The Struggles of the NT Wife

[DMMoore]

Good Afternoon,

My name is D, and I am new to this site. I found it on the internet while searching for more information and support in dealing with marriage to a spouse with Asperger's. I met my husband 7 years ago on an online dating site. It truly was love on the first date.

I found him handsome, hilarious, smart, and charming. He identified himself has having ADHD, and I could clearly see some of these features from the early stages of our dating life. I am a mental health professional, and I have a son with ADD, so this didn't really bother me at the time. I never really minded his loud tone or tendency to interrupt, or his hyperactivity and hyper-focus on certain hobbies, or his messiness and sometimes disorganized physical self and home, in the beginning.

But red flags began within a year or so, and I will admit I ignored them and rationalized them away. I have a tendency toward co-dependency, and I also thought I could compensate more than I should have. Things began to truly deteriorate when we moved in together in 2015, combined our homes and children, and then got married. Our children get along famously, and it is one of my main reasons for wanting the family and marriage to work. But our relationship has suffered, and our emotional connection to one another is next to nothing. We can't communicate well and fight often.

For the last several years, my husband was willing to see a psychiatrist, and his ADHD diagnosis was confirmed, but the doctor also believed he had signs of Bipolar, Depression and Anxiety. He was placed on Adderall XR, Zoloft and Wellbutrin. He took the medications on and off for the last several years. They helped some, but not really in any way that was as measurable as I would have liked. He stopped several months ago, and to be honest, I don't see that much difference.

I have researched ASD for several years now, and I am convinced this is his true diagnosis. He may have a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Mood Disorder, but the crux of our problems lie with relational and social problems associated with ASD. He would probably so well going back on an SSRI, but I don't know if I can convince him now.

My husband has had the same job for many years, and is capable of going there everyday, although he hates it. He is capable of attending all our kids functions; he is a supportive parent. But he cannot do much else. I am in charge of everything else.

I feel very lonely, sad, and angry. He refuses to attend therapy.

I am hoping to gain some insight into how to support myself, our children, and the home through this process. I am hoping to gain some coping skills for some of his idiosyncrasy's that might help me.

 

[Tom]

...I found him handsome, hilarious, smart, and charming...

Just going on a tangent here, but many people like yourself post similar threads and they often contain very positive first impressions like you expressed. But then as time passes a very different picture emerges.

And I have to wonder. Where did that guy and all the other wonderful guys go? It's almost like they went to Alfie's Rent-A-Personna and had to turn them back in. But I suppose it is human nature to put your best foot forward. Maybe next time take the foot to an appraiser first to make sure it's genuine. Or perhaps bite it. I am not sure what that does but they do it with gold.



But seriously, what you describe of his behavior has a few elements that might be autism but more that do not strike me as such. It would likely require a professional assessment to determine. But since he is unwilling to do anything along those lines I do not see that there is much that you can do. Coping skills are primarily what the person on the spectrum develops on their own or learns, not so much the family/friend, etc.

 

[Wolfnox]

Kinda of what i was afaird of in a marriage. Putting to much strain on the wife with my "quirks" or mood swings.

 

[Mia]

But our relationship has suffered, and our emotional connection to one another is next to nothing. We can't communicate well and fight often.

I'm an aspie married to another aspie for thirty plus years. I will help if I can, because I've gone through this in my marriage as well. First: 30 Fair Fighting Rules for Couples | Psychologia
This will help both you and your husband, if you are willing to both work at it.

He may have a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Mood Disorder, but the crux of our problems lie with relational and social problems associated with ASD.

I understand, there are many threads here on the site related to this, that you may want to take a look at:

ASD/NT relationships - NTs need for validation
Mixed ASD/NT Relationships
How do you convince a partner that their ASD is a big factor in relationship problems?
Negotiating needs between AS/NT partners

If you have any questions or simply want to discuss it off the main boards. You can personal message me by clicking on my avatar name and clicking on 'Start a conversation.'

 

[DMMoore]

Thanks so much for replying...the behaviors I listed in the intro were his initial ones, which were much more like ADHD. I have not gotten into the many things that came out when we started living together...I wasn’t sure how much I could type in the intro! Lol...those are the ones that made me choose ASD...I discovered my husband has tics, one he does with his hand and one with his mouth, when he is stressed or thinking. I realized he had severe sleep issues as well. I realized he has social reciprocity issues and could not identify his feelings when he was having them. I realized he had a very difficult when I had an emotion or wanted to talk about the relationship at all. I saw the intermittent explosions for the first time. I saw him become obsessive with his hobbies, like music, poetry, writing, video gaming, song writing, where he can get lost for hours or days, and spend ridiculous amounts of money not finishing projects but insisting they must be done. It was these things that got me. And then the extreme disinterest in the relationship, which came like a light switch. I’m trying to find ways to deal with these things. It is very hard when he won’t do therapy.

 

[Mia]

It is very hard when he won’t do therapy.

Went through a lot of couples therapy with my husband, and eventually by myself for a short while. I've not experienced couples therapy that works for aspies in relationships, unless the therapist specializes in relationships that include autistics. Aspies tend toward 'masking' during therapy, that is they become the socially acceptable person that others expect and see them as. So it takes a long while for a good therapist to work through that barrier.

My husband masked for ten years, a very long time to be that garrulous, friendly, motivated academic that he was when we first met. But it wasn't who he actually is, he's kinder in real life, gentler, interested in everything and a bit of a dreamer. Along with the aspie dimension there's also the fact that's he's male, and that comes with certain expectations of the male gender of his era.

I think it's important to consider that it's not disinterest in your relationship. If he is autistic he cannot consider unless told of other people's concerns. He needs to be made aware of the difficulties and issues, they will not occur to him as they might to you. So, speaking in a way that he will understand is key. Communicating Effectively With Your Asperger's Partner: Five Important Suggestions | Kenneth Roberson, Ph.D.

 

[DMMoore]

I feel like the masking lasted many years, and just became unhinged about a year ago; this is when the extreme challenges came, serious mood swings, extreme disinterest in working on the relationship or talking about things at all, more time in seclusion with his interests, more arguments that got really bad, more cognitive deficits, like memory issues and fine motor issues as well. He has really stopped taking care of his health as well, refusing to go to the doctor and gaining a lot of weight, not caring what he eats or drinks, and sometimes about hygiene either...things just seem to be more extreme...I just don’t know what to do...thanks for all the links as well.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Mia]

He has really stopped taking care of his health as well, refusing to go to the doctor and gaining a lot of weight, not caring what he eats or drinks, and sometimes about hygiene either...things just seem to be more extreme...I just don’t know what to do...thanks for all the links as well.

This must be very hard for you to see this happen to some one that you care about. And it sounds more like depression than autism. Although depressive episodes are comorbid with autism, so not that unusual. With all this happening, my suggestion would be to lower your expectations during this depressive state if you can.

This may as well be caused by damage from his previous relationship, something you can do little about if he won't talk about it. As there's little you can do to 'fix' another person who's experiencing depression, as you likely already comprehend. I know what it is to do it all, job and everything else. Hopefully, the depression lessens over time. Getting him to speak honestly would be optimal, and really listening to his concerns. Yet I know what it feels like, to stuff it all back in an attempt to help. Not good for you either.

 

[DMMoore]

I do believe he is depressed; I believe the SSRIs were helping him, and stopping them a few months ago has hurt him and was a mistake, but you can’t talk to him when he decides something. He can be very stubborn as well. It’s hard when there are multiple diagnoses at play. I know I can’t fix him. Your suggestion to lower expectation and ride out the episode is a good idea. I need to give him space and time. I read one of the articles that said that if they see you as being “unable to please” they give up. He may see me this way right now because I have been so critical lately, and we have had more fights. I may have to back off in order to get him to reengage. This has reset him before. Thanks so much.

 

[DMMoore]

He used to say to be a lot “just let me reset.”
I thought the comment was strange. He would tell me that, in a few minutes or even an hours he would “forget” an argument or fight and not be upset anymore. I could never comprehend it. I would remember things for years! This was another clue for me of his AS. He didn’t really FEEL arguments or fights, or how they impacted me, in any way. He could be fine in minutes. Now his reset button appears broken, and he seems more disengaged and defensive. But he still tells me to “be nice, or don’t be critical for a while and I’ll be able to reset and things will be okay again.” He still isn’t able to talk about how his actions have impacted me or my feelings about things, but he is able to say that.

 

[Mia]

One of the things you should keep in mind during discussions, arguments, is that aspies very often have difficulty responding in the heat of moment. One problem at a time, and wait for a response later when they are ready. Even the next day. In other words when emotions are extreme, they tend toward distancing themselves. Depending on the person, they become almost mute, quiet, upset, or they disappear, needing time to think.

 

[Pats]

Those on the spectrum do have a difficult time in relationships - it's never what the other person wants or expects. I'm sure, as many, the fact that he is still there should speak volumes that he cares about the relationship. We show it in different ways than NT's. He may feel like, even though you married him with these quirks, now you are trying to fix him to suit your needs more. And I agree with @Mia about dealing with one problem at a time and having difficulty responding in the heat of the moment. I've had similar discussions with my daughter in law - that when she starts complaining about he doesn't do this or that, etc, he feels threatened (not physically) and he's not going to respond. It makes her feel like he's being distant but that's not it. She started changing the way she talks to him and they communicate much better. And, I hope I don't seem cold, but if someone decided that I need to be on medications to fix me I'd be out. Have you considered getting on something to make you feel calmer and more able to handle the situation?

 

[DMMoore]

I am currently taking medication for myself, and I do have an individual therapist. As a therapist myself, I know it is important. But these comments and feedback from other AS people are sooo helpful. This is something I was missing, is knowing what others in my situation were doing. I know he struggled with the idea of taking medication; the truth was he needed it, but how do you tell him that without him feeling it is about fixing him? It is a tough situation. We do very well with scripting; I realize that when I text or write him something in email, he does much better. He probably can handle it because he can read it several times and break it down. I realize that is probably the better option for dealing with problems, instead of face to face and high intensity emotions. That was a good suggestion. I think I am having a harder time now because he appears to need more time alone than he used to, and I spend a lot of time on my own now. Our sex life was a huge bonus for many years as well, and that has changed dramatically in the last year as well. I think another issue will be making a choice if these adjustments a NT person has to make are the kind a person wants to make the rest of their lives. I have spent 7 years making them, and a part of me is very tired; a part of me has lost many friendships because our home and the relationship takes so much work on my part. I would like to go back to having time for myself and my relationships, but I don't think he can compensate on his end by doing more work for the home and kids. It leaves me with some resentments.

 

[Tom]

On a tangent again, but I wonder if it will come to the point where you can get a computer generated spouse. For tax purposes only. Someone whom you can check all the right blocks with on your tax return... over 65, blind, a farmer that suffered huge losses due to global warming. And to have and to hold, you'd get a 8 x 10 picture of your new spouse to frame. Some random attractive person purchased from Photo-Stock. With the eyes blacked out of course.

 

[DMMoore]

I printed the Fair Fighting Rules and brought them home...these 30 on the link are better than the ones I have from my practice! Thanks for those

 

[DMMoore]

On a tangent again, but I wonder if it will come to the point where you can get a computer generated spouse. For tax purposes only. Someone whom you can check all the right blocks with on your tax return... over 65, blind, a farmer that suffered huge losses due to global warming. And to have and to hold, you'd get a 8 x 10 picture of your new spouse to frame. Some random attractive person purchased from Photo-Stock. With the eyes blacked out of course.

That sounds like a joke my husband would make It's really witty and funny, but hurtful at the same time; I reflect on it inside, that I must be a selfish person for wanting to feel differently than I do, for wanting things from him that, logically, he can't provide. Trust me, that is my first thought and feeling, to judge myself, not him. Then I try my hardest to be logical, to stop feeling and thinking as I do, and to change expectations and do all work of feeling and doing myself. It doesn't last too long, especially when I get home from work, and he walks past me and doesn't ask my how my day was because he can't wait to get to his computer, because he has some great idea for a song or quote of the day, and he stays there for a couple hours, and I could stand there for an hour, and he could speak to me about his interest for the whole time, and not once mention how I look or what I did or how I feel, and it feels like I don't actually exist. Then I go cry a little in my room, and remind myself he loves me and is just excited about his interest, and go call my Mom. LOL
That 8x10 sounding kinda good right now LOL

 

[Mia]

Think it's time for you to begin to notice things out of the ordinary that relate to your relationship. Even when my spouse is not around, I know he does and says things all the time that show how much he cares about me. For thirty plus years, he's brought me an espresso that he's made, every day, for a very long time. He does the dishes every night. He's quiet if I'm reading. He researches things that are mentioned, read books that I've enjoyed. There are many more instances that show how he feels about me, that are not overt or even noticeable by many. To me, they are about affection and caring, even love.

A lot of the things were taught, learned, experienced growing up as females were created to sell things. Society used the concept of love to persuade people that buying something was equated with love. These ideas are superficial, meant to exist on the surface, the flowers, the ring, the professed adoration. They aren't so much about love and to some aspies they don't seem real or honest.

Buying flowers and chocolates is easier that actually doing the hard work that is a relationship. Living through the good and the difficult and working at it, makes for a solid foundation. Pleased to have discovered this, while searching for answers. It made me realize that I didn't really know anything about love. What was considered caring, was far different from the reality. That what I wanted, and searched for was not straight out of Cinderella or Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre. In that way I developed a different perspective.

 

[Aspychata]

One of the things you should keep in mind during discussions, arguments, is that aspies very often have difficulty responding in the heat of moment. One problem at a time, and wait for a response later when they are ready. Even the next day. In other words when emotions are extreme, they tend toward distancing themselves. Depending on the person, they become almost mute, quiet, upset, or they disappear, needing time to think.

Thank you so much for this. I didn't quite get this but they do shutdown then l feel super horrendous because of my insecurity and then l am drowning in confusion. So now everything needs to come with a calender that this is being thought about, and l will get back to you.
l would like to tattoo this on my arm when they go south on me.
l like action and lets take care of this, l have totally stepped aside of that attitude and realised it has zero standing with this situtation.

Another time l brought up that we have know each other this many years. So l guess a simple affirmation of yes, we really have. That's pretty cool. But l received coolness and then of course l ran out my door of insecurity and just felt bad. l suck at adulting and relationshiping. lol. Being on the spectrum requires emotional uppers like happy pills.

 

[Aspychata]

Because of this post (thank you), l am going to ask questions but only first by asking what they feel. As it stands, l don't like to ask questions because l feel it shuts them down completely. So it's a learning experience. But the communication has really improved.