Apologies in advance for diving right in. First time forum user…
High masking adult female here, typically keeping it together on my own and powering through life keeping the painful parts private.
Self diagnosed audhd about 10 months ago.
20 years into successful career in social work profession.
Currently so deeply lost in burnout unlike any previous experience. Finally understanding myself has been a wild ride. In the past, the fear and shame around whatever made me different worked as fuel that pushed me through. Sheer refusal to fall apart.
Understanding my wiring has made for a new and different experience. So many solutions off the table, because it is what it is. Feeling so trapped and alone. A whole life of building a cage of normalcy and masking- I didn’t understand. I find myself here just reaching a hand out, grasping for hope and connection in a world where nothing feels like it fits. I am safe. Just feeling desperately alone and completely drained. So scary.
I have also experienced the gift in the (sef) diagnosis/realization as far as making things make sense as I reflect on my life.
I realize that I have been fortunate in many ways to have been able to build the life I have, given the difficulties of my inner world and the injuries I experience as a result of functioning in a world designed for NTs.
I have a journey ahead of me to dismantle much of what I have created that I can no longer tolerate living within. I have exhausted and drained myself to a frightening degree and my nervous system is just shot at the moment.
Terrified at the prospect of letting it all unravel so I can try to rebuild a healthy and realistic path forward. Feeling separated from all my strengths and gifts and in a dark place with no fuel in the tank to take action.
In some ways it was easier not to understand, because it allowed me to believe in the possibility of much simpler solutions. And while those efforts were misguided, I never found myself without direction and hope.
I have enough wisdom and experience to know that this dark time will pass. But in the meantime… oof. Taking comfort in the idea that there is a tribe that I belong to and that my pain is not unique.
High masking adult female here, typically keeping it together on my own and powering through life keeping the painful parts private.
Self diagnosed audhd about 10 months ago.
20 years into successful career in social work profession.
Currently so deeply lost in burnout unlike any previous experience. Finally understanding myself has been a wild ride. In the past, the fear and shame around whatever made me different worked as fuel that pushed me through. Sheer refusal to fall apart.
Understanding my wiring has made for a new and different experience. So many solutions off the table, because it is what it is. Feeling so trapped and alone. A whole life of building a cage of normalcy and masking- I didn’t understand. I find myself here just reaching a hand out, grasping for hope and connection in a world where nothing feels like it fits. I am safe. Just feeling desperately alone and completely drained. So scary.
I have also experienced the gift in the (sef) diagnosis/realization as far as making things make sense as I reflect on my life.
I realize that I have been fortunate in many ways to have been able to build the life I have, given the difficulties of my inner world and the injuries I experience as a result of functioning in a world designed for NTs.
I have a journey ahead of me to dismantle much of what I have created that I can no longer tolerate living within. I have exhausted and drained myself to a frightening degree and my nervous system is just shot at the moment.
Terrified at the prospect of letting it all unravel so I can try to rebuild a healthy and realistic path forward. Feeling separated from all my strengths and gifts and in a dark place with no fuel in the tank to take action.
In some ways it was easier not to understand, because it allowed me to believe in the possibility of much simpler solutions. And while those efforts were misguided, I never found myself without direction and hope.
I have enough wisdom and experience to know that this dark time will pass. But in the meantime… oof. Taking comfort in the idea that there is a tribe that I belong to and that my pain is not unique.
