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A very private question

smileeachday

smileeachday

Well-Known Member
Hello everyone,

So i am upset... so i am married and i love my husband to death but he was married before me and i feel very upset feeling like im sloppy 2nd or something especially the intimate moments...

He always makes sure I know how he feels and i do know he feels very happy and blessed to be with me...

I guess it would be upsetting in that manner but the problem is i am an aspie and i know i am extra sensitive to it...

I've had meltdowns about it twice... and i know it is private but if anyone has experience of this or something i would love to hear your view
 
The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of people have been in some sort of relationship at some time in the past, so there's not a lot one can do about it.
 
I've never experienced a relationship with anyone who didn't have someone before me. But then I don't seem to experience jealousy or envy like others, which may put a bit of a spin on it all.
 
There's no such thing as sloppy seconds when it comes to human relationships, even if a SO was widowed and may still have feelings for their previous partner. Humans aren't articles of clothing or cars that depreciate after use.

I feel that worrying so much about his past is unfair to your husband and is emotionally unhealthy for you.
 
i can relate to this feeling... it's very similar to part of my moral system. in short, i wanted to be with 1 person and 1 person only (since elementary school)..... so everything i did with them (and they did with me) was the only person and each time was the 1st time.
in 6th grade... that thought is met with "aww thats sweet"..... at 31yrs old it's met with a "wtf is wrong with you? you need to get laid. i'll give you the number of a cheap hooker i used before.. she was hot and no diseases" (ok not an exact quote, but combining things i've been told by people... i have been told that)

with that said..... it's clearly unrealistic to expect that at my age. as little "experience" as i've had in my life, i did have 1 long term relationship (really my only relationship) and since we had sex, i must be OK with anybody in the future that i may find atleast having 1 partner before me (i'm big on equality...... eventhough it would bother me for my entire life because all i would think about is them being with somebody else. kind of like what you said is happening now)


were you with anybody before? you could balance it out that way.... if not (i'm guessing not but i dont know) then clearly it's tougher. to which, the best thing i can say is this.... he's married to you now. you've had 2 meltdowns about it and he hasn't left so he must care alot about you. nobody knows the future, but it sounds like he doesn't plan on leaving. and although he may not have said it (or maybe he did) i imagine, atleast in a small way, it does bother him that he was married before because it does bother you and since he cares about you, what bothers you also bothers him. but there's simply nothing that can be done about it.... it sucks on both sides
 
The way I figure it, I'm the one he married in the end so I must have been worth something more to him than the other girlfriends. Elsewise one of them would have been the one with a ring and certificate and I'd still be making do tending to pets. And as picky and scrutinizing as I am, he wouldn't have made the cut to be my mate if I had the slightest idea he didn't care much for me. I have no reason to be insecure with him.
 
smileeachday said:
Hello everyone,

So i am upset... so i am married and i love my husband to death but he was married before me and i feel very upset feeling like im sloppy 2nd or something especially the intimate moments...

He always makes sure I know how he feels and i do know he feels very happy and blessed to be with me...

I guess it would be upsetting in that manner but the problem is i am an aspie and i know i am extra sensitive to it...

I've had meltdowns about it twice... and i know it is private but if anyone has experience of this or something i would love to hear your view
Click to expand...

This isn't about him, Smile. It's about you. What meaning are you ascribing to the accident of not being the first? What's in the movie in your mind? And why do you think "first" somehow has a happy ending, when you're living proof it isn't?

He is never going to overcome this. You are the only one who can.
 
I suppose you can take that little voice that whispers in your ear about coming second… and ignore it. Freeze it out. Make it feel unwelcome. It has no power to wreck your marriage, and it should never think it does.
 
This is my feeling about relationships. They begin new when you get together and nothing that happened before it has any relevance. Only what you have together from that moment on matters.

Many if not most all couples have had previous relationships before, often multi-year ones, if not previous marriages.
 
When I first was married, my husband related how when he was in the army ( happily did not fight), he went regularly many miles to visit his girl friend and said that he truly loved her, but she proved what she was really like, when he left the army, to be with her and she left him, because she "liked men in uniform". As bizarre as it was, I was obsessed with this and it caused me many meltdowns and I kept panicking that he still loved her! It took me a few years to accept that it was all in my head.

He also revealed that his first "crush" was his female cousin and that tortured my soul because every time we saw her, he appeared to be all over her and I am afraid, I suffered terrible jealousy, but he did not help when he virtually ignored me!

It was called: deep insecurity; I could not fathom why he actually wanted to marry me and so, I felt threatened constantly.

If his ex wife left him, then it would be understandable if you worry, but again, if he is going out of his way to prove that he loves you, then try and accept that.

If he left his ex wife, then you most certainly cannot be second best!
 
ChrisC1983 said:
i can relate to this feeling... it's very similar to part of my moral system. in short, i wanted to be with 1 person and 1 person only (since elementary school)..... so everything i did with them (and they did with me) was the only person and each time was the 1st time.
in 6th grade... that thought is met with "aww thats sweet"..... at 31yrs old it's met with a "wtf is wrong with you? you need to get laid. i'll give you the number of a cheap hooker i used before.. she was hot and no diseases" (ok not an exact quote, but combining things i've been told by people... i have been told that)

with that said..... it's clearly unrealistic to expect that at my age. as little "experience" as i've had in my life, i did have 1 long term relationship (really my only relationship) and since we had sex, i must be OK with anybody in the future that i may find atleast having 1 partner before me (i'm big on equality...... eventhough it would bother me for my entire life because all i would think about is them being with somebody else. kind of like what you said is happening now)


were you with anybody before? you could balance it out that way.... if not (i'm guessing not but i dont know) then clearly it's tougher. to which, the best thing i can say is this.... he's married to you now. you've had 2 meltdowns about it and he hasn't left so he must care alot about you. nobody knows the future, but it sounds like he doesn't plan on leaving. and although he may not have said it (or maybe he did) i imagine, atleast in a small way, it does bother him that he was married before because it does bother you and since he cares about you, what bothers you also bothers him. but there's simply nothing that can be done about it.... it sucks on both sides
Click to expand...

No i have never been with anyone before him... It is just hard because he was married to her before me also so i have mixed emotions about it...
 
Suzanne said:
When I first was married, my husband related how when he was in the army ( happily did not fight), he went regularly many miles to visit his girl friend and said that he truly loved her, but she proved what she was really like, when he left the army, to be with her and she left him, because she "liked men in uniform". As bizarre as it was, I was obsessed with this and it caused me many meltdowns and I kept panicking that he still loved her! It took me a few years to accept that it was all in my head.

He also revealed that his first "crush" was his female cousin and that tortured my soul because every time we saw her, he appeared to be all over her and I am afraid, I suffered terrible jealousy, but he did not help when he virtually ignored me!

It was called: deep insecurity; I could not fathom why he actually wanted to marry me and so, I felt threatened constantly.

If his ex wife left him, then it would be understandable if you worry, but again, if he is going out of his way to prove that he loves you, then try and accept that.

If he left his ex wife, then you most certainly cannot be second best!
Click to expand...

I do agree with this thank you... I frequently am tortured by thinking am i good enough am i better feeling like im in some form of competition which i agree is likely all in my head... he wouldn't go through with a second marriage if he didn't truely love me and that is what i have to keep in my mind.. what you have written have given me a little more happiness :)
 
Tom said:
This is my feeling about relationships. They begin new when you get together and nothing that happened before it has any relevance. Only what you have together from that moment on matters.

Many if not most all couples have had previous relationships before, often multi-year ones, if not previous marriages.
Click to expand...
That's a unique perspective i did not view it like that... maybe i should?
 
Aspergirl4hire said:
This isn't about him, Smile. It's about you. What meaning are you ascribing to the accident of not being the first? What's in the movie in your mind? And why do you think "first" somehow has a happy ending, when you're living proof it isn't?

He is never going to overcome this. You are the only one who can.
Click to expand...

It is a constant movie in my head that i have to just accept... I guess I just think she got more attention more praise he did everything for her and she stabbed him hard in the heart... and i guess by me thinking the way i am i am doing the same thing... you can only make a story with a happy ending if you create it yourself so i agree with you...
 
AsheSkyler said:
The way I figure it, I'm the one he married in the end so I must have been worth something more to him than the other girlfriends. Elsewise one of them would have been the one with a ring and certificate and I'd still be making do tending to pets. And as picky and scrutinizing as I am, he wouldn't have made the cut to be my mate if I had the slightest idea he didn't care much for me. I have no reason to be insecure with him.
Click to expand...
I do like what you have said here and i agree..
 
BigTimber said:
There's no such thing as sloppy seconds when it comes to human relationships, even if a SO was widowed and may still have feelings for their previous partner. Humans aren't articles of clothing or cars that depreciate after use.

I feel that worrying so much about his past is unfair to your husband and is emotionally unhealthy for you.
Click to expand...

I do feel it is unfair for him.. and i feel selfish thinking the way i am but the constant competition is always there and it wont go away...i am always thinking am i good enough am i better am i doing okay...
 
Judge said:
I've never experienced a relationship with anyone who didn't have someone before me. But then I don't seem to experience jealousy or envy like others, which may put a bit of a spin on it all.
Click to expand...
You are a very strong person to not be jealous or envious... :)
 
Ylva said:
I suppose you can take that little voice that whispers in your ear about coming second… and ignore it. Freeze it out. Make it feel unwelcome. It has no power to wreck your marriage, and it should never think it does.
Click to expand...
Ylva said:
I suppose you can take that little voice that whispers in your ear about coming second… and ignore it. Freeze it out. Make it feel unwelcome. It has no power to wreck your marriage, and it should never think it does.
Click to expand...
I do try... to block it to be rid of it... there's got to be something i can do to be rid fully.
 
smileeachday said:
I do agree with this thank you... I frequently am tortured by thinking am i good enough am i better feeling like im in some form of competition which i agree is likely all in my head... he wouldn't go through with a second marriage if he didn't truely love me and that is what i have to keep in my mind.. what you have written have given me a little more happiness :)
Click to expand...

Oh I am glad that my answer has given you a little bit of happiness!
 
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