When worlds collide: A hazard of compartmentalizing people

[Slithytoves]

Thanks for all of the awesome responses! I took an unexpected mental health break from AC after I posted this thread (I'm fine, just a lot going on at once). To avoid spending the whole morning responding to every post, I'm just going to hit a couple a big issues covered here.

I think Spiller is right, that ASDs amp up the anxiety considerably. Everybody has a degree of social anxiety when mixing people from different aspects of life, but our wiring can take the stress a step beyond. Like Aspergirl4hire said, it entails mixing facades, which in our case can be particularly tailored -- it's hard to wear two masks at once without suffocating.

I've talked to my therapist about this. Since he doesn't specialize in or know much about ASDs, the best he could offer was something akin to what Beverly suggested; try to "put [my] mind in a neutral point of view," un-boxing everybody for the moment. Beverly said it -- it's much easier said than done. I got some particularly good advice from one of my sisters, though. She said what I needed to put things in perspective was a realistic and attainable goal. My choice: All that has to happen is that at the end of the visit, all parties should be able to look at each other and say, "Yeah, I'd like to see _____ again." That should be easy to accomplish. All are easy people to like.

Judge nailed it, re: "social unpredictability". I know what to expect from all parties, just not together. That little unknown leaves room for irrational panic.

I have given a lot of thought to what Karin said about "feeling responsible for the mix to work out to everyone's satisfaction," and things NTgirl4276 said. I'd considered this stuff before, but their posts made me examine it more closely. I do know it's up to each individual to do their own part to make that happen. And really, I know everyone will do their job well. Back to Aspergirl4hire's "mixing facades" idea, though, I think the biggest obstacle I've got is role conflict. Juggling my several familial roles has presented its own challenges over the years, and though discovering this winter that I have AS has helped me work that out better, I haven't had much opportunity to road test my new understanding because I live so far from my clan. Now I'm adding the role of partner/wife on top of that wobbly configuration -- one I'm not very practiced at mixing with the others -- and I'm not sure how that will look. Awkward, I bet. People regress when they're around family. It's inevitable. Meanwhile, my partner self is very progressive. I guess what it comes down to is that I don't want to look like either an outcast or a child to my new husband, and I don't want to look like an awkward partner to my family, especially since my romantic history has been pretty unorthodox and not very successful by any traditional metric. I don't want him to feel like the husband of the black sheep when he's surrounded by the rest of the flock. And it's also hovering close to my consciousness that how I look when I'm around Harrison will be incorporated into their impression of him.

I think too much. That's what it comes down to. I envy people who can just do things and not ruminate about them incessantly ahead of time. It burns a lot of energy.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

Thanks for all of the awesome responses! I took an unexpected mental health break from AC after I posted this thread (I'm fine, just a lot going on at once). To avoid spending the whole morning responding to every post, I'm just going to hit a couple a big issues covered here.

I think Spiller is right, that ASDs amp up the anxiety considerably. Everybody has a degree of social anxiety when mixing people from different aspects of life, but our wiring can take the stress a step beyond. Like Aspergirl4hire said, it entails mixing facades, which in our case can be particularly tailored -- it's hard to wear two masks at once without suffocating.

I've talked to my therapist about this. Since he doesn't specialize in or know much about ASDs, the best he could offer was something akin to what Beverly suggested; try to "put [my] mind in a neutral point of view," un-boxing everybody for the moment. Beverly said it -- it's much easier said than done. I got some particularly good advice from one of my sisters, though. She said what I needed to put things in perspective was a realistic and attainable goal. My choice: All that has to happen is that at the end of the visit, all parties should be able to look at each other and say, "Yeah, I'd like to see _____ again." That should be easy to accomplish. All are easy people to like.

Judge nailed it, re: "social unpredictability". I know what to expect from all parties, just not together. That little unknown leaves room for irrational panic.

I have given a lot of thought to what Karin said about "feeling responsible for the mix to work out to everyone's satisfaction," and things NTgirl4276 said. I'd considered this stuff before, but their posts made me examine it more closely. I do know it's up to each individual to do their own part to make that happen. And really, I know everyone will do their job well. Back to Aspergirl4hire's "mixing facades" idea, though, I think the biggest obstacle I've got is role conflict. Juggling my several familial roles has presented its own challenges over the years, and though discovering this winter that I have AS has helped me work that out better, I haven't had much opportunity to road test my new understanding because I live so far from my clan. Now I'm adding the role of partner/wife on top of that wobbly configuration -- one I'm not very practiced at mixing with the others -- and I'm not sure how that will look. Awkward, I bet. People regress when they're around family. It's inevitable. Meanwhile, my partner self is very progressive. I guess what it comes down to is that I don't want to look like either an outcast or a child to my new husband, and I don't want to look like an awkward partner to my family, especially since my romantic history has been pretty unorthodox and not very successful by any traditional metric. I don't want him to feel like the husband of the black sheep when he's surrounded by the rest of the flock. And it's also hovering close to my consciousness that how I look when I'm around Harrison will be incorporated into their impression of him.

I think too much. That's what it comes down to. I envy people who can just do things and not ruminate about them incessantly ahead of time. It burns a lot of energy.

Slithy, I read your post with interest. The bit about black sheep struck a chord. Some back ground, follows.
My half sister was born when I was 19. I did not ever meet her until she was married, when I re introduced myself to the family. Everything progressed smoothly.
At some point sis said she loved me and always did. I queried this statement because I felt it was disingenuous to profess familial love upon first meeting. She told me that she was told from childhood that I was the black sheep in the family. She always thought it was "cool" to have a black sheep for her brother, and felt a bond towards the outcast, which in time was reciprocated.

 

[Slithytoves]

She told me that she was told from childhood that I was the black sheep in the family. She always thought it was "cool" to have a black sheep for her brother, and felt a bond towards the outcast, which in time was reciprocated.

I'm glad your meeting with your sister was so positive.

I'm actually more of a light gray sheep. I was a much darker shade before I knew I had Asperger's since nobody (including me) understood why I seemed so different from everyone else. I am extremely lucky to have been born into the family I was, with the exception of my father (though he's long been out of the picture). My people are very open and accepting, they can appreciate the odd and they aren't prone to holding grudges over occasional dust-ups and irritations. The mysterious essential difference between me and them had always been palpable, though. It's not just me -- they sensed it, too, though they attributed it to other causes. They often haven't known what to do with me, and I've always felt anxious about being there even as much as I love seeing them. It has made the physical distance even tougher since they all live closer and thus, often have in-jokes and information I don't share in. Things have improved a lot lately, as I said.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that's the root of this anxiety of mine. I want my husband to become a beloved member of the family; just as much so as my brother-in-law and my other sister's partner. He has the makings for being beloved, no problem, but I guess I feel I'm the weakest connection he can have to my family, while the other two men enjoy the benefit of a better-integrated partner. And again, we'll be living far away. A whole ocean away. So this visit is especially important to me. So little time to establish bonds.

And yes, I do want to feel a bond is made between them and him. (1) He will be family, most importantly my family, to them and (2) if anything happens to me, I want communication to be easy and trust and confidence to be in place. He would need them if something happened.

So there's the alienation element, and the accompanying role dysphoria/confusion. At least now I know what it is. You guys are all a great help, as always.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I'm glad your meeting with your sister was so positive.

I'm actually more of a light gray sheep. I was a much darker shade before I knew I had Asperger's since nobody (including me) understood why I seemed so different from everyone else. I am extremely lucky to have been born into the family I was, with the exception of my father (though he's long been out of the picture). My people are very open and accepting, they can appreciate the odd and they aren't prone to holding grudges over occasional dust-ups and irritations. The mysterious essential difference between me and them had always been palpable, though. It's not just me -- they sensed it, too, though they attributed it to other causes. They often haven't known what to do with me, and I've always felt anxious about being there even as much as I love seeing them. It has made the physical distance even tougher since they all live closer and thus, often have in-jokes and information I don't share in. Things have improved a lot lately, as I said.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that's the root of this anxiety of mine. I want my husband to become a beloved member of the family; just as much so as my brother-in-law and my other sister's partner. He has the makings for being beloved, no problem, but I guess I feel I'm the weakest connection he can have to my family, while the other two men enjoy the benefit of a better-integrated partner. And again, we'll be living far away. A whole ocean away. So this visit is especially important to me. So little time to establish bonds.

And yes, I do want to feel a bond is made between them and him. (1) He will be family, most importantly my family, to them and (2) if anything happens to me, I want communication to be easy and trust and confidence to be in place. He would need them if something happened.

So there's the alienation element, and the accompanying role dysphoria/confusion. At least now I know what it is. You guys are all a great help, as always.

Slithy, you are a source of light and joy, here.
Are you following the "deep thoughts project" on the conversation page?
Your input is welcome and needed there. Perhaps best to post there or qwerty conversation page.

 

[Vinca]

I think that I'd find having photos, of as many of the people that were going to be at the event as possible, and cutting the people out and placing them together, infront of me, would help my brain to begin to acclimatize to the idea, of people from different compartments of my life, being in the same location as each other. It would also help me to try different combinations of people together and explore my emotional reactions, ahead of time, in a controlled environment.

 

[Slithytoves]

Slithy, you are a source of light and joy, here.
Are you following the "deep thoughts project" on the conversation page?
Your input is welcome and needed there. Perhaps best to post there or qwerty conversation page.

Gee, thanks, EP. I've been reading along with the PM conversations, but have a lot on my plate right now. Some subjects require a bigger investment than I can manage at the moment. Fascinating stuff, though. I've been enjoying it.

 

[On the Inside]

I didn't have much of a problem with this when I was younger, but then, my world was smaller and more homogenous. And I probably didn't notice or care if there was tension between different circles. I just thought that people are ok with each other unless someone is a real jerk.

It wasn't until I was in my first relationship when I started to feel the tension. My family, her family, my friends, her friends, suddenly I was faced with these different worlds, some of which I was not familiar with at all, are coming together, and I am the common denominator. My once small and comfortable associations became challenging. I had to justify or explain, felt embarrassed, for me, for others. Yes, as Karin states, I was suddenly responsible for everyone's satisfaction.

Talk about a social anxiety nightmare.

 

[On the Inside]

I like Vinca's idea about the photos. One could arrange them in loosely related collages, blurring the lines between distinct groups. Giving you a chance to harmonize them in you mind before the event.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I didn't have much of a problem with this when I was younger, but then, my world was smaller and more homogenous. And I probably didn't notice or care if there was tension between different circles. I just thought that people are ok with each other unless someone is a real jerk.

It wasn't until I was in my first relationship when I started to feel the tension. My family, her family, my friends, her friends, suddenly I was faced with these different worlds, some of which I was not familiar with at all, are coming together, and I am the common denominator. My once small and comfortable associations became challenging. I had to justify or explain, felt embarrassed, for me, for others. Yes, as Karin states, I was suddenly responsible for everyone's satisfaction.

Talk about a social anxiety nightmare.

OtI. You are not responsible for the satisfaction, or the intolerance, of others.
You are responsible for your own life, joy, and satisfaction.
You must choose your own friends and supporters wisely.
If family or associates demean, degrade, or shun you in any way, just walk away. Reality trumps wishful thinking.
In time your detractors may see the light and may become more tolerant of you.

 

[Slithytoves]

It wasn't until I was in my first relationship when I started to feel the tension. My family, her family, my friends, her friends, suddenly I was faced with these different worlds, some of which I was not familiar with at all, are coming together, and I am the common denominator. My once small and comfortable associations became challenging. I had to justify or explain, felt embarrassed, for me, for others. Yes, as Karin states, I was suddenly responsible for everyone's satisfaction.

Talk about a social anxiety nightmare.

Partner politics make any social situation tougher. It limits the freedom to react to conditions naturally, as we see fit, because there's implication by association. I'm feeling a little of that now, in anticipation of this trip, because I can't help but feel my behavior is a reflection on Harrison as well as myself. I don't feel at all awkward about the relationship, but I may very well look awkward in it, given the situation. There's so little time to get comfortable.

It would be easier if people, especially partners, didn't expect us to perform any way other than normally, circumstances notwithstanding. I'm lucky that it won't really be a problem in this case, but I've encountered situations in which I've disappointed others by not doing this or that to their standard. If they know I'm not great at this stuff, why do they suddenly expect I'll ace it on demand? When social anxiety is higher than usual?

 

[On the Inside]

but I may very well look awkward in it,

That is how I often felt in my first marriage, and I remember after it was over wondering why any of my close friends never questioned whether I really wanted to go ahead with it. But it would have made no difference, I wanted to compartmentalize myself as being part of a married unit, ending all speculation and further searching.

 

[Slithytoves]

That is how I often felt in my first marriage, and I remember after it was over wondering why any of my close friends never questioned whether I really wanted to go ahead with it. But it would have made no difference, I wanted to compartmentalize myself as being part of a married unit, ending all speculation and further searching.

Before I say anything else, I need to mention that Harrison puts no pressure on me at all. Re-reading what I just wrote before, it could be inferred by the transition from the first paragraph to the second that he has loaded expectations on me for this visit. He hasn't, won't, and would never even think of it. Neither would I do it to him.

Anyway, I smiled and nodded at "wanted to compartmentalize myself as being part of a married unit." That was my first marriage as well, and also a previous engagement with a guy my parents introduced me to, though I was smart enough not to go through with that one. (The chasm was just too wide to bridge.) There was a period where getting married was unduly important to me. It wasn't the biological clock thing -- though my mother was pretty eager -- but rather a desire to prove to myself and everyone else that I could conform and lead a "normal" life. Boy, what a mistake. I apologized to my ex-husband almost immediately after I was diagnosed.

 

[On the Inside]

I apologized to my ex-husband almost immediately after I was diagnosed.

I would do this with my ex, if I could trust contacting her. I should probably do this with my current partner, because the same dynamic was in motion when we got together, but it has been a better fit. I don't feel awkward in my present relationship.

Some of my reasons were just as your's, "see I am normal/not gay/able to be in a relationship". There was more of course than that, I have enjoyed being in relationships, would still seek them out if I were single again.

 

[Slithytoves]

Some of my reasons were just as your's, "see I am normal/not gay/able to be in a relationship". There was more of course than that, I have enjoyed being in relationships, would still seek them out if I were single again.

I wouldn't seek out another one, myself. After my last relationship I was entirely at peace with the idea of never getting involved again. Then fate intervened, with the help of friends who pushed me to reconsider. I'm glad they did, but this was a one-in-a-million exception. Weird how it worked out so well.

 

[On the Inside]

Then fate intervened,

That would make all the difference!

 

[Harrison]

but this was a one-in-a-million exception. Weird how it worked out so well.

I'd put the odds at 1:7.5 billion, as I was determined to stay the way I was

 

[Slithytoves]

I'd put the odds at 1:7.5 billion, as I was determined to stay the way I was

So much for determination!

 

[Harrison]

So much for determination!

Yup, I am weak-willed and easily led

 

[Slithytoves]

Yup, I am weak-willed and easily led

Awesome!

 

[Judge]

I wouldn't seek out another one, myself. After my last relationship I was entirely at peace with the idea of never getting involved again. Then fate intervened, with the help of friends who pushed me to reconsider.

Sounds vaguely familiar. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Almost as if just when you thought you were out, they pulled you back in. Or perhaps did someone make an offer you could not refuse?