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Social anxiety and embarrassing situations

M

Misty Avich

I prefer to be referred to as ADHD
V.I.P Member
At my last job I was sitting in the staff lounge during a coffee break, scrolling through Facebook on my phone. Then a woman walked in, whose birthday it happened to be that day, as I'd just seen it come up on Facebook. As she had sat next to me I thought she might have seen me scrolling through Facebook and I felt like I should verbally wish her a happy birthday there and then, as it might seem unfriendly if she saw I was scrolling through Facebook yet didn't acknowledge her sitting right next to me on her birthday, and also I thought it was a good way to make conversation. In my culture it's a normal social standard to wish someone a happy birthday.
So, rather confidently, I said, "oh, I see it's your birthday today," and just as I was about to say "happy birthday", she dismissed my pleasantry with an unexpected "SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I was kind of alarmed by that reaction, and the two others in the room giggled and said that she didn't want people to know it was her birthday today - even though they both obviously knew and almost everyone at work was on her Facebook so probably knew from that anyway, and she was only like 27.
I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, and she wasn't being rude or anything, in fact she hadn't done anything wrong either, but I still inwardly scolded myself for saying that out loud and wished I had just kept my mouth shut, which was one of two decisions that came into my head at first, unfortunately I took the other decision.
I don't like being shushed, but I understand she wasn't to know that, so I didn't make an issue of it or anything. But I always feel really embarrassed when I'm shushed. I don't know why. I feel my cheeks flush hot, because often being shushed is the consequence of an embarrassing social faux pas.

Have you ever been in a social situation where you thought twice about saying something but said it anyway to look friendly or make conversation, only to wish you hadn't? It can be so embarrassing, even if others don't think anything of it. But it's not always what others think, it's how you feel within yourself.
 
Being told ssssshhhhh, is like you feel like a small kid. She could have just acknowledged it. If it's on Facebook, then it's out there already.
 
I don't like to be shhh'ed or told I have done something wrong - it is not significant in the moment if it is valid or not - sometimes I have clearly not understood the situation in nt eyes, and sometimes my faux pas is so obvious that people won't even try to explain to me why it is wrong, when I ask, they just shake their head and want to move on - which I guess is fair, but not helpful to an autistic brain or any other brain for the matter.

I really don't like the attention when it's my own birthday so I try to hide it the best I can (I hope I succeeded on this site too) it can be anxiety provoking when people congratulate me on facebook even I have my birthday hidden, maybe that girl have it the same way... wether or not she actually had it hidden.

And yeah, I'm sure in your story @Misty Avich that it was much worse inside you than how it was seen by others - most times we care much more about our self than others do, it's a very human trait :)
 
I hate being the center of attention. I never list my birthday if I don't have to.
 
Well I wasn't to know that, although she wasn't to know I don't like being shushed so erratically. So nobody did anything wrong in this case. It's just me being overly jumpy and self-consciousness. It's made me learn not to mention people's birthdays unless they do. In fact I hardly ever ask people personal questions because I don't always know if they want it kept a secret or not unless there's a social cue that tells me otherwise.
 
My thought is to not over analyse your own actions here.

This is a game that lots of NTs play. Let's call it "I don't wanna talk about it".

The way it works is this: they will put a hook out there that any person (NT or ND) might bite on. Something like a promotion, a birthday, moving house, etc. Situations where some sort of comment or discourse isn't unusual or impolite. Then, when someone takes the bait, they will "shhh, I don't want to talk about it!!!" Usually it's done in a fairly friendly "pleeease keep it hush hush" way, but can also be "I'm offended you did that" way in more extreme individuals.

Often it will become an ongoing thing and gives special reward to the individual if they can get other people working as attendants to the game (as the two gigglers did in this case). If it doesn't go as well as hoped, and people aren't really taking the bait, they'll usually milk the few who do with a "Shhh, I don't want to talk about it, but I'll tell you this much....but I really wish we could let it drop, but you should know...etc". What they absolutely do not want is for no-one to mention the thing they don't want anyone to mention.

So why would they advertise something, then tell people not to talk about it when they want people to talk about it? Lots of reasons. But IME most often they like to portray an image of modesty, perhaps even slightly hard-done-by, but don't like the fact that modesty rarely gets attention. So you get this dynamic.

I wouldn't worry about doing anything wrong there. If anything you played your role perfectly. Sadly that might earn you a "can you believe she mentioned it?" as the person tries to not talk about it while talking about it even more, but I wouldn't let that bother you. These people are often quite insecure.
 
I usually tell people at work stuff. If I was going for a job interview or something then I'd just say. If it starts up gossip then it starts up gossip, and going for a job interview doesn't mean you'll definitely get it. Obviously I respect other people's wishes whether to tell people, like if a colleague told me they were going for a job interview and they didn't want me to tell anyone then I wouldn't.

But say if someone was rather open about it and everyone knew anyway and there wasn't any cues that they wanted it to be kept quiet so I asked "how did your interview go?" and they rewarded me with a "ssshh, not so loud!!" then I find it annoying and wishing I'd never opened my mouth.

I understand this is a mistake anyone can make. There wasn't any signs the woman in my OP wanted her birthday kept a secret, and her Facebook obviously had the "show birthday" thingie activated otherwise I wouldn't have received the notification, and there were loads of happy birthday messages on her Facebook by our colleagues, so there were no hidden clues that she might not have wanted it mentioned. But really, who cares if it is mentioned? If I didn't want anyone to know it was my birthday but someone still wished me a happy birthday then I'd probably respond with a thank you and then add "I don't want a fuss/I don't want everyone knowing it's my birthday".
 
Absolutely, and looking from a logical point of view that all makes sense. But when you look at it through the lens of someone who wants attention but absolutely does not want to look like they want attention it kind of makes sense. Of course it's utterly transparent, and uses other people like props, but at least you can appreciate the dynamic here and that you weren't at fault. You can find it ridiculous and refuse to play along, but I wouldn't take anything from it that you might have committed some sort of faux pas.
 
I don't think it was intended like all that, it's just me being a nervous social anxiety person sensitive to other people's reactions.
 
Misty Avich said:
Well I wasn't to know that, although she wasn't to know I don't like being shushed so erratically. So nobody did anything wrong in this case. It's just me being overly jumpy and self-consciousness. It's made me learn not to mention people's birthdays unless they do. In fact I hardly ever ask people personal questions because I don't always know if they want it kept a secret or not unless there's a social cue that tells me otherwise.
Click to expand...
I don't know if others have some secret to what is appropriate to talk about/say or not and I would probably have done exactly like you did, from wanting to say happy birthday to feeling burnt and not wanting to say happy birthday another time to avoid saying something wrong - you are not alone in this reaction pattern.
 
Misty Avich said:
At my last job I was sitting in the staff lounge during a coffee break, scrolling through Facebook on my phone. Then a woman walked in, whose birthday it happened to be that day, as I'd just seen it come up on Facebook. As she had sat next to me I thought she might have seen me scrolling through Facebook and I felt like I should verbally wish her a happy birthday there and then, as it might seem unfriendly if she saw I was scrolling through Facebook yet didn't acknowledge her sitting right next to me on her birthday, and also I thought it was a good way to make conversation. In my culture it's a normal social standard to wish someone a happy birthday.
So, rather confidently, I said, "oh, I see it's your birthday today," and just as I was about to say "happy birthday", she dismissed my pleasantry with an unexpected "SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I was kind of alarmed by that reaction, and the two others in the room giggled and said that she didn't want people to know it was her birthday today - even though they both obviously knew and almost everyone at work was on her Facebook so probably knew from that anyway, and she was only like 27.
Click to expand...

[Portions bolded for emphasis]

I'm kind of confused here by the wording - is she a colleague, a vendor / supplier, a contractor, or a random neighbour of your former employer who happened to know everyone there so well that she could freely walk into the staff lounge?
 
VictorR said:
[Portions bolded for emphasis]

I'm kind of confused here by the wording - is she a colleague, a vendor / supplier, a contractor, or a random neighbour of your former employer who happened to know everyone there so well that she could freely walk into the staff lounge?
Click to expand...
She was a colleague whom I knew.
 
ALL THE TIME. Put like that, not to show, but for complete understanding!

I am gathering that is part of what having social anxiety is like.

I usually get the "hush" and hand going down, when, unbeknowest to me, I have started to get loud and I feel so crushed with that and want to fade away fast.

Thankfully, I do not celebrate of acknowledge birthdays anymore, so that would not be an issue with me.
 
Suzanne said:
ALL THE TIME. Put like that, not to show, but for complete understanding!

I am gathering that is part of what having social anxiety is like.

I usually get the "hush" and hand going down, when, unbeknowest to me, I have started to get loud and I feel so crushed with that and want to fade away fast.
Click to expand...
Yes, that's totally me.

It's also embarrassing when you don't realise someone is on the phone and you start talking and they shush you.
I remember one time I was trying to fix my laptop or something, and my aunt and cousin were on the couch fussing over a mobile phone. When I realised what had been wrong with my laptop I said, "oh I know what the problem is here, it's--" and my aunt aggressively waved her hand towards me going "SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" which kind of made me startle. Then I noticed she had her phone to her ear, even though her and my cousin were talking loudly about 5 seconds ago. I thought to myself "who the hell are they ringing that's so important at this time of the day and week?" I felt so embarrassed, especially that my brother and his cute friend were sitting in there too.
It wasn't my aunt's fault or anything. I just get annoyed when people don't say they're going to phone someone and that the room needs to be silent.

I remember one time my supervisor was sitting at his desk with what it looked like his chin resting on his hand. I began asking him a question and he suddenly said "oh, hello, it's [his name] here..." For a moment I was confused, then I realised he'd had a phone hidden in his hand that I couldn't see, I thought he was just resting his chin on his hand like he sometimes does. I felt embarrassed and backed out of the room.
 
Sometimes though I'm put off mentioning people's birthdays to them (unless they mention it first), in case they want it to be kept a big secret even though everyone knows it's their birthday anyway. But then if I don't mention their birthday even if they know that I know, it might make me look aloof or like I'm not interested in them.

I don't have many social deficits but this I do often have trouble with. I understand many NT people make the mistake of mentioning something to someone who wished it to be kept a secret and being unexpectedly sssssshhhhhh'd, but the difference is that other people aren't bothered by being shushed like I am. I seem scared or highly sensitive of being quietened when I'm just trying to be social and friendly. It knocks back my confidence and makes me feel embarrassed. Being sshh'd suddenly when I'm being cheerfully sociable is as embarrassing as walking on a stage confidently then falling over.
 
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