Email & online social etiquette?

[grapesicles]

Thought it would be a good idea to start a new thread for this rather than post again in current ones!

Non-face-to-face socialising is definitely easier, but there are still these 'unspoken rules' which can be a challenge to navigate. I made a new friend while I was on holiday who wrote down their email address on my phone - I sent a quick message a couple of days after, but just over a week later, no reply. No pingback, so I guess the email address exists. Thinking there could be a possibility they're just really busy/on holiday, or the message got sent to spam/forgot to reply. Might try again later this week, & send fun photos of things I've been up to since I got back - strange, as they seemed really enthusiastic to keep in touch. The email doesn't come up on search engines, but I've found a couple of their profiles by googling their email name split into words, town and place of work where we met at; though that would probably come off as stalker-ish and creepy?

Does anyone else struggle with similar problems of online etiquette, or is it not a problem for you? Do sites like Facebook and LinkedIn throw up whole other sets of conundrums? What's the most frustrating thing about online-only communication for you?

 

[King_Oni]

Online communication is odd in that there's no obligation to respond. Of course, it would be nice, but there's no real rule to it.

And I guess I'm sometimes guilty of this when I don't feel like responding right away (or at all), but the major one is probably that people just make it a guessing game to whether someone actually wants to deal with you at all anymore.

 

[Judge]

You have to consider that there is always one constant when it comes to etiquette, whatever it may involve.
That while some follow it, others don't. And still others "manuscript it" to their own liking.

Example: "I'll call you."

Meaning:

* They return your call promptly
* They eventually return your call at their convenience
* They consider this a twisted form of politeness, despite having no intention of calling back

Yes. It IS a guessing game as to when or whether they call at all. Business OR pleasure!

 

[AsheSkyler]

Emotion is my issue. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but if you ever see me use five or so emoticons in one post, don't think anything about it. I was a really emotie addict a few years back because I wanted to make it clear how I felt when I sent a message since I couldn't provide an expression myself.

Facebook I try to keep pretty private and personal. LinkedIn I'm much more relaxed, and I've tossed out invites to online art buddies and our acquaintances or those in our field. But the boundaries with them are pretty clear, it's okay to toss out invites and "network" since we're in a very odd kind of professional relationship and they all love to stick together.

I wouldn't worry if they didn't reply. Some folks are slow to check their email or have a whole bunch of stuff to sort through. Or they could be just plain forgetful, I once left a friend hanging by accident for ten days because I had somehow managed to overlook the only bolded/new message in my inbox. Not my proudest moment in correspondence.

 

[Judge]

As an Aspie I suspect many of us put much more stock into a positive social encounter of any kind than our NT counterparts do.

I know in my own case a positive social encounter doesn't present itself all that often...so when it does, yeah- it's a big deal to me.

And when it later turns out to be much about nothing, I still feel disappointment. Guilty as charged. I don't expect this to ever change for myself...

 

[grapesicles]

As an Aspie I suspect many of us put much more stock into a positive social encounter of any kind than our NT counterparts do.

I know in my own case a positive social encounter doesn't present itself all that often...so when it does, yeah- it's a big deal to me.

And when it later turns out to be much about nothing, I still feel disappointment. Guilty as charged. I don't expect this to ever change for myself...

Me too - I know when I'm often being irrational after these positive social interactions, but still do it anyway! Like when someone compliments my hair/eyeshadow, I think "I need to keep doing it this way FOREVER!". Even more nutty when someone says "we need to hang out" & I've already mentally prepared my outfit for the occasion before they finish their sentence, when they might not actually mean it.

 

[Judge]

Me too - I know when I'm often being irrational after these positive social interactions, but still do it anyway! Like when someone compliments my hair/eyeshadow, I think "I need to keep doing it this way FOREVER!". Even more nutty when someone says "we need to hang out" & I've already mentally prepared my outfit for the occasion before they finish their sentence, when they might not actually mean it.

Yup. In a nutshell, we take social disappointments hard. I guess it's simply who we are. Just another complex thing about being an Aspie. While we may shy away from being social, when we are we give it our all.

 

[Red Star]

People use different types of media for different reasons.
There are a lot of different media types, I don't know them all, but a lot.
I use email for anything - I have 3 (yes, I realise some people can barely manage 1) - first for business/work, second for personal and social, third for registering for stuff that will have an abundance of junk emails.
I use FB for general contacting and keeping in touch at least 3 times a week - social stuff as its a social media.
I have a linked-in for business/work - that is linked-in's primary function after all.
I have a mobile phone and texting can be ok - it gets used for all sorts.
I consider which is the most appropriate for a new contact and usually say that I may only check it 3 times a week - a bit random but it means if I'm busy, charging or away, I won't be missed too much and hopefully people won't get too upset if I don't answer within seconds - it can take me 10 minutes to send a dozen words on text - I dont have bionic fingers like some seem to.
If a new contact doesn't respond after a 3rd time within 3 weeks, for example, then I feel they have had a reasonable chance and that would possibly be the last time I contact them. I will hold no negative thought toward them in any way as every person has a choice and they have that option.
I appreciate that others may only have limited times for contact and may not respond within a short time.
Facebook, by the way, has a tendency to 'mess' with account settings and adjust what people can/can't see on their wall - be aware of this as it could be the reason several people may not have seen a post on your or their wall that you feel they should be responding to.
I have a lot of strangers on my FB - some are just for a couple of games, others are because they like some of my posts, a lot are 'just because they can' and enjoy having different people stuff popping up on their news feed - something I understand, I find a lot of interesting stuff because of it among the not so interesting stuff - I never complain about peoples posts as it is my choice to have them there - if they don't like it - ignore it and move along.
It may seem irrational that some people are 'enthusiastic' to stay in touch and then don't but when meeting people there is often a 'feel good' factor for everyone and enthusiasm can be a result of that as well as the lives people lead taking up their time.
people also change internet companies on a regular basis and often email addresses get lost either because of that or because it was a scrap of paper that's gone through the laundry- admit it - most have done that at some point.
I use the new contact plan above, most of the time and it seems to work reasonably well, I do have people that only contact 3 or 4 times in a whole year and I accept that- with almost 7 billion people in the world, they may have a lot of people to talk to in the course of a year. Don't feel that people don't care just because you haven't had a response - it isn't always the case. Move along and give your email address to a few more, add me too, if you want but remember I might not get right back to you!
You could try a 'special date' email - Christmas and Easter (I'm not religious but people seem to consider these more) - send out a generic email, text, message, FB, whatever, that wishes them a 'Happy Whatever-day-it-is', use the BCC if you're emailing then it won't look so spammy. Check your inbox up to 3 weeks later just in case anyone got back to you.
A point to remember with 'friendship' - at any one time, you will have 3 friendship circles - a very few close friends, quite a few friends and lots of acquaintances. Friendships circles evolve and change on a daily basis and these people will move around, meeting and leaving the different circles but the ratio of people will stay about the same, that's people!
If social is something really new to you or just as an experiment - try this - put names of people you know on small scraps of paper -add everyone from family to sales reps that you've spoken to in the last few days. Divide another sheet of paper into 3 sections - 'close-friends', 'just-friends' and 'acquaintances'. Place the names in the relevant boxes and then every couple of days or even once a week, check them to see if they should still be in that box. You might find that after a few weeks some of the names move up or down or even sideways, occasionally you might have some you aren't sure what to do with - where do you put a salesman acquaintance you were really chatty with that evening, four weeks later when you know you will never talk to him again, ever?
I'm still learning to accept all these things. Social isn't something I'm personally good at but I'm learning to understand it all better and practicing some ideas that seem logically ridiculous and yet necessary in the world.

 

[Mimo]

Online communication is odd in that there's no obligation to respond. Of course, it would be nice, but there's no real rule to it.

....

On the contrary, I always feel obligated to respond to everything, which is probably why I always get people getting upset at me if I put off getting back to them for whatever reason.

"Are you ignoring me? I thought we were friends!" type of reaction. It would definitely seem odd if someone who usually seems at the ready to politely listen to all of your problems and offer advice suddenly seemed distant or "too busy" (which as I understand is another term used in the guessing game). I want to help everyone I can, even if I *am* too busy... or I'm not particularly interested in becoming "friends" in the typical sense. I don't necessarily appreciate being asked how I'm doing and what I've been up to three times a day just because I helped someone understand their feelings. It's cold, but if I attempted to be "friends" with everyone I ever lent a hand to I would go crazy.

 

[Harrison]

Sometimes I'm not in the mood or have the time to respond. Problem then is I can forget that I haven't answered and the other person then feels offended. I do the same with answerphone messages, which gets me in trouble all the time.

 

[Myrtonos]

I don't understand what is or was going on here but speaking of the title of this thread, many, inculding posters on this site, associate email interaction with people they know personally.
Their are good reasons why you should start emailing others (with their consent, and in some cases, consent from spouses and family members) after you get to know them on a site like this.

 

[Keigan]

Did you ask any open ended questions in your email? Or just provide a status of your life and some pictures....

I wish people would respond to non-face-to-face communications more responsibly, though I can't allow it to impact me.

If this person does not respond, try to let it roll off as having no meaning.

 

[Thursday]

For people who I grew up with (such as childhood friends), I prefer face to face interaction over online ones for several reasons:

- I would have a better chance of gauging their mood, and therefore, are less likely to offend them with my ramblings
- We can do activities that do not require too much talking (watching a movie, archery, escape room sessions) and still bond
- I'm pretty good at smiling, and people respond positively to that in general
- Feels good to be able to be hands-on when helping them. Like, when a friend was ordering movie tickets, but the cashier was taking a while, I took charge and explained the situation to the cashier without getting angry. My friend was already fuming, but she was being too subtle and not getting results.

Basically, since I've known them nearly all my life, I've been able to adapt, to know which gesture means they're getting annoyed, losing interest, etc. I have a hard time in our group chat for that reason, but we have no other choice since some have moved far away.

For the most part, online interactions are more comfortable since I'd have enough time thinking about what to say. Outside these forums, I think most appreciate concise one-liners, for instance, so I keep my replies to those even though I have so many more ideas about what's being talked about.

TL;DR version: What confuses me is how, for online interaction, some place meaning on trivial things such as an exclamation point, a period, or if you write without punctuations at all; sentence case is too formal, lowercase is fine for casual conversations; smilies are ok, but not too much as it might signify you're too clingy or are into somebody; insert more subtleties and online rules here. I can't keep up.