The Struggles of the NT Wife

[Pats]

You know, I really think it's a help for the NT spouse to have family and friends that they can share with, because that might be all you get. Him sharing his excitement with you is a good thing. If you can tell him, in a nice tone when you are getting along, that you feel like you need time to share and perhaps you both can agree to each day, between these hours you talk and both share your day, or designate time for him and time for you. It helped with my son and DIL. But you have to be specific and have suggestions and relay them in a non critical way. The reason you have to have the suggestions is because he's not going to be able to come up with any because he can't really understand what the problem is.
(Of course, this is not written in stone, just a consideration).

 

[DMMoore]

@Mia

This is sooo incredibly true! My husband is NEVER brought me roses, or given me a card, or sentimental gift of ANY KIND. He finds holidays and birthdays completely ridiculous; it is very difficult to get him to even enjoy and collaborate in my own family's traditions, but he does it for our kids and for me, but I can visibly see the hardship it is for him. It has definitely made me rethink what demonstrations of love really are, and not from magazines or things I learned growing up. I have to try to see love through his eyes. I have to try to find examples of ways he shows love. One is showing up for all of my children's events; he has been the best stepfather anyone could ever ask for; he supports them as if they were his own. That is hard to find. One is never complaining about how much money I spend or what I choose to buy. I am not a big spender, but he is not controlling or picky, and lets me handle home decisions. He is never jealous; I don't even think he experiences that emotion, or envy. It is very refreshing. It is helpful to look at these qualities. They are what has kept me in the relationship.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

I am a mental health professional,...

With what kind of training/background?

I have researched ASD for several years now, and I am convinced this is his true diagnosis.

What sources have been drawing on for coping (not diagnosis)?

One camp sees the whole spectrum as a mental illness. (They are stuck at Kanner's view of autism.)

The other camp sees ASD1 as a viable, alternative neurology. ASD1.x+ is the same autism that has been aggravated by a neonatal insult; they have a TBI on top of ASD1. These additional defects are known as co-morbid conditions in autism circles and are more pronounced in ASD1.x+. (ASD1.x+ was very rare before the Millennials and exploded in that generation going forward.)

If your resources have been from the first camp, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Look at resources from the second camp. (As mental health pro, you may be able to talk shop with these people.) From that, you may be able to make a provisional diagnosis.

• If he is just ASD1, you need to learn how he ticks, just like with a gifted person.
• If he is ASD1.x+, you will need to learn all of the above AND identify/cope with the symptoms of his TBI (which isn't autism).

 

[DMMoore]

@Crossbreed

I’m not sure I completely understand all of what you are saying...I am a therapist myself and do work with mental health daily. I have consulted with colleagues as well as doctors and psychiatrists about him. I believe what I see is simply neurodiversity, but I do see developmental deficits he struggles with, along with mental health issues. There have been times I have thought about TBI, to be honest, but that has never been evaluated or confirmed. He has no history that I know of.

 

[Crossbreed]

...but I do see developmental deficits he struggles with, along with mental health issues.

Is he a Millennial, or is he older?
My perspective requires that you consider a different paradigm.

1. ASD1 (having minimum complications) has always been present in the form of quirky, eccentric, innovative, thinking-outside-of-the-box type of people. We weren't pathologized because we were generally able to maintain our own affairs (especially if we found our niche). And we could mask when we needed to. Our traits are very similar to giftedness, whether we are gifted or not, such as Dabrowski's overexcitabilities.
   
2. Severe autism [n.k.a. ASD2/3] was extremely rare. Because of its rarity, it was hard to zero in on its causes. These make no attempt to mask their condition, because they are so low-functioning. (Since that hasn't been resolved, it is probably still present, if obscured.)
3. Around the late 1970s/early 1980s, there was an unprecedented uptick in ASD2/3 cases that was overwhelming the school special ed. services. This epidemic has been referred to as Millennial autism.
   
4. As this epidemic intensified, more research was put into autism. One of its discoveries was the existence of ASD1 individuals, but ASD1s were never a part of the special ed. overload. The people tracking that made that point clear (see link at #3). ASD1s aren't/weren't new, just newly identified.
5. This new wave of ASD2/3s did not have family histories of ASD2/3s (which was quite rare and rarely went on to have children), but there were family histories of ASD1 and suspected ASD1s.
6. The surge mentioned in #3 could not be explained by heredity, alone. Something in the environment was turning ASD1 children into ASD2/3 children. Some parents noticed a change during early vaccinations. This led to the suspicion of the mercury-based preservative, thimerosal. Thimerosal has since been removed (and ruled out). Because ASD1 had not been recognized, yet, most theories surmised that the unknown factor was turning neuro-typical [NT] children into regressive autistics. No one had even suspected that the children were already born autistic [ASD1] and were more susceptible to the unknown insult. That injury happens neonatally and is similar to a TBI.
   
7. This research pointed to a very good candidate for the [allergen] in question, and was in the right places at the right times. These researchers are/were still characterizing the change as being from NT-to-autistic, but their model translates well for the ASD1-to-ASD2/3 hypothesis, including why only a select few have had a such a bad reaction to it.

California DDS autism cases by birth year, as of 2014
(This chart does not count/include ASD1s, only ASD2s/3s
and these cases did not exist previously under a different diagnosis.)
​

If you want to cope with your husband's differences (assuming that he is autistic), you must determine

• if he is a garden-variety ASD1 and learn a new way of communicating, or
• if there is an unrecognized TBI in the mix. [ASD1.x is colloquial notation for someone who is on the line between ASD1 & ASD2.] Severe co-morbid conditions can be mental illnesses, but any therapy will need to take his base neurology into account. He can be a healthier ASD1, but he will never be a healthy NT.

 

[Thinx]

I think it would be useful to look at your post where you replied to Tom about how you judge yourself and feel that you may be selfish etc. It seemed like you were assuring Tom that if you seemed judgemental of your partner, you were even more judgemental of yourself. How is that a good thing?

To me you seem a bit unrealistic about both him and yourself. If you are unhappy with the relationship overall, having a long wish list about how your partner could or should change isn't particularly likely to improve things.

I hear that you're a therapist, but you chose this man as a partner, not as a client, so it will likely be more helpful to consider your own behaviours and motivations in relationships and how these work for you, rather than appeal to strangers to support you in diagnosing him.

 

[Crossbreed]

I hear that you're a therapist, but you chose this man as a partner, not as a client, so it will likely be more helpful to consider your own behaviours and motivations in relationships and how these work for you, rather than appeal to strangers to support you in diagnosing him.

@DMMoore , your background can help you, but @Thinx is correct. You are too close to this to be 100% objective. You cannot be truly dispassionate in this relationship. You need a fresh pair of eyes.

 

[DMMoore]

I think it would be useful to look at your post where you replied to Tom about how you judge yourself and feel that you may be selfish etc. It seemed like you were assuring Tom that if you seemed judgemental of your partner, you were even more judgemental of yourself. How is that a good thing?

To me you seem a bit unrealistic about both him and yourself. If you are unhappy with the relationship overall, having a long wish list about how your partner could or should change isn't particularly likely to improve things.

I hear that you're a therapist, but you chose this man as a partner, not as a client, so it will likely be more helpful to consider your own behaviours and motivations in relationships and how these work for you, rather than appeal to strangers to support you in diagnosing him.

 

[DMMoore]

It’s funny, your replies sound like something my spouse would say. They include assumptions of things I never said. I don’t need help with diagnosis, I know that already; I think I said that in my intro. I am here for support and perspectives. I don’t see him as a client; I would have left him already if that were the case lol. I am hard on myself. And I do have expectations for relationships, and I do find it emotionally hard sometimes to be with someone with AS, simply because of the things they cannot do or do differently than A NT. I don’t think I said being hard myself was good? You missed the sarcasm of the 8x10 joke. But he would have missed that too. It has been eye opening to see how people have the exact same patterns on here in their responses to things. I makes me realize it’s not just my spouse. That is extremely helpful.

 

[DMMoore]

@DMMoore , your background can help you, but @Thinx is correct. You are too close to this to be 100% objective. You cannot be truly dispassionate in this relationship. You need a fresh pair of eyes.

 

[DMMoore]

I actually feel better about him and less judgmental now that I see the responses on here. I see the general similarities and that is helpful.

 

[DMMoore]

There can be times when things get tough when you think they are just a dick, but really they aren’t. It good to see things through both lenses.

 

[Thinx]

Ok but you do seem to immediately deny suggestions relating to yourself, and to attribute them to the other persons neurodiversity, compared to your neurotypicality. I think it's useful in relationship difficulties or differences to consider your self and your own part in how it is. I hope it starts to improve for you through gaining a wider perspective.

 

[DMMoore]

Ok but you do seem to immediately deny suggestions relating to yourself, and to attribute them to the other persons neurodiversity, compared to your neurotypicality. I think it's useful in relationship difficulties or differences to consider your self and your own part in how it is. I hope it starts to improve for you through gaining a wider perspective.

 

[DMMoore]

That is the hope...

 

[DMMoore]

Is he a Millennial, or is he older?
My perspective requires that you consider a different paradigm.

1. ASD1 (having minimum complications) has always been present in the form of quirky, eccentric, innovative, thinking-outside-of-the-box type of people. We weren't pathologized because we were generally able to maintain our own affairs (especially if we found our niche). And we could mask when we needed to. Our traits are very similar to giftedness, whether we are gifted or not, such as Dabrowski's overexcitabilities.
   
2. Severe autism [n.k.a. ASD2/3] was extremely rare. Because of its rarity, it was hard to zero in on its causes. These make no attempt to mask their condition, because they are so low-functioning. (Since that hasn't been resolved, it is probably still present, if obscured.)
3. Around the late 1970s/early 1980s, there was an unprecedented uptick in ASD2/3 cases that was overwhelming the school special ed. services. This epidemic has been referred to as Millennial autism.
   
4. As this epidemic intensified, more research was put into autism. One of its discoveries was the existence of ASD1 individuals, but ASD1s were never a part of the special ed. overload. The people tracking that made that point clear (see link at #3). ASD1s aren't/weren't new, just newly identified.
5. This new wave of ASD2/3s did not have family histories of ASD2/3s (which was quite rare and rarely went on to have children), but there were family histories of ASD1 and suspected ASD1s.
6. The surge mentioned in #3 could not be explained by heredity, alone. Something in the environment was turning ASD1 children into ASD2/3 children. Some parents noticed a change during early vaccinations. This led to the suspicion of the mercury-based preservative, thimerosal. Thimerosal has since been removed (and ruled out). Because ASD1 had not been recognized, yet, most theories surmised that the unknown factor was turning neuro-typical [NT] children into regressive autistics. No one had even suspected that the children were already born autistic [ASD1] and were more susceptible to the unknown insult. That injury happens neonatally and is similar to a TBI.
   
7. This research pointed to a very good candidate for the [allergen] in question, and was in the right places at the right times. These researchers are/were still characterizing the change as being from NT-to-autistic, but their model translates well for the ASD1-to-ASD2/3 hypothesis, including why only a select few have had a such a bad reaction to it.

California DDS autism cases by birth year, as of 2014
(This chart does not count/include ASD1s, only ASD2s/3s
and these cases did not exist previously under a different diagnosis.)
​

If you want to cope with your husband's differences (assuming that he is autistic), you must determine

• if he is a garden-variety ASD1 and learn a new way of communicating, or
• if there is an unrecognized TBI in the mix. [ASD1.x is colloquial notation for someone who is on the line between ASD1 & ASD2.] Severe co-morbid conditions can be mental illnesses, but any therapy will need to take his base neurology into account. He can be a healthier ASD1, but he will never be a healthy NT.

 

[DMMoore]

He is 47, almost 48. He is ASD1 for sure, I believe when he was young they simply didn’t know how to explain him, thought he might be gifted and somewhat ADHD...he was valedictorian in high school and college, and for an almost perfect score on the MCATS. He just has some specifics intelligences, including music and science and physics. But he also has the social challenges and anxiety...etc...he is doing much better now that he is off meds actually...I think stimulants were a bad idea. He will have to manage some tendencies toward depression, but I think he can do it. We are working better lately. Thanks so the info.

 

[disconnected]

I was misdiagnosed with ADD as a child . About 3 years ago, I was diagnosed HFA with no ADD. Something to think about.

I’ve been with my Wife for almost 10 years.

I know it’s hard for her, but all realationships are and require work.