

yet, it seems to me that there is hardly any asper/autistic who has not suffered or is suffering from mental health problems. i could be so easily solved, but it is not. i feel bad about this, i want that to change - it is so very unfair. no need to say that in most cases it is depreviation of essential and very human needs of the soul - of being understood, empathized, loved and liked, of being valued and of selfworth - that is cause to these problems.

and yes; having a peer group is most important - in the 3 years between my 16th and 19th birthday i have had the great luck - to my greates to surprize - to have found my way into a longlasting and faithful network of 10 to 20 friends, and i am still very good friends with these today. it is only that all of us have moved to many different places and cannot meet often - i have in the 6 years since then made only 2 sort-of-friends. i hope, that i can connect to others like-minded in this forum ... i am somewhat lonely and isolated. i am highly intellectual but i have not found a way to make it useful for others, yet. and then i am very productive, but i have nobody to share and show what i produce.

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

 

[Southern Discomfort]

it seems to me that there is hardly any asper/autistic who has not suffered or is suffering from mental health problems. i could be so easily solved, but it is not. i feel bad about this, i want that to change - it is so very unfair.

Between 11% and 84% of children with ASC has an anxiety disorder. And 30% of people with autism have OCD. I couldn't find the rate of those with ASC having depression but it is noted as one of the biggest comorbid conditions.

Other neurodiverse conditions like ADHD and Tourette's is also higher than the general population with Tourette's standing at a 6.5% chance compared to the 1% chance with neurotypical people.

Yes, screening needs to be more readily available and check ups with a person's mental health needs to happen. It is still not drilled into our government's heads that mental health needs to be supported properly and that it is costing them tens of millions each year.

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

Between 11% and 84% of children with ASC has an anxiety disorder. And 30% of people with autism have OCD. I couldn't find the rate of those with ASC having depression but it is noted as one of the biggest comorbid conditions.

Other neurodiverse conditions like ADHD and Tourette's is also higher than the general population with Tourette's standing at a 6.5% chance compared to the 1% chance with neurotypical people.

Yes, screening needs to be more readily available and check ups with a person's mental health needs to happen. It is still not drilled into our government's heads that mental health needs to be supported properly and that it is costing them tens of millions each year.

this is quite true. most mental health problems result from regulation-problems in empathy and self-worth; and aspergian and autistic systems are especially vulnerable in these - while having weak psychic defense. i even dare say, that 1. anxiety, 2. depression and 3. compulsive behaviour are only the the very tip of the pyramid of health issues. these 3 themes seem to be a natural consequence in the autistic mind in the non-autistic world; or a form of automated compensation - that is a reactive behaviour of the autistic system which system-requirements are not fulfilled or contradicted by the einvironment. i know that autistic people do not like to admit this [it is because of the [unnecessary] stigma that sticks to it] but from what i perceive by reading, observation and of my own life, i think it not uncommon for autistic beings to develop autistified variants of all kinds of personality disorders. but then: a personality disorder is not something to be ashamed of ! it is a natural reaction to influences a child or youth cannot cope with. i would say of myself that i have always been confronted with environmental factors, which i could not cope with + i was toxically shamed by my father for beeing unable to cope, instead of being supported. i admit that altough i have lived in aspergian emotional flatness, addictive interests and high moral values: i have a ton of personality disorders symptoms of various kinds - it is not a neurotypical-only issue, i think.

 

[SilencedShadows]

Greetings, just joined the other day and am enjoying this community, I hope you'll be happy to be here. Cool to know that you like art and architecture as well . nice to meet you

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

greetings =) thx for your kind words. and - nice to meet you, too! yes, i am very much in love with all kinds of art. i have lot of feelings to express...

i am slowly becoming somewhat human-like, i guess. finally. in pursuit of hapiness, so to say=)

it's great to hear, that you feel comfortable here. that means the forum fulfills its purpose =) i hope you will find many good experiences =)

 

[Warmheart]

Hi Max, and welcome.

 

[WittyAspie]

Welcome to the group. Your English is great. Most of the Germans I have met speak English, but I am surprised at your grammar. It's as good as most Americans.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

i think it not uncommon for autistic beings to develop autistified variants of all kinds of personality disorders.

Eh, perhaps. But that's a very, very grey area, as I'm sure you can imagine. That's a minefield for a doctor and individual alike to determine; where does one set of unusual behaviour stop and another one begins? How long is a piece of string?

Reactive behaviour is possible in autistic people of course. ABA is a tried and tested method of altering behaviour for one. Maladaptive behaviour is obviously possible when you've got a rating of 84% having a possible anxiety disorder.

I wonder if there are certain areas of maladaptive behaviour which would be covered by a personality disorder that can't really change an autistic characteristic for example, the impulsivity of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder in someone with autism who needs to plan out their days. A very complicated thought.

 

[Adder1234]

I can relate how you feel. Everyone I know see's me as the perfect goody-two-shoes, but I spend just about every day just barely holding myself together.

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

I can relate how you feel. Everyone I know see's me as the perfect goody-two-shoes, but I spend just about every day just barely holding myself together.

that sounds very familiar, indeed... like bits and pieces hastily taped together into something resembling the average humanoid and shouting at everybody

'hey, yeah i'm fine! TOTALLY fine! in case you haven't noticed, i am extremely average. needless to say, i always know what i'm doing. plus, i am having the best time of life. couldn't be better. HAHA. problems? me?! never! ' [ sometimes it is ^^ ...but most time it is =( with ! ]

what is more: half an hour ago i managed to escape from a wedding party i dutyfully attended displaying my teeth to people and talking gibberish - thankfully, i was 45 mins late and left two hours early. sadistically, tonight i am forced to return for continued torture. i then am to be brutally chained to a chair at the dinner table, cornered like a rat pretending to be cat - trapped with the drunk humanoids viciously gnawing away at me for hours on end - while i am making an idiot of myself and feeling lonely and disconnected

.. well, i try to have a laugh at myself now and then. my life is like the film-scene showing the titanic after it hit the iceberg, replayed in merciless repitition. it is a romanticized catastrophe, an artistically staged tragedy of big ideas and ill fate. there is also some classical music on the side.^^

being serious now: what is your strategy? i have not found anything, yet.. and i am very scared of when i have to support myself all by my own, which will be the case soon. [i still have a little financial support, now]. i do not know, how i will manage this... and this produces a lot of axienty. i'm really afraid, panicky 24/7 with hysterical meltdowns. other people would probably experience the same, if facing these problems, i guess... except that for most NT people the situation simply does not occur in the first place. in fact, many 'situations' never occur to them at all.

so.. i can very much relate to you in return. it isn't easy at all... i tell jokes while i'm crying. one spends one half of the time mending the broken parts, and spends the other half holding on to rest.

that is what it makes so hard living a normal life, and there is no thank you or praise for one's heroic bravery. either you cope - in which case nobody cares, or you don't cope - in which case you are left behind =/ it is like everbody else is doing fine, but for oneself to acomplish the same [seemingly] level of every day life it is much more effort - and one receives only little reward - or even criticism for being to slow or to quiet or ... or... there were times in my youth and well into adulthood when i behaved very hateful and nasty all the time. of course, like many aspie-youths, i was sad and depressed. i couldn't see a value in anything or anyone. of course everybody disliked me and made fun of me - of which i was oblivous - because of my helpless rages. i guess most aspies are familiar with some sort of similar experience.

whoever you were, whatever the issue was: if you asked me to do anything i hated you for even daring to ask. and i said so. i would not do it, since i always failed at any task and then got told of for being a failure, for not trying, for having a bad and lazy attitude - when in school, i wanted to get back home as soon as possible and hide away in my room by myself in quiet and peace. today i have serious problems with pathological demand avoidance in which i am sure to hold the world record.

 

[EstimatedProphet]

hello everyone! nice to meet you =)) hope you are doing fine .. my name is max, 25 years old [architect, artist], from frankurt a. main in germany. i have recently been officially diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. i am very new to the forum and the spectrum; but i've done some reading already. i am very happy to join this community - it's a big step for me. i hope it will help me recover from my dire experience in life; and i hope very much that i can provide help and support to others.

i was suspecting ASD, since i had read about this condition by chance a few months ago. in the time following i reasearched the topic thoroughly. i was very eager to learn in detail about ASD for i was still in a situation of very impaired mental health, which seemed to be hopelessly incurable: anxiety/panic-disorder, severe depression, suicidal thoughts, loss of memory and identity and much more followed a total implosion-explosion in 2013. if anyone knows what the term 'false self' means - i am lucky to have had the strength of mind to survive this.

i had been in useless psychotherapy and taking tons of useless psychiatric medication for 3 years by then - it was horrific, since i felt doomed to stay that way forever. i am seemingly mr.-perfect-high-functioning on the outside - and i always have been even in worst state of mind. i had to keep myself more or lesse hidden most of my life - i was unable to act out in anyway; while on inside i was near to psychotic. i did not dare so say anything - as i suffered multiple psychological traumas throughout my life, which made me deny myself and my identity so much during childhood and youth, that i simply could not speak - for it would have meant that horrors i was trying to escape were real. well... i have overcome most of it by now. still, i am sort of nothing now. my whole life was lie, and illusion of something i never had. but that is becoming part of the past now. i do not have to hide anymore and hate myself for beeing 'wrong' - my life has taken its first positive turn, ever =) still, there is much sadness, and it will stay for it is a time lost forever. but then i want very much to provide some help and support to others, who may be in a similar situation, so that it may not turn out as bad.

bbc-bananasplit: welcome. You've found the right place. There are many members of this online community, including myself, who could have written your story, word-for-word almost. As you said, we struggle to keep up with others, and despite so much effort continue to fall farther and farther behind. It breaks you eventually--like Southern Discomfort, I came apart mentally in 2015; like you, it all stayed inside me. The year between my breakdown and discovering Asperger's, I was essentially a well-mannered nihilist waiting to die so I could finally get some rest.

Before diagnosis--it wasn't ALL depression and misery, but even in the good times things were just.....incongruent. Knowing something isn't quite right, yet not knowing what or why, produces an anxiety that builds over time and to an awful climax. My heart breaks for the Aspies who never found this answer -- like my grandfather who died at 59 not knowing the name of his tormentor. Indeed, we're blessed beyond our comprehension.

Best of luck to you Sir.

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

bbc-bananasplit: welcome. You've found the right place. There are many members of this online community, including myself, who could have written your story, word-for-word almost. As you said, we struggle to keep up with others, and despite so much effort continue to fall farther and farther behind. It breaks you eventually--like Southern Discomfort, I came apart mentally in 2015; like you, it all stayed inside me. The year between my breakdown and discovering Asperger's, I was essentially a well-mannered nihilist waiting to die so I could finally get some rest.

Before diagnosis--it wasn't ALL depression and misery, but even in the good times things were just.....incongruent. Knowing something isn't quite right, yet not knowing what or why, produces an anxiety that builds over time and to an awful climax. My heart breaks for the Aspies who never found this answer -- like my grandfather who died at 59 not knowing the name of his tormentor. Indeed, we're blessed beyond our comprehension.

Best of luck to you Sir.

thank you very much for writing this. it is very touching. i can relate nearly in every detail, and i very much feel with you. indeed, it is really heart-breaking what ill and undeserved fate so many young people experience - they have done nothing wrong; they could be smiling and happy. but nobody loves them - and that is very cruel.