Hi. I've been lonely as long as I could remember, and always considered peculiar. I have no diagnosis of any kind, other than being weird. I don't even know why I am here other than to scream into the void. I never read fiction as a child, I only wanted to watch discovery channel when it was still documentaries on nature mostly and read books about dinosaurs, meteorology and had a collection of cacti at some point. A multitude of topics which have come and gone since. No one wanted to talk about my interests.
When I was in first grade I realized I had no friends- it was an epiphany for me. My idea of making friends was to walk up and ask someone "do you want to be my friend?" I'm sure you can imagine how that turned out. I was yelled at for being deaf in school because I talked too loudly and didn't understand when people told me things the first time (I had to have them repeat the beginning of the sentence and the rest would come to me at that point).
I wetted the bed until 14 years old and even if somehow someone did want to do a sleepover, I could never go because my mom was afraid I would embarrass her. Anyone who did decide to befriend me stopped talking to me within days to weeks. I said things that made people uncomfortable- I got in trouble one day because i told my sister logically in what order I would expect our family members to pass away based on their current ages, sometime around 8 years old.
I wrote a journal about rabbit genetics at 13 years old, describing many understood crossings of desired genes to achieve a desired phenotype. I crossed into interests regarding fauna of the mesopelagic ocean around that time. I remember getting in trouble in marine biology class because I pointed out that a student's presentation on the mesopelagic was using fauna and flora from the epipelagic zone and that it was not accurate.
At first I loved school. I loved blurting out the answers before my teachers could finish asking the question. I loved the praise, even though I didn't have friends and no one seemed to want to talk to me. Indifference turned to ridicule and I acquired many names- "the walking dictionary" was applied with much derision. I was the "absent-minded professor" (my 6th grade teacher's favorite), the "bookworm", and worse.
School became prison. Teachers didn't even want me to answer questions anymore. I knew everything I needed to know academically all the way through high school, yet was forced to keep my eyes open and participate. Teachers would use me to make students feel bad about their test scores because I slept through class as much as possible but still got the "A".
I had one teacher my entire time in school (7th grade) sit my mother down and tell her she thought something was "off." That I should be evaluated for developmental issues, ADD, or at the very least that I needed gifted classes. My mother told her I was fine and left. My mom lies and says that meeting never took place.
I used to be outgoing, but the repeated rejections and failures have turned me into a scared person. Frightened of rejection, feeling like an impostor. Yearning for intelligent conversation but so scared that in reality, I am an incapable idiot. I go through the motions of interacting with people at work. I give them what they want to avoid confrontation and being called out. I smile at just the right juncture, because I think I should. Repeat the stale small talk I've heard others make. Try to simplify word choices.
My self-image has taken repeated blows and despite my "intelligence," I have tried and failed to get my college degree three times. It is so dull, I can't even force myself to stay and finish. That combined with my crippling, exponentially expanding social anxiety. This has hurt me so much. The one thing I could pride myself on, I question every day. Teachers would talk about my potential, how smart I was.
Here I am at 30 years old, a failure in my own eyes.
My mom abused me frequently and did drugs when she was pregnant with me. She never took me to a dentist and when i went at 18 I had 11 cavities. She lies to this day and says she did take me. Sometimes she oscillates between "yes she did" and that I "was too difficult" because I had to be held down for doctors visits for shots, so it wasn't her fault. She never fostered my interests or tried to help me. She looked the other way, consumed with her own mental disorders. I used to be so mad at her, but now I am older and feel that where she failed to help me, I too failed to help myself. She was, and is, so sick that I can't even be mad.
These are snippets of my awkward, short life. Do I belong?
When I was in first grade I realized I had no friends- it was an epiphany for me. My idea of making friends was to walk up and ask someone "do you want to be my friend?" I'm sure you can imagine how that turned out. I was yelled at for being deaf in school because I talked too loudly and didn't understand when people told me things the first time (I had to have them repeat the beginning of the sentence and the rest would come to me at that point).
I wetted the bed until 14 years old and even if somehow someone did want to do a sleepover, I could never go because my mom was afraid I would embarrass her. Anyone who did decide to befriend me stopped talking to me within days to weeks. I said things that made people uncomfortable- I got in trouble one day because i told my sister logically in what order I would expect our family members to pass away based on their current ages, sometime around 8 years old.
I wrote a journal about rabbit genetics at 13 years old, describing many understood crossings of desired genes to achieve a desired phenotype. I crossed into interests regarding fauna of the mesopelagic ocean around that time. I remember getting in trouble in marine biology class because I pointed out that a student's presentation on the mesopelagic was using fauna and flora from the epipelagic zone and that it was not accurate.
At first I loved school. I loved blurting out the answers before my teachers could finish asking the question. I loved the praise, even though I didn't have friends and no one seemed to want to talk to me. Indifference turned to ridicule and I acquired many names- "the walking dictionary" was applied with much derision. I was the "absent-minded professor" (my 6th grade teacher's favorite), the "bookworm", and worse.
School became prison. Teachers didn't even want me to answer questions anymore. I knew everything I needed to know academically all the way through high school, yet was forced to keep my eyes open and participate. Teachers would use me to make students feel bad about their test scores because I slept through class as much as possible but still got the "A".
I had one teacher my entire time in school (7th grade) sit my mother down and tell her she thought something was "off." That I should be evaluated for developmental issues, ADD, or at the very least that I needed gifted classes. My mother told her I was fine and left. My mom lies and says that meeting never took place.
I used to be outgoing, but the repeated rejections and failures have turned me into a scared person. Frightened of rejection, feeling like an impostor. Yearning for intelligent conversation but so scared that in reality, I am an incapable idiot. I go through the motions of interacting with people at work. I give them what they want to avoid confrontation and being called out. I smile at just the right juncture, because I think I should. Repeat the stale small talk I've heard others make. Try to simplify word choices.
My self-image has taken repeated blows and despite my "intelligence," I have tried and failed to get my college degree three times. It is so dull, I can't even force myself to stay and finish. That combined with my crippling, exponentially expanding social anxiety. This has hurt me so much. The one thing I could pride myself on, I question every day. Teachers would talk about my potential, how smart I was.
Here I am at 30 years old, a failure in my own eyes.
My mom abused me frequently and did drugs when she was pregnant with me. She never took me to a dentist and when i went at 18 I had 11 cavities. She lies to this day and says she did take me. Sometimes she oscillates between "yes she did" and that I "was too difficult" because I had to be held down for doctors visits for shots, so it wasn't her fault. She never fostered my interests or tried to help me. She looked the other way, consumed with her own mental disorders. I used to be so mad at her, but now I am older and feel that where she failed to help me, I too failed to help myself. She was, and is, so sick that I can't even be mad.
These are snippets of my awkward, short life. Do I belong?
