What goes through your mind when you are meeting someone new?

[AnneTheEmpress]

Here are a couple of scenarios that may help.

Example 1: You're at some sort of meaningless social gathering and you accidentally make eye contact with someone and they start walking over. ::Your thoughts here::
The person then introduces itself and pauses. ::Your thoughts here::
For some reason this new person is still there and starts to talk. :: Your thoughts here ::

Example 2: Someone of significance to you has a friend that you must meet today and the hour of doom is quickly approaching. :: Your thoughts here::
You arrive at the destination and the new person is waiting inside the restaurant. ::thoughts here::
Your group is then seated at a booth and an odd silence falls over the table. ::Your thoughts here::
Everyone else starts talking about the latest gossip and there is hardly a pause in conversation. :: Your thoughts here ::

 

[epath13]

I've just been thinking about this
Went to kids birthday party today so my memories are still fresh
If you don't mind I'm not going to follow the format.
Today, for instance I was standing alone while other folks gathered around the table (they seemed to know each other) I wasn't sure how to approach them. So I just stood there staring, wonder if it looked weird or funny ? )
My thoughts :" someone has to come over and ask me a question, then I can start talking" )
A woman came and asked me a question, I answered. Thanksfully she was very talkative so I didn't have to say much. When she stopped. I was like :"ok, what do I do now" and then I thought:"I'll ask her the same question she asked me" ) I actually always feel relieved when people introduce themselves and start talking because I actually like talking it's just sometimes (mostly...actually only on out fo sync days) my voice seems to be softer and articulation is not as good... So that causes problems. another thing - I like talking about things that interest me, and if I can't I just get stuck.

As for other situation: I'm always excited about meeting new people. But I have to know that those people will be introduced to me and there're going to be a subject for conversation. Then I don't feel as anxious.
2- when I meet person for the 1st time I usually try to see if he/ she seems nice (smiling, being friendly)
3- if nobody ask me a question I would probably say nothing, because when I try to step in it usually feels like a lightning just stroke out of blue or something. Everybody was talking, nothing special and then suddenly... ) awkward )

 

[Spinning Compass]

What goes through my mind when I am meeting someone new? Evaluation. Is this person a friend or foe? Can this person be trusted? Are they two faced? Why are they interested in me?

 

[AnneTheEmpress]

Interesting post, epath. : )

My thoughts are more panicked. I try to rationalize everything weigh pros and cons before I make any sort of statement. Somehow, I still put my foot in my mouth too often. Though sometimes people think I MEANT to make a joke and they all laugh. :-D

 

[xrobertxdavisx]

Example 1: You're at some sort of meaningless social gathering and you accidentally make eye contact with someone and they start walking over. ::surely they are walking past me and not coming up to me , or are they , what do i say , ahhhh i dunno, do i talk first gah i dunno hope they talk or if i know them from past and forget them ah ****.::
The person then introduces itself and pauses. ::say hi im robert then i pause::
For some reason this new person is still there and starts to talk. :: why is this person talking to me is this a joke::

Example 2: Someone of significance to you has a friend that you must meet today and the hour of doom is quickly approaching. :: nervous , dont know what to wear, will they show up, will i manage to talk ahh::
You arrive at the destination and the new person is waiting inside the restaurant. ::i send them a text to meet me at the door as i have terrible eye sight and dont take my glasses out , and scared incase i went up to wrong person or walked wrong direction ::
Your group is then seated at a booth and an odd silence falls over the table. ::try and give an interesting fact or something about something they probally dont care about or ask what they did today::
Everyone else starts talking about the latest gossip and there is hardly a pause in conversation. :: im like finally there all talking and i dont need to think of what to say unless they say something i know more about than them or they say something i know is wrong then i correct them ::

 

[Ylva]

My mind has a tendency to go completely still when I meet someone new. Not stop functioning – it just stops speaking to me, taking in all this new person stuff. At least it's pretty much a guarrantee I won't be talking to myself while this new person is there, being perceived.

It usually takes awhile for me to relax enough to chat. I warm up to people quickly enough, too quickly sometimes (but that has become less frequent), but that isn't the same as knowing what to say.

I really do have a hard time with smalltalk. In my teens I had this thing where I could make myself be interested in stuff like a person's family and job, but I can't do that anymore. It feels so pointless. What can I do about their family and job situation? Are they just telling me this stuff to pretend to be connecting with me, or are they so bored that they're just babbling, or – one of my more paranoid notions – are they actually trying to make me feel useless?

 

[The Impossible Girl]

I tend to freeze up and forget polite formalities like, how are you? How's the kids etc. and those types of irrational questions. I struggle to engage with a person after the initial Hello paradox. I feel, I cannot reciprocate their inane ability to share their mundane domestic or dutiful itinerary, in fact I usually zone well out, my brain preferring to consider things such as particle physics or the fascinating evolution of language. These things are not considered in polite conversation. I often only open my mouth to a new person, when faced with a direct question (mundane again at best). I will answer them in a short sharp manner but I never ask them the same ridiculous questions. Just the other day a woman I don't know well asked me if I grew up around here. I said no and left it at that. I answered her question right? Too bad I didn't offer any other information for free. But I know my weakness is opening my mouth, so I censor it. Stick to the plan brain, short simple answers; cleverly disguised disinterest. Didn't stop the woman though. Oh no. I had to find out all about her, dare I say, questionable, upbringing. I smiled, wide-eyed with eyebrows raised and slightly slanted in fear, as is my face when confronted with socialising, wishing and hoping inside that she would notice my discomfort and abort human contact.... Trapped in conversation, I always find my escape. The bathroom. The kitchen, something needs attending. The rudest, but sometimes only effective way I found found of jettisoning a conversation at home, is the remote control. Flick, flick, oh sorry! Seems I took my wavering eye off you for a moment and you acquired someone else's in the room. I hope they remain attentive, while I furtively hunt for something tangible on television. Scientific documentaries will always serve to vacate the unlearned.

I actually feel (in most cases) that I don't really care what you do, or who you live with, as long as you don't punch me in the face or something else, just as directly, confronting. I can't even remember people's names, even after countless meetings. Even when I want to! It's like my brain goes- It's not my job to remember your friends name. Or your friends husband name or their 3 kids names. Or their dogs name and where they worked. I have enough trouble remembering where you put the coffee, or indeed if we had one at all. Man! I forget to remind you to eat half the time and you want me to recall your mates last five relationships and what disturbing events took place? Unlikely! Brain out!- I just can't help it I guess. It kind of annoys me that it is so reliably unreliable. At least now I am beginning to understand why and perhaps, in time, aid it with countermeasures I have yet to discover.

 

[Kelly]

I've put my thoughts and what I would actually say / do(in purple) in the examples.

Example 1: You're at some sort of meaningless social gathering and you accidentally make eye contact with someone and they start walking over. Oh crap, are they coming to talk to me or have a go at me, maybe they are walking over to someone near me..okay relax..relax.. Say nothing, start stimming slightly

The person then introduces itself and pauses. Do I know them? Crap where do I know them from? Does my husband know them? Why are they talking to me? Is this some sort of joke say hello and look away Oh no I should have said my name too..should I say it now or will that be weird, just stay quiet

For some reason this new person is still there and starts to talk. What do I say? Okay just smile and try and keep up, don't say something stupid I respond with yes, no or one or two word answers and continue to do a secret stim (usually my hands inside my pockets) ugh say more..say more say more you sound stupid

Example 2: Someone of significance to you has a friend that you must meet today and the hour of doom is quickly approaching. Okay don't mess up, don't make an idiot of yourself I arrive early

You arrive at the destination and the new person is waiting inside the restaurant. Crap am I late? I thought I was early, stupid watch! I apologise for being late and would probably start biting my lip or some other stim

Your group is then seated at a booth and an odd silence falls over the table. Great, messed up already, wonder what I've done to offend them. I sit not saying a word and keep my eyes down

Everyone else starts talking about the latest gossip and there is hardly a pause in conversation. Okay say something now....ooooh tell them about X...speak now...now....now....ah crap missed the opportunity, okay bring it up in a minute when that person stops speaking...okay now...now...now...nope..no... moments passed. I say nothing or one or two words or yes / no if spoken to and stim secretly probably my hands under the table

 

[gareth2431]

Hiya
Personally for me it's a mix of fear and trying to think fast. Usually if I'm talking to someone I don't know what to say other then basic small talk. "Hi", "how are you", "what do you do", "do you enjoy it" and I rarely think of anything really beyond that.
Usually if the conversation moves past that and we start talking normally, I always have this thing bouncing around my head of "what if they think I'm a freak".

 

[The Impossible Girl]

In that case, I often become mute or will say, ?Hmm, I have nothing to say.? The answer works for me, but it also makes me look like a real idiot.

I am always just saying... "Um yeh! Sorry! I got nuthin!" and get the weirdest looks. Can't understand why haha

 

[paloftoon]

I think many people get at least a little fear meeting new people but most of us have a lot of fear! My best suggestions are remember, you don't have too much to lose by meeting new people. If they think you are too different, as long as it isn't anything like murder, rape, or something like that, then have a backup plan to walk away or do something else if what you said didn't meld well with the person you were communicating with. Still allow them to come to you, as a good conversation and a good friend both have reciprocity. Always look for reciprocity (not to the exact second or minute), but you have to "feel" it out as much as possible.

 

[paloftoon]

Also stick to meeting in public places if you don't feel comfortable risking more than that.

 

[dudeman]

I don't get out much, so I'm not usually in a situation where I have to meet new people randomly, but sometimes, I'll know in advance that I'm meeting someone and in those cases, I feel like I need to impress them because I want them to like me so I'll pick out one of my pop culture related t-shirts (like my Thundercats shirt, my Ghostbusters shirt, my Nintendo World Championship shirt, my Silver Age X-Men shirt...) so they can tell right away the kind of stuff I'm interested in.

 

[tree]

Does 'meeting someone new' mean formally engaging in what is expected to be an on-going/continuing sequence of interactions?
Or does it include just chance encounters?

Either way, I am probably thinking.....Well, this won't amount to much, most likely. Will I ever see this person again? What am I trying to accomplish here?

 

[Soup]

@ Kelly: I can relate totally to what you said!

Random person approaches: (my thoughts) Is that person coming towards me in particular or just walking in this direction? Don't stare, don't stim & resist urge to bolt like a spooked horse!

Random person approaches & begins to talk: (my thoughts) Is that person talking to ME or the person behind or beside me (I look around to be sure). Who the C#R!$T is this?!? A colleague I don't recognize because they're all dressed up? Some colleague or client from my husband's clinic? Should I ask & if so how? DON'T say, "WHO ARE YOU?" Does my face have the right expression on? Should I smile DON'T grin like the Grim Reaper or a Jack O'Lantern! Crap! The person is staring at me: it must be my turn to say something... DO NOT say, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?" OH CRUD! He's sticking out his gross germy hand: I guess I have to shake it...try not to look disgusted & DO NOT fumble for hand sanitizer!

As you can tell, I'm no social butterfly. Usually, I'm good at not getting ambushed this way.

Soup's crafty Aspie strategies to avoid getting ambushed in social situations:

1. KEEP MOVING! Appear in one part of the room only to vanish & appear in another. Look like you're walking purposefully somewhere as if you see someone you know & are going to talk to.
2. Look slightly inconvenienced (EASY since you ARE likely inconvenienced if you have to socialize!) & fumble out your mobile phone & pretend it rang & you have to take an urgent call. If you are alone at the event, you can mumble your apologies to the host & state that you have to leave unexpectedly (called in to work, grandma needs you, your dog is sick...who cares? so long as you have an escape valve!)
3. Become a GALLEY SLAVE for the evening: help the hosts out in the kitchen: they'll appreciate how helpful you are & you'll be useful AND moving AND participating constructively.
4. Any kids at the event? Appear helpful by supporting the kids: get them colouring or doing something fun. We Aspies tend to be better with kids than with adults. Read them a story if you must.
5. For women only at an event where the host is female: Have a sudden heavy period with cramping. Happens to the best of us: DARN! Now you have to LEAVE just when you were having sooo much fun...
6. When you get the invitation & the RSVP, contact the hosts, thank them for the invitation, let them know you'd LOVE to come BUT that day you won't be able to remain long after dinner for the remainder of the festivities since the next morning you have an early (meeting, shift, appointment etc.) That way, when you depart early, before all the blabbering & dancing begins, the hosts will understand completely since you rigged it ahead of time so politely.

 

[Amina]

Example 1: You're at some sort of meaningless social gathering and you accidentally make eye contact with someone and they start walking over.
Oh ****, why did I look at them...
Are they smiling at me? I don't know what their intentions are...
What if they ask me something what am I going to say?
I really just want to be alone...

The person then introduces itself and pauses.
**stares at said person for a little while**
"Hi, I'm Amina... Nice to meet you"
**stick out my hand for a handshake**
I should ask questions people like to talk about themselves...
Was that right the right thing to do?
I hope he/she doesn't think I'm weird...
Should I ask him/her what he/she is doing here?
No, that might be rude...
I wonder if they like to dance or if they're a Christian!
No.. focus on the person and try to be friendly...
"What brings you to this event?"

For some reason this new person is still there and starts to talk.
**tries to "go with the flow..."**

Example 2:
Someone of significance to you has a friend that you must meet today and the hour of doom is quickly approaching.
Am I dressed appropriately?
I really hope my mind doesn't go blank...
Maybe I should say something like "I heard a lot about you."

You arrive at the destination and the new person is waiting inside the restaurant.
Should I go in and introduce myself?
Well, maybe I should wait for my friend to introduce me.
I don't know... I'll just follow her inside...

Your group is then seated at a booth and an odd silence falls over the table.
I wish I could disappear....
I wish I was at home...
**observes other people at other tables**
I want to escape the the bathroom... I want to escape to the bathroom... I want to escape to the bathroom...

Everyone else starts talking about the latest gossip and there is hardly a pause in conversation.
I really hate negativity...
I wish Jesus was here...
I wish I could be in heaven...
I bet everything is peaceful there and not like this...
Can I esacpe to the bathroom?
No... I already did that...
****...
How much longer is this going to be?
I want to cry but I can't...
I wish I was at home with my cat...
What time is it?
I just want to disappear :unsure:

 

[Soup]

@ Amina

"I wish I was at home with my cat..."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Sigmund Freud

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

For me it really depends on the situation. If there is something I can talk about then all is fine, but if there is no obvious common interest or something about the person that I can compliment, then I feel very awkward and tongue-tied.

I have recently joined some social groups to improve my social skills and last weekend I went to brunch with a group of people who were new to me. I was the last person to arrive and we were a group of 10. I walked up to the nearest end of the table, smiled, greeted everyone and introduced myself. The person sitting closest to me directed me to take the last remaining seat at the other end of the table. Only two people responded to my introduction and told me their names. So I sat down secretly very pleased with myself because my manners were better than theirs. Throughout the meal the people at my end of the table did include me in their conversation and although I didn't talk as much as the others I felt that I held my own. The conversation was very interesting and the people at my end of the table stayed much longer after the meal. When we left, the man who was sitting next to me gave us all a bear hug, and although I was a little uncomfortable with it, it wasn't as unpleasant as I usually find these situations.

 

[Sparticus]

1) I raise the shield/sword...and inquire "eh you...who goes there?"
or pretend I'm an N-T and give that fake smile..."eh Jerry told me about you...how's your___"

2) I commit Hari Kari...known as Seppuku? Ok ok, I try to find a sympathetic/empathetic soul to engage verbal communcation.

If not then I remember Dale Carnegie's hints and [gulp] wade into the waters of social communication. "Hi I like your earings, did you really buy them in China?" It really depends on me Pirate mood, my sugar level, hyperactivity level, want to be a hermit level, astronomy equations...let's see...what I'm wearing, me Pirate self-esteem at the moment, now important it is to me Pirate friend and all of the above... :unsure:

Here are a couple of scenarios that may help.

Example 1: You're at some sort of meaningless social gathering and you accidentally make eye contact with someone and they start walking over. ::Your thoughts here::
The person then introduces itself and pauses. ::Your thoughts here::
For some reason this new person is still there and starts to talk. :: Your thoughts here ::

Example 2: Someone of significance to you has a friend that you must meet today and the hour of doom is quickly approaching. :: Your thoughts here::
You arrive at the destination and the new person is waiting inside the restaurant. ::thoughts here::
Your group is then seated at a booth and an odd silence falls over the table. ::Your thoughts here::
Everyone else starts talking about the latest gossip and there is hardly a pause in conversation. :: Your thoughts here ::

 

[paloftoon]

I'm reading this again now, and I think I want to add that as aspies, we don't want to give to much of ourselves away because we don't want to feel vulnerable, but we don't want to give so little that we are insulting too. It's hard to feel out a person, and takes us more practice and thought and such than "NT" people. So I can see why someone may feel like they have a lot to lose. Despite that, we still need to take risks, but you don't need to put everything out there either. Everything must be earned both ways. If you don't feel comfortable answering a question, then say that. If it's not an important question and the person keeps pushing, I normally don't like to lie, but if that's okay with you, then white lie. Easier said than done. . .Tired just thinking about that.