Dating relationship help with autism

[WVV]

My 26 year old boyfriend has autism and we grew up together and know each other very well. We had been together for eight months after we both lost a parent weeks apart from cancer. His family seemed ok with us wanting to date. Well his mom who is self serving decides to separate us which sent me spiraling into multiple nervous break downs. In 2023 he reached out to me and told me he is all in with the relationship and wants it to work. Well his mom separated us again after a year of being together and now she is saying I have no future to offer him and that the statement that her son said is not true. How do I fight this or find a solution to this problem so my boyfriend and I can go on our first date. FyI we are both considered disabled!!!

 

[tree]

How does she separate the two of you?

 

[WVV]

How does she separate the two of you?

She will not let me see him or talk to him at all. She sent me these texts…Just please don't be in contact with Will. I want it stopped immediately. I'm sorry but that's not possible. Any contact will only increase those feelings, plus he'll never be able to act on those feelings due to distance and ability to support or care for you, as should a person in a relationship. I'd love to end this relationship parting on good terms but whatever it takes to protect him, I will do. Thats what his mom says!!!

 

[Hypnalis]

@WVV

You need to add a lot of information before this will make sense.
Note that this isn't a demand - of course you also have a right to privacy.

But you're asking a lot.

If you want someone who has some relevant capability to help you blow up the relationship between a mother and her son, you need to make a convincing case that it's the best outcome.

Start with what the male "participant" can do to take care of themselves long-term.
It won't provide a complete picture, but it's a good starting point.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Seems to me there's a bit more going on here. You claim his mom is "self-serving". Clearly supporting an adult child is a bit of a burden, on one hand, but is he that disabled that he cannot obtain support from social services and get his own apartment, pay rent, take care of himself, get a part-time job, shop for himself, etc.? Is she truly protecting him or is it that she feels that she will "lose him" or the control over him if you two are together? Is she receiving money from social services for taking care of him? In other words, is he a "meal ticket" for her?

I'm just trying to understand the facts here.

 

[tree]

@WVV

You each live with your parents?
And at some distance from each other?

She is assuming that he won't be able to support you or care for you.
Does he have no income, of any sort?
Do you?

 

[WVV]

She will not let me see him or talk to him at all. She sent me these texts…Just please don't be in contact with Will. I want it stopped immediately. I'm sorry but that's not possible. Any contact will only increase those feelings, plus he'll never be able to act on those feelings due to distance and ability to support or care for you, as should a person in a relationship. I'd love to end this relationship parting on good terms but whatever it takes to protect him, I will do. Thats what his mom says!!!

Ok i will start from the beginning. It all started in the year of 2021. His dad died a week before my mom died and they both had cancer. His parents were best friends with mine. Our parents met each other through adoption. Anyway after my mom passed I started hanging out with his family going places doing things. His mom wanted me to watch her kids so she could go out and play at age 72. So I did. We started thinking about dating each other. So we told his mom about it and she said that she would be ok with it as long as my dad was. So we went to my house and asked my dad about it. He said it was ok with him and well Will’s mom took it as a no. Well she dropped me back off at my dads house and never heard back from her. Well Will and I continued talking and I told his mom that all i wanted was what was best for son and she took it as i broke up with him. After that will started sending me inappropriate pics and told his mom that I said i would break up with him if he did not send them. Thats not true but I let his mom believing that it was and took full blame for it all. So she separated us. Then in october 2023 will texts me out of the blue wanting to make the relationship work and to let me know that he never broke things off. Well in dec we met each other at the movie theater bc he was there with his siblings and well his mom found out about it and thats where she ended up separating us again after we had been together for a year altogether!!! So then I asked her if we could sit down and work something out thats a win win for everybody and thats when she sent me that first text saying sorry not possible. Well then in march of this month I asked her what her concerns were for why she didnt want us together and she said i didnt have a future to offer him. Keep in kind that we both are considered disabled!!

 

[WVV]

Seems to me there's a bit more going on here. You claim his mom is "self-serving". Clearly supporting an adult child is a bit of a burden, on one hand, but is he that disabled that he cannot obtain support from social services and get his own apartment, pay rent, take care of himself, get a part-time job, shop for himself, etc.? Is she truly protecting him or is it that she feels that she will "lose him" or the control over him if you two are together? Is she receiving money from social services for taking care of him? In other words, is he a "meal ticket" for her?

I'm just trying to understand the facts here.

Well let me tell you that she has been looking for someone else to take care of him bc she doesnt want to deal with him. He wants to be independent but she will not show or teach him how. So i think its a control and manipulation tactic she wants him to wait on her hand and foot.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have seen parents attempting to infantalize their children. That is a disservice to both of them. If he has ASD-1, then he may be quite capable of more than his parent may think. Part of growth is gaining your own autonomy and agency to think and do for yourself. Your history together indicates that there is care between you and him and I hope that you are up for the project that he may be in learning to grow. I find it sad that his mother interferes as you describe and I fear that it will lead to your frustration and sadness while keeping him from a maturity that he needs to function.

While I did not know I was autistic at the time, when I entered into the relationship with my future spouse, it represented an inflection point for significant growth in my life and was a final step in my social and emotional maturity.

 

[WVV]

@WVV

You each live with your parents?
And at some distance from each other?

She is assuming that he won't be able to support you or care for you.
Does he have no income, of any sort?
Do you?

Yes we do. We have social security income and a bank account and debit card. We both have medical insurance as well. We do not drive but Im in the process of getting a permit again and hopefully go for drivers license. Will’s older brother was gonna teach him how to drive but now he says his mom said he cannot get his license bc if he does he will lose is sociol security income. Im also in the process of saving up money to get an apartment. Will’s mom has complete control over his money and finances and what she says goes and if he goes against her then she calls the cops on him.

 

[WVV]

@WVV

You each live with your parents?
And at some distance from each other?

She is assuming that he won't be able to support you or care for you.
Does he have no income, of any sort?
Do you?

@WVV

You need to add a lot of information before this will make sense.
Note that this isn't a demand - of course you also have a right to privacy.

But you're asking a lot.

If you want someone who has some relevant capability to help you blow up the relationship between a mother and her son, you need to make a convincing case that it's the best outcome.

Start with what the male "participant" can do to take care of themselves long-term.
It won't provide a complete picture, but it's a good starting point.

He can take care of himself with basic chores hygiene. He can do physical work as well like chopping wood for the fire place, and he can pay for meals and does grocery shopping. He stays in his own camper that mommy bought for him and it sits in va on his brothers farm bc his brother only has a one bedroom house. I do not know if he can cook meals that involve with using a stove or oven bc he is not allowed to use those. He does have a reading disability as well. He can function on more difficult tasks but with help. He could probably do more but i never got to be around him much to see it first hand. This is all i have for right now. He is very intelligent and good with math and money management. He is high functioning for having autism if this helps. What i mean by money management he gets money and instead of spending it as soon as he gets it he decides to save it all up. He is very picky on what he wants to spend his money on!!!

 

[WVV]

He can take care of himself with basic chores hygiene. He can do physical work as well like chopping wood for the fire place, and he can pay for meals and does grocery shopping. He stays in his own camper that mommy bought for him and it sits in va on his brothers farm bc his brother only has a one bedroom house. I do not know if he can cook meals that involve with using a stove or oven bc he is not allowed to use those. He does have a reading disability as well. He can function on more difficult tasks but with help. He could probably do more but i never got to be around him much to see it first hand. This is all i have for right now. He is very intelligent and good with math and money management. He is high functioning for having autism if this helps.

He is capable of a lot more things he just doesnt have that right resources and help that he needs to get there and i would love to help him get there!! I do know that he is on the level 2-3 spectrum of autism what ever that means!!!

 

[Levitator]

It's really sweet of you to make this effort and show concern. I've entirely given up on dating "normal" people, and it is so much more rewarding to place your effort where it counts; with someone in need, where you are welcome and wanted.

 

[WVV]

It's really sweet of you to make this effort and show concern. I've entirely given up on dating "normal" people, and it is so much more rewarding to place your effort where it counts; with someone in need, where you are welcome and wanted.

Thank you so much!! I just wish the guys mom knew it and knew that my love and feelings for her youngest son are real and in the best interest for her son!! I want her son to have everything and so much more. I do not want to be in his way if im not the right person for him. I just want him healthy, happy, and to see him suceed!!! I just wish his mom could see that instead of blaming me for the problems!!!

 

[Hypnalis]

There's motivation to act here, and some room to do so. It's too soon to see what's possible, but the initial steps are the same whether nothing comes out of this or whether you move towards your goal.

Step one is to collect information.

Your objective requires that you, at least for a time, maintain a degree of secrecy. And since you need secrecy, it has to be the first thing you prepare for and you have to work at it (very few people can actually keep their mouths shut without having previously practiced it).

First - don't share any information about this with Will yet. No facts, not even that you've posted here. Not that you have a secret (that's a giveaway in itself). Not that you're looking at options for the two of you to get together again. Not that you're more optimistic for the future. Nothing.
If you can handle it, keep describing your mutual situation as you have been for the last few weeks.

Second - don't talk to anyone else either. Almost everyone prefers gossip to respect for other people's secrets. The usual pretense is that "you can't tell anyone else but I heard .....". which has the same effect as using Facebook /lol.

Is it possible for you to e.g. use your PC and/or phone completely privately?
Do you have an anonymous email address? Do you have access to a moderately anonymous PC (like in a library or something similar - ideally in a different part of town, or a different town) ?

Do you have your own support person as part of what you get from the Government?

Note: Remember we're just strangers on the internet. To the extent I try to help, it's "without any strings or conditions attached". But if you you don't do these necessary incidental things - currently limited to keeping all the information secure - I'll politely disengage.

 

[Rodafina]

We started thinking about dating each other. So we told his mom about it and she said that she would be ok with it as long as my dad was. So we went to my house and asked my dad about it.

@WVV, it sounds like you began this relationship with considerable input from your respective parents, and so it makes some sense that Will's mother expects to have a say in the ongoing relationship.

He said it was ok with him and well Will’s mom took it as a no. Well she dropped me back off at my dads house and never heard back from her. Well Will and I continued talking and I told his mom that all i wanted was what was best for son and she took it as i broke up with him.

It sounds like there is a good amount of miscommunication here and that will make everything more difficult. Will's mother is understanding the relationship differently than you are. What you've written above makes it sound like everyone is confused about what is actually going on.

After that will started sending me inappropriate pics and told his mom that I said i would break up with him if he did not send them. Thats not true but I let his mom believing that it was and took full blame for it all. So she separated us.

One way to interpret what you've written here is that she was feeling protective of Will because she thinks that you did something that you did not. If she is Will's guardian, it would be her job to protect him against people who are soliciting inappropriate pictures from him through manipulation. You have clearly stated that you have not done this, but it sounds like she doesn't know that.

I don't have nearly enough information to take sides here, I'm just trying to explain how her actions seem understandable in some ways even though, unfortunately, her choices seem to be based on misunderstandings and misinformation from what you've shared here.

---

You haven't talked much about what Will wants and what he says about this whole situation.

 

[Levitator]

Thank you so much!! I just wish the guys mom knew it and knew that my love and feelings for her youngest son are real and in the best interest for her son!! I want her son to have everything and so much more. I do not want to be in his way if im not the right person for him. I just want him healthy, happy, and to see him suceed!!! I just wish his mom could see that instead of blaming me for the problems!!!

What you just said sounds like something she might benefit from hearing.

 

[WVV]

There's motivation to act here, and some room to do so. It's too soon to see what's possible, but the initial steps are the same whether nothing comes out of this or whether you move towards your goal.

Step one is to collect information.

Your objective requires that you, at least for a time, maintain a degree of secrecy. And since you need secrecy, it has to be the first thing you prepare for and you have to work at it (very few people can actually keep their mouths shut without having previously practiced it).

First - don't share any information about this with Will yet. No facts, not even that you've posted here. Not that you have a secret (that's a giveaway in itself). Not that you're looking at options for the two of you to get together again. Not that you're more optimistic for the future. Nothing.
If you can handle it, keep describing your mutual situation as you have been for the last few weeks.

Second - don't talk to anyone else either. Almost everyone prefers gossip to respect for other people's secrets. The usual pretense is that "you can't tell anyone else but I heard .....". which has the same effect as using Facebook /lol.

Is it possible for you to e.g. use your PC and/or phone completely privately?
Do you have an anonymous email address? Do you have access to a moderately anonymous PC (like in a library or something similar - ideally in a different part of town, or a different town) ?

Do you have your own support person as part of what you get from the Government?

Note: Remember we're just strangers on the internet. To the extent I try to help, it's "without any strings or conditions attached". But if you you don't do these necessary incidental things - currently limited to keeping all the information secure - I'll politely disengage.

Yes i can do that!! I do not have a private email but i can set one up and im not sure about having a support person but i have been talking to a christian therapist/ social worker as well about this issue. I could use all the help i can get!!!

 

[WVV]

What you just said sounds like something she might benefit from hearing.

I have told her this and after hearing it she twisted it around and told her son that I broke up with him. Which was not the case!!! Thats kind of what started the separation of us!!!

 

[Levitator]

I have told her this and after hearing it she twisted it around and told her son that I broke up with him. Which was not the case!!! Thats kind of what started the separation of us!!!

This sounds like a very difficult situation. I tried to help someone with possessive, overbearing parents, and the point where I give up, is where she is not willing to provide me contact information to support her. She was nice, we had a pleasant time, she was accepting of momentary physical help, which makes it apparent that she welcomes social contact, but as soon as she runs out of time, her parents' overbearing nature takes precedence. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. It will backfire, and you will be cast as the bad guy, but the determining factor is that it will go to waste. I haven't followed this whole story because it's a bit overwhelming, but if your friend will maintain contact, then I think that's going to be the determining factor of whether you can succeed.