Too empathetic? Communication issues

[2205]

It’s frequent that people on the spectrum often don’t know how much and when to talk with others, main reason said to be that they’re not aware of other person emotions and little hints which indicates that they might be bored, in a hurry etc. They also might say inappropriate thing because they just don’t “get” those unwritten rules or they fail to pay attention to such rules due to sensory overload.

For me, it’s quite opposite. I do have difficulties with conversations and feel extremely exhausted by them, but I feel that’s because I’m too much aware of what the other person is feeling. For example, in almost every conversation where the person’s attention isn’t 100% on me, I feel that the person is not interested in what I say and when I notice that, I try to make my talking faster, more interesting etc. All the time I’m talking with someone I feel like my brain is (involuntarily) at its maximum processing speed, trying to figure out exactly what the other person feels and thinks, based on all the little details about his/her face, body language, speaking manner, overall personality, current situation etc. It’s like I almost lose myself while being in other person shoes... or that I’m being two persons at the same time (myself and the other person). It’s so exhausting and I leave every conversation with bad feeling, even the nice ones.

I was just wondering if someone experiences the same? I’m not diagnosed with asd (although psychologist says I do have many autistic traits). Everything else kind of matches but this conversation thing.. I sometimes wish I could be like “typical” aspie, not knowing what the other person feels, because knowing that is so exhausting. And I can’t just “not think about it” or “turn it off”, like you can’t turn off what you hear or see.

*of course there’s a possibility that I actually don’t know what others are feeling and that I’m just imagining it... anyway it’s a problem for me.

 

[Major Tom]

I used to think I knew what people were thinking all the time. I now realize I have no idea, well maybe a little. I am good at reading people I think, and conversations are always confusing and draining.
When I was diagnosed I found out that not everyone thinks like I do and that was a huge help. It left me a lot less angry at people's comments and actions. I can't expect anyone to see things through my eyes, like I always seemed to before.

 

[Autistamatic]

The idea that Aspies are "incapable" of empathy is a simplification that does us no favours even though it bears partial truth. It all boils down to the capacity for "theory of mind" and how we process it compared to NT people.
NTs do it without conscious thought - they take in data from the person they are dealing with - appearance, mannerisms, tone of voice etc - and they make judgements and adjustments to it without it necessarily entering their minds WHY they are doing it. It's a natural faculty no different than the instinct to flinch from pain or laugh at humour.
AS people do not generally possess this faculty to the same degree, if at all, but many of us (like yourself I would surmise) compensate with conscious thought. We try to process the same data on the fly and it can be a hell of a lot of information to handle at once, whilst simultaneously trying to hold up our end of the conversation.
To use a computer analogy, to the NT mind "theory of mind" runs on a co-processor the way that modern computers use graphics cards - it's separate from the main task. We don't have such powerful co-processors to rely on, if we have them at all, so the extra burden is laden upon our CPUs - our conscious thought.
Our ability to do this, and our willingness to do so, varies widely amongst us, but most of us do it to some degree.
Aspies can be very empathic, but it takes us longer to get to the same point. Arguably, because we are taking time to THINK about it, rather than just reacting to an instinctive urge, we may actually make more accurate assessments of situations than some overly social NTs - but we don't always come to those conclusions in time to make a difference.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh my gosh! That is EXACTLY what I go through, but very interesting, I discovered it is with people I feel not very comfortable talking to.

I have one friend who is so tuned into my thinking that I just talk to her and am "normal" to the extent that she actually said: I am not so sure you have aspergers, Suzanne. You are talking with me so very easily and I laughed ( ok, I had a bit of bewhilderment come to the fore) but said: remember it is the spectrum and I am not like this with everyone. In fact, YOU are the only one I feel "normal" with. There is some thought that she slips into the spectrum herself.

I have had it said: you think too much about yourself to think of others. But that is just not true, even if it APPEARS that way. It is because I am hyperaware of everything and guess what? I subconsciously learned it, because I NEVER used to be like it.

 

[Adora]

While I do struggle with picking up on when people are bored and it’s led to some embarrassing moments I do consider myself very empathetic,I tend to show empathy towards people who are struggling and I’m very empathetic towards animals,but conversation wise I have had issues with paying attention at times and also not knowing when I should change the topic because I don’t realise sometimes that I may be either annoying a person or they are disinterested,I can pick up when someone is happy or sad but it the inbetween like boredom,frustration or disinterest that I struggle also sarcasm is another thing and in the past flirtation from the opposite sex went over my head unless they made it real obvious.

 

[Progster]

I think that a lot of people with Asperger's/ASD feel like this. As others have also said, we are different to NTs not in our ability to feel empathy, but in the way we process this information. What a person is feeling is information to be processed, and we can easily become overwhelmed by it. We understand emotions intellectually, and not intuitively.

 

[OkRad]

Terribly empathetic. I don't mind it. It used to be harder because I did not know where to draw the line and would cry and care and all that.

Now, if I cannot do anything about it, I try to tone it down.

The wake up call was when I knew a man who was all messed up and I was so upset for him till I realized he was doing better about himself that I was doing about him! Doh!

People can cope and have very unique ways of coping. Often they don't need or want my compassion. So I try really hard to get a logical grasp on the situation before I start to let my feelings get the better of me.

 

[balsabonbon]

Terribly empathetic. I don't mind it. It used to be harder because I did not know where to draw the line and would cry and care and all that.

Now, if I cannot do anything about it, I try to tone it down.

People can cope and have very unique ways of coping. Often they don't need or want my compassion. So I try really hard to get a logical grasp on the situation before I start to let my feelings get the better of me.

Wow, this surprises me. I too am incredibly empathetic, and it had never occurred to me that someone may not want my compassion. That just seems foreign to me. I mean, now that I'm turning that possibility around in my head a bit, I can see where that could be true, but I would have never come up with that idea on my own.

In the past, my empathetic side has been so intensely active that it's affected my personal life in a very bad way. In the past year or so, I've begun to construct a wall that keeps other people out of my head, and that has helped a great deal, but building the wall is taking longer than I'd like.

 

[OkRad]

Wow, this surprises me. I too am incredibly empathetic, and it had never occurred to me that someone may not want my compassion. That just seems foreign to me. I mean, now that I'm turning that possibility around in my head a bit, I can see where that could be true, but I would have never come up with that idea on my own.

In the past, my empathetic side has been so intensely active that it's affected my personal life in a very bad way. In the past year or so, I've begun to construct a wall that keeps other people out of my head, and that has helped a great deal, but building the wall is taking longer than I'd like.

It hit me one time because this young girl got pregnant at a church I went to. She was confused as to what to do. I wanted to support her. This was during a time when I was in the throws of abuse and was almost non verbal. I was as Aspie as I have ever been, blatantly aspie and suffering. It took a lot of guts but I went up to her to see if she would like to get together or something because I cared. She LITERALLY looked me up and down, smirked, and said, "Yeah, right." and walked away. That stung. It was a direct act of rejection that could not be interpreted any other way. Now I am more careful.

 

[DCA]

It hit me one time because this young girl got pregnant at a church I went to. She was confused as to what to do. I wanted to support her. This was during a time when I was in the throws of abuse and was almost non verbal. I was as Aspie as I have ever been, blatantly aspie and suffering. It took a lot of guts but I went up to her to see if she would like to get together or something because I cared. She LITERALLY looked me up and down, smirked, and said, "Yeah, right." and walked away. That stung. It was a direct act of rejection that could not be interpreted any other way. Now I am more careful.

Keep in mind that was totally on her, and not on you. I've gotten that too (first girl I ever asked out laughed at me), but even if they're not interested that doesn't excuse poor behavior. I think your heart was in the right place, but she was still a jerk.

When people ask, I tend t describe myself as hyper-empathetic. That has given me issues too, where I take on too much. I think it also impacts my relationships, as I tend to have relationships with broken women. As I described to my therapist, they kick me directly in the feels & I can't control myself. I think it does lead to more emotional pain for me too.

 

[OkRad]

Keep in mind that was totally on her, and not on you. I've gotten that too (first girl I ever asked out laughed at me), but even if they're not interested that doesn't excuse poor behavior. I think your heart was in the right place, but she was still a jerk.

When people ask, I tend t describe myself as hyper-empathetic. That has given me issues too, where I take on too much. I think it also impacts my relationships, as I tend to have relationships with broken women. As I described to my therapist, they kick me directly in the feels & I can't control myself. I think it does lead to more emotional pain for me too.

I think it is hard wired for some of us. It certainly would effect everything. I think it is attached to sensory issues. I am super sensitive to many things, even touch, food, light, etc. So of course, I think it stands to reason that I would be super sensitive to my own and others' emotions. Do you have sensory issues?

 

[DCA]

My biggest sensory issues are with textures. I think I might have some light sensory issues, but that's not very debilitating. My texture issues aren't too bad if I take certain precautions or avoid certain things. Like unfinished wood makes my skin crawl. I used to have serious issues with tags on clothes, though that's not as bad as when I was a kid.

I was thinking recently that maybe I might be a little empathic. My GF was in a mood, & became depressed.

Edit: One thing about coming to these forums is that I question EVERYTHING now. Just yesterday I was stuck in traffic -- highway was a parking lot -- & that almost invariably sets me on edge. The car next to me had a mondo bass unit for his stereo, bass so loud it rattled the windows in MY car. I almost lost it. Like I thought I was going to have a meltdown for real. Maybe I do have some audio sensory issues too? Not sure...

 

[Autistamatic]

I tend to have relationships with broken women

That was the story of my life for many years - I'm still not 100% sure why it was that way.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think I’m too empathetic. A few years ago I realized that I would take on other people’s distress, as if it would help them, which it doesn’t. Taking on someone else’s pain was something I was trained to do, in my opinion, by having a narcissistic mother.
So I have learned to put up a wall like others have described. Except I visualize white and silver protective light surrounding me.
If I’m caught off guard, like watching sports and see someone twist a knee or ankle, I will feel the pain for a brief second and even call out an Ahhhhowww! Which of course brings comments from anyone else nearby “what are you crying about? You’re not the one that got hurt!”
Not only do I worry about if a listener is bored or not but I worry if they are physically comfortable. Are they standing too long? Is this causing pain in their back or knees? Are they thirsty? Is their glucose getting low? Silly, I know, but no wonder interactions make me tired!
Now, I can see why people may think I’m not empathetic because when I was younger I wouldn’t hesitate to ask a grieving person how their friend/relative died, or how long they were sick, did they die in the hospital, and ask other detailed questions about the disease or accident. I’ve learned not to ask, but I’m still curious.