19maddie94
New Member
Thank you everyone.
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Autism doesn't really dictate personalities... He is just like everyone else in that regard, his own person. Autism (ASD 1 / Aspergers which I presume he has) only really affects social interaction and sensitivity to sound/light etc... But really, we're all just people. We can be horrible, we can be nice - it's separate from ASD.
If anything I'm probably like your boyfriend. I have some autistic traits and suffer from depression and anxiety - but at the same time I have a neurotypical partner of nearly 14 years. We moved in very quickly after meeting and while living with someone else was a challenge at times, I know I had to work for it, because I love him. Depression does distort my emotions and how things look a lot of the time and it can twist reality. From a depressed aspie's point of view, you going away on a request isn't a good idea. In a warped way it can signal that you won't fight for his well-being and will leave like the others did. Sometimes it's a struggle to fight against someone's mindset when they seem so convinced that they want to be alone... but there's a difference between wanting to be alone because they want peace and quiet to unwind and calm the brain or to wallow in their deeply troubled state. I know when I get very low I also push my boyfriend away, but he never leaves. I get angry, upset, irritated, but he stays and gets angry and upset with me, AT me, but that elevated emotion gets me to explode and release feelings and explain why I feel the way I do. He knows it's the only way for me to talk about it - we never, ever argue and have a very respectful relationship. It's just that he knows that for me - someone who cannot talk about how I feel, to push hard is the only way to make me feel better.
Oh and I forgot to say - I'm a very calm, quiet person and my partner sounds a little like you in a good way - but as a child he had a hyperactivity disorder and as an adult he can be spontaneous, energetic, sometimes a whirlwind of energy - which I'm not going to lie - can be exhausting for me! He works 9-5 so I have some peace and quiet, without that I'd probably go a little crazy!
I know not everyone is the same and it may very well not be the case for your boyfriend. All I can do, is offer my own experiences. Sorry if it wasn't helpful and I really hope you two work things out. x
Months without personal space and always around another person who demands my attention would make me suicidal. Not that I'd ever do that to myself.
Needing more then average time alone is a very common occurance among people on the spectrum. But it can occur also living in the same home. As in having different rooms you hang out, or even being in the same room but limiting interaction.
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Thank you, I honestly didn’t know that more time alone was needed. I suspected this but it is good to know it is common.
Needing more then average time alone is a very common occurance among people on the spectrum. But it can occur also living in the same home. As in having different rooms you hang out, or even being in the same room but limiting interaction.
This is actually very true, I understand what you’re saying. I didn’t think I mentioned it in my original message but we did just spent a 1,5 week holiday together, as in no one else but us.
Besides that he works later so that means that I am always home before him.
Your message made me actually feel really good about my decision to give him (and myself) some space.
Besides the giving space thing, do you have any insight on autism so I can learn to understand him better?
Your response helped millions! He is indeed a very lonely person to begin with so I understand that living together (especially with me) can be tough and he needs space, we live in a very very very small flat with no personal space. Also work has been crazy for him at the moment so he has no clue how to handle his work life, friend life and girlfriend life all together. He has been withholding from friend activity also which is a shame since he has amazing friends. I do love and appreciate he told me honestly that he doesn’t know what to do with this social bonds and is feeling very pressured to do activities with everyone and really needs to recharge his mental battery on his own.
Like you said, I’m scared he thinks I’m just willing to leave when he asks and that I’m not willing to put on a fight. I did write him a letter that I am here for him when he needs me and that I love him and that I am never giving up on him even though I’m not physically there.
Especially your insight with your boyfriend reminds me of us, it is good to know that you also feel as my boyfriend feels sometimes which is exhausted by me but that it can work.
You helped and I love to hear anyone’s story so I can see what works for us/him/me.
If you have more tips on autism and what I can do or need to understand I’d be very grateful.
So, first off al my boyfriend has autism and I have ADHD. While he wants to be on his own and do his work, I am literally running through the house beginning chores and projects and never ever finishing them.
We have a very good relationship but did start living together quite soon.
I noticed that now he has a drepession hes having some trouble with having a relationship. This depression he gets every once in a while ended most of his relationships before me.
To make things even better, I suffer from extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Resulting in me not being able to move for hours and imagine the worst possible outcomes of every little thing in life.
What my boyfriend asked of me scared the hell out of me; he asked me if I could give him some space and maybe stop living together for some time. (With autism you can imagine he did not tell me this in one sentence or at the right time or even look me in the eyes, nevertheless, I am happy he told me.)
(You probably can imagine my reaction right there and then.)
I am struggling to understand him and am questioning myself if I made the right choice to give him the space he needs and go to a hotel for 2 nights. After this I will be home for 2 nights and after that he decided, I may have told him to do this, to go on a 4 day trip to the country side to ground himself.
I really try to understand him (or my dad who also has autism) but do not always understand him. Also of course, having me around is a lot and takes much energy out of everyone to be fair.
I am not sure if I am contributing to the depression by giving him this much space or if I’m actually helping him. He doesn’t want to talk but I let him know that I am there for him if he wants to talk.