Divorcing - Can't Cope With Changes?

[FarmGirl]

Me and my ex have been together since we were kids, over 20 years ago. Married young, had a lot of children together. In our marriage, he always cheated around and it only got worse as time went on. I reached my breaking point a few years ago and we separated again. Through it all, I've been our children's sole caretaker and as we have been through so much together, we are close and have bonded moreso together. I have always been a homeschooling mother and have no intention of changing that just because their father walked out on us. I got a great job outside the home now and have the flexibility to still be with my children and homeschool.

But now my ex has a girlfriend and she is pushing all of these changes. She wants our divorce finalized and everyone to move on with their lives.

My problem is that I am not handling these changes well at all. At my ex's insistence years ago, I have the children with me all the time, save for each Saturday when they hang out with him before he brings them home that night. His girlfriend is telling him that he needs to see his kids more and out of nowhere, my ex is demanding more time with them. I talked to my therapist and she assures me that this is the biggest challenge women face in this scenario...to feel like you are losing your children to the other woman as she cooks and cleans for them and plays a mother role, while you are alone and without your children. I definitely have those feelings strongly x 100!!

How am I ever supposed to be okay with this? My oldest daughter asked my ex's girlfriend to take her on a walk around her neighborhood yesterday and I wanted to cry. Me and her have always had those special moments, and now I have to share my motherly duties and bonding times with her and with this other woman?? I have always taken great pride in being my children's mother and knowing that no one else was taking that place in their hearts and lives. I make them homemade foods and sew on their buttons and teach them everything about life and bond with each child, one on one.

What is wrong with me and how can I deal with these intense negative feelings?

 

[Suzanne]

There is nothing wrong with you at all, but I can appreciate why you would feel this way, as I am very prone to doing the same.

It is obvious that this woman is doing all she can to take over from you and so, the only thing you can do, is first: never trash your ex and his girlfriend. Always find something NICE to say about them and never allow your children to choose, but say things like: ok, have a great time. Try and work out when they are going to offer and then, do something that you know your daughter really enjoys and pretend, if you can, that you had no idea that they had planned everything.

You see, by nice to the girlfriend etc, hopefully she will find it hard to usurp your role as their mother.

Bad words, even when true, always make the one saying them, look bad.

 

[Judge]

As Suzanne suggest, "play it cool" pending how the court reviews it all in terms of a custody agreement. The court itself may not be particularly amused to find that decisions are being pushed on behalf of an unrelated party- a mere girlfriend. Who could up and leave at any moment without any legal considerations of her own.

I'd think just about any mother would be terribly upset by such a situation.

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest the girlfriend is just trying to encourage your ex to spend more time with his children which is a good thing - some new partners try to do the complete opposite and stop that contact.

Your eldest daughter is obviously comfortable with her if she has asked her to take her for a walk, that's a good thing - some step-parents can be pretty grim so they're lucky they have one trying to be nice.

As for the divorce, she may want to marry him, or at least feel as though he's not still connected to you in such a "romantic" way.

I don't think she's trying to take over, and she can't anyway - YOU are their Mum, and no one can take that away.

Perhaps sit with your ex and discuss how you're feeling, let him know it all feels a bit pushy and try and work together to make the transition more smooth for you all.

And as said above, never ever say bad things about either of them to the children - it will only make you the villain.

Good luck

 

[Judge]

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest the girlfriend is just trying to encourage your ex to spend more time with his children which is a good thing - some new partners try to do the complete opposite and stop that contact.

Could be. Point taken. Provided that is her real intent.

Yet I'd think it would also require her to retain a very passive perspective where the court may be involved. Otherwise her intentions may be interpreted in a more negative and manipulative light.

Personally I'd be infuriated at the prospect of any outsider trying to influence or change previously agreed to arrangements. But that's just my opinion.

 

[ksheehan88]

Could be. Point taken. Provided that is her real intent.

Yet I'd think it would also require her to retain a very passive perspective where the court may be involved. Otherwise her intentions may be interpreted in a more negative and manipulative light.

Personally I'd be infuriated at the prospect of any outsider trying to influence or change previously agreed to arrangements. But that's just my opinion.

Of course, she could have an ulterior motive... but as it stands from what has been said, it really does seem to me as though this girlfriend is just trying to be good to the kids, which is a good thing in my eyes, especially if she is potentially going to be a part of their lives forever.

IMO, FarmGirl, I don't think it would hurt to give her a chance. Your ex wants more time with them, and that can only be a good thing for them.

Talk with your ex and maybe ask that these changes are done slowly, so you have a chance to adapt to it.

I understand you are hurting and I am sorry you are going through this

 

[midlife aspie]

Don't forget that the only other person with parental rights is your ex. Any legal negotiations should not involve his girlfriend. You can also look at things from another perspective: You say he was adulterous in your marriage; unless he has made some serious behavior adjustments or he and his partner have an agreed upon open relationship, it may be likely that she will be the next 'victim' as soon as the novelty of the relationship wears off for him. If this comes to pass, she may not be around very long.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

I don't know how you'd stand legally as I'm English, and as for managing the situation on a personal level, all of the above have made valid points. I'm not sure if I'd trust your ex's girlfriend, but I've never met her, so she could be genuine, I don't know. But Midlife Aspie does have a point about his infidelity though; the relationship might not last very long.
As for getting divorced, it sounds scary, but it could come as a relief. I'm not one for advocating divorce normally, but you and your ex have been living apart for some years, and he's a serial adulterer, so it is justified in this instance. At the moment, you're in limbo - married, but not having a marriage. Even if you're not interested in re-marrying, now or ever, at least you'll know where you stand if you end your marriage officially.
If you feel your ex's girlfriend is pushing too far, i.e. trying to get full custody of your children, then you really do have a problem. Unfortunately, for the reason mentioned above, I don't know where you should go from here, but your solicitor should be able to advise you on that.

 

[FarmGirl]

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest the girlfriend is just trying to encourage your ex to spend more time with his children which is a good thing - some new partners try to do the complete opposite and stop that contact.

Your eldest daughter is obviously comfortable with her if she has asked her to take her for a walk, that's a good thing - some step-parents can be pretty grim so they're lucky they have one trying to be nice.

As for the divorce, she may want to marry him, or at least feel as though he's not still connected to you in such a "romantic" way.

I don't think she's trying to take over, and she can't anyway - YOU are their Mum, and no one can take that away.

Perhaps sit with your ex and discuss how you're feeling, let him know it all feels a bit pushy and try and work together to make the transition more smooth for you all.

And as said above, never ever say bad things about either of them to the children - it will only make you the villain.

Good luck

I will agree that she is trying to get my ex to be a better father to our babies. Now I am just not sure what all of her reasons are for doing that. I know that her own ex is being a lousy dad to their 2 kids and she sure doesn't want my ex to be anything like that. I also wonder if she thinks they get my kids more, if that means they won't have to pay out as much child support to me??

She's definitely as bossy as they come. Some of my children refuse to go to her house because of it. "She is SO annoying, mom!" I firmly believe that when all my children are at her house, that she does take over bossing everyone, including my ex, from what I hear.

I have arranged a meeting with my ex where we can discuss all of this peaceably over coffee. That is the hope.

 

[FarmGirl]

Don't forget that the only other person with parental rights is your ex. Any legal negotiations should not involve his girlfriend. You can also look at things from another perspective: You say he was adulterous in your marriage; unless he has made some serious behavior adjustments or he and his partner have an agreed upon open relationship, it may be likely that she will be the next 'victim' as soon as the novelty of the relationship wears off for him. If this comes to pass, she may not be around very long.

While this is true, it's also true that she clearly will influence my ex's decisions in this mess. Unfortunately. :-/

And I'm shocked that they've lasted this long. That's another reason I don't want my kids getting close to her. Chances are good that she will be gone sooner rather than later.

 

[FarmGirl]

I don't know how you'd stand legally as I'm English, and as for managing the situation on a personal level, all of the above have made valid points. I'm not sure if I'd trust your ex's girlfriend, but I've never met her, so she could be genuine, I don't know. But Midlife Aspie does have a point about his infidelity though; the relationship might not last very long.
As for getting divorced, it sounds scary, but it could come as a relief. I'm not one for advocating divorce normally, but you and your ex have been living apart for some years, and he's a serial adulterer, so it is justified in this instance. At the moment, you're in limbo - married, but not free. Even if you're not interested in re-marrying, now or ever, at least you'll know where you stand if you end your marriage officially.
If you feel your ex's girlfriend is pushing too far, i.e. trying to get full custody of your children, then you really do have a problem. Unfortunately, for the reason mentioned above, I don't know where you should go from here, but your solicitor should be able to advise you on that.

Yes, in a way, it would be a relief. But on a much bigger scale, I was not ready at all to have to make all these huge life changing decisions and so quickly. And at the holidays. Ugh.

 

[FarmGirl]

Okay, here's where I am struggling so bad. If our schedules change drastically and I'm forced to let him have all of our children for an entire weekend, how do I cope? What in the crap do I do with my time? How do I stop crying because I'm not allowed to be there for my children, tuck them into bed, do our regular routines, take care of them when they need their mother's touch. Etc. Not only that, but to think that another woman is taking my place in doing ALL of these many things for my children and I'm back home sitting in our big farmhouse all alone. My children are my life and I love them to death, in case no one could tell.

You guys can't know all the history I've had with my ex, suffice it to say that I am haunted by his cold words "I never wanted all the kids anyways..." and "All of this was your dream, not so much mine." Yes, these things were spoken by him years after the fact, many children later. It's like a completely different person has emerged and I've been trying to cope with that, in and of itself is a monumental task. Not to mention also how he's always told me adamantly that he never wanted any extra time with the children, how that was 'my thing', I homeschool them, etc. He's always intentionally kept his time with them so short. To this day, any time he does have the kids, he puts each one in front of a screen for hours and hours. Neglectful parenting. Makes my blood boil.

 

[midlife aspie]

You do have the right to a life of your own beyond being a parent. From what you say, I would be inclined to think he was possibly using you for 'certain purposes' all along. I think you are probably lucky to be rid of him. If I were you, I would be looking into what the state statutes for child support and maintenance are, and hitting him with a huge reality check as to his financial obligations. You deserve better than what you got and are presently getting. Also, if he is fool enough to marry his current partner, her income becomes his income and you may be able hit them with a child support modification order. He would do well to act nice to you from here out, as these things can be powerful weapons in your arsenal.

 

[Judge]

She's definitely as bossy as they come. Some of my children refuse to go to her house because of it. "She is SO annoying, mom!" I firmly believe that when all my children are at her house, that she does take over bossing everyone, including my ex, from what I hear.

You see, this is what doesn't resonate well about the girlfriend. At such a sensitive and vulnerable time for the children, you'd think she would relate more to them as a truly caring person with maternal instincts. Not a control freak.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

I know it's none of my business, but I wonder what your ex sees in this woman as she's evidently a control freak - it sounds as though he's fallen victim to her control freakery! Although she may genuinely mean well, she will not make a good stepmother to your children in the event of her and your ex getting full custody. You need to discuss this with your ex and point this out to him. Tenacity may not be his strong point, but in this instance, he really does need to get out of the relationship, or he'll be henpecked.
In the meantime, if you do find yourself with extra time on your hands, have some "Me" time. Spoil yourself with something you like doing and don't have much time to do - it could be reading, watching a film, pampering yourself, going out somewhere, whatever. Look after yourself, you'll be in a better position to cope with whatever lies ahead if your stress levels are down as far as they will go.

 

[midlife aspie]

I really think that a wait and see attitude is in order. His long-term behavior will be interesting to see. I wonder if she is aware of his indiscretions in the marriage? I'll wager her perspective is based on faulty input. I know for my part that I would be loath to get seriously involved with a serial cheater, for fear of being cheated on. Such folk are best suited for open relationships in my opinion.

 

[WereBear]

As their mother, the best thing you can do for your children is help them negotiate life with their father.

They are trying to please him, struggle to cope, and try to get a good fathering experience out of him. This is always a challenge in the divorce, but is even more of one when it was character issues which led to the break-up.

From my own experience, and those who also dealt with this, you have to be the Better Person, always, and a source of support and (perhaps explanation) as your children learn to deal with this side of their family.

I urge you to:

• document every interaction for future reference, especially if the children don't want to do something
• particularly note broken agreements, whether with you or the children, as the courts frown on such
• nail down a separation agreement (if one hasn't happened yet) that will lay out your rights and the children's rights

It's wonderful that you are such an involved mother, and I can tell you really care about the children. Support them and stand up for them, as always, and this will be just another mothering challenge.

Speaking of which, you can look on the bright side and take some time for yourself if it does come your way with these new developments. No matter how young the children are, they all grow up and forge their own lives; that is the whole point! So practice now about being the fascinating, vibrant, and developing person they will need their whole lives.

 

[watersprite]

Get a lawyer. Demand, through your laywer - a court-ordered an evaluation done by a psychiatrist to find what is best for the children. It is done all the time, is a bit stressful but .... really does find what is best for the kids. It is their lives that are at stake here.

Having said that, I hope you find peace.

 

[Jim]

Divorce sucks. Having another play a portion of the role you played is almost unendurable. I get it. In the same boat. The fact is that you will always be the parent.

So, what has worked for me is to not look to the kids for affirmation of my own worth. Take that as a given. Do not look to the new partner of your ex as a threat to you; it is a help to your ex.

The custody battle with your ex is some painful crap. No doubt. If it shakes out that he gets more time, roll with it as best you can. You will still be their mother. You will still love them. They will still love you.

Your new free time? Hell, go running, take a class, rake the leaves, exercise, something to channel that energy into something useful.

Be happy an confident with yourself. That is the surest way to the respect of others, including our children.

It sucks. It will not always feel good. You will get past this, no matter what. How you get past this is your choice. I suggest you win.

 

[Suzanne]

Okay, here's where I am struggling so bad. If our schedules change drastically and I'm forced to let him have all of our children for an entire weekend, how do I cope? What in the crap do I do with my time? How do I stop crying because I'm not allowed to be there for my children, tuck them into bed, do our regular routines, take care of them when they need their mother's touch. Etc. Not only that, but to think that another woman is taking my place in doing ALL of these many things for my children and I'm back home sitting in our big farmhouse all alone. My children are my life and I love them to death, in case no one could tell.

You guys can't know all the history I've had with my ex, suffice it to say that I am haunted by his cold words "I never wanted all the kids anyways..." and "All of this was your dream, not so much mine." Yes, these things were spoken by him years after the fact, many children later. It's like a completely different person has emerged and I've been trying to cope with that, in and of itself is a monumental task. Not to mention also how he's always told me adamantly that he never wanted any extra time with the children, how that was 'my thing', I homeschool them, etc. He's always intentionally kept his time with them so short. To this day, any time he does have the kids, he puts each one in front of a screen for hours and hours. Neglectful parenting. Makes my blood boil.

Personally, how I see it, is that he is being awarded for being a PIG and that is mild to what is in my head! I simply HATE injustice of any kind and my heart truly goes out to you.

I am not a mother, but I can imagine what it feels like for you; having your life snatched away, by a man who doesn't care a hoot, is dispicable in my eyes, but sadly, knowing human nature as I do and having been there with childhood issues, I have learned that the best way is to be nice as pie and allow the evilness to come from then and you will be the winner and you have to also trust your children that they know who loves them dearly. Children usually do see the facts.

I am hurting for you!