Guilt Management

[Trippy_Wonka]

Last night I was playing Stardew Valley with my girlfriend. We’ve been playing on her world for a while and she had it for years before I joined

We went to bed and I kinda did it abruptly because I had gotten sucked in so instead of signing off properly I just closed the laptop. What could go wrong?

About 20 days lapsed before the laptop finally went to sleep

Her baby aged up, and she missed the cut scene
She lost a heart with her wife
The timed quest she was working on Ginger island lapsed
She missed half of her favourite season

She has pretty bad fomo, and she’s been talking about how the novelty of the game had been wearing off, and now she just kinda feels lost. I fear I may have cost her her world

Worse still, she was lending me a super rare sword and when I logged on? Gone.

When I found that out I had a panic attack that she had to calm me down from

I’ve called my mom so I’m no longer in crisis but she herself recommended I post here for some support from my peers

Has this happened to anyone else? Were you able to fix it and go back? If you weren’t, what did you do? How can I help her get the enjoyment back? What can I do to make it better?

 

[Outdated]

What can I do to make it better?

Sometimes this isn't possible. These situations are life lessons. Some things can't be fixed when broken. Saying sorry isn't anywhere near as important as being able to tell her that you've learned a lesson and it's a mistake you'll never make again.

Trying to get back in to that game again would work for a lot of people but with some of us that would just keep bringing back memories of negative feelings. Perhaps try and entice her in to playing a new game, or make use of the fact that you're spending less time onscreen now and find a real life hobby you can both enjoy.

 

[jsilver256]

I mean... if missing game parts because the laptop took too long to sleep is the worst thing you've ever done as a person, your girlfriend should consider herself the luckiest woman out there.

 

[Rodafina]

@Trippy_Wonka

I understand you feel really badly about this and there's no doubt that this situation really sucks. But, keep things in perspective here. No one got hurt. You did not act maliciously. There was no significant financial loss.

We are allowed to make mistakes and screw up and accidentally do things that really annoy others. But that does not make us awful people and that does not take away from our worth in the world.

Remember that apologizing too profusely can get annoying and starts to serve you rather than the person you are apologizing, too. Find your resilience and your ability to accept your imperfections. I encourage you to forgive yourself and move on. Maybe you can use this opportunity to figure a new way to spend time with your gal.

 

[MNAus]

An autistic person who struggles with the feeling of negative emotions? You're very welcome to the club. AFAICT this is a pretty common problem with ASD: some of us feel negative emotions very keenly. I'm of the opinion that the vast majority of people who think they have "Highly Sensitive Person" syndrome are actually wrong. I think a lot of people think it's "oh yeah, I really felt ever so sorry for her, I couldn't stop thinking about how sad it was". Whereas my understanding of it (and I've said this before) is that it's like someone sticking a fire hydrant of the emotion into the back of our head a-la The Matrix. I also believe, with zero medical training, that the avoidance of this sort of awful sensation is what drives us to try to plan the future, avoid surprises, avoid change, etc. IMO we just feel discomfort, anxiety, sadness, regret, embarrassment, guilt, shame, etc. 'louder' than others.

If this sounds alien to you. My apologies. But if it rings a bell, I offer my approach. I'm learning a) to accept it and b) not to be embarrassed or stressed by it, because that can get you into "sorry, sorry, sorry" downward spirals. Once you accept it, it holds less power. Though i do tire of the weird looks as I leave the movie theatre with tears running down my face having watch some trite Disney trash with my youngest girl. They know how to punch the right buttons.

 

[AspieChris]

Has this happened to anyone else? Were you able to fix it and go back? If you weren’t, what did you do? How can I help her get the enjoyment back? What can I do to make it better?

I tried for decades to fix problems like yours. From the smallest thing to the largest. Some things just can’t be fixed.

Imagine all of the things you have learned how to do that help you ‘fit in’ with normal society. Pretending that you have let it go is just one more to learn. It’s a VERY difficult thing to do, and you should definitely not lie if she asks you about it, but you might need to “fake it till you make it”.

It never gets easy, but it does get easier

 

[Levitator]

Last night I was playing Stardew Valley with my girlfriend. We’ve been playing on her world for a while and she had it for years before I joined

We went to bed and I kinda did it abruptly because I had gotten sucked in so instead of signing off properly I just closed the laptop. What could go wrong?

About 20 days lapsed before the laptop finally went to sleep

Her baby aged up, and she missed the cut scene
She lost a heart with her wife
The timed quest she was working on Ginger island lapsed
She missed half of her favourite season

She has pretty bad fomo, and she’s been talking about how the novelty of the game had been wearing off, and now she just kinda feels lost. I fear I may have cost her her world

Worse still, she was lending me a super rare sword and when I logged on? Gone.

When I found that out I had a panic attack that she had to calm me down from

I’ve called my mom so I’m no longer in crisis but she herself recommended I post here for some support from my peers

Has this happened to anyone else? Were you able to fix it and go back? If you weren’t, what did you do? How can I help her get the enjoyment back? What can I do to make it better?

You just have to dust yourself off and get back in the game. Some things once lost can never be regained. Unless you learn debugging techniques and hack them back into the save file. Then, you can become a Stardew God and your life and relationships will be eternally perfect. Good luck.

 

[Seladon]

This sounds like a lost episode of The Vale (a compliment btw!)

Atm I've been grappling with pernicious feelings of guilt and accountability rising to the surface out of nowhere, about regrettable actions I took some 15 or several years ago. Shabby and distasteful but not illegal or amoral things. Wish they were as benign as OP's example, though.

Tbh I'm struggling with how to address them, and deciding whether or not it will help to talk about them on here or with someone in person, because though they won't get me in trouble or lose me everything, they do not paint me well and thinking about them make me feel even worse and more trapped in freeze/flight mode than I am already. My only regular consistent confidant is my sister, and at least one of my stories has to do with a family member still living, so. Hard to know what to do.

 

[AspieChris]

Has this happened to anyone else? Were you able to fix it and go back? If you weren’t, what did you do? How can I help her get the enjoyment back? What can I do to make it better?

I have a sort of PTSD because of these situations from my past. I re-live them periodically and it feels like it was last night, even though it was decades ago. I can even have a small panic attack sometimes.

It totally sucks.