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Asperger and long distance communication

N

NiniS29

Active Member
A hello to everyone and I hope you are all well due to current situations.


I had a thought basically awhile ago but it came into my mind again today . Since I am currently in a long distance relationship right now for a while longer and since we can’t see each other so much.
I relay mostly on calls and videos and so on. My boyfriend is on the spectrum and has Aspergers but still hard and doesn’t really want to accept it but I walk my way around it knowingly and of course trying my best to not overwhelm him.


The thing is this I have to always plan a call or a video we made up the routine that we do it once a week on the weekend, a call or a video whatever we fancy .
I tried to let him choose when he wants to see or talk to me. Because I felt like he was not comfortable lately or stressed when we did a video not like he used to.
Well he was happy about that idea but what came out of it ,I didn’t talk to him since 3 weeks. Wich made me a bit upset to be honest that he didn’t initiate anything at all . I didn’t say it though so I asked him to talk today. Just a normal call because I do miss him.

he is messaging me every day but I mostly let him start or talk I’m not bombarding him with long messages anymore like I used to because I figured out he can’t cope with them. He once said he can’t process most of it and doesn’t understand so now it works better since I know.

well the point is. I do miss him a lot and I am super excited when I get to see or talk to him . Wich might end up in me overwhelming him with a thousand things because I don’t know what I should actually say or focus on and it feels like than he is trying to escape quicker wich I understand and I feel bad afterwards

i want to know like how to have a proper conversion that he enjoys and not overwhelms him and what I should talk about without getting to emotional .

so that maybe he also enjoys talking to me again and starts maybe a conversation by himself? Because if I let him decide I feel like he is forgetting about me happily or such. I don’t know.

I try to keep this long distance thing as comfortable as possible because I doe miss him a lot we lived together for a while with many misunderstandings doe to him not beeing Diagnosed back than. And having a thousand meltdowns wich I still feel guilty about and think that he blames me for that.

sometimes I just don’t know how to act and have a living fun conversation for both parts because I’m also a very emotional person. But like I said the guilt let’s me slip into feelings and thoughts and than I ask things about if he still likes me or so on when certain topics arise.

I just want to have a better connection as we used to have and a better relationship with conversation we both enjoy.
On his part there is so much anxiety about the future that I don’t even dare to ask what’s the plan for later.
Because he still can’t let go of what happend and I sometimes see this in his eyes.he says he wants to but he doesn’t know how. And I would very much like to see him smile not scared.

i just want to work it out and have our connection back and the trust and the happiness.


Thank you very much for reading my long texts.
 
Not trying to sound unsympathetic and can only relay personal experience that long distance relationships very rarely work, the only person that can make anyone happy is their self and relationships have to be a two way street to work. This sounds very one sided in my opinion.
Wish you luck.
 
Ken S. said:
Not trying to sound unsympathetic and can only relay personal experience that long distance relationships very rarely work, the only person that can make anyone happy is their self and relationships have to be a two way street to work. This sounds very one sided in my opinion.
Wish you luck.
Click to expand...
I know what you mean it sounds one sided because it is every time like this when he is with interests and he can goe days like that. He also doesn’t really goe out or such.

I am happy with myself and I have a great family thankful but that doesn’t mean a relationship should make you feel not happy to because even if your happy do you want to be in a relationship that makes you miserable ? So it’s a bit import to. I agree that long distance rarely works but we lived together aswell in between and I do see him all 4 months not now obviously. But for the next about two years it will be like this. So there is at the moment no other option.

I just wanted to know how to have a better communication without slipping to much into emotional sides Wich makes him uncomfortable.

but I do appreciate your advice and I also must agree to what you said.

I just want the time apart to be more enjoyable and not out of sight out of mind. His Asperger can be quite a thing and very difficult. Just going out on his street not anywhere else. Having just certain friends never meeting much or anyone and when he does his music work it can be that he sits for hours or days or such. He will write you every day as soon as he is up or sometimes good night when he is not working on something because than that goes until exhaustion with him and nothing else exists.


Battling with his interests is not what I want I want to be supportive and I do understand now aswell way better than I did back than
 
Believe me when i say from experience that any relationship is a two way thing, you could find out more about Autism, if there's not a balance of needs met for you both then maybe that is the problem? It's not your job to 'fix' him, he's not your responsibility and no one can change any one, that comes from self, maybe stop trying so hard and just be. I understand you have strong feelings for this man and wish you happiness.
 
Giraffes said:
Believe me when i say from experience that any relationship is a two way thing, you could find out more about Autism, if there's not a balance of needs met for you both then maybe that is the problem? It's not your job to 'fix' him, he's not your responsibility and no one can change any one, that comes from self, maybe stop trying so hard and just be. I understand you have strong feelings for this man and wish you happiness.
Click to expand...
That is true it is one way both working or no one. And what you say is totally correct, I’m not trying to fix him anymore I let him be him and it seems to work now for me that way and I feel happier and also he is becoming better.
I had to understand his autism because it was a problem when we were living together because non of us did know , not him of what is happening to himself or not me why he is all of a sudden so different and I couldn’t understand and because of that I didn’t react in a good way or understanding. Back than I wanted to fix what we both didn’t understand and I just pushed him
And I feel guilt about that and I would take it back if I could. I just hope that in the future we can leave this behind and live together in a better way and understanding next time. There is no need to fix anyone it’s not possible or fair because that is him. No one is right to ask for a person to change.
I thank you very much for your answer
 
To be honest, I think that the way you are is alright and that you shouldn't have to change yourself to fit the other person's view of a perfect partner... You shouldn't have to change the way you talk or ignore your emotional needs because the other person doesn't reciprocate. If this relationship goes for a long time, if it gets more serious but he still rarely initiates conversation, even face-to-face (and no, you won't be able to change him), are you going to accept it? Are you going to be happy?

Sometimes you may realise while in a relationship with someone that the other person doesn't fulfill your needs - and there's nothing wrong in taking a step back, thinking things through... and even letting go if you decide to do so.
 
I thank you a lot for your thoughts.

I had a lot time to think lately and I also thought he never was big in talking it doesn’t seem a thing he is comfortable with and I had some arguments in the past not knowing.

He rarely does he might did once or twice . But he wants immediately if you ask. It’s difficult since no one was aware of his Asperger and I did know him differently befor I lived with him and it all collapsed because the trades and ticks seem to explode and also overwhelm him. No one of us did know what to doe. I didn’t understand what was going on and nothing made sense of what he did or said. And he couldn’t control feelings and stuff when he had no space because there where 2 people in a shoebox practically.

I was not the best I must admit I didn’t try to calm down and understand what’s going on. I tried back than to push for a why are you like this and not like normal. I wanted a change instead of understanding what did just happen to him or me.
It took me to long to react and I made many mistakes.
He lived alone in his world for a long time with never being challenged or so on in his small one person flat. I came wich he kind of wanted to and try how we work. Well it was not a good idea. Of course I changed things when moving and when I was not aware of autism it did all blow up. He was like a ticking bomb to me.

thanks to a friend who’s wife is a doctor they opened my eyes of what’s going on. And I wish I would have seen sooner to not push and ask for change on his side when he was in a situation of Change in his life and in a already overwhelmed state and in meltdown mood.

you see if I wouldn’t stop and moved back and him figure out what was going on. Nothing would be there anymore. He has a strange few on things contacts and stuff. Wich for me is more contact and time. But for him it’s a lot. He needs waaaaaay more breathing space than I do. And I had to accept certain things and understand behaviour .


I’m still not perfect but I’m learning and try to support him not challeng him.

As long as I’m away it is difficult with needs but when I’m there physically now. He is different if he sees you he wants you around and just literally is glued to you. But when your away. He is a bit away to. He always was a bit but I could not understand back than.
 
You obviously care alot about him. This really isn't advice that you want to hear- relationships are fluid and morphing 100% of the time. So you are learning about each other and relearning, you also are maturing due to outside forces. So if you understand dynamics change and can even move backwards before moving forward perhaps you will be a little more patient in all of this. Finally - healthy relationships grow and mature so this sounds like a work in progress, a masterpiece painting that is slowly being painted. Living together can be a plus or it can be a negative.
 
Ugh, it sucks that we struggle with that. I do that too, to my friends and when I date and I hate that I do it, But I literally wont call people for weeks. I either don't call because I genuinely forget to call everyone, or I get overwhelmed on the phone, it's very strange. It sucks when I meet new people or make friends but they slowly fizzle away because I don't call them. I have to groom the people that stick around so they know what to expect from me... Or what not to expect I guess. I hope you know it's not personal, it's just so damn overwhelming. I think this may be a cute idea. Instead of phone calls, maybe make a video expressing how your week went, your concerns, some jokes you find funny or memes you want to share with him, and have him do the same. Maybe that's awkward for him, but maybe it will create some time for him to gather his thoughts and express that he loves you and is thinking of you even if it doesn't seem like it. He can say as much or as little as he wants. I also think you should express how not talking to him is making you feel. I know it's hard for him, but YOUR feelings matter too. We do need to be pushed a little sometimes, and it's okay so long as nobody is getting hurt.
 
my kids live a fair distance from me, over 2 hours drive. I am hardly in contact with them. It just does not come to mind to call. I know it hurts them and they think all kinds of ill of me, but I just dont think of it.
 
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