Summergirl1986
New Member
I have never seriously thought I could be autistic(it would be what used to be called Asperger's and a mild version), but a psychiatrist I saw recently for something unrelated thought I might be and that I should be evaluated. I'm 33 and had never seen anyone for mental health before. I had trouble in school and was home schooled after a month or two of first grade. I went to college and graduated, but never made friends at the first college I attended, though I did great in the classroom. I never went out of my way to talk to anyone beyond that, though. It was a community college. I went to a four year college at age 21 and never fit in with my fellow students or connected with the professors. I thought it was because I was mature for my age, in the case of not being to connect with my fellow students, and also since I was dealing with abusive family members and being anxious and depressed. I spent my time trying to make friends on the internet who had similiar interests to me at the community college I attended(history and literature), because I couldn't connect with my fellow students beyond briefly in class. I thought it was because I had been homeschooled and not around people especially those my own age for years except briefly at jobs or church. I never liked most church socializing. In fact, I hated much of it and left organized religion over that.
When I was a child, though, I had plenty of friends in kindergarten and first grade and loved to socialize, and I had a best friend in the neighborhood up until the time I was homeschooled. Then my parents said I could no longer play with kids in the neighborhood or anywhere. I took that hard. So I grew up very alone and I always thought I just lost the ability to connect with people and that having a different life and interests than most people made it hard to connect with people. And also that I simply didn't want to connect with some people and wasn't good at small talk. I had trouble with one girl in school who was kind of a bully, but otherwise got along fine except maybe I would play with the boys a lot at recess who were kind of rough and that stood out.
I never had trouble with eye contact until I was 20 that I'm aware of (well, I guess I always had a tendency to look around me more than at a person's eyes and to stare once in awhile) and that started because someone thought I was staring at them in a certain way when I wasn't when I wasn't and then I became more and more anxious about eye contact and not making people uncomfortable with eye contact to the point it got harder and harder to make it and it hurts to be forced to do so sometimes and it's like a reflex to look down. I always thought that related to anxiety, though.When I was in college later on, I found it very hard to participate in class due to that. And I also lost interest in wanting to participate in class, anyway. My grades went down and my G.P.A ended up not so great.
I have a lot of interests like history, true crime, and literature that not everybody does as well as more mainstream interests like celebrities. I did collect things as a child, like dolphins, baseball cards, seashells etc that I would get obsessed with sometimes for a time,other times for a long time. But so did my brother who no one would ever call autistic I don't think.He grew up homeschooled like me. I would even collect random cut outs from magazines as a child and carry them around when I was like 8 in a folder.Someone said I looked like a little teacher and I took offense. Whether I lined things up I don't remember entirely.
Much of my life I have always liked the familiar and routines which have changed with the years but I grew up with parents into routines and sticking with the same things so it could just be that.When I was a child, I once liked the texture and shape of things like a certain kind of erasers in first grade that I would play with repetitiously and disliked things like the texture of windbreaker/or athletic type jackets because it was too smooth and I didn't like how it was on my skin. I am still like that, to less of an extent. I hated it when my mother made me windpants which were popular in the 1990s. I couldn't stand how they felt, but she made me wear this pair over and over. Or I didn't like the silky material that's the end of some blankets. When I was a child I wouldn't wear jeans for years because of how they felt. I would only wear leggings, which popular in the 1990s. My parents didn't care and I was homeschooled by then. I liked velvet after a certain point as a child because of how it felt. Today, I like the textures of certain blankets and comforters. Since my late childhood years won't wear shoes with laces in general unless they feel tight/and don't come untied very often. I always thought that was just personal preference.
When I was a child, I was okay with loud tv and music. After my young adult years I have come to not like noise from a tv, although I can stand it, unless it is a movie or something I want to see(very rare) and I don't own a tv or watch online streaming or anything. But I grew up without tv until I was 8 and never liked watching much after I grew too old for kids programming. I don't mind loud music today.
When I was younger, I used to flap my hands when I was excited- when I was a child, which my mother thought was odd. My brother picked it up. I rarely do that as adult. When I was a child, I had to be sent to a kids dentist because I would do things like refuse xrays at the dentist. I guess I didn't like the way it felt. Sometimes, I have wondered if I had ADHD because it can be hard for me to concentrate on things I'm not interested in and I didn't like sitting in classrooms in college especially when it was something I didn't find interesting.
I haven't worked since 2010 because I fear being fired over things like lack of eye contact and social skills. I worked at a history museum as a teenager and could talk to visitors there on and on but mainly about history and tourism/traveling/ different places (it was a museum that was only open during the tourist season) and those are things I find interesting. Today, I ''talk'' in writing about those kinds of things on social media with people, which didn't exist in 2002. I like tourism and traveling but have never had the money and fear traveling alone. I have GAD. I did have trouble with things like calling credit cards though because it was overwhelming and I feared making a mistake. I worked at a small town sub sandwich restaurant after that at the age of 17 or 18 and couldn't connect with the small town people I dealt with. I thought it was because I don't like small towns and have never fit in them and have trouble connecting with those who do like small towns. I tried to be friendly and I loved the job but I was ''let go'' after three months (when it wasn't very busy and I think I was the most expendable employee) for things like putting too much meat on sandwiches, not wearing appropriate work clothing, lacking the ability to do small talk and be ''friendly'', and I think, seeming anxious and overwhelmed when the place was busy. These issues were never mentioned to me until I was fired for them, though. I never got the opportunity to correct them. The only other job I have ever had was doing custodial stuff at a college I went to. That went fine.
I do enjoy social media, but even then it can be hard to connect with people unless they like specific things like the 1920s, as I do. I think if I am autistic, it's very mild, but I might just lean towards it. My problems in first grade I didn't go into, but I would things like not play games in gym class the right way, like walking on a black line on the gym floor. I would walk on another one or something. I threw a pencil at a girl I didn't get along with who was probably a slight bully. It was aimed right at her from my desk. I was generally a gentle kid though. I was eight going on 18 as a kid later on, and reading serious books meant for high school age-adults at age 9 or 10, but even age 8. I had a lot of trouble adjusting from first grade to kindergarten because I still did things like it was kindergarten. When I was a very young child, I would get scared of things like a discarded flowerpot on a street or wind shield wipers..this could just be random stuff I remember. When I was 7, I was obsessed with a particular book even before I could read. It was based on the movie Free Willy, although I had never seen the movie. Just some things I remember. This was a lot of typing, but I think although maybe written fast, it's understandable.
When I was a child, though, I had plenty of friends in kindergarten and first grade and loved to socialize, and I had a best friend in the neighborhood up until the time I was homeschooled. Then my parents said I could no longer play with kids in the neighborhood or anywhere. I took that hard. So I grew up very alone and I always thought I just lost the ability to connect with people and that having a different life and interests than most people made it hard to connect with people. And also that I simply didn't want to connect with some people and wasn't good at small talk. I had trouble with one girl in school who was kind of a bully, but otherwise got along fine except maybe I would play with the boys a lot at recess who were kind of rough and that stood out.
I never had trouble with eye contact until I was 20 that I'm aware of (well, I guess I always had a tendency to look around me more than at a person's eyes and to stare once in awhile) and that started because someone thought I was staring at them in a certain way when I wasn't when I wasn't and then I became more and more anxious about eye contact and not making people uncomfortable with eye contact to the point it got harder and harder to make it and it hurts to be forced to do so sometimes and it's like a reflex to look down. I always thought that related to anxiety, though.When I was in college later on, I found it very hard to participate in class due to that. And I also lost interest in wanting to participate in class, anyway. My grades went down and my G.P.A ended up not so great.
I have a lot of interests like history, true crime, and literature that not everybody does as well as more mainstream interests like celebrities. I did collect things as a child, like dolphins, baseball cards, seashells etc that I would get obsessed with sometimes for a time,other times for a long time. But so did my brother who no one would ever call autistic I don't think.He grew up homeschooled like me. I would even collect random cut outs from magazines as a child and carry them around when I was like 8 in a folder.Someone said I looked like a little teacher and I took offense. Whether I lined things up I don't remember entirely.
Much of my life I have always liked the familiar and routines which have changed with the years but I grew up with parents into routines and sticking with the same things so it could just be that.When I was a child, I once liked the texture and shape of things like a certain kind of erasers in first grade that I would play with repetitiously and disliked things like the texture of windbreaker/or athletic type jackets because it was too smooth and I didn't like how it was on my skin. I am still like that, to less of an extent. I hated it when my mother made me windpants which were popular in the 1990s. I couldn't stand how they felt, but she made me wear this pair over and over. Or I didn't like the silky material that's the end of some blankets. When I was a child I wouldn't wear jeans for years because of how they felt. I would only wear leggings, which popular in the 1990s. My parents didn't care and I was homeschooled by then. I liked velvet after a certain point as a child because of how it felt. Today, I like the textures of certain blankets and comforters. Since my late childhood years won't wear shoes with laces in general unless they feel tight/and don't come untied very often. I always thought that was just personal preference.
When I was a child, I was okay with loud tv and music. After my young adult years I have come to not like noise from a tv, although I can stand it, unless it is a movie or something I want to see(very rare) and I don't own a tv or watch online streaming or anything. But I grew up without tv until I was 8 and never liked watching much after I grew too old for kids programming. I don't mind loud music today.
When I was younger, I used to flap my hands when I was excited- when I was a child, which my mother thought was odd. My brother picked it up. I rarely do that as adult. When I was a child, I had to be sent to a kids dentist because I would do things like refuse xrays at the dentist. I guess I didn't like the way it felt. Sometimes, I have wondered if I had ADHD because it can be hard for me to concentrate on things I'm not interested in and I didn't like sitting in classrooms in college especially when it was something I didn't find interesting.
I haven't worked since 2010 because I fear being fired over things like lack of eye contact and social skills. I worked at a history museum as a teenager and could talk to visitors there on and on but mainly about history and tourism/traveling/ different places (it was a museum that was only open during the tourist season) and those are things I find interesting. Today, I ''talk'' in writing about those kinds of things on social media with people, which didn't exist in 2002. I like tourism and traveling but have never had the money and fear traveling alone. I have GAD. I did have trouble with things like calling credit cards though because it was overwhelming and I feared making a mistake. I worked at a small town sub sandwich restaurant after that at the age of 17 or 18 and couldn't connect with the small town people I dealt with. I thought it was because I don't like small towns and have never fit in them and have trouble connecting with those who do like small towns. I tried to be friendly and I loved the job but I was ''let go'' after three months (when it wasn't very busy and I think I was the most expendable employee) for things like putting too much meat on sandwiches, not wearing appropriate work clothing, lacking the ability to do small talk and be ''friendly'', and I think, seeming anxious and overwhelmed when the place was busy. These issues were never mentioned to me until I was fired for them, though. I never got the opportunity to correct them. The only other job I have ever had was doing custodial stuff at a college I went to. That went fine.
I do enjoy social media, but even then it can be hard to connect with people unless they like specific things like the 1920s, as I do. I think if I am autistic, it's very mild, but I might just lean towards it. My problems in first grade I didn't go into, but I would things like not play games in gym class the right way, like walking on a black line on the gym floor. I would walk on another one or something. I threw a pencil at a girl I didn't get along with who was probably a slight bully. It was aimed right at her from my desk. I was generally a gentle kid though. I was eight going on 18 as a kid later on, and reading serious books meant for high school age-adults at age 9 or 10, but even age 8. I had a lot of trouble adjusting from first grade to kindergarten because I still did things like it was kindergarten. When I was a very young child, I would get scared of things like a discarded flowerpot on a street or wind shield wipers..this could just be random stuff I remember. When I was 7, I was obsessed with a particular book even before I could read. It was based on the movie Free Willy, although I had never seen the movie. Just some things I remember. This was a lot of typing, but I think although maybe written fast, it's understandable.
