Emotional support

[Audreyj]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this because we only recently found out my boyfriend has a mild form of Asperger's. I always thought he just wasn't the type of guy- or because he didn't care enough about me to support me emotionally so it somehow feels like a relief to know he really can't help it. I'm trying my best to understand him and with help from a psychologist we're gonna try to find a way to make it work for the both of us.
Now although it's a relief and I do recognize a lot of what I'm reading and I'm starting to understand where he comes from, I also have a lot of questions and I was hoping someone here could help me out.
We started going to a psychologist (prior to the diagnose) because of relational problems due to an emotional affair he had with a coworker that had been going on for 3 years.
I've read the conversations and based on what I've read and because he got more distant towards me I felt he had simply fallen in love with this woman.
He however keeps on denying it as does his psychologist. She somehow can relate the conversations to Asperger's but I feel you can't blame everything on it.
I could make the story longer, because there is a lot to tell but I'll cut to the chase.
He hasn't supported me during my pregnancies, after having a miscarriage or any other major thing in my life. When I was 40 weeks pregnant my mom got really sick and the doctors said she wasn't gonna wake up, he never comforted me and left me alone crying for days. He did however took care of the practical side. The psychologist says it's hard for him to "read" what I need from him and when I need it but I've definitely said exactly what I needed, he never seemed to be able to give me that.
He only shows love by doing practical things for me and physically. No surprises, no compliments, only little attention.
All of this is what I've been reading about and because of his diagnoses it is explainable. (Correct me if I'm wrong).
Now back to the other woman. He left her thoughtful handmade surprises, complimented her often, asking how she's doing because she seemed sad. He did and say everything I would wanted to see and hear the past years.
He says he wasn't really sincere with this woman and he did these things because he wanted to make her feel good so in return he would feel validated. (Why didn't he want my validation?). His psychologist says he was "acting".

So the big question. Does this sound like something someone with Asperger's is capable of? Is it possible he's able to be emotionally available for some (fake or not) but not for everyone? I don't really understand it when the psychologist says he was basically faking it, why could he not fake it with me to make me feel better?
I'm sorry if this is the wrong place for this question and I know not everyone is the same but I'm desperate for some insight from people who understand Asperger's better.
Thanks!

 

[Raggamuffin]

Asperger's or not, that isn't the behaviour of a good person in my opinion. Sounds rather abusive to me. You could do better. Saying "he can't really help it" doesn't cut it at all. Being on the spectrum, if anything can you mean you feel emotions a lot more intensely than other people. It sounds to me like he simply doesn't care.

A 3 year affair is bad enough, but if they behave in a more intimate and thoughtful way with them and not with you whilst you were pregnant. Leaving you to suffer in silence etc. at a critical time of need?

Forgive me for being blunt, but why do you want to stay with this person?

Ed

 

[Sylas]

It certainly seems possible that he suffers from it and a diagnosis by a psychologist is certainly more valid than what anyone could say here but here's the thing, I don't think that's the issue with your relationship, the issue that I see is that according to what you're saying it appears he doesn't seem to have much of a meaningful attachment towards you.

Being on the spectrum could make it very difficult for him to pick up emotional clues on his own but if you truly told him openly and clearly and still nothing, I don't think that can be pinned down on the condition.

I think you should ask yourself, have you sensed genuine concern or care coming from him towards you?, this condition may make the expressions of that insufficient, awkward or even misguided but the impression that I'm getting is that there doesn't seem to be much of an attempt there at all.

His actions towards that co-worker are kind of the nail in the coffin for me. He's clearly more than capable of "masking" (a term I imagine you must be familiar with by now) his behavior when he felt it suited his needs, yours seemed entirely irrelevant.

To put it simply, the Aspergers diagnosis does not excuse, explain or justify what you're telling us, at least in my opinion. Suffering from such doesn't make someone inherently selfish or a sociopath, if he cared he would have tried after you made your needs clear even if the attempts may have been inadequate, the fact that he then went onto do the things you wanted out of him for someone else and his explanation was that he managed because he was personally getting something out of it makes me think the following are probably true:

-He may very well suffer from a case of Aspergers.

-He seems to be a fairly selfish person.

-He doesn't seem to specially care about you.

Sorry to say, from what you've told us I don't see a lot of future for the relationship.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

As somebody having gone through traumatic social isolation because of social and emotional immaturity at significant times, I learned to be social and nurture a loving relationship. For myself, my autism led me to be very committed to my partner and internalize that in my values. I have had platonic relationships in the past, as well as now, because I have grown to enjoy the company of people at times, and my spouse knows about these and is secure that she comes first. At times I have let my spouse down emotionally because of processing issues, but I can never violate my core values. And I will work to see that this does not recurr.

What I would point out is that many autistics have a strong internal compass, and some rigidity makes violating one's values very hard. People using autism as an excuse to act in the manner you describe have an internal compass that values their selfish ego and does not value your emotional well being and intimacy. It is not about you. You need to reassess and do not believe that this is about him being ND.

 

[Suzette]

I just pressed the big red buzzer to boot your boyfriend off the stage.

If any of his behavior, towards you or this other woman, were related to his autisim he would be treating you two the same. He isn't.

He is gaslighting you and using you! That is really all you need to understand.

 

[Streetwise]

It doesn't seem like someone neurodiverse ,it sounds like an arsehole (in the UK arse is just a non term for mild irritation,stupid,exhaustion as in I can't be arsed),neurodiverse people are very sensitive to emotions he's more like a narcissist personality

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I just pressed the big red buzzer to boot your boyfriend off the stage.

If any of his behavior, towards you or this other woman, were related to his autisim he would be treating you two the same. He isn't.

He is gaslighting you and using you! That is really all you need to understand.

am disturbed that the psychologist is not recognizing his ploy.

 

[watersprite]

am distubbed that the psychologist is not recognizing his ploy.

Yes.

 

[Flown]

Autism is not an excuse for abusive/manipulative behavior. Neurotype does not play a part in this.

Your boyfriend is displaying multiple red flags, and I would walk away from this relationship if I were you.

 

[Adora]

I don’t believe his Autism is making him treat you this way. The fact that he is able to show warmth and affection to this other woman and not you is very cruel and manipulative. He is excusing his crappy behaviour on being on the spectrum and I can tell you that those on the spectrum can be loving and empathetic and him telling you that he is unable to be that way with you yet he is able to be affectionate with someone else comes across as abusive and controlling and you deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect.

 

[Gerontius]

Hello, Audrey--And welcome to the Autism Forum.

This stuff your friend is doing isn't typical-of-Asperger's or typical-of-autism; it's typical-of-being-not-very-nice-as-a-human-being.

These pregnancies. I assume he is the father. Those then are your children and his, and he'd rather give nice things to someone else?

Unfaithful to you & if you do have kids then he won't be there for them either. This guy isn't much of a man--more of a mistake. Bail out while you can.

 

[Fino]

He is filled to the brim with BS. It's rather disgusting.