Greetings from an NT with an AS spouse

[John Smith II]

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I found this forum. My partner of 20 years has Aspergers, although he hasn't been officially diagnosed. I had started to wonder if he was on the spectrum about 10 years ago, but never said anything. Then one day out of the blue, he filled out an online quiz about Aspergers. I'll never forget when he came out of his office and said "I just filled out this quiz and it says I have Aspergers!" I wasn't quite sure what to say, but it at least helped explain a lot.

Unlike a lot of stories I've read about people with Aspergers (is "Aspie" acceptable?), my partner is not mean, violent, or hurtful. He's just very, very introverted and has VERY specific, quirky interests that most people don't really care to hear much about. Like a lot of AS folks, he can tend to talk a lot about his interests and not get the clue that people are trying to move on. He's very, very uncomfortable with new things or spontaneity. I'm much more "Hey, look at this cool event! Let's go do that tonight".

I think I've done well in adjusting to the limitations of being in an NT/AS relationship, although at times it can be very difficult. I allow him his space and lots of time to focus on his interests. But sometimes I get really frustrated, particularly around the holidays. This year we were invited to quite a few holiday parties, all of which we went to. But sometimes he would stand in the corner and not speak, even when it was with his coworkers. I end up chatting with his coworkers and establishing more of a relationship than he does. So it can be a little awkward.

He's a sweet, caring man who would do anything for me. So I often find myself feeling guilty for the frustration I feel toward him at times.

Anyway, I guess that's a good start to an intro. Looking forward to seeing what I can learn in this forum.

 

[Nerdpride20950]

Howdy! Your partner sounds a lot like me in social settings! I have begun just standing with a group who are talking and listening. It looks like I'm participating, friendly, and engaged while still being less stressful for me (I don't have to try and keep the conversation going). My mother and sister were like you. They made me go out and be among people because it wasn't good for me to be alone all the time. They're the ones who suggested the 'stand and listen' way of engaging. Many times while I'm standing there, someone will ask me what I think. After I answer I can go back to listening, yet I've still been part of the conversation. Maybe you could suggest something like that to your partner.

Anyway, welcome to AspieCentral and I hope you enjoy yourself here. We rarely bite and never hard enough to break the skin!

 

[WittyAspie]

Welcome to AC.

Yes, Aspie is acceptable.

 

[WereBear]

Maybe you are getting hung up on him acting like everyone else, when he isn't like everyone else, and that makes him the person you love, after all.

He's going to the parties. You have your good time, and let him have his (provided, of course, he is having one.) Cultivate a spontaneous friend to go to those last minute things with, and try to enjoy more things you & your partner can do together if you don't feel there are enough of them.

He doesn't have to have the same kind of good time you are having.

 

[John Smith II]

Yes, you're right. I do get hung up on him not acting like everyone else. It's something I'm constantly working on, which is one reason I joined this site.

As you suggest, I do let him have a "good time" in his own way (although I can never really tell if he is). We went to a 5-hour progressive party (moving from one neighborhood home to another) last week. He left after 3 hours, and I was perfectly fine with that. I made it the entire 5-hour party, but even I thought that was a little much. I understand completely that even a 3-hour party is probably difficult for him.

So, we do manage and I put a lot of effort into letting him be who he is. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't frustrate me sometimes.

Maybe you are getting hung up on him acting like everyone else, when he isn't like everyone else, and that makes him the person you love, after all.

He's going to the parties. You have your good time, and let him have his (provided, of course, he is having one.) Cultivate a spontaneous friend to go to those last minute things with, and try to enjoy more things you & your partner can do together if you don't feel there are enough of them.

He doesn't have to have the same kind of good time you are having.