I am worried that the abuse you endured, previously, has lead you to develop "fawny" behaviour.
The frantically trying to fix things and over apologising is a clear tell. I think you need to focus on you. Developing healthy communication, clear boundaries and self esteem and assertiveness is something you will need to do, regardless of whether you stick with this guy or not.
You might find councelling to support you to learn how to get past these codependent and unhealthy coping ploys. I know what I'm talking about. I was in abusive situations all my life, up until less than a decade ago.
My relationship with my children's father lead me to develop fawning behaviours and let me tell you, no one, yes, no one can respect you, if you keep that up. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and stand your ground and exercise healthy, protective boundaries, so that you can command the respect you deserve.
If you look into interpersonal trauma recovery you will, likely, come across the work of Pete Walker. He wrote "Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving" and has numerous online articles and a web site. He talks about the four responses to this kind of trauma and abuse. Fight (your partner sounds like he is in fight mode when he yells at you ) Flight (again, this is your partner blocking his ears, trying to get away from what is triggering or stressing him, walking away, avoiding etc) Freeze (collapsing, shut ins and dissociating are some examples of the freeze response and Fawn - this is you trying oh so hard to make it work, apologizing for everything, trying to avoid upsetting him and the like. Not healthy, well adapted behaviour.
It is likely that you are both triggering each other.
You may need some support to work through your trauma/abuse related responses, because it is very unhealthy to go into marriage with these sorts of habitual responses.
Occasional fights, and a certain level of keep-the-peace concessions and accommodations are ok and normal, but this level of stress and triggered responses really needs attention to support you to break through into healthy, mature and interactive, rather than REactive responses. If you know what I mean.
I can't stand people flapping around me, appeasing, fawning and over apologizing, which is pretty hypocritical, as I have been known to grovelingly apologize for some perceived deficit, as I'm serving up a beautiful meal (many a night!) so, yeah, I'm guilty of excessive fawning and appeasing behaviours and I can't stand it about myself.
My partner and children pull me up about it and I'm much better, since I am now with a beautiful, warm and non abusive (Aspie like myself) man. I've also been very intensively in trauma recovery therapy for quite some years, now, that has helped, a lot.
It's possible that your anxious fawny behaviour is partially responsible for the reaction you are seeing with the "eye rolls".
Don't overload him with information, this could be why he is trying to shut you out with the "blocking ears". Slow down. Talk calmly, stop and listen to him.
I have been in trouble, plenty, with my guy, for talking too much, and not listening well enough and sometimes, my guy will shout at me, and he is NO WAY an abusive person, but he gets overloaded and frustrated if I don't listen to him, which, I think, is fair enough. He also has a brain injury and trauma issues (as do I) and he loses his train of thought and conversation if I interrupt him.
I do ask him to stop shouting at me though and we are making progress, on this front.
I hope this helps. Us Aspies/Auties can get overloaded pretty easily, sometimes and then our behaviour is not our best. So slow down, take some breaths, respond calmly, don't take it personally, listen, and you will learn much more and maybe, just maybe, you will work through these communication and emotional stress response patterns and have a chance to marry and enjoy a life with your Aspie man
Maybe it's an autism thing, but I've never understood the near psychotic mania that women experience planning huge, expensive weddings. It just seems like a 12 month corporate event management role that you're not even paid for at the end! I was closely involved in planning my sister's wedding and that was enough stress. These days people put all their energy into the wedding itself rather than the actual relationship and they wonder why they end up broke and unhappy.
