Ever since I watched a video on 'Slay the Princess', a game. I have been thinking about little else but that, and the existential journey I went through as I watched it. That sounds weird, I know.
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I only perceive poison in everything. But it's not bitterness in the world. It's bitterness in myself for accepting these lies, as truth. I, long ago, shackled myself in selfishness. Yet was blind to it all, like a ignorant bug willingly flying into the web of a spider. As time marched on, so past by my chances to be a person. It's a distant flicker now. An abyss between us.
I've updated the look of Azeth. This is a bit more fitting.
Even if you don't celebrate, find something that makes you happy. Find something that brings you hope. If you hold on to that. The new year can bring new life to your desires.
I'm considering getting rid of my videogames entirely, along with any game consoles I've held on to. I feeling like fully removing that component from my life will maybe help with everything else. I am still trying to convince myself to do it.
I am feeling depressed today. Not severely so, but I can tell I am not feeling all the best.
This is my character Azeth.
It's amazing how much of a first instinct it is to rely on negative mechanisms one uses to escape/cope. Especailly when you spent 20+ years of your life using them, like myself. It's very hard to deter. However I'm becoming more aware of it.
I've come to see that what's easy isn't helping me free myself from my tormented cycle.
Anything worth doing is going to be hard.
For my own happiness, it's worth fighting for.
My most recent drawing of Sadist. No idea if I'll color it or add some more to drawing yet.
Sometimes we need to be reminded of the beauty of the natural world. It's autumn. Leaves are falling. So many nice colors.
How has everyone been fairing? Me? I have been having difficulties still with sudden panic. I have built in alot of self-harming programming to self sabotage with anything life related over a large chunk of my life. Easy daily things up to actual tedious/hard tasks. This does tell me two things. I have GAD. But more importantly, I have a maturity issue both mentally and emotionally.
I've spent alot of time getting myself together. And in truth, I have alot of things I do every day that have hampered my ability to better myself. One is a constant expectation for everything to somehow go wrong, then getting yelled at or talked down to for my mistake. I have been taking a look at possibly have GAD again in light of everything. Panic where nothing is happening to cause it.
Letting go is not an easy thing, when you put yourself in years of programming. 27 years of it for me. You start to forget why you are in this position to begin with. However, I have begun addressing what I didn't wish to address originally.
No matter what life throws at you, mistakes can be fixed. You can move past them. But if you fail yourself, that is damage that lasts a lifetime. NEVER fail yourself.
This clip is the embodiment of encountering something both confusing and uncomfortable lol
Feeling particularly good tonight. Hanging out eatting some tortilla chips and some of the salsa that my Uncle and I jarred last year. Plus side to that is that we know what's in it and it's garden fresh.
For the first time in my life, I took back control from my overwhelmed state. Let pass my negative thoughts, and avoided saying that I can't do it. I just proved that negative belief of not being able to do it wrong. But it's put into perspective how deeply rooted my default habits are. That it's going to take more than I've ever done to override my first instinct.
I'm not exactly in the best mood today. Getting a reminder AGAIN from my Uncle about how horrible my parents are and how kids of my relatives who are on the spectrum got taken care of better. All that does is make me jealous, reminding me like that.
Though Idk if I am pissed at my Uncle, or my neglectful parents more.
My oc Ambrosia made in a game I am playing atm. -
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