Trying so hard to understand, but struggling.

[poshnumptybird]

Hi All,
Im new to this site, and im desperately looking for some advice from people who may understand, rather than friends who just think im crazy for staying in my relationship. .
Ive been with my partner for 3 years on the 5th Febuary this year, and i absolutely love him to bits, we are getting married in 5 months time.
I just find myself constantly wondering if im doing the right thing, as im finding that his aspergers traits are only extremely bad when he is with me. I can not discuss anything at all with him, without him taking offence to it, he shouts constantly at me, covers his ears so he cant hear me and then ends up slaming doors and walking off. I work away alot, so really look forward to coming home to spend time with him, but within half an hour, he has fallen out with me.
He rolls his eys if i mention anything to do with the wedding, and if i ask if its definatley what he wants, the shouting starts again.
I see him with his children, having conversations with them, and he never loses his temper, even if they disagree with him about something, he just explains to them... why can he not do this with me??
He says im not the same any more and i dont try like i used too, and if he didnt want to marry me id know about it.
I work with children and young adults with aspergers, so i thought i would be perfect for him, i feel like im so understanding with him, but now its like i dont have an opinion or voice in this relationship. Im struggling so much, i really dont want to walk away, as i love the times that we do spend together when we are happy, although these are becoming less frequent. I feel like im constantly tip toeing around him to make sure he is ok, whilst im not. :-(

Thank you

 

[George Newman]

If you have the slightest doubt, walk. I’m not being mean or narrow minded. I care for you and him. I want you to avoid a devastating result. You will be told a bunch of other stuff on here and well-meaning people will go on and on about “making it work” and how he can’t help it and you need to be more understanding. I promise you that you will be devastated in this long term. It’s that simple.

 

[poshnumptybird]

If you have the slightest doubt, walk. I’m not being mean or narrow minded. I care for you and him. I want you to avoid a devastating result. You will be told a bunch of othe stuff on here and well-meaning people will go on and on about “making it work” and how he can’t help it and you need to be more understanding. I promise you that you will be devastated in this long term. It’s that simple.

If you have the slightest doubt, walk. I’m not being mean or narrow minded. I care for you and him. I want you to avoid a devastating result. You will be told a bunch of othe stuff on here and well-meaning people will go on and on about “making it work” and how he can’t help it and you need to be more understanding. I promise you that you will be devastated in this long term. It’s that simple.

 

[poshnumptybird]

I apreciate what your saying george, and alot of people have said the same thing. These are some things that make me think walking away is not the right decision.
Nothing or anybody is perfect and everything has to be worked hard at to get the best results..
Ive been in extreamly violent and lonely relationships before for 16 years plus, so it make these things seem not so bad.
I love him so much, and we do alot together, things ive never had in previous relationships...
Im probably sounding silly to you now, as ive contradicted things that ive said in my original thread, but its why im strughlung so much.. i want to make him happy and ofcourse myself..
is it possible for me to learn to except the things that i find hard to deal with, to make this work as much as i want it too? or as you have said.. am i just delaying tge inevitable?

 

[Sarah S]

I agree with George here .

Based on what youre describing im SAD to say that this i a relationship that wont be successful for ether of you. He wont change as he probably cant due to his diagnosis . And im afraid this will break you down as well mentally . Relationship is built on TRUST and of course Love and ability to COMMUNICATE and allot among other foundations of course. And again based on what youre describing id say the best thing you can do for both of you is walk away

I apreciate what your saying george, and alot of people have said the same thing. These are some things that make me think walking away is not the right decision.

Nothing or anybody is perfect and everything has to be worked hard at to get the best results..

Ive been in extreamly violent and lonely relationships before for 16 years plus, so it make these things seem not so bad.

I love him so much, and we do alot together, things ive never had in previous relationships...

Im probably sounding silly to you now, as ive contradicted things that ive said in my original thread, but its why im strughlung so much.. i want to make him happy and ofcourse myself..
is it possible for me to learn to except the things that i find hard to deal with, to make this work as much as i want it too? or as you have said.. am i just delaying tge inevitable?

( although these are becoming less frequent. I feel like im constantly tip toeing around him to make sure he is ok, whilst im not. :-( )

That there should tell you its time to go dear. You cant build a relationship based on you having to constantly fear that whatever you say or do will set him of . Thats called being conflict scared and i should know as my mom suffering from this ALL her life based on her sad and rough upbringing with a mentally ill father

I agree BUT it cant just be from youre side it HAS to also involve his willingness and also capability to do so .

Thats only youre fear from being alone again talking dear NOONE should have to put out with this cind of (incl MOST DEFENETLY youre previous relationship ) treatment

I understand BUT as you youre self point out the times gets fewer and further apart + as you say youre self the price for this is you having to be some cind of submissive to his life

First youre NOT silly .Second to answer youre question NO and further more you shouldent even have to consider this things or life dear.

As you alredy know from youre previous relationship breaking up is one of the toughest destion to make wich i can understand BUT it is a chice you will HAVE to make sooner then later as i can sadly predict this will NOT go the way you hope & sadly it risks bringing you down on the fall

 

[Suzanne]

Marriage is hard enough, without the extra baggage ( ok, we all carry some, but then some bags are easy to carry and others are just too heavy).

The fact that he is only this way with you, then really, you should go with your niggling doubts, otherwise, you will be stuck!

Just to add that not all experts on aspergers are truly experts and in fact, if you can think of this relationship as a way to understand more how we think, then it will make your work more effective and your relationship.

I do the same thing with my husband ( I am the one who is on the path to a formal diagnosis); if he continues to well, go on about something that I feel uncomfortable about and he doesn't try to understand, I put my fingers in my ears too.

Marriage is about communicating and if you are not, then where is the marriage?

Good times are always included, but do they outway the bad times?

 

[Major Tom]

Sounds like my relationship with my wife... Except I'm the one with no voice. It's been 16 years of this nearly now and not getting much better. Just saying..

 

[poshnumptybird]

Sounds like my relationship with my wife... Except I'm the one with no voice. It's been 16 years of this nearly now and not getting much better. Just saying..

 

[poshnumptybird]

Are you happy ? do you still love her? or do you regret things?

I honestly thought people would tell me to keep trying and he cant help it, and maybe advise on how to deal with it better, but thats not the case, it seems i was wrong .

I know he loves me, i put this post up today, as we were having a simple discussion about our pet snakes, i got an offer on live food .. but i dont want to use it. and he got annoyed..i tried to explain why i didnt want to use it, but then he puts fingers in his ears, telling me to stop he has finished with that conversation. Then he got his shoes on and stormed out..

i felt upset with him, as this is the first day ive had at home for a few days.. and im at work untill sunday evening from tomorrow morning so wont see him again.

He has come home now with a dvd he has purchased whilst out and come in excitedly telling me about it, it as if nothing ever happened.
Now i feel guilty

He is so sweet, endearing, emotionless and demanding all rolled into one! ❤❤❤❤

 

[poshnumptybird]

I agree with George here .

Based on what youre describing im SAD to say that this i a relationship that wont be successful for ether of you. He wont change as he probably cant due to his diagnosis . And im afraid this will break you down as well mentally . Relationship is built on TRUST and of course Love and ability to COMMUNICATE and allot among other foundations of course. And again based on what youre describing id say the best thing you can do for both of you is walk away



( although these are becoming less frequent. I feel like im constantly tip toeing around him to make sure he is ok, whilst im not. :-( )

That there should tell you its time to go dear. You cant build a relationship based on you having to constantly fear that whatever you say or do will set him of . Thats called being conflict scared and i should know as my mom suffering from this ALL her life based on her sad and rough upbringing with a mentally ill father

I agree BUT it cant just be from youre side it HAS to also involve his willingness and also capability to do so .

Thats only youre fear from being alone again talking dear NOONE should have to put out with this cind of (incl MOST DEFENETLY youre previous relationship ) treatment

I understand BUT as you youre self point out the times gets fewer and further apart + as you say youre self the price for this is you having to be some cind of submissive to his life

First youre NOT silly .Second to answer youre question NO and further more you shouldent even have to consider this things or life dear.

As you alredy know from youre previous relationship breaking up is one of the toughest destion to make wich i can understand BUT it is a chice you will HAVE to make sooner then later as i can sadly predict this will NOT go the way you hope & sadly it risks bringing you down on the fall

 

[Major Tom]

I'm just saying things aren't likely to change unless you both put some real work into it. Yes I still love her, otherwise I'd have been long gone. And primarily don't rely on other people's advice, go with your gut.

 

[poshnumptybird]

Thank you sarah,

I apreciate your reply so very much. Its so difficult and different to my past relationship because i know its just him, and not him being mean to me.

I read and read about aspergers desparatly seeking the the advice i think i need lol

I think he feels let down because i work with people with similar conditions and i love my work so very much, and i can deal with thoes situations with ease.

He wasnt diagnosied when i met him, infact for the first year i was oblivious to the fact he may have it, however as time went on, and when we moved in together, it smacked me in the face and i was like.. oh i can deal with this, its fine. I helped him, sat with him through his depression and helped him through all his appointments untill he was diagnoised. Even the doctor who made the diagnosis said i was perfect for him.. i thought it would be easier for him once he had an understanding of who he was, but it seems to have made him worse, alot worse.

I have some serious thinking to do, i would do anything in the world to have just one conversarion with him about it... it will never happen though

 

[Tom]

Good communication is one of the the key elements in relationships. Going into marriage without it is like going on to a boat without a bucket to bail. And all boats leak sooner or later.

 

[poshnumptybird]

Good communication is one of the the key elements in relationships. Going into marriage without it is like going on to a boat without a bucket to bail. And all boats leak sooner or later.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

He says im not the same any more and i dont try like i used too, and if he didnt want to marry me id know about it.

What do you ask him?
Seems like the 2nd part he's getting tired of saying that to you.

You may not be aware of what you're doing/saying and how it's affecting him.

Aspergers expert aside.. are you a self-expert?

got an offer on live food .. but i dont want to use it. and he got annoyed..i tried to explain why i didnt want to use it, but then he puts fingers in his ears, telling me to stop he has finished with that conversation. Then he got his shoes on and stormed out..

For example. Is this really the full details of what happened?
There can be a lot more going on in this simple transaction than what you are aware of.
What are your problems for example?
Your blindspots?

It isn't just about him with aspergers.
He's not your project or patient.
(I know you don't think of him like this but...)

I could declare myself an NT expert and roll my eyes at my wife, if I worked with NT's all day.
Wouldn't help with our relationship .


Anyway start small - put the wedding off.

Look to yourself. Get 'micro' and 'detailed'

He isn't ''storming off' for nothing.

You're probably persistently annoying.. not preparing to accept his reasons why.

Another perspective for free.
Next one costs.

 

[poshnumptybird]

Tom,
Can someone with aspergers eventually learn to communicate? or is it impossible.

I have plenty of buckets at the ready, just slowly using the energy to keep using them

 

[poshnumptybird]

What do you ask him?
Seems like the 2nd part he's getting tired of saying that to you.

You may not be aware of what you're doing/saying and how it's affecting him.

Aspergers expert aside.. are you a self-expert?



For example. Is this really the full details of what happened?
There can be a lot more going on in this simple transaction than what you are aware of.
What are your problems for example?
Your blindspots?

It isn't just about him with aspergers.
He's not your project or patient.
(I know you don't think of him like this but...)

I could declare myself an NT expert and roll my eyes at my wife, if I worked with NT's all day.
Wouldn't help with our relationship .


Anyway start small - put the wedding off.

Look to yourself. Get 'micro' and 'detailed'

He isn't ''storming off' for nothing.

You're probably persistently annoying.. not preparing to accept his reasons why.

Another perspective for free.
Next one costs.

 

[china autie]

Shouting, slamming doors, rolling his eyes at you are all not okay.

If you are in the USA, call 1 800 799 SAFE.
That is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you with figuring out if it is abuse, and help you develop a safety plan if you decide to stay.

If you ever decide to leave (and you are living with him), that is also a dangerous time and they can help you with that too.

Their website is the hotline dot org.
www.thehotline.org. They also have a text based chat if you prefer.

_____

If you are anywhere in the world, you can write to the Samaritans in the UK. A volunteer named Jo will email you back. All of their volunteers are named Jo. Again, they will not tell you what you should do. They are very respectful.


Their website is Contact us.

Samaritans dot org.

----
It is good that you are thinking about these things now. I missed all the warning signs. 21 and a half years later, his abuse turned physical and I had to get out in order to preserve my life.

I am in the USA and there is free domestic violence available to us in every state. [Usually the agency that has the domestic violence shelter also has the free counseling].

I am getting a divorce because I am worth more than the way he treated me. Yeah, there were some good times. Unfortunately, the good times are part of something called "trauma bonding."

Remember, promises mean nothing without action.

---
I would caution you against blaming the Aspergers. Domestic violence is its own problem.

Best wishes and please do look into this, even if you are afraid or uncomfortable.

[PS Attending a domestic violence or anger management support or therapy group most likely will not help the perpetrators of domestic violence. They usually come out slicker, not healthier. A few perps are able to become violence-free but they are the exception and that requires lots of therapy and lots of work on the perp's part.]

 

[poshnumptybird]

I agree with you 100% there is obviously something i am doing wrong too.

Im sure i have a billion things that im not doing correct, working with somebody professionally is compleatly different to loving and living with somebody.

I talk to much, i am emotional, i suppose i try to hard ro make thing's right, (in my eyes) when he may not even realise there is a problem .

But im also really understanding, hate arguing, so i apologise when i havent done anything. im good at just stopping when he wants me too, and ive learnt to leave him and wait for him to come to me again..

Its just extreamly difficult to have to not say something that might be important to me at that time, forget about it then move on.

Again this is why im so confused...

i appreciate your advice

thank you

 

[Bolletje]

I would put the marriage on hold indefinitely until you learn to communicate with one another. This - the shouting, putting fingers in ears, slamming doors and storming off - sounds borderline abusive to me. Red flags all around. And this is not something you should excuse because of Aspergers. Would you accept this type of behaviour in a relationship if the guy you were dating didn't have a label? Do you think it's magically going to get better once you're married? I highly doubt it. You may be having a good time in between, but this does not sounds like a mutually respectful and mature relationship to me.