Spotting Aspergers Syndrome In Men

[Judge]

I recently came across this article and was curious as to what others (both NT and Aspie) thought of it.

While it had some truths and generalizations, the viewpoint itself read more like that of someone "feeling like a victim" of someone in their social orbit who was on the spectrum.

Not flattering in any particular way and perhaps not meant to be. It was painful to read it. To be honest, it made me feel bad....about me.

http://heartlessaspergers.com/how-to-spot-a-man-with-aspergers-syndrome/

 

[Vinca]

It sounds as though it is written by a woman who has had a relationship with a man on the spectrum and it hasn't gone well for her, and part of her response to dealing with this is to 'warn' others of the potential problems.

I didn't feel as though it was constructive, educational or aimed at encouraging understanding of the challenges a NT/AS relationship may encounter but rather that the author trying to 'warn' women about Asperger's Syndrome and present it as being wholly negative.

 

[Mia]

I know the website, and have read most of the material it encompasses. It seems random and even arbitrary and populated by individuals who were wounded in their relationships with mainly aspie husbands. It pulls out every propensity and problem that individuals with HFA may or may not have. Almost all of it is negative and it appears IMHO to be a revenge site. Personally I find it hurtful and full of misunderstanding.

Much of the information is subjective, and a lot of it appears to be a superficial understanding of aspies. When you understand that you can not create the world in your own vision, accepting that there are others who perceive the world in a different manner. Then you are unable to control all of it, the term narcissism comes to mind and its relentless egotistical control.

You can't really create your world in your own 'right' sided vision, when living with a partner. You have to compromise and give, and learn to understand other viewpoints. This is where the site falls short, it makes aspies the bad guys, and refuses to consider that a relationship takes two people to function, that the other person within it has to compromise as well, not making the other the 'bad' person and one 'right' because they don't want what the other wants.

Another mirror site from the point of view of aspies could easily be created that dispels many of these attributions. Some of the written traits are nature and nurture related behaviour, traits that have nothing to do with aspies, but have more to do with OCD or ADHD or PTSD and other difficulties.

Much of my difficulty with the site itself, is it's lack of backbone and personal responsibility when it comes to deciding what is best for oneself. Instead it carps and complains and individuals are victims of others. Every person has the power to act.

 

[toothless]

judge, dont feel bad-your not a bad guy at all-im going to bet that was written by a NT woman whose been hurt by someone with aspergers and theyre now relating their hurt directly to aspergers,im sure of it-ive seen it happen a few times before on the internet.
thats quite an awful representation of aspergers-i mean the way theyve wrote it is very negative.
eg, saying men with aspergers are bad drivers or lack empathy-thats bulls***t,you cant say aspie men are bad drivers-plenty are good and sensible drivers-ive seen positive examples on so many forums;my dad for example was a great driver it was his job when he worked and he follows rules of the road religeously.
and you cant say aspies lack empathy, just because they have the label of aspergers, its up to the individual to say if they lack empathy or not-you cant know by a label if someone lacks empathy, especially with autism when its complex traits can appear to look like lack of empathy when it isnt.

anyway judge,you are your own man, you dont need a woman with a grudge to tell you; you behave in a certain manner, we all know aspie men are unique and she can go stuff herself.

 

[Judge]

judge, dont feel bad-your not a bad guy at all-im going to bet that was written by a NT woman whose been hurt by someone with aspergers and theyre now relating their hurt directly to aspergers,im sure of it-ive seen it happen a few times before on the internet.
thats quite an awful representation of aspergers-i mean the way theyve wrote it is very negative.
eg, saying men with aspergers are bad drivers or lack empathy-thats bulls***t,you cant say aspie men are bad drivers-plenty are good and sensible drivers-ive seen positive examples on so many forums;my dad for example was a great driver it was his job when he worked and he follows rules of the road religeously.
and you cant say aspies lack empathy, just because they have the label of aspergers, its up to the individual to say if they lack empathy or not-you cant know by a label if someone lacks empathy, especially with autism when its complex traits can appear to look like lack of empathy when it isnt.

anyway judge,you are your own man, you dont need a woman with a grudge to tell you; you behave in a certain manner, we all know aspie men are unique and she can go stuff herself.

It could have been written by some of my NT-exes as well. It does itemize some of the "grievances" my own NT cousin has against me. It just all depresses me to ponder how much of this "online rant" may be true in part.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Sorry it doesn't sound like a particular nice piece and in cases of that I refuse to give them traffic.

 

[Mia]

The thing to keep in mind here I think, is that the site lacks two sides. As soon as I realized how blinded it was to the other 'missing' dimension the more it became an opinion piece.

 

[Judge]

The thing to keep in mind here I think, is that the site lacks two sides. As soon as I realized how blinded it was to the other 'missing' dimension the more it became an opinion piece.

No question. It's a "rant" and little else. It's just coming across these words it's as if I could hear their voice...and intense ire.

 

[Mia]

and you cant say aspies lack empathy, just because they have the label of aspergers, its up to the individual to say if they lack empathy or not-you cant know by a label if someone lacks empathy, especially with autism when its complex traits can appear to look like lack of empathy when it isnt.

They only lack an 'empathy' that another culture doesn't recognize. Some Aspies have so much empathy that they can barely function because people 'broadcast' too much and they pick up on it. Often it makes me want to run screaming into the night and become a hermit who lives in a cave.

 

[puzzlingbill]

It sounds to me like she thought she was getting a trophy husband and got a real person, who is not perfect, instead. And apparently he's the first person in history to try to hide his weaknesses in order to come off well in a social situation. It must have taken a lot of effort to do the research and set up her revenge site; it would have taken a lot less to learn about his condition and how to deal with it.

 

[watersprite]

Judge Agree with what the others, above, have said. (Please take to heart the positives people tell you here.)

Makes me kinda want to start a blog about succeeding in a relationship - aspie to aspie that is.

 

[Professori]

Wow, extensive use of generalization and hyperbole! I often wonder why those who state that they have been hurt by an Aspie do not take a much deeper look into the individual they have been with, but they tend to be as 'self-focussed' (often the claim) as they claim Aspies are, and I really do not feel that I am now generalizing.

I ask again - what is 'normal'? We live in a society that is incredibly individualistic - me, myself, I - see how I have been hurt, how I have lost so much, how I could not find what I wanted in that relationship, etc. Good grief, but it seems to me that NT's are just as bad as they say we are.

It is not really good strategy to 'pass' because the reality will always emerge anyway, and besides, at least we can say that because of the so-called shortcomings of Aspies, they can't really help being real. Not that I do not understand the pressures to 'pass' - I really do.

Personally, I want to be with real people who don't try to pretend they are who they are not! This is difficult to find in a plastic world where generally people don't even know themselves, but have tried to clone themselves to societal expectations. It's confusing.

To standardize every Aspie according to a formula list of traits is very naive because it assumes we are all the same while we are all incredibly unique. I am absolutely positive that there are many positive relationships between Aspies and NT's because time has been taken to plumb the depths of the individual who is Aspie.

Each one of us has our own stuff to deal with and which has potential to hurt and be misunderstood by others.

 

[Evil Genius]

Funny thing is, my NT wife has said many times if I came across while dating the way I do now, she may not have married me. My dear wife though was guarded and came across as more independent while we were dating. As well as our dating circumstances played well in to me being a ND because we only saw each other every other weekend, and then communicated over the phone every evening in between.

 

[On the Inside]

I have stumbled across similar blogs in my early exploration on this condition. I will not intentionally view another like it, as I've had enough such rants from my own NT SO. I have heard the claims of "you weren't like this at first", and it wasn't because I was trying to "pass", I was just being myself, and "how I am now" is me responding to another person with what has turned out to be unrealistic expectations of me.

Don't know how to respond to this. I never had much difficulty getting along with people before, in fact, I have even gotten along well with people others found hard to deal with. Since I am involved with someone who really gets upset by who I am, I find I have no skills to deal with it.