Why aren't you social?

[Tom]

I think a lot of my avoidance of social interactions is because it is just too stressful to be enjoyable. I can view going to a party with the same enthusiasm as a visit to the dentist. So the motivation to socialize is not just missing, its in reverse.

 

[King_Oni]

I don't know how to be. I keep trying, though it gets harder after every failure, because for the short time I get to be around others I feel happier.. right up until they start ignoring me.
Why do they do that?

I suspect people ignore you if you're not bringing anything to the table. That seems to be that weird "rule" with social interaction. Even if it's small talk, it's good, provided it's fun small talk. Starting a philosophical debate about the current elections might not be it, lol.

It seems people easily notice that some of us aren't as talkative I guess and in their eyes we're probably not worth their time.

 

[Judge]

I suspect people ignore you if you're not bringing anything to the table. That seems to be that weird "rule" with social interaction. Even if it's small talk, it's good, provided it's fun small talk. Starting a philosophical debate about the current elections might not be it, lol.

It seems people easily notice that some of us aren't as talkative I guess and in their eyes we're probably not worth their time.

This strikes me as a critical NT social dynamic. And one that is likely to be inherently difficult for Aspies to deal with. I know I feel much the same about myself in this regard. Sometimes I can enter the fray, and other times I'm clueless about what to say. The more benign the conversation, often the more difficult it is to know what to say. Considerations of both timing and knowing what to say in a real-time situation...not easy things for us to process.

And King_Oni is spot-on about the risks of your input that might be perceived as contrary to the flow of the conversation.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

There is a trick that's worked for me. A sensitive NT (if there's one in the group) may notice it and remember me favorably later.

If I decide to be curious about someone, I'll make it a deliberate (and slow) focused effort to really see them, to tune to them. I don't talk much, and when I do, it's a "helper comment" suggesting agreement or interest or commonality, and inviting disclosure by revealing something about me that matches something about them.

• Vocal inflection: slightly slower speech, longer pauses, neutral tone;
  
• Posture: slightly tipped head, alert look blinking just fast enough to not stare). I'm told the tipped head is a female thing, but hey, I play the cards I have. It's the obvious "I'm listening" signal.

It's a chess game with real people for pieces. But it pays off in spades if the target is someone feeling similarly overwhelmed (behavior: undertalking, posture: aloof, position: surrounded by people, not at edge or corner).

Silent attention gives this person an option to move into the space I've created, and which I've created for them.

Also worked fine across genders and sexes. My intentions weren't amorous. I just wanted to see if I could do it. I picked up two friends that way (until the usual aspie dynamic took over). Nice while it lasted.

So one thing we aspies bring to the table is that we don't compete for the space, but if we are choosing to be audience, other people not "at the top" of the pyramid are grateful. We can be a refuge for others, if we want to be.

 

[Spiller]

So this is a way of 'Playing the Social Game' where you've substituted recognising a niche Aspie specialty (not competing for space) and utilising some nicely observed body language, for that innate knowledge we all struggle with.
But how do you know you've recognised the 'person in need' and not a 'needy person' - ie: someone you can form a temporary alliance with (and I agree, they are temporary!), Vs someone who you can't easily distance yourself from later, if necessary?
I seem to catch the latter when I have the opportunity to go fishing like this and have been rather taken advantage of over the years as a result; this has cost me a lot of time and money I'll never recoup. I believe I'm missing some crucial aspect of their body language as someone else will invariably tell me much later that they didn't like them anyway.

 

[watersprite]

But how do you know you've recognized 'the person in need' and not 'a needy person' - ie: someone you can form a temporary alliance with (and I agree they are temporary!), vs someone who you can't easily distance yourself from later, if necessary?

In my life I haven't recognized this happening until way too late. Other people told me later, 'that perspn was abusive, or that person isn't trustworthy'. But they did not say anything in the present; NT have the assumption of 'buyer beware'?

 

[StephF]

I'm as social as I want to be. I have no wish to socialize with Mundanes who want to jabber about what celebrity is doing what to whom, the latest fashions, trends on Facebook. It is beneath me !

Approach me with an intelligent topic of discussion or something upon which I am interested in then you'll find me much more open.

 

[Häxan]

I have a very small amount of truly good friends, although most of them are spread out half way across the world, so I am social with them on the internet, in real life I have my family. That is my main social activities other than some slight socializing on the internet like this forum.

I don't really have a longing to socialize more than that, I have no need for it. I don't drink or like going out to the pub or parties, I can't stand being around drunk people. I do not like crowded places, loud music, or bright lights. In the end I would much rather have a nice dinner with a close friend.

It is all about quality not quantity for me.

 

[tree]

Well, it's not completely pointless...

But I think the same way as you do, if I can't make any profit from someone's friendship - it's just a waste of time. That profit can be financial or social. I'm sorry if I sound like an a**hole, but it's the truth. In a way, EVERYONE thinks this way. Does anyone you know suck up to a homeless person? Of course not! But (almost) EVERYONE you know sucks up to their boss.

Humans just can't accept the fact that we are selfish animals. Hell, some can't even accept the fact that we are animals! Such an absurd form of stupidity...

In the end, you and I are maladaptive and that will never change, for better or for worse.
Being different is a gift more than a curse in this world.


P.S. I honestly thought nobody sees these things as I do. Thank you.

"Does anyone you know suck up to a homeless person?"
Actually, yes, I do.
A woman I know immediately befriends people and intends to supply what they need,
as she perceives their need.
She is often surprised when they don't want what she figures they need.

She 'makes friends' with people in grocery store check out lines and expects them to call her
to take her up on offers she has made them during the chance interlude in line.

In another instance, she intended to sell a car to raise money to buy a cream separator
for a woman who had goats. This way, the woman, she said, would be able to make
butter and sell it.

I was the woman with the goats. I had no interest in making or selling butter. I was
quite puzzled and taken aback by her efforts. (Cream separators for goat's milk are expensive.)

But TRUE, this does illustrate that people are selfish.
She wants to help people. She gets off on it.
The pay-off is, in her mind, self-lessly providing for a person in need.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

So this is a way of 'Playing the Social Game' where you've substituted recognising a niche Aspie specialty (not competing for space) and utilising some nicely observed body language, for that innate knowledge we all struggle with.
But how do you know you've recognised the 'person in need' and not a 'needy person' - ie: someone you can form a temporary alliance with (and I agree, they are temporary!), Vs someone who you can't easily distance yourself from later, if necessary?
I seem to catch the latter when I have the opportunity to go fishing like this and have been rather taken advantage of over the years as a result; this has cost me a lot of time and money I'll never recoup. I believe I'm missing some crucial aspect of their body language as someone else will invariably tell me much later that they didn't like them anyway.

By how their silence feels. It's not that I can't get it wrong, but that during the course of the conversation, I get it right.And while I'm tuning on that, all the other noise and things start to fade down.

There's one cue I pick up on: Does the person radiate more light as she or he turns to me, or do they grow darker as the black hole within emerges?

The test for this is whether they tell me stories about themselves or do anything else. The one who asks too many questions of me about me, the bitter alienated political philosopher, the person who stares into my eyes, the person who asks for my number or for a favor--all of these reveal to me that this person is looking for prey.

The storyteller is seeking an audience right now. Just that. Nothing more. And because they need nothing more, everything else can come to the table as the way opens. And because their focus is on their own psychic landscape and I can see where they're going, I have nothing to fear at that time.

...
A woman I know immediately befriends people and intends to supply what they need,
as she perceives their need.
She is often surprised when they don't want what she figures they need.

She 'makes friends' with people in grocery store check out lines and expects them to call her
to take her up on offers she has made them during the chance interlude in line.

In another instance, she intended to sell a car to raise money to buy a cream separator
for a woman who had goats. This way, the woman, she said, would be able to make
butter and sell it.

I was the woman with the goats. I had no interest in making or selling butter. I was
quite puzzled and taken aback by her efforts. (Cream separators for goat's milk are expensive.)

But TRUE, this does illustrate that people are selfish.
She wants to help people. She gets off on it.
The pay-off is, in her mind, self-lessly providing for a person in need.

Word.

So how does my subject know I'm not the woman tree describes? The subject tests me this way: I ask for nothing of myself. I don't switch to me as the subject. I offer what my discernment sees wrapped in words as finely tuned to mood, subject, context, and my commonality with the speaker as I can. I act as if she and I are standing in choir together, listening to each other and tuning to each other. I do not rush my language, and I do not invest in an objective that says "believe what I tell you" so much as "I believe what I'm telling you, and your mileage may vary."


Watching them test me is really interesting, and there is no better way to practice for job interviews or psych counseling sessions--both of which do the same thing.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

"Does anyone you know suck up to a homeless person?"
... I was quite puzzled and taken aback by her efforts. (Cream separators for goat's milk are expensive.)

But TRUE, this does illustrate that people are selfish.
She wants to help people. She gets off on it.
The pay-off is, in her mind, self-lessly providing for a person in need.

I think we should expect people to be selfish. However, I think you really nailed it with "She gets off on it." I imagine she's more than taken aback herself that she isn't "appreciated." One such person I met fumed that "people are so ungrateful."

I experience this as an entitlement attitude, if not outright patronising.

 

[Balkan1996]

"Does anyone you know suck up to a homeless person?"
Actually, yes, I do.
A woman I know immediately befriends people and intends to supply what they need,
as she perceives their need.
She is often surprised when they don't want what she figures they need.

She 'makes friends' with people in grocery store check out lines and expects them to call her
to take her up on offers she has made them during the chance interlude in line.

In another instance, she intended to sell a car to raise money to buy a cream separator
for a woman who had goats. This way, the woman, she said, would be able to make
butter and sell it.

I was the woman with the goats. I had no interest in making or selling butter. I was
quite puzzled and taken aback by her efforts. (Cream separators for goat's milk are expensive.)

But TRUE, this does illustrate that people are selfish.
She wants to help people. She gets off on it.
The pay-off is, in her mind, self-lessly providing for a person in need.

Every rule has it's exceptions.

This woman which you speak of is, indeed, a perfect example. With those high moral values she qualifies as an benevolent alien...

I'm trying to have a positive view on the world and I concentrate on the good people. While it's hard to find them, they can be anyone. I didn't meant to offend homeless people if you interpreted my post that way. I simply noted that people are usually very selfish and sneaky.

 

[tree]

I'm trying to have a positive view on the world and I concentrate on the good people. While it's hard to find them, they can be anyone. I didn't meant to offend homeless people if you interpreted my post that way. I simply noted that people are usually very selfish...

I didn't think you were making negative statements about homeless people.
I agree that people are self-ish.
The woman in my anecdote means well, but is not realistic in her approach to people.

 

[AsheSkyler]

But I'm wondering; any reasons in particular you don't actively engage in a lot of social behaviour?
Frankly, I find people very boring. I'd much rather spend time with myself because I can find ways to stay entertained or learn something I want to learn. If I hang around people, they'd better have something to offer. An interesting story, a pleasant day outside, just something other than boring old gossip about nothing.

And as such, would medication, provided this has any effect on us, even be something we'd want?
I certainly wouldn't. The only way I'd find more people interesting is if I was stoned or something that made me easily entertained. Also, society would need a full overhaul on what is unacceptable to not wear, because I hate wearing bras and it is demanded women wear them when not at home. Although some creepy people say you should wear them anytime you're not in the shower.

 

[tree]

I am trying to imagine the Bra Police, who they are, how they know what they know....
Will they supply me with comfortable lycra/spandex/rubber free bras, if I plead my case convincingly?

This primer amused me:
How to Be Friendly (with Pictures) - wikiHow

 

[Balkan1996]

I didn't think you were making negative statements about homeless people.
I agree that people are self-ish.
The woman in my anecdote means well, but is not realistic in her approach to people.

Well, not realistic in capitalistic society with extremely low moral values. Otherwise, she could be perfectly normal.

 

[motoaaaa]

I think I'm so egocentric that I'm not truly interested in other people.
I've got to realize that I don't speak to other people, rather, I merely speak to myself.
In this sense, other people are just projection of myself, like a mirror.
And nobody can act just like a mirror, there is inevitably deviation from me.
If I try to control the mirror to behave more functionally, there is always separation.

 

[TroyG]

I don't know how. A childhood of being over protected has long term damage. They are called "social skills" A skill is something you learn often through experiance, which I didn't get.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I am trying to imagine the Bra Police, who they are, how they know what they know....
Will they supply me with comfortable lycra/spandex/rubber free bras, if I plead my case convincingly?

Imagine a middle-aged woman with a face wrinkled from over-tanning, a smoker's or whiskey voice, who talks about how she hates men all the time, has been divorced 2+ times, will send you down the road for having a steady boyfriend and tell you that you don't need a man, but is obsessed with finding both herself and every other female a date. And she insists on underwire and push-up bras, along with tight, revealing clothes sure to keep you frostbit year round, and anatomically impossible high heels to kill your feet. No real women dares be comfortable.

I've worked with about four or five of these women. At once.

 

[tree]

I've worked with about four or five of these women. At once.

Now that you have reminded me, I realize....so did I.

Add: they kept filter-free Camels going at all times, lighting a fresh one from almost defunct one; remarking upon other workers' morals in case someone wore the same skirt 2 days in a row; criticizing below-the-knee length skirt as "a sloppy length" while oblivious to the fact that their hem lines were below-the-knee...OH! Also, anyone who laughed must be on drugs.

A fun crew they were.
If Sheldon Cooper is reading this: Yes, that was sarcasm.