Why I don't stick up for myself

[pelecanus87]

I have very slow language processing, I often misunderstand what people say, and since I have Asperger's, it is often the case that when someone gives me a hard time, there is some merit to what they're saying.

For these reasons, when I catch some static from somebody, I'm usually too slow to respond, unconfident that I adequately understood/interpreted what was said, or I simply assume that I've acted stupidly and DESERVE to be criticized.

I think everyone else has been developing their skills in these situations. But I have learned to defer to whatever asshole is giving me a hard time. It sucks.

 

[Crossbreed]

That is a complicated question. With slow language processing, it makes it difficult to determine if what the other person is saying is accurate or not.

If it is accurate, it gives us an opportunity to improve ourselves (a good thing).

If it isn't, it is necessary that we assert ourselves in disagreement.

If we get defensive and confuse the two, we lose twice.

The best thing you can do is:

1. Tell the other person that it takes time for you to process some things.
2. Ask them to slow down in their speaking, and
3. Take some time to consider what they are saying, before responding.

The Bible says (in James 1:19),
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,..."

 

[Lady Penelope]

I have a little of what you describe and i find taking a moment before responding helps. Try not to feel a rush to respond straight away. This takes practise to develop confident ways to gain space and time to gather your thoughts. Have a standard line like; give me a minute to gather my thoughts on that please
or
let me consider it and get back to you

Or a simple; what you are saying doesn't make sense can you say it another way?

 

[WereBear]

I would consider the source

Listen to trusted people more than just some jerk, perhaps?

 

[toothless]

i have the same issue as you pelecanus i have severe issues with understanding language [whether spoken or written] and i can get very angry or upset with people when they had meant something innocent.
i tend to just ignore them now [saying yes/no where i think it needs to go,but zoning out the rest of their crap] and talk to someone i trust later to ask what the person had meant or i check the dictionary and i see what their words mean.
if its online,like on a forum i may speak to a moderator i trust and ask if it had been malicious,or i may express it on a forum in order to get it out of my head.

have you been tested for auditory processing disorder @pelecanus87 ?
i have language difficulties as a throwback to being severely classic autistic and having [mild] intellectual disability,ive never been tested for APD before, not even sure if its in the european/ICD manual.

 

[kbb0]

I have the same problem. The times when people say things that are hurtful and unwarranted (even if it's unintentional) I usually in the moment go along with whatever's being said even when I feel uncomfortable because I don't have enough time to process it and understand. It's later on after thinking about it that I realize what's bothering me. Unfortunately with strangers and people you only see once I haven't found a way to deal with this problem yet but with people you care about it's good to learn how to bring up a topic from the past and gently talk about how it made you feel. I usually have to practice what I'm going to say a bunch of times (language and memory difficulties) but when I talk to the person it usually goes well. Obviously this gets trickier with people you are forced to be around who aren't the most understanding (coworkers/managers, family that doesn't treat you well), but I try my best to keep the kind and patient people in my life and affiliate with the others as little as possible. My roommate who used to get frustrated at having to repeat themself for the sake of my auditory processing disorder now is so patient with me, and actually enjoys explaining jokes to me because of how they get to laugh at a joke twice. Not everyone will be this person in your life but if you can have at least one of them it helps to have someone to verify if something is true or not, and to decompress with when you get upset.

 

[pelecanus87]

i have the same issue as you pelecanus i have severe issues with understanding language [whether spoken or written] and i can get very angry or upset with people when they had meant something innocent.
i tend to just ignore them now [saying yes/no where i think it needs to go,but zoning out the rest of their crap] and talk to someone i trust later to ask what the person had meant or i check the dictionary and i see what their words mean.
if its online,like on a forum i may speak to a moderator i trust and ask if it had been malicious,or i may express it on a forum in order to get it out of my head.

have you been tested for auditory processing disorder @pelecanus87 ?
i have language difficulties as a throwback to being severely classic autistic and having [mild] intellectual disability,ive never been tested for APD before, not even sure if its in the european/ICD manual.

I was suspected auditory processing disorder even before receiving an Asperger's diagnosis. I even went to a language specialist which was recommended by my therapist. However, I was never formally tested for APD. I would like to be tested for it though.

I wonder, is there anything online that might fall into the "unofficial, but still somewhat accurate" category for APD testing?

 

[OneTrackMind]

In many ways I feel we tend to see more of what is really going on than neurotypical individuals because we are not; so fast to process. More to the point ... that despite being slower to communicate and for many like myself struggling with racing thoughts, I choose to see the barrier being that the majority of people are processes too fast. Let's face it; the world operates at optical speeds.

For sure there are many times I just allow others to barrage me with their insensitive need to dump the way they do. This difficulty in communication is not just something I see as a one way streak. None the less I should do more to explain to others that I have trouble taking things in and keeping up. Generally I don't because most times I have done that, I get some pretty weird looks and I also tend to give into negativity where I allude that they themselves need to slow down regardless of my own difficulties. People don't mind seeing others as impaired, but often take offense at the notion they could be processing too fast.

I find this to be especially the case more in public service facilities. One thing I do find helpful is to simply let people dump what they must and then at the end of it all ... do my best to remain calm and then explain something along the lines of "Srry I missed all that, I am unable to retain my own phone number, and have trouble hearing. Would you mind slowing down please?" Sadly some people will repeat things in a sarcastic voice ... like then patronize me, but then some people are pretty good. They might even realise that despite my own inability that they actually do need to slow down.

Srry if this does not relate specifically to post. I understand what is being said about being stunned whilst others think due to lack of response they have been given some kind of right to barrage and must be correct. It happens all the time to me. Especially my wife. : ) Sometimes it just is easier not to react. Lately I have been reacting to others that are not my family. I held my hand up the other day at the hospital like a gooses head rapidly snapping my fingers open and shut making an accompany sound of quack quack quack. I did this to the lady that was reading at lightening speed in her rather heartless tone. I was at the same time looking in all directions but ignoring her completely. She was reading something that I had to sign. I was about ready to explode but thankfully my duck impersonation help me keep it together whilst another nurse came over and smiled. I just smiled backed and watch her relish in how her comrade just copped a mouth full from a duck.

Sigh ... my wife was not impressed and says that's the last time I can come in with her to places like that. This morning we are to see my therapist. LOL

Is not all bad ... Whilst a lot of the time people think my inability to respond validates their own behavior, I do at times remind myself that silence is a powerful tool. Most of the time it highlights just how crazy others sound. Therefore I will often just ride with the silence concertinaing on not allowing myself to explode/negatively react. (as can often be the case for me/beat myself up) In a fast paced world this seems more of an issue for others than it does me. (not keeping up/when not allowing myself to be negatively affected that is) Is much better to just accept it and let others live with their own negative behaviors when the case is such.

Very interesting topic. TY