Wish I could find a girl to even hang out with me

[Tony Ramirez]

No wonder my generation is the forgotten. Count then I only have one girl my age in my contact and one British girl I was nervous to get her number. Every other is a Gen Z or millennium. Even the women I follow online mostly Christian are the same. Even when I walk the streets or use to go to events or go to yoga it either the baby boomers or the Gen Z or Millennials and that's it. Where are the 40s singles women. Nowhere. Frustrated. Not in church or anywhere. I try to make new friends with Christians at church and online but all I end up is making friends with 20s and 30s somethings no matter what because that's all I encounter, couples or singles.

Also they sure like all the music I grew up with which is great to share with them.

 

[Seladon]

I know someone personally who did just that. He was in his early 40s at the time. She turned out to be genuine about it all too. They have a son, he's around eight years old I think. Sometimes those arrangements work out....though I wouldn't want to try something like that myself.

Can you save up money and travel to one of the countries known for "mail order brides"? Those kinds of relationships may be transactional to start (both parties receiving something of value) but it's a fact that sometimes they end up being relationships that last long term and involve love.

Had to pick up my jaw reading this. Are we unironically promoting bro tourism now?

Let’s flip the script, so you can better understand how stomach-turning this suggestion is: would you think it ethically sound and palatable if a middle-aged woman travelled to another country and selected a young man in personal financial strife, and asked or pressured him to sell himself as her new/next husband in exchange for a ‘better life’?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Too make matters worse actually I don't see it as a worse I actually look 15 years younger than my actual age so when I tell my younger friends my actual age they are shocked by the age and the year 1977 I was born.

 

[Magna]

Let’s flip the script, so you can better understand how stomach-turning this suggestion is: would you think it ethically sound and palatable if a middle-aged woman travelled to another country and selected a young man in personal financial strife, and asked or pressured him to sell himself as her new/next husband in exchange for a ‘better life’?

^ How or why would your example above be wrong? I personally see no difference.

What's your opinion on arranged marriages?

What about if a billionaire intent on finding a woman to be an a committed monogamous relationship with, put an ad out looking for a romantic long term relationship with a woman?

 

[Judge]

Had to pick up my jaw reading this. Are we unironically promoting bro tourism now?

Let’s flip the script, so you can better understand how stomach-turning this suggestion is: would you think it ethically sound and palatable if a middle-aged woman traveled to another country and selected a young man in personal financial strife, and asked or pressured him to sell himself as her new/next husband in exchange for a ‘better life’?

The pursuit of love and/or sex isn't necessarily driven by ethical considerations any more than those engaged in all kinds of forms of what may amount to as prostitution, apart from pure desperation. Namely the offering of one's self or using one's talents for a subjectively "unworthy purpose", especially for personal gain.

In essence there's nothing unusual about those who can and do anything to survive. All compounded in capitalist societies whose most common denominators reflect a mathematical relationship between supply, demand and earnings.

It's just another reality of our species, for better and for worse. Not an issue to argue for or against, but to simply recognize that it happens.

 

[Seladon]

^ How or why would your example above be wrong? I personally see no difference.

What's your opinion on arranged marriages?

What about if a billionaire put an ad out looking for a romantic long term relationship with a woman?

We clearly have a fundamental difference of opinion on this, then, because I don’t particularly agree with either example. Then again, I take a dim view of conventional/traditional marriage in any event (at root and historically it involves treating a woman as chattel, and shades of that origin linger to this day), so I’m probably not the person you’d want to hear from or argue with on the subject.

Tourism bros are not ones to admire nor emulate, let’s just leave it at that.

 

[Judge]

What about if a billionaire put an ad out looking for a romantic long term relationship with a woman?

Substitute the billionaire for a Network Programming division of a corporate communications conglomerate.

For ratings and an audience share. Not for love.

Welcome to America.

 

[Magna]

Substitute the billionaire for a Network Programming division of a corporate communications conglomerate.

For ratings and an audience share. Not for love.

Welcome to America.

My point being, the power dynamic between a male billionaire and virtually any other female on the planet would be tremendously imbalanced. Meaning, he would be using is status, wealth and position to attract a mate who would, presumably, consent to wanting to marry and live with him. Should the billionaire simply not date or be in a relationship because of the imbalance?

Does that not bear similarity to a man marrying a woman from another country and bringing her back to live in the U.S. a woman who would, presumably, consent to wanting to marry and live with him.

 

[Judge]

Should the billionaire simply not date or be in a relationship because of the imbalance?

Imagine if billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was here to comment.

Where anything and anyone was a mere commodity to him, to be purchased at any price.

That hubris can drive such considerations as well, apart from desperation.

 

[Magna]

Imagine if billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was here to comment.

Where anything and anyone was a mere commodity to him, to be purchased at any price.

That hubris can drive such considerations as well, apart from desperation.

Point taken. I'll edit my post to iterate that this theoretical billionaire would be looking for one woman to be in a committed monogamous relationship even if the edit runs the risk of us getting lost in the details that matter less than the idea itself.

 

[Judge]

Point taken. I'll edit my post to iterate that this theoretical billionaire would be looking for one woman to be in a committed monogamous relationship even if the edit runs the risk of us getting lost in the details that matter less than the idea itself.

Provided you can actually find a billionaire with ethics. In theory, at least.

"Only little people pay taxes." - Leona Helmsley

 

[Magna]

Provided you can actually find a billionaire with ethics. In theory, at least.

"Only little people pay taxes." - Leona Helmsley

In theory.

 

[Judge]

In theory.

Well...one can always hope.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Too make matters worse actually I don't see it as a worse I actually look 15 years younger than my actual age so when I tell my younger friends my actual age they are shocked by the age and the year 1977 I was born.

Reminds me 1977 was the year Star Wars came out and the world of science fiction and pop culture would be changed forever

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Reminds me 1977 was the year Star Wars came out and the world of science fiction and pop culture would be changed forever

I love that movie. That is why I am proud of being born that year. What a legend of a movie.

 

[paloftoon]

No I believe her. She is not lying. She was really sick last week. Many of you have trust issues. I did too which is why I did not trust anyone for 15 years. I read the horror stories from other bloggers and people from reddit and man they know rotten toxic people. The people I know are good Christian people I trust. She is a good Christian person. Sorry you all have trust issues.

Granted, I had trust issues because that is how I was brought up. I learned from talking with other people and experiencing all kinds of things until I could figure out on my own a healthy balance. Being okay with a balance of planning and going with the flow, reasonably high expectations, and not wanting to chat online endlessly so that I could connect with real people, using online tools as positive tools to possibly meet people or move on after 2 weeks of possible social anxiety from others helped me get through.

You being a white man, attractive physical features, and probably not exposed to a diversity of people, your overly broad sentiment isn't realistic. While what you say may have some truth about how you don't want to live a life of total paranoia and one should take educated risks with trust, your blanket statement of "all the rest of us having trust issues" and "knowing" you reasonably well enough on this forum, you really don't see the full picture. You don't have the race or sexuality issues that are usually invisible that many minorities have to face- and it gives them good reason to be reasonably cautious.

We have all been discriminated for our "disability"/ "disabilities" most likely and if you haven't been, most likely you haven't noticed. The struggle is real, but so are building positive elements and finding ways to trust that help us elevate our social status and quality of life.

Your involvement with Christian values and being part of the community gives you reason to trust things at least on a platonic level but romantic anything is a totally different "ball game". You have this thread in the dating forum- so you're hoping for something romantic even though you're starting off platonic. Things to consider.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Not a date meaning going to to the movies, or out to dinner or anything like that. But a simple walk in the park or a hot coffee, chocolate I seem to get turned down every time. I usually don't strait out ask directly though. I will ask just like I would not mind joining you and get a response like I like to go alone. Or in a more recent text with the very nice Christian girl I meet at the coffee shop only because a friend was there and she approached us. I just indirectly asked in a text since she could not make it for the third week to church. Last week she was sick and she could not partake in our activities we did with our friends. She politely said that we can see each other during service when it resume back normal time. However she was very happy with my accomplishment I made the past two weeks.

What am I doing wrong if anything and please don't blame my autism because I am way more socaliable than before. Both of my therapists and friends see it. Many are surprised when I tell them I have autism for the first time. I even maintain eye contact better now.

She is not a mind reader. Why don't you ask her out for a stroll or refreshment while you listen to her and get to know her better. You have come so far, so you need to take that final step for connection! Good luck, Tony, I wish you success.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am angry. Most likely my only chance to hang out with a girl (coffee shop girl friends with) at the park this Saturday is ruined because it's going to rain. Once again rain ruins everything in my life. Before you say try something indoors it won't work as they only hang out with me in organized events and with groups. This was a once in a lifetime church organized event where only me and her was going to hang out at the park, no groups or anything, I hate the rain, it's like I life in stupid Seattle or something.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Tony Ramirez

Anger is inappropriate. I hope you're disappointed, because in general anger is bad for you

Rain is an external cause that you can't influence, and that doesn't ruin your life. It has minor effects that cause you to be disappointed.

It's not a "once in a lifetime" event. It's a moderately rare event in a very different life that started a few months ago, and it's barely Springtime, so walks in the park weren't ideal activities for most of your new life.
Exaggeration amplifies the negative response and their negative effects.

I'll take a chance, and tell you something I've considered and rejected many times in the past.
This is linked to the "hugs require confidence of safety" posts I've made.

Anger and resentment signal the absence of safety. You may not think they are visible to women, but they are, via mechanisms like the ones I described a few days ago. It's like a "female repulsion field", and it's very "effective".
Not just for blocking initial contacts. Remove the sense of safety and you're weakening one of the "must have" requirements of even a casual social relationship.

Aspies are terrible at hiding these things. NT's are generally quite bad at it too BTW). You should assume that if you feel an inappropriate negative emotion that it's "subliminally" sensed by people nearby - functionally, the "repulsion field" is real.

(In case anyone is thinking "some women like chaos". This is true - but if you were going to get together with one of them if would have happened already, long ago. In this case, it's an irrelevant truth)

@Tony Ramirez again:

Hopefully you've been told about emotional regulation and management by a therapist. If not, I suggest you ask.

Anger is natural, and it's not useless. But when it flares up over small stull it should be regulated.
Letting anger push you into externalizing blame for trivial stuff, or for things beyond your control, is the opposite: emotional dysregulation. This is one of this defining characteristics of "Karen behavior".

If you display that to a female friend, you will weaken the friendship. If they think it might be directed at them you'll nuke the friendship.

You're ready to address this. And if you try (with help on suitable techniques), you'll succeed.

Do it now. One friendship is more than enough motivation for this.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thanks @Hypnalis you explained a lot. I should not get angry. I will see her again. We are suppose to do an early morning prayer at 5 am. Then go to the good friday service. Also they did reschedule the park event the next day so maybe she can make it. Also she should be at church on Easter Sunday,. I just hope I am not jinxing this saying all of this ahead of time.