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Autistic Girlfriend, I am depressed

Dudette said:
Well, she doesn't talk to anyone at school except her friend, sometimes when she sees me at school she would hide, but most of the time she just ignores me even if I talk to her. Thats why I am not sure anymore even though I did a lot of research, most of people who dated people with aspergers did not have this experience. Should I just tell myself ok this person has low-functional autism; thus, this is the reason why she behaves this way, or maybe she has high-functional autism, but she did not have contact with more than just this friend, and there is a possibility for her to learn that this behavior is bad (not showering, playing hide and seek, etc.), and hoping that someday she will learn how to keep up a conversation via text or IRL.
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I would do what other people have suggested tell her how you feel let her know that this is something that you have problems with but I know for myself When I was growing up I had trouble with taking a shower or a bath because I would get really engrossed in what I was doing and I didn't want to leave what I was doing it's a very very much artistic/aspergers thing to do to be so engrossed with what you're doing that you don't want to put your videogame or your phone or your movie or TV show down or your crafting project down and go take a shower or brush your teeth because in the mind of the autistic it is boring to brush your teeth or take a shower and what you are currently doing is more fun taking a shower is boring and it wastes the time that you could be playing your video game or watching your movie and or doing your art project that you're interested in. For me I get engrossed in video games on the computer like the Sims or I love to paint and when I get into painting I could be at that for hours and I have to remind myself to put it down and finish it tomorrow if it's getting late because I have to go to work at eight in the morning so I can't just do it all day or all night where I'm gonna be pissed in the morning when I get six hours of sleep or two hours asleep and have to go to work for eight hours etc.
 
but there was a day when I was like 18 or something I noticed there was a nasty stink following me and it was the grossest thing I've ever smelled I can't really describe it to you it was like stinky feet but it was more than stinky feet it was like fungal stinky feet/stinky crotch and trust me coming from people that don't shower very often you get to know what a stinky crotch smells like because it has a distinct odor of its own outside of the rest of the body but anyway back on regular subject here I began to identify these smells and started thinking what is going on so I washed all my clothes and I put everything away and it still stunk even though everything was fresh, clean, and warm fresh from the dryer it stunk all over again and I could not figure out for the life of me what happened. So I also discovered I think it's me making everything stinky because obviously washing the clothes wasn't doing anything that was a waste of my time so I took a shower and then after the shower my body felt different I no longer had that stinky feet crotch smell and I never had a Grody feeling I noticed a difference . Like I didn't notice it before because that's just how I always was and I didn't care I didn't notice I didn't pick up on that but when I was clean I noticed a different sensation over my body and a stinky smell was gone and I started to wonder so the next time that I started smelling smell instead of washing the clothes I tried out washing myself in a shower and again the same thing happened no stinky smells and I felt clean and my hair wasn't greasy and I just had this undescribable different feeling that I can only guess is the difference between dirty and clean I just had a different feeling over my whole self and so I started thinking about taking showers more often more than once a month or once every few weeks and I took one once a week and I got into a routine once a week and I started to notice I smelled less often. and I was doing laundry less often as well but I still have the sensation to wear the same clothes multiple times like if I noticed my underwear sticking or something I would change it and put on a new one but if I looked around my pants and discovered they aren't dirty they don't really have a smell to them I could wear them again a second day or third date but after that I would put them in the dirty clothes hamper and if I absolutely felt the need I would spray it with febreeze. But as I got older into my 20s I discovered taking a shower every single day and I became kind of anal about it where I have to take a shower every single day before I go to work and I have to dry my hair with the blow dryer and I have to straighten it with the straightener. but if it weren't for that discovery that I stink and wondering what the hell is making me stink why is everything in my life stinky every room I going stinks everything I wear sticks everything I touch stinks everything I eat stinks I just couldn't figure it out and it was making me so delirious that I was crying I could not figure it out and I wanted to smell to go the hell away from me and I couldn't it would never leave me ever until I discovered the idea aha maybe I should shower and that worked.
 
now I also had classes in high school with my counselor . I was kind of on my own and I didn't know how to interact with the kids in high school because I didn't know any other kids like me and I had only just gotten diagnosed when I entered high school at 15 and like I said I was the only one in high school with ASD. it was strange but I was the only one in my high school with ASD. Counselor kind of didn't know what to do but she knew about aspergers so she basically just set me up with a few things and then she came up with a kid that was graduating that year and only had a semester left but she brought him in wasn't gonna be a whole lot but at least it was something at least there was one other kid with aspergers but he wasn't gonna be there very long but she use whatever she could. And we took a class in her office every Thursday instead of going to study hall. we would have a piece of paper that shows faces and says the name of that facial expression underneath it and we would study them and then there was a time when we had just the faces with no descriptions of what that expression was and we would have to tell her what that was and there was also time to practice making the faces and see can you make a smiley face and she tell us if we were right or wrong and why and how to do it correctly and can you make a surprised face and we'd find out very quickly surprised and scared and happy can sometimes be similar looking expressions and you've got to tell the difference so that you can make them correctly if you're surprised obviously don't make a scared face or :) surprised face is an expression of its own etc. etc. and we had to learn those things and we learn very quickly I didn't know that I would get them mixed up because they are simila. And finally eventually I learned the faces and when I'm scared scared it's when I'm happy :) and I know what expression goes with happy which expression goes with scared which expression goes but surprised etc. and I can make them correctly I've learned how not to look depressed when I'm walking by keeping my head straight ahead and not looking at the ground I just look at the ground because I'm not social and I don't think about walking around looking at people because I don't see people I don't talk to people so why would I look at people if I have no intentions to interact with them it's the same thing with people on the spectrum having a terrible fear of looking someone in the eyes when I talk to them.

and I learned my volume is sometimes way high because my octaves go up and I didn't understand there's a difference between screaming and your octaves just being a little bit off and my parents would have to learn to show me your volume should be here but your volume is actually up here
 
I learned to do all of these things and I don't do them anymore and I don't really have a problem with volume because I pay attention if somebody tells me I'm being loud I say oh sorry I didn't realize and then I get back to a better level and I asked them is this a more appropriate level and I tell people if I get loud and I don't seem to appear like I'm realizing that I'm loud just tell me that I'm being a little bit loud and I need to knock it down some. that helps me when I'm not around people to identify volume levels and then I can assess for myself what is appropriate and what is not and I can make myself calm down or be quieter.
 
I definitely think this is something that she can learn but it'll always be a problem but if she learns she can overcome it when she sees that there's a problem or she can better manage it at a better level if it's not completely fixed . She will probably always be hyper but she can learn when she's being hyper this this or this might help her to calm down at least a little. or if she is being rude and doesn't realize you can tell her and she can maybe assess I didn't realize sorry what was I doing that was rude and if you explain to her this is what was rude and this is why it was rude then she might be able to understand that particular behavior is rude because… And then when she does it again she will identify oh that is a rude behavior and I was told that that is not okay and then she won't do it but if she doesn't know that's rude she will do it again because no one told her or things like that whatever the situation there are different ways to learn but it's gonna take somebody showing her and teaching her and helping her and it's gonna take them to show you and her parents and her friends these are the things we talked about these are the things she is doing to help herself overcome these problems and it's gonna take you all to help and then they can show you what you need did you when she's not at her therapy so that she can continue at home.
 
And also if you ever work with autism speaks or you try to do any autism speaks stuff I like them a lot they have a lot of good points to some of the things they say but the thing that gets me and I can't stand it and it's offensive and a lot of people don't follow autism speaks anymore because of this one thing but they say there's a cure for autism and aspergers and that's not true the thing about autism and aspergers is that it's a different wiring of the brain you might have more neurons in your brain firing in the center of thinking or reasoning than a neurotypical person which means non-disability BTW. or there might be more Wires in the part of your brain that focuses on sound etc. a neurotypical person or non-disability person doesn't have as many wires going to those parts of the brain so they don't have trouble with thinking and reasoning making and literal or volume control problems making them extra loud or extra quiet things like that and they don't know that they have those problems and they're born that way and the only way to fix that is to cut physically those wires and redirect them to the correct centers or cut out the excess amount so that they have a normal amount but if you cut those wires out of the brain then it kills brain cells and then the person dies so there is no cure and that's offensive to say there might be a cure because that's the only way to cure and if you cure you also kill if you take away the disability by those methods then you kill the person and it that's offensive to think of that but it's also offensive to think there's something wrong with the person that needs to be cured. it's not like cancer. Cancer is a bug to the body it's too much of something in the body that we can remove that are attacking the body there's nothing attacking our bodies it's just that we have too many things going to those centers of the brain but those are things you can't cut you can't fix because those are brainstem sprain cells and things and if you were to try to cut them out and rewire them or lessen their amount you would be cutting off brain cells making them more mentally stupid or whatever or killing them altogether
 
Some people that don't even have a disability have a fear of flying an airplane because they've never done it before or a fear of new places they've never been or a fear of dogs and they've never had a disability they just don't know much about dogs so they become fearful of what they don't know etc. etc. or people can get overly excited at something that they really like like let's say their favorite band or their favorite actor and they don't even necessarily have a disability it's that the people with a disability have those same behaviors they get excited like anybody else they get angry like anybody else they get emotional like anybody else they have fears like anybody else but they have them in heightened amounts and it's not fair to say they are on normal because anybody can have a fear or excitement or things like that we are all the same it's just that someone with autism has that more we just express ourselves more and we don't know that and I don't appreciate the autism speaks saying there's something wrong with me that I need to cure that hurts my feelings but I do understand that somethings need to be in control sometimes I get that artisan speaks thing about that but you can't ever get rid of it fully there's nothing you can ever do to get rid of it fully . You can help to overcome some things and lighten the load of others but not fully remove the matter what you do and you're gonna have to just accept that and decide if this is a relationship where I'm gonna be a caretaker to this person and not necessarily be partner/boyfriend/girlfriend then is that what you want is that what you consider to be a full relationship where you both are on the same page and love each other and I mean that to me is not a relationship that to me means you care about her and you love her and you take care of her but she doesn't love you in the same way she doesn't understand in the same way and it's gonna be one sided and it's wonderful to love and to take care because that's the right thing to do in a marriage they say till death do us part you love them and you take care of them through sickness and in health because that's the right thing to do even if they don't remember you in their old age you do it because you love them but that's a different situation you are young she's young I wouldn't go to that yet I wouldn't say I love her and this is the right thing to do so I'm gonna stay with her and take care of her and help her because you're not getting anything out of it for yourself. You get to be with her but at what cost because she's not giving you anything back if she's being in a childlike state she doesn't understand that she's not because she doesn't really understand that she should and she probably doesn't understand about being in a relationship the way that you want her to . A friend of mine dated a guy with aspergers who just wanted her for a taxi all the time to go to the store and stuff like that and she didn't understand she thought he liked and didn't get why he never really reciprocated the way she did and why he just seemed to use her as a taxi service and it wasn't fair and it was one-sided and I had to explain to her he's got aspergers he doesn't understand about relationships he's not really seeing it as a relationship he seeing it as just a way to get around because he can't drive he doesn't understand and I don't even think he really wants a relationship he just likes the friendship and getting around because he's bored and it really didn't hurt him at all when she broke up with him because he wasn't really in it the same way she was he just missed that he wasn't getting a ride everywhere anymore but him being extremely literal he didn't pick up on that he didn't understand that she wanted her relationship and he's had many years to mature and now he kind of understands more about relationships but he still is kind of more interested in himself he doesn't really get the relationship thing still and is just fine with being by himself so that wouldn't be fair for her to keep being there if she's not getting anything out of it and he doesn't really understand that he supposed to.
 
I understand your frustrations with social skills but my husband has had issues with me when it comes to social interaction,he is also very extroverted and loves to socialise and talk a lot ,while I can socialise to a degree I find it very draining and I usually at the end of the night either end up sitting in a corner or going into another room,he sometimes has gotten upset with me being too quiet or sitting by myself but I have tried to socialise but it can be draining and I can only take in a certain amount,your girlfriend might find also socialising draining and difficult to keep up with others and it doesn't come naturally for her as socialising does for my husband,the hygiene thing may need to be pointed out because when I was a young teenager I hardly washed my hair and didn't like to brush it but it was around the age of 13 I started to shower on a daily basis due to my hair being so greasy and was constantly pointed out about it by my relatives,now I'm the complete opposite and have daily showers and I do try to take care of my appearance and it's now a habit of mine and now I hate the idea of skipping showers,your girlfriend may also become more aware of hygiene but her social interaction is probably always going to be hard for her and she needs someone who can understand those difficulties and not press her into becoming a social butterfly and while she may can learn to socialise a bit more it will still be draining for her and some kindness and understanding is what she needs.
 
Dudette said:
I am not sure what to do.
I was told on this forum that you cannot change person with aspergers.
But there is this problem that she lack any social skills for example she would force me to play hide and seek while walking down the street which I dislike and often she would not shower.
She refuses to have any conversation with me (via text and IRL), but at the same time she tells me that she loves me (sometimes via text). She doesn't have any idea how to behave around me, she would often play hide and seek (I would talk to her, and then suddenly she would just runaway and hide). This is so depressive especially that she doesn't say a word the whole time.

What I am trying to say is whether there is nothing to be done?
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Go into her world. What I mean by that her favorite thing is hide and seek. Maybe say things to her like hide-and-seek I love you! Or maybe something like if you shower I'll play hide and seek with you. Anything that she's interested in ask her about it. as in hide and seek still like why is it so fun? But if you do that be genuine and nice and loving at their approach not defensive as in why do you like that? Why is it so fun.? Find patterns you notice about her in her world. Just don't use it against her. And I guess maybe a good way of socializing and communicating with her. She may even start to be interested and considerate of you more. Maybe you'll know her a little bit better too in the process.
 
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Dudette said:
I am not sure what to do.
I was told on this forum that you cannot change person with aspergers.
But there is this problem that she lack any social skills for example she would force me to play hide and seek while walking down the street which I dislike and often she would not shower.
She refuses to have any conversation with me (via text and IRL), but at the same time she tells me that she loves me (sometimes via text). She doesn't have any idea how to behave around me, she would often play hide and seek (I would talk to her, and then suddenly she would just runaway and hide). This is so depressive especially that she doesn't say a word the whole time.

What I am trying to say is whether there is nothing to be done?
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in my opinion, you have to get her to a place and have a serious talk with so she can understand how you feel and you two can work something out that benefits you both
 
Dudette said:
I tried to tell her indirectly first about communication, and later directly which was a bad idea because she started to cry and telling me that "BF and GF are not supposed to communicate with each other because thats what friends do". After this I gave up telling her about her hygine and hide and seek game :(
because I am not sure anymore if there is a point and whether I am approaching the problem the right way and whether this problem is resolvable.
I am sorry, but this is the first time I have seen this.
Not being able to keep up a conversation (I think she is because I have seen her talking to her friend, but not good at it which is fine) AND be very resistant towards a conversation.
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Tell her you want to be her friend, and cannot be a boyfriend now, as you need communication with her before being a boyfriend. Say, that is how things usually work. It is clear if you cannot tell her what you feel, or get close to her, without her getting upset, and without her hiding, there is no healthy dating relationship. So, I would focus on just accepting friendship. If she still will not talk to you then, and you still feel you cannot communicate with her without her being very upset, then it probably was not meant to be, as you would be putting all the efforts in, and not her. You cannot be with someone because of pity, or wanting to change them lots.
 
Is she prefers not to have conversations, respect that. You can have conversations with just about everyone so there's no need to make her do the same. You find her attractive to be with, so there must be something besides (non-)conversation that makes you happy. Hygiene you could point out to her but *not* as something she should do, just something to be aware of your response to her. She's free to decide what she wants to do and so are you. Do your thing, and if it works out, fine, if not, sad but apparently not so sad that you'd want to keep it the way it is.
 
ilovetochat87 said:
I would do what other people have suggested tell her how you feel let her know that this is something that you have problems with but I know for myself When I was growing up I had trouble with taking a shower or a bath because I would get really engrossed in what I was doing and I didn't want to leave what I was doing it's a very very much artistic/aspergers thing to do to be so engrossed with what you're doing that you don't want to put your videogame or your phone or your movie or TV show down or your crafting project down and go take a shower or brush your teeth because in the mind of the autistic it is boring to brush your teeth or take a shower and what you are currently doing is more fun taking a shower is boring and it wastes the time that you could be playing your video game or watching your movie and or doing your art project that you're interested in. For me I get engrossed in video games on the computer like the Sims or I love to paint and when I get into painting I could be at that for hours and I have to remind myself to put it down and finish it tomorrow if it's getting late because I have to go to work at eight in the morning so I can't just do it all day or all night where I'm gonna be pissed in the morning when I get six hours of sleep or two hours asleep and have to go to work for eight hours etc.
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Very perceptive response. Also wonder if the "symptoms" she exhibits relate to Autism or some other malady....
 
Dudette said:
I am not sure what to do.
I was told on this forum that you cannot change person with aspergers.
But there is this problem that she lack any social skills for example she would force me to play hide and seek while walking down the street which I dislike and often she would not shower.
She refuses to have any conversation with me (via text and IRL), but at the same time she tells me that she loves me (sometimes via text). She doesn't have any idea how to behave around me, she would often play hide and seek (I would talk to her, and then suddenly she would just runaway and hide). This is so depressive especially that she doesn't say a word the whole time.

What I am trying to say is whether there is nothing to be done?
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The not talking part is called selective mutism and a lot of times can be worked around. It takes much longer time for people with ASD to get to a place where they're comfortable with another person, but it's not impossible. Also it's important to remember that ASD people struggle with reading between the lines, so if you've got something to say, you gotta say it as it is, but not in a mean way. It might still hurt their feelings, so give them time, but trust me, it's still better than feeling something isn't right and not knowing what it is. Honesty, patience and kindness is key.
 
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