Something bugging me... I hope others get this?

[SunnyDay16]

No, you're not unreasonable for feeling this way. I don't really tell people I have Asperger's unless I absolutely have to, because I don't really take pride in having it. I accept it, but I don't take pride in it.

 

[wight]

Chance, it sounds like you are struggling what many people eventually run across...if I am what I do, what happens when I can't do that anymore?

Without going into great detail, in a prior life, I was in the military. I believed in what I was doing, I was really good at my job, in large part my sense of who I was, my self worth, was part and parcel of what I did. When I retired, I realized that all that time, energy, effort, was basically wasted. It was devastating. I had to relearn everything I thought I knew about who I was and where I was going and learn to place value in something other than "Look, I did this good thing, I made a difference".

None of that makes it better or easier. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Just understand you are not alone in how you are feeling or what you are going through.

 

[Streetwise]

look up disability descrimination against autistic adults in the workplace! i also typed in usa! there were numerous sites .
the scum that slandered you should be warned:-| make sure you know the law that pertains to descrimination against autistic adults its not the same as physical disability
:-[ print it out keep it with you at the office
:-|
you have to be as wise as a snake :-@ people sue for the fact that you farted near them these days .:-(

I always try and be honest as possible, but in truth I am diagnosed with mostly high functioning Autism and other stuff. I often just try and run under the radar with Asperger's, just because to tell someone I have Autism (and all the add ons) just makes me feel lesser of a human maybe? It makes me feel stupid, or weak, and I'm not.

Asperger's just sounds less harsh, less formal, less labeled. Yet, I sort of feel like a liar and that bothers me? When I am forced into discussing this in person (which makes me very uncomfortable) Do you think its okay to just say Asperger's... I have a reason for asking.

I have said Asperger's, and people just usually roll with it, and all is basically cool, but you say Autism and people often get cold, or awkward, or ask some really stupid questions that I don't want to deal with. Some have even made some reasonably ugly remarks and it sucks.

You can be honest with your answers... I asked for the honesty, so say what you think.

 

[Chance]

Chance, it sounds like you are struggling what many people eventually run across...if I am what I do, what happens when I can't do that anymore?

Without going into great detail, in a prior life, I was in the military. I believed in what I was doing, I was really good at my job, in large part my sense of who I was, my self worth, was part and parcel of what I did. When I retired, I realized that all that time, energy, effort, was basically wasted. It was devastating. I had to relearn everything I thought I knew about who I was and where I was going and learn to place value in something other than "Look, I did this good thing, I made a difference".

None of that makes it better or easier. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Just understand you are not alone in how you are feeling or what you are going through.

Wight, thank you so much for your advice and for serving, a lot of my family are Navy.

Yes, this sort of triggered some things I wasn't expecting at all, nor ready to face just yet.

I'm not going to just roll over and give up. I guess this just made me understand that I will have to accept things that I haven't been able to accept, and I will once more have to readapt.

I now basically know my limits and I cant seem to find any way to increase them, so from there I will recreate the reality I will need to survive. I just have to be creative and find a way to use what I already have to get me to a more sensible and fitting place. It's basically what got me to where I am now, so I just change it to fit from here, doing no harm to others of course.

Nothing is in dire straights, there is no rush, but this experience just went off like a siren in me to maybe give me a heads up that yes life is limitless, but I have to be able to navigate within it.

Its kind of weird how I started this out over something basically trivial, and it turned into what is behind the whole thing... It's not about labels, or me being diagnosed. Its about what we do with what we see as limitations, and what we do with the changes we have to deal with. I'm reasonably optimistic, (yes I do have my nasty negative days) but its sometimes facing that nasty negative stuff is what brings fourth that next path in this maze that never ends.

Thank all of you... you have been more help then you know. I feel so much better, and I know everything is going to work out. That rude guy, he was just a messenger of all the stuff I was ignoring... So instead of hating him, I should thank him. I would if I knew who he was. So I just forgive him and free this whole thing to eventually take me to the next phase in life.

I'm a learner... I often learn the hard way, I often smash into a mental wall that I cant see with physical eyes, but I always want to become more of who I am... I am not a loser, none of us are.
Its all in how we perceive this crazy contrast that surrounds us.
Without the bad we cant know good, without the good we cant know bad.
If it was perfect, LIFE would be this empty void of nothingness.
I just want to balance it out a little better, thats all.

 

[Chance]

look up disability descrimination against autistic adults in the workplace! i also typed in usa! there were numerous sites .
the scum that slandered you should be warned:-| make sure you know the law that pertains to descrimination against autistic adults its not the same as physical disability
:-[ print it out keep it with you at the office
:-|
you have to be as wise as a snake :-@ people sue for the fact that you farted near them these days .:-(

Thanks so much Street, but finish the sentence please... "you have to be as wise as a snake - but gentle as a dove."

I suck at being the snake. I wanted to get all offended and I did for a while, but it seems to just make things worse for me usually. I know nothing happens without a reason, even if that reason was to get me to STOP and think in a different way... All of you helped me do that in your own unique way. So I thank you so much...

Admittedly, I get hung up and stuck on stuff that maybe others just blow off easily. Maybe its because I have to put so much effort into what I say, and how I act. I do this to try and fit in, and I get upset when I cant seem to do so.

Yes, for a time I wanted to rip this guys face off, but I didn't have the energy, nor would I ever do that... It was just bad horrible thoughts I was having, that only made me feel worse about who I really am. I'm not that guy, nor the guy who could ever use my limitations as an excuse to get back at someone.

Yes, what you are saying... very much has its place, and I fully believe people need to be defended from ruthless people. My deal was I put myself in that nightmare, and I knew going in that it was going to be a really tough day with people who are openly very sure of themselves. I just have to be real with the situation, even though he was very, very wrong in what he said, or was he just stating what he saw as fact?
I try so hard to see both sides, but I only understand what I see in my head... And I have to realize he may have seen a guy (me) who was really stressed out for no apparent reason, so he said something really stupid. Thats the only way I get past this stuff.

Thanks so much for caring and sharing : )

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I finally did something good, but the toll I pay everyday is massive.

Each time I accomplish something, anything...I think of something similar to this. Yet that one accomplishment, the deed where I didn't disappoint anybody or screw anything up - it makes me feel different about myself, it makes me feel actual happiness inside me...not a mixture of happiness and worry. The feeling is always temporary though, because oftentimes at work the boss would tell me good job but then after that, either minutes or days/weeks later, we end up reaching a moment where something is not working...and I start hating myself again. A lot. I throw tantrums in front of my coworkers, and still get those goddam "what good will worrying do for you?" - they just don't understand. They're not on the spectrum, so how can they expect me to just magically stop worrying???? And should I have logically been fired ages ago?? Whenever something ends up not working (and usually I'm responsible), I ALWAYS fix it - even if I threw a tantrum or made an excuse. I put myself in his shoes and I just keep getting cold feet about myself...so how in the world am I still there? I just feel like my coworkers are better at simply NOT causing these goddam software bugs in the first place because they have common sense and I don't.

 

[Streetwise]

no human is perfect every human has vices after pandoras box was opened and the evil of the world was.released one weak thing was left hope

Each time I accomplish something, anything...I think of something similar to this. Yet that one accomplishment, the deed where I didn't disappoint anybody or screw anything up - it makes me feel different about myself, it makes me feel actual happiness inside me...not a mixture of happiness and worry. The feeling is always temporary though, because oftentimes at work the boss would tell me good job but then after that, either minutes or days/weeks later, we end up reaching a moment where something is not working...and I start hating myself again. A lot. I throw tantrums in front of my coworkers, and still get those goddam "what good will worrying do for you?" - they just don't understand. They're not on the spectrum, so how can they expect me to just magically stop worrying???? And should I have logically been fired ages ago?? Whenever something ends up not working (and usually I'm responsible), I ALWAYS fix it - even if I threw a tantrum or made an excuse. I put myself in his shoes and I just keep getting cold feet about myself...so how in the world am I still there? I just feel like my coworkers are better at simply NOT causing these goddam software bugs in the first place because they have common sense and I don't.

 

[Grandmother B]

I always try and be honest as possible, but in truth I am diagnosed with mostly high functioning Autism and other stuff. I often just try and run under the radar with Asperger's, just because to tell someone I have Autism (and all the add ons) just makes me feel lesser of a human maybe? It makes me feel stupid, or weak, and I'm not.

Asperger's just sounds less harsh, less formal, less labeled. Yet, I sort of feel like a liar and that bothers me? When I am forced into discussing this in person (which makes me very uncomfortable) Do you think its okay to just say Asperger's... I have a reason for asking.

I have said Asperger's, and people just usually roll with it, and all is basically cool, but you say Autism and people often get cold, or awkward, or ask some really stupid questions that I don't want to deal with. Some have even made some reasonably ugly remarks and it sucks.

You can be honest with your answers... I asked for the honesty, so say what you think.

There's no reason to tell them anything at all. Just be yourself. AND if you DO want to mention it, Asperger's is on the spectrum so you are not lying at all. But I think I would be pretty close to someone before I would just tell them that out of the blue. Good luck!

 

[Grandmother B]

Each time I accomplish something, anything...I think of something similar to this. Yet that one accomplishment, the deed where I didn't disappoint anybody or screw anything up - it makes me feel different about myself, it makes me feel actual happiness inside me...not a mixture of happiness and worry. The feeling is always temporary though, because oftentimes at work the boss would tell me good job but then after that, either minutes or days/weeks later, we end up reaching a moment where something is not working...and I start hating myself again. A lot. I throw tantrums in front of my coworkers, and still get those goddam "what good will worrying do for you?" - they just don't understand. They're not on the spectrum, so how can they expect me to just magically stop worrying???? And should I have logically been fired ages ago?? Whenever something ends up not working (and usually I'm responsible), I ALWAYS fix it - even if I threw a tantrum or made an excuse. I put myself in his shoes and I just keep getting cold feet about myself...so how in the world am I still there? I just feel like my coworkers are better at simply NOT causing these goddam software bugs in the first place because they have common sense and I don't.

Please don't be so hard on yourself; I guarantee the coworkers mess up plenty themselves! It has nothing to do with intelligence or common sense. People aren't perfect; they make mistakes. Stop kicking yourself and comparing yourself to them. I'm sure you have plenty of gifts they don't. Good luck to you!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Please don't be so hard on yourself; I guarantee the coworkers mess up plenty themselves! It has nothing to do with intelligence or common sense. People aren't perfect; they make mistakes. Stop kicking yourself and comparing yourself to them. I'm sure you have plenty of gifts they don't. Good luck to you!

I've had a couple of them become impatient with me and it only made me feel worse; not only did I continue feeling bad about myself, but I also started holding grudges against them for those moments, even being scared to work on any projects with them for a short period after each of those moments. I also feel like one of them has been criticizing me from time to time. There was this one moment during lunch where I stuck out my tongue in order to feel the temperature of my pork roast, and she started mentioning "social etiquette" and stuff...any opinions? Do you guys think that was necessary?

 

[Bella Pines]

"Dude he has Autism." It all just hit me wrong, and then this guy said, "Wow, he doesn't look retarded..." It pissed me off, and in classic ASD style I'm still bothered by it, and I know I need to let it go, and I am trying.

My Buddy noticed it made things worse when he told the guy I had Autism. He was trying to defend me, but it basically backfired. He felt like dirt and I told him it was okay. He just told the truth, but it did make the whole thing worse.

Well good on your friend for trying to help, sounds like he overshot somewhat and made things worst but the intentions were pure! The other guy sounds like a dick.

I've had similar things happen to me, the one that haunted me for years was when I found out that my promotion had been cancelled because of my pregnancy. Of course there was no written evidence. It bothered me for years, eating away at my brain and making me bitter.

In the end I used a visualization technique and every time it came back to haunt me I would imagine pulling weeds, like in my lawn, and I would throw it away and move on. I would recommend you try a similar trick because letting this guy get to you is letting him win and he doesn't deserve that.

Aren't you one of us in the 30+ crowd where Autism/Aspberger's was not even recognized as a diagnosis when we were kids?

Yes

I'm not ashamed of autism or aspergers and see it as a benefit, I try not to see NTs as disabled... I try to see them as "emotionally challenged". I like labels because it gives you something to research and type into google. But I don't like labels when they get attachment baggage, such as autism. I don't like the words "high" and "low" functioning and I don't like the lack of understanding and subsequent judgement that people have of the spectrum.

As to what I say I am, I tailor my admission to people's ability to handle it. For example

• My in laws would freak and immediately have me committed for my own good. I won't be telling them.
• My husband and children know, my husband figured it out before I did.
• My closest friends (all 2 of them) know and weren't surprised
• Some people at work know, one of them looked scared and concerned but is very british and so never mentions it.
• Other people at work are aspies and know the full story. We would probably all be really good friends if we didn't, well, have aspergers
• My bosses don't know because they would probably either fire me or parade me in front of a crowd to cash in on a diversity initiative. Neither of which would make my life in any way easier.

So for those in that last category I use acceptable excuses like "I have to get back to see my family" and "I must stay and finish this project" or "I have a dentist appointment". If they get narky then I pull out the awkward excuses like "I have to work from home, I have a smear test". I've never had a boss to date that hasn't accepted that one, hope they never find out that we girls don't get them on a monthly basis...

 

[ImAnAspie]

Well, first of all, you're under no obligation to tell them anything. It's none of their business.

BUT...

If you do want to tell them, why don't you just say 'I've got an ASD!" and see if they want to delve into it - and go from there!

 

[Grandmother B]

After I was diagnosed I was forced to tell my employer. I was told because of my position in the company and because of our insurance I would need to disclose this. I did, and told the real truth, and all was okay, nothing changed. Somethings even improved because now they got why I would get exhausted and stuff.

Not long ago I was at a conference. I didn't want to go, but knew I had to go. I don't want to give anyone an excuse to think I cant do my job. I was with a guy I work with, and he's a great guy. I was exhausted. I was about to shut down. It was late. It was loud. It was just a roar and my ears were actually hurting. This guy who was talking with us, noticed me acting odd I guess. He made a remark that wasn't kind, he might have been joking at first I couldn't tell (I cant figure out strangers expressions or comments sometimes) ... and I just said I have Asperger's and my friend said, "Dude he has Autism." It all just hit me wrong, and then this guy said, "Wow, he doesn't look retarded..." It pissed me off, and in classic ASD style I'm still bothered by it, and I know I need to let it go, and I am trying.

My Buddy noticed it made things worse when he told the guy I had Autism. He was trying to defend me, but it basically backfired. He felt like dirt and I told him it was okay. He just told the truth, but it did make the whole thing worse.

I know people may not know what Asperger's is... but they sure have a view on what Autism is and I just... I just wish I had some way to explain that I'm not a freak when Im basically freaking out. Its just messed up.

I try not to ever bring it up. I don't want the attention at all, that is a big part of my problem. I don't even like talking about it with my family. Its something I feel very uncomfortable with... and today my cousin was here visiting and he brought it up. I didn't even know he knew, so someone told him, that angers me a little, but it is what it is. He asked me what all was wrong with me... and see that messes me up. Everyone sees me as this diseased being it seems... Or that is how I am perceiving it.

Its stupid to let this bug me, but it does. I just cant get comfortable with it sometimes. My being diagnosed was never something I was searching for. It happened nearly by accident after a bad trip to the ER, over a shut down and a bad panic attack, that led to a referral, because they saw me as very depressed. So, maybe that alone has me defensive. I was never wanting to become labeled, and now I am.

I guess in some weird way, it makes me feel stupid, yet it answered a mass of situations from my earliest memories as a kid. Maybe also I'm upset because no one cared enough to help me as a kid. They just called me stubborn and beat the crap out of me. Who knows it might have given me a whole different perspective, or it might have made it worse.

I just need to let it go and I will eventually... but I also need to be able to handle it when I do get in a bad position. I think I am more upset with myself than that guy who smarted off.

Most the time I'm mr. chipper, but when this stuff grinds on my mind, it messes with me and I don't like those days much.

This right here is why I like this site. I cant at least let it out, or try and help someone else. Its not like that out there in the NT world.

Please go to www.aspergerexperts.com and watch their free content! They have Asperger's and know everything you are suffering, and they understand. They have ways to cope with all the things you are feeling and strategies to get better. Some on here have called it a scam site; they did not investigate it enough. It is not! I have learned more about Asperger's on that site than anywhere. People are so ignorant; I hope you can learn to let it be their problem and not yours. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You are probably a lot smarter than they are. God bless, and good luck to you!

 

[Adora]

I really don't tell anyone unless they really need to know because I know there will be a lot of people who will not understand or find it hard to believe,most of the time people just think I need to get out of my shell and make better eye contact I also get told to smile more and even was once asked why do I look so miserable but it's something I rather most people didn't know about.

 

[S-Head]

try this retort (sarcasm) i bet your IQ is lower than a German shepherds !!!!
german shepherds have an IQ of 70 so they would be labeled retarded, i DONT agree they are very perceptive !!!!

okayyyy, so check here: IQ Classifications - AssessmentPsychology.com

Quote: Mental deficiency used to be divided into the following sub-classifications, but these labels began to be abused by the public and are now largely obsolete: Borderline Deficiency (IQ 70-80), Moron (IQ 50-69), Imbecile (IQ 20-49) and Idiot (below 20). Mental deficiency is now generally called mental retardation.

So, you're right, "retarded" is 70, but if you go for 69, it's "moron"! LOL

That's what happens when you have a Friday beer with a psychology graduate!

 

[WereBear]

where, and when, do I find a graceful exit and what then?

That's a good goal. You have incredible accomplishments to offer, and I hope you can craft something that you design, not accept the rules of others in this new venture.

I was lucky that I started working just as computers were taking off. No one had a degree in it then, it was all aptitude and willingness to try something new. I wound up not going back to college (burnout from doing too much the first time) and making something of a career in it. My side trips into something else always wound up with me back at computers... which is where I am now

But it suits me. Now I am leveraging these skills into my own freelance business, which will be even better for me.

Put all your skills together, take away the ones you don't like doing, and see what you have. I'll bet it's a skill set that fits something.

 

[Streetwise]

okayyyy, so check here: IQ Classifications - AssessmentPsychology.com

Quote: Mental deficiency used to be divided into the following sub-classifications, but these labels began to be abused by the public and are now largely obsolete: Borderline Deficiency (IQ 70-80), Moron (IQ 50-69), Imbecile (IQ 20-49) and Idiot (below 20). Mental deficiency is now generally called mental retardation.

So, you're right, "retarded" is 70, but if you go for 69, it's "moron"! LOL

That's what happens when you have a Friday beer with a psychology graduate!

and sadly cretin whichis just thyroid deficiency

 

[Chance]

okayyyy, so check here: IQ Classifications - AssessmentPsychology.com

Quote: Mental deficiency used to be divided into the following sub-classifications, but these labels began to be abused by the public and are now largely obsolete: Borderline Deficiency (IQ 70-80), Moron (IQ 50-69), Imbecile (IQ 20-49) and Idiot (below 20). Mental deficiency is now generally called mental retardation.

So, you're right, "retarded" is 70, but if you go for 69, it's "moron"! LOL

That's what happens when you have a Friday beer with a psychology graduate!

Thanks S
I looked at the assessment... my IQC at last check was 124... so I'm okay for now I guess.
I just wish people had some inkling of how some of us already feel about ourselves.
Me... I just want to fit in. I don't want to cause people problems and I know I'm not like other people mentally. But is that so wrong that our brains cause us to think (maybe too much) when others don't seem to think at all? I hope not.

 

[Blast off]

Told my family I was diagnosed with HFA and that was the last any of them have spoken to me.. I agree, it's on an extremely need to know basis only. Others are quite frankly morons and if they are going to judge you because of a word like autism I say fu(you know what) them.. this includes family and people who once called themselves your best friends.

 

[Chance]

That's a good goal. You have incredible accomplishments to offer, and I hope you can craft something that you design, not accept the rules of others in this new venture.

I was lucky that I started working just as computers were taking off. No one had a degree in it then, it was all aptitude and willingness to try something new. I wound up not going back to college (burnout from doing too much the first time) and making something of a career in it. My side trips into something else always wound up with me back at computers... which is where I am now

But it suits me. Now I am leveraging these skills into my own freelance business, which will be even better for me.

Put all your skills together, take away the ones you don't like doing, and see what you have. I'll bet it's a skill set that fits something.

Thanks so much WereBear... You are kind and I feel it in what you write. I will do what you stated and see what I can come up with. I know we all have our place here, or we wouldn't be here at all. I just wish people would see how great this planet would be if we all treated each other just a little better. Maybe that is the root of whats bothering me so much. People hating people because they cant even stand themselves. Humanity has gotten itself in a pretty messed up state of being and we could improve it by caring just a little more.