Why would you come back?

[Jane Smith]

Hello all,

Recently, I went on a date with an Aspie (Who I have actually talked about a lot on this site), and we had a REALLY good time. I left feeling really good about it, and he seemed very enthusiastic. He wanted me to message him afterwards to continue talking.

I had never seen John as happy as he was after we hung out. So, I was pretty confident about the whole thing. John has depression, and never smiles. But he wouldn't stop smiling with me. It was wonderful.

Right before I went to go plan a second date, two things happened. First, I found out he had a girlfriend. He has never told me he had a girlfriend before. I've known him for two years, and he always called her a "friend". Second, my extremely manipulative sister was put on the same project he was at work.

Right after my sister and him had a meeting, John became extremely cold. When I attempted to talk to him about his girlfriend, and about seeing him again....he ended our relationship before the conversation could even begin. He told me he didn't want to be friends.

I asked him why, but he wouldn't answer. I got upset. I told him I was confused and angry. He still wouldn't answer.

Feeling bad, I apologized afterwards. Maybe there was just a misunderstanding? I told him I understood his new boundaries. Then I told him goodbye and left him alone. John unfollowed me on all social media. I haven't really heard from him since. There was no explanation. Except for him having a girlfriend, I couldn't figure out what I did wrong.

Three weeks later, I reached out to him again. I apologized to him about everything. I had no idea he had a girlfriend, but I realized that might be a reason why he would want to stop talking to me. I asked if it would be okay for us to at least be on neutral terms. That way if I ever bumped into him at work, we wouldn't get into an argument.

I made it very clear to him that I wanted to respect his girlfriend, and the situation. I also kept the message clear, and professional.

He finally responded and told me that I made him feel uncomfortable. Then he told me to stop communication.

I have no idea how I made him feel uncomfortable, but I took his word for it. I didn't ask him questions. I didn't ask for elaboration. I just told him thank you and that I understood. Then I stopped communication immediately, and made sure to unfollow him on social media.

I've already begun to move on. It's sad because John was a close friend. I was sad I would never see him again. We had a good relationship. But, I can't dwell on it, and it seems like from this site most Aspies don't come back after things like this.

John's words also seemed pretty concrete. He said he didn't want to talk to me ever again, and that he didn't want to even be friends. So, I didn't question it.

However, the people around me feel like something doesn't quite seem right. Not everything lined up. They felt like maybe he would come back; However, I would just have to give him time.

I don't understand why he would come back, though. I am very very confused. He told me how he felt. Why would he mean something different?

 

[pamelaperejil]

Wow.

That sucks, but if I were you I would let it go. In the first place, you didn't do anything wrong. In the second place, he seems up to his eyeballs in drama already.

I know how it feels to find that special someone and not want to let go, but I think you deserve better than this.

I would close this case. In the unlikely event that there's some plausible explanation, he can come to you. As it is right now, it looks like you're chasing after someone who doesn't have much respect for you. You're probably better off without him. I can imagine a situation that would justify his behavior to you.

 

[BraidedPony]

Your sister said something to him to sabotage your relationship. Just my opinion.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

Ask your sister maybe she told him stuff about you cuz she thought he was not good match for you or smth.
He lied to you already why you want to deal with him, then if you get with him you might be his next GF he will cheat upon.

 

[Monachopia]

It sounds like a painful situation, especially with no real explanation, I can see why you're confused and lost.

Maybe he's just not as nice a person as you thought he was - after all, he didn't tell you that he had a girlfriend... If anything, I think he had major anxiety kick in over his gf finding out about the date so he blocked you out because you found out about his dishonesty and lie. That high anxious state over his life potentially falling apart could swing someone to suddenly change into a seemingly cold and uncaring person. Maybe your sister maliciously planted the seed of doubt that you would go and ruin his relationship with the other woman. Who knows what people are capable of?

Please take away this - you didn't do anything wrong. This isn't your fault. He may have been a nice person to know as a friend, but as anything more, he is clearly very dishonest. I know it hurts, but he's probably not the best person to know in the long term. It's best to let him go.

 

[paloftoon]

OP, it sounds like this guy realizes later on that he made a mistake and since he is too embarrassed to be honest about it, and since he feels that simply trying to communicate with you would be cheating, he probably has to right his wrongs by avoiding you, at least while he is committed to another girl. I'm sorry that he put you through this. Sometimes, us humans don't realize what we're doing. Best you can do is leave the door open, but let him initiate and apologize to you. Also, keep looking around and improving yourself. I wish you well.

 

[BirdsNest]

A girlfriend is an issue, he should have told you. He possibly feels guilty.