DogwoodTree
Still here...
There are some things about myself that I like. I'm learning to have more compassion for myself, understanding that I'm doing the best I can and it's not fair to hold myself to standards I'm incapable of meeting. I try to take good care of myself, because I don't like the consequences when I make bad decisions. Is that love?
However, I don't have warm, fuzzy feelings toward myself. If I knew someone else just like me, I probably wouldn't want to be around them. Frankly, I don't think anyone else should want to be around me, and so I try to minimize their exposure to me, especially to the real me-ness under the surface. I'm trying to learn to be more authentic with people, but at the same time, I feel deeply ashamed of what they have to see of me. And so I'm stuck in a catch-22, where I feel dishonest if I'm not authentic, and I feel ashamed if I am authentic.
My therapist reminds me that I shouldn't choose for other people whether they want to be around me. If they say they want to be my friend, I should believe them. But then they still seem to greatly limit their contact with me. They rarely seek me out, even when I'm doing my share to try to build the relationship. And so I can only conclude they want to have a limited relationship with me. This seems to confirm that I'm not a particularly enjoyable person to be around.
So...I tolerate myself, because I'm stuck with me. At the same time, there's no one else I'd rather be. So I end up concluding that humanity in general is rather repulsive. And I feel badly about that because how can a person love God if I can't love God's creation? But I do want people to be successful and cared for, and I work in a serving profession of sorts, and I work hard to do right by people. So maybe that's love? I don't know. I don't feel warm, fuzzy feelings toward most people. Does that mean I don't love them? Perhaps sacrificial love...choosing to tolerate them and work for their betterment...is more loving than needing them to fulfill some kind of emotional emptiness in me. Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm having a hard time defining love.
However, I don't have warm, fuzzy feelings toward myself. If I knew someone else just like me, I probably wouldn't want to be around them. Frankly, I don't think anyone else should want to be around me, and so I try to minimize their exposure to me, especially to the real me-ness under the surface. I'm trying to learn to be more authentic with people, but at the same time, I feel deeply ashamed of what they have to see of me. And so I'm stuck in a catch-22, where I feel dishonest if I'm not authentic, and I feel ashamed if I am authentic.
My therapist reminds me that I shouldn't choose for other people whether they want to be around me. If they say they want to be my friend, I should believe them. But then they still seem to greatly limit their contact with me. They rarely seek me out, even when I'm doing my share to try to build the relationship. And so I can only conclude they want to have a limited relationship with me. This seems to confirm that I'm not a particularly enjoyable person to be around.
So...I tolerate myself, because I'm stuck with me. At the same time, there's no one else I'd rather be. So I end up concluding that humanity in general is rather repulsive. And I feel badly about that because how can a person love God if I can't love God's creation? But I do want people to be successful and cared for, and I work in a serving profession of sorts, and I work hard to do right by people. So maybe that's love? I don't know. I don't feel warm, fuzzy feelings toward most people. Does that mean I don't love them? Perhaps sacrificial love...choosing to tolerate them and work for their betterment...is more loving than needing them to fulfill some kind of emotional emptiness in me. Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm having a hard time defining love.