Basically i've reached a point where i have gotten into a routine.
I have the time to get involved in lots of different things but i don't. I have some challenges holding me back. One is that i do have M.E / CFS and generally feel ill every day although i'm mobile and can do lots of things still. However, constantly being around people and being 'forced' to interact is not only extremely stressful due to my HFA but when you feel ill on top of that then it's not a pleasant experience.
In addition i have pretty bad anxiety and panic disorder and speaking to people a lot often makes these worse and unbearable in some cases depending on the scenario.
Finally there is a maladaptive schema which i developed during adolescence and which seems to have been made worse by my autism. This schema is basically a deep distrust of other people, a deep sorrow within when i see around me on a daily basis just what morons people can be and how many repulsive behavioural traits many of them have and the schema also has convinced me that i don't particularly have any interest in others and their lives and particularly for small talk. Often i fear others too, especially younger people who wear baseball caps and tracksuits. lol
Taking into account the above then staying at home and having minimal contact with others is, on the face of it, paradise.
But i'm in a dichotomy. I feel that i wasting my life. I don't necessarily require other people to be happy but in order to go out into the world and at least feel like i'm somehow part of the one consciousness that Eckhart Tolle always bangs on about and feel a part of society then that involves other people.
Don't get me wrong. I like a lot of people also. When i meet nice people and i can genuinely tell they are nice people then it makes me happy and i can often overlook my ingrained negative bias towards human beings but the fact is that for every good person you come across that uplifts you, i may come across one, two or maybe more who are not so good.
It's this time consuming filtering out of people.
I simply can't be bothered with people anymore as it's too stressful and disappointing as an experience. I'm not in any way claiming that i am a superior person so please don't think that. I'm sure that many people would think i'm the height of tedium also which i accept but i'm more concerned about where i go from here. It's like i'm at a junction and the road sign to the left says 'PEOPLELESS ISOLATION-VILLE' and the road sign to the right says 'COMPLETE MADHOUSE'. Perhaps with a 'NO EXIT' sign to accompany it. Or maybe that should be a 'NO ENTRY' sign even and then it would at least save some of us from joining the absolute circus that seems to be modern society.
It's a terrible confusion as even i know that each of us needs people and needs contact and stimulation but it's the sheer overwhelming apathy and even scorn in some respects i have of other people and society in general that is holding me back.
If it was as easy as meeting someone for the first time and they immediately start annoying you or being obnoxious and you just tell them you think they are annoying and not to bother me again then that would be a start. It's honest and saves all the false pretence but for some reason you cannot do that.
So therefore i might have to go through lots of people like this (as i have done in life and other jobs) putting up with their archaic, narrow minded views, vacuous interests, backstabbing, lying, cheating, selfishness before i find one person who is really interesting, polite, non judgmental (as i am being with this whole post ironically) and friendly with no hidden agenda or nastiness.
I can't be bothered. I'm tired and i'm deeply disillusioned at the moment and possibly depressed as everything is viewed through a negative lens.
For example just say i won a weekend break to Disneyland Paris with the partner and kid. I'd get bad anxiety because i was going on a trip. There would be queues (i hate queues passionately) on the motorway driving down for the eurostar train check in where there would be more queues there. Then i'd be sat on the train and someone will be listening to stuff on headphones that i can hear and i'll be tuned in and huff and puff to myself calling the person an inconsiderate a-hole all the way, then some kid will start kicking the back of my seat and his parents (as usual) aren't even aware that it's happening let alone telling them to stop it.
Then (as usual lol) i'll need the toliet due to stress and i get into the cubicle and some dirty bandit has urinated all over the seat and not wiped it causing me to castigate inconsiderate people even more. Then the train will arrive in Paris and (as usual) people barge and shove to be first off. Quite why. i don't know as we are all going to get off at some point.
At this point my anxiety is through the roof and i'm getting into angry, possible meltdown mode.
Then it's queues again in the terminal and then we get to our hotel. We settle in for the night and there's seemingly a herd of elephants in the room above or more like ignorant people who don't think about others below (as i always do). Then some dolt next door has his TV on at what seems like full volume without apparently considering others in the hotel (as i always do).
Then it's 1am and i start dropping off after a very stressful day and some drunken louts are heard slamming doors in the corridor and shouting on the way to their room from a night out. Thanks for that.
You get ready in the morning feeling drained and then get to the Disneyland park where it takes you about an hour to get in as there are, yes you guessed it. Queues. I get anxious in queues and i'm waiting in this hypothetical queue and kids around me are running amok and screaming and shouting and i can feel the frustration and stress building.
Finally we get in and make our way to the first ride only to be met with a QUEUE! Then another queue for another ride then another queue. So i say sod it, let's have something to eat so we go into this restaurant. I find a table which is quiet near the corner as i don't like being sat near others.
Then we look at the menu and suddenly realize we need to take out a small personal loan just to pay for the food because something that should be about £25 is now £50 and beyond. Then the food takes ages to come. Then a large annoying, loud family with six kids take residence on the table next to us. I'm getting stressed.
Then i have to go up and ask where our food is. Then eventually it arrives and their are bits missing and it tastes like McDonalds crap (which i should have expected). Then i get frustrated because ordinarily i'd have marched up to the counter, exclaimed that i wasn't eating that crap and wanted a full refund but the kid is hungry and so we just accept it and eat and i go away angry that someone thinks it's not only acceptable to serve sub standard rubbish cooked without any care at all but it's also ok to rip people off by charging over the odds for it.
Then we queue for more rides. We see a photo of us on the ride we had just been on whilst passing the exit and it was hilarious. I want one and so does my kid but the lady in the photobooth wants £10 for it so i tell her it's a disgrace and leave hurriedly and angrily. My kid gets annoyed at me as she wanted it to take back with her and she doesn't understand that i am not prepared to get ripped off.
She starts getting upset and my partner overrules me calling me mean and we are only here once so we should buy it. I have a principle and that is now being put to the sword. I buy the photo and further contribute to an already rich companies profits when i could have given that £10 to a dog rescue charity instead.
I'm not enjoying myself at this point i'm sure you are aware. lol I've won a free holiday to Disneyland Paris and see it as a negative. How am i allowing this to happen?!
It's a really long post and if i continued with my fictional holiday to Disneyworld then i'm sure you can appreciate that things get worse. But the reality is that this kind of stuff happens to me all the time and i've got enough on trying to calm myself down and deal with things like this let alone be able to enjoy myself and enjoy time with the kid.
The reason i don't enjoy myself is because of people and society. How society is so dog eat dog, so greedy, so uncaring and so selfish by and large.
Now whether it's because of other people and their inability to see how their behaviour impacts on others or a total lack of awareness of others or even other people and their desire for money over delivering an acceptable service / product at an acceptable price i don't know.
It could be argued, like the therapists always do that maybe i MYSELF am the reason i am not enjoying myself as if i simply change my mindset to accept that all these people are morons and all these incidents are 'just how life is' then i'd be able to enjoy myself.
That to me is accepting that we may as well all just give up, have no standards and all do what we like.
I am never allowed to be truly relaxed and enjoy anywhere i go as other people and their selfish, ignorant behaviour will always cause distress to me.
So should i pursue a solitary existence and write books and be happy with the small circle of friends i have? Have i just answered my own question?
Apologies for the sheer length of the post and if you read it all then genuinely thank you so much and make yourself a cup of coffee and put your feet up now as i reckon you are exhausted.
Anyone else in this constant battle with other people and their own mindsets?
I have the time to get involved in lots of different things but i don't. I have some challenges holding me back. One is that i do have M.E / CFS and generally feel ill every day although i'm mobile and can do lots of things still. However, constantly being around people and being 'forced' to interact is not only extremely stressful due to my HFA but when you feel ill on top of that then it's not a pleasant experience.
In addition i have pretty bad anxiety and panic disorder and speaking to people a lot often makes these worse and unbearable in some cases depending on the scenario.
Finally there is a maladaptive schema which i developed during adolescence and which seems to have been made worse by my autism. This schema is basically a deep distrust of other people, a deep sorrow within when i see around me on a daily basis just what morons people can be and how many repulsive behavioural traits many of them have and the schema also has convinced me that i don't particularly have any interest in others and their lives and particularly for small talk. Often i fear others too, especially younger people who wear baseball caps and tracksuits. lol
Taking into account the above then staying at home and having minimal contact with others is, on the face of it, paradise.
But i'm in a dichotomy. I feel that i wasting my life. I don't necessarily require other people to be happy but in order to go out into the world and at least feel like i'm somehow part of the one consciousness that Eckhart Tolle always bangs on about and feel a part of society then that involves other people.
Don't get me wrong. I like a lot of people also. When i meet nice people and i can genuinely tell they are nice people then it makes me happy and i can often overlook my ingrained negative bias towards human beings but the fact is that for every good person you come across that uplifts you, i may come across one, two or maybe more who are not so good.
It's this time consuming filtering out of people.
I simply can't be bothered with people anymore as it's too stressful and disappointing as an experience. I'm not in any way claiming that i am a superior person so please don't think that. I'm sure that many people would think i'm the height of tedium also which i accept but i'm more concerned about where i go from here. It's like i'm at a junction and the road sign to the left says 'PEOPLELESS ISOLATION-VILLE' and the road sign to the right says 'COMPLETE MADHOUSE'. Perhaps with a 'NO EXIT' sign to accompany it. Or maybe that should be a 'NO ENTRY' sign even and then it would at least save some of us from joining the absolute circus that seems to be modern society.
It's a terrible confusion as even i know that each of us needs people and needs contact and stimulation but it's the sheer overwhelming apathy and even scorn in some respects i have of other people and society in general that is holding me back.
If it was as easy as meeting someone for the first time and they immediately start annoying you or being obnoxious and you just tell them you think they are annoying and not to bother me again then that would be a start. It's honest and saves all the false pretence but for some reason you cannot do that.
So therefore i might have to go through lots of people like this (as i have done in life and other jobs) putting up with their archaic, narrow minded views, vacuous interests, backstabbing, lying, cheating, selfishness before i find one person who is really interesting, polite, non judgmental (as i am being with this whole post ironically) and friendly with no hidden agenda or nastiness.
I can't be bothered. I'm tired and i'm deeply disillusioned at the moment and possibly depressed as everything is viewed through a negative lens.
For example just say i won a weekend break to Disneyland Paris with the partner and kid. I'd get bad anxiety because i was going on a trip. There would be queues (i hate queues passionately) on the motorway driving down for the eurostar train check in where there would be more queues there. Then i'd be sat on the train and someone will be listening to stuff on headphones that i can hear and i'll be tuned in and huff and puff to myself calling the person an inconsiderate a-hole all the way, then some kid will start kicking the back of my seat and his parents (as usual) aren't even aware that it's happening let alone telling them to stop it.
Then (as usual lol) i'll need the toliet due to stress and i get into the cubicle and some dirty bandit has urinated all over the seat and not wiped it causing me to castigate inconsiderate people even more. Then the train will arrive in Paris and (as usual) people barge and shove to be first off. Quite why. i don't know as we are all going to get off at some point.
At this point my anxiety is through the roof and i'm getting into angry, possible meltdown mode.
Then it's queues again in the terminal and then we get to our hotel. We settle in for the night and there's seemingly a herd of elephants in the room above or more like ignorant people who don't think about others below (as i always do). Then some dolt next door has his TV on at what seems like full volume without apparently considering others in the hotel (as i always do).
Then it's 1am and i start dropping off after a very stressful day and some drunken louts are heard slamming doors in the corridor and shouting on the way to their room from a night out. Thanks for that.
You get ready in the morning feeling drained and then get to the Disneyland park where it takes you about an hour to get in as there are, yes you guessed it. Queues. I get anxious in queues and i'm waiting in this hypothetical queue and kids around me are running amok and screaming and shouting and i can feel the frustration and stress building.
Finally we get in and make our way to the first ride only to be met with a QUEUE! Then another queue for another ride then another queue. So i say sod it, let's have something to eat so we go into this restaurant. I find a table which is quiet near the corner as i don't like being sat near others.
Then we look at the menu and suddenly realize we need to take out a small personal loan just to pay for the food because something that should be about £25 is now £50 and beyond. Then the food takes ages to come. Then a large annoying, loud family with six kids take residence on the table next to us. I'm getting stressed.
Then i have to go up and ask where our food is. Then eventually it arrives and their are bits missing and it tastes like McDonalds crap (which i should have expected). Then i get frustrated because ordinarily i'd have marched up to the counter, exclaimed that i wasn't eating that crap and wanted a full refund but the kid is hungry and so we just accept it and eat and i go away angry that someone thinks it's not only acceptable to serve sub standard rubbish cooked without any care at all but it's also ok to rip people off by charging over the odds for it.
Then we queue for more rides. We see a photo of us on the ride we had just been on whilst passing the exit and it was hilarious. I want one and so does my kid but the lady in the photobooth wants £10 for it so i tell her it's a disgrace and leave hurriedly and angrily. My kid gets annoyed at me as she wanted it to take back with her and she doesn't understand that i am not prepared to get ripped off.
She starts getting upset and my partner overrules me calling me mean and we are only here once so we should buy it. I have a principle and that is now being put to the sword. I buy the photo and further contribute to an already rich companies profits when i could have given that £10 to a dog rescue charity instead.
I'm not enjoying myself at this point i'm sure you are aware. lol I've won a free holiday to Disneyland Paris and see it as a negative. How am i allowing this to happen?!
It's a really long post and if i continued with my fictional holiday to Disneyworld then i'm sure you can appreciate that things get worse. But the reality is that this kind of stuff happens to me all the time and i've got enough on trying to calm myself down and deal with things like this let alone be able to enjoy myself and enjoy time with the kid.
The reason i don't enjoy myself is because of people and society. How society is so dog eat dog, so greedy, so uncaring and so selfish by and large.
Now whether it's because of other people and their inability to see how their behaviour impacts on others or a total lack of awareness of others or even other people and their desire for money over delivering an acceptable service / product at an acceptable price i don't know.
It could be argued, like the therapists always do that maybe i MYSELF am the reason i am not enjoying myself as if i simply change my mindset to accept that all these people are morons and all these incidents are 'just how life is' then i'd be able to enjoy myself.
That to me is accepting that we may as well all just give up, have no standards and all do what we like.
I am never allowed to be truly relaxed and enjoy anywhere i go as other people and their selfish, ignorant behaviour will always cause distress to me.
So should i pursue a solitary existence and write books and be happy with the small circle of friends i have? Have i just answered my own question?
Apologies for the sheer length of the post and if you read it all then genuinely thank you so much and make yourself a cup of coffee and put your feet up now as i reckon you are exhausted.
Anyone else in this constant battle with other people and their own mindsets?
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