Need ideas for engaging with my cat.

[Gerald Wilgus]

Two years ago we got a couple of tuxedo cats from a shelter. They are sisters, 5 years old when we got them. One, Rain, has taken a liking to my spouse and I am jealous at that. The other, Mew, started out very shy and hid for a half year. I think she has sensory issues. I feed them in the morning and have been working with Mew, trying to play with her. She will let me pet her sometimes and allow me to pick her up but mainly runs from me. I have tried treat bribes and only interact when she approaches me, yet I cannot make progress. I am beginning to regret getting Mew and to dislike her sister who absolutely adores my spouse.

Is there anything that I can do to get her to trust interacting with me? I do not know what I am doing wrong.

 

[tree]

Do you and the cat slow blink at each other?

To assure her that you are friendly and mean no aggression.
If she returns slow blink, that would mean she trusts your
presence.

 

[Forest Cat]

Do you and the cat slow blink at each other?

To assure her that you are friendly and mean no aggression.
If she returns slow blink, that would mean she trusts your
presence.

Yes, this is important. If you get eye contact with the cat, close your eyes for a few moments and avoid staring at the cat. Closing your eyes signals to the cat that you are not aggressive. This has worked on every cat I have met, it can make a big difference. Closing your eyes, then maybe just look at the cat quickly and close your eyes again. For cats it's a clear and strong signal.

I have have had a few cats that started out staying away from me. And the only things I did was to not try to grab the cat. And giving the cat space (if it's sitting right where you are going, walk around it instead of getting it to move). And talking to the cat with a low, soft voice. Over time the cats I have had and have become very friendly and trusts me 100%.

I think another big thing is food. When the cats sees where the food comes from, if it connects you with food, that also helps I think. So in the beginning when I have had new cats, I have filled up the food bowls when the cat is in the kitchen and can see what I'm doing, So it sees who brings the food. And then I have left the kitchen and let them eat in peace.

You mentioned that she will let you pet her sometimes and allow you to pick her up. That's a good sign. I had a new cat a while ago that was curious about me but became very uncertain when I picked him up. So the trick is to first of all pick them up gently and a little slowly. And one important thing is to immediately put them down on the floor if they begin to twist and struggle like cats do when they want to get down. If she's calm just hold her and the moment you notice she starts to squirm, put her down on the floor quick but also gently. And just repeat that.

I think it's important to never try to hold on to the cats if they start to squirm, they quickly get a little panicky then and they remember it. Maybe they get trust issues. So the next time you try pick them up, they remember it was unpleasant the last time. I think it sounds like you are on the right track, she's alllowing you to pet her and pick her up, it just sounds like she doesn't trust you fully yet. She's being careful and taking her time, not jumping into anything head first. I have also met cats that behaved like we were old friends right from the start, so they can be very different. But most seem to be a little careful, cats can spend a long time checking people out before they begin to trust people fully. You have to prove yourself to them, that they can trust you.

 

[Darkkin]

Wand toys allow for engagement without physical contact. Tunnels also allow for a safer play space, giving the cat cover from which to pounce. A simple fact, some cats just don't like being petted or picked up. Their form of affection is hanging out in proximity to you. If they are in the same room, it is an expression of basic trust.

Potato Cat hates being petted or touched anywhere below his collar. Always has even when he was tiny. He will sit near you, and occasionally on you as long as you don't try to pet him, but he loves to play. Long ribbons, plastic milk rings, pieces of paper, paper bags, etc...

Generally, if it's free Potato Cat likes it.

A basic sign of affection to a cat is respecting their boundaries and allowing them to engage on their terms.

Just like people have their quirks and preferences, cats do as well. And when a cat doesn't have a snuggley personality, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either cat or human.

It just means their language of affection is different. Rescues, especially if they have not been handled from an early age can be leary of contact. They are very nice cats, but not prone to overt signs of affection.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have tried slow blinking, ribbon toys, catnip mice and not forcing things. Sometimes she will follow me to see what I am doing and sometimes she will prance around me being very vocal and marking everything but doesn't want to be touched.

Having given her a nice home and affection when she is up for it, I am frustrated. I will not ever waste her life, but I dislike being responsible for her care.

 

[Forest Cat]

I have tried slow blinking, ribbon toys, catnip mice and not forcing things. Sometimes she will follow me to see what I am doing and sometimes she will prance around me being very vocal and marking everything but doesn't want to be touched.

Having given her a nice home and affection when she is up for it, I am frustrated. I will not ever waste her life, but I dislike being responsible for her care.

I was just thinking, if the cat is 7 years old now it's an adult cat and the behaviour you describe here sounds pretty normal. Prancing around, checking out what you are doing, being vocal and marking. A 7 year old cat won't play as much as younger cats. Could it be that it's just Mews personality? That this is the way she is? Not sure what you want or expect but cats can be very 'selfish', for lack of a better word. They don't really care much about what we want. My cats sometimes couldn't care less about what I want. Sometimes I think they would be happy if I moved out and let them live here by themselves. But that's part of what I like about cats, they're independent and strong.

 

[Jeff T]

Two years ago we got a couple of tuxedo cats from a shelter. They are sisters, 5 years old when we got them. One, Rain, has taken a liking to my spouse and I am jealous at that. The other, Mew, started out very shy and hid for a half year. I think she has sensory issues. I feed them in the morning and have been working with Mew, trying to play with her. She will let me pet her sometimes and allow me to pick her up but mainly runs from me. I have tried treat bribes and only interact when she approaches me, yet I cannot make progress. I am beginning to regret getting Mew and to dislike her sister who absolutely adores my spouse.

Is there anything that I can do to get her to trust interacting with me? I do not know what I am doing wrong.

Do you have much anxiety? No need to answer, just something to ponder.
The little mule I bought 5 years ago is similar to your story. He hasn't changed much in the time since.
The previous owner gave me his history, and it included other kids behaving cruelly towards him.
The anxiety I often have isn't helping a potential bonding, as equines mirror a person's emotional state.
Previously stressed animals have a constant radar for potential threats?
I'm not much help to you in the HOW direction, just perhaps in the WHY.

I hope you two can break down this barrier and be best friends.

 

[Aneka]

Two years ago we got a couple of tuxedo cats from a shelter. They are sisters, 5 years old when we got them. One, Rain, has taken a liking to my spouse and I am jealous at that. The other, Mew, started out very shy and hid for a half year. I think she has sensory issues. I feed them in the morning and have been working with Mew, trying to play with her. She will let me pet her sometimes and allow me to pick her up but mainly runs from me. I have tried treat bribes and only interact when she approaches me, yet I cannot make progress. I am beginning to regret getting Mew and to dislike her sister who absolutely adores my spouse.

Is there anything that I can do to get her to trust interacting with me? I do not know what I am doing wrong.

You definitely need to try out the slow blink (closing and opening both eyes slowly). This tells your cat 'I love you, I trust you.'

And before trying to pet, let the cat smell at your hand.

Some cats like to run away and play hide and seek with you. My cat demands to be chased until he lies down on the ground and purrs, that means he wants to be picked up.

My tip, research cat language on the internet. It is helpful and you will be able to communicate better.

 

[Rodafina]

I was just thinking, if the cat is 7 years old now it's an adult cat and the behaviour you describe here sounds pretty normal. Prancing around, checking out what you are doing, being vocal and marking. A 7 year old cat won't play as much as younger cats. Could it be that it's just Mews personality? That this is the way she is? Not sure what you want or expect but cats can be very 'selfish', for lack of a better word. They don't really care much about what we want. My cats sometimes couldn't care less about what I want. Sometimes I think they would be happy if I moved out and let them live here by themselves. But that's part of what I like about cats, they're independent and strong.

This reminds me of myself, and some of the people I’ve spoken to here. We are loving and grateful for attachments and connections, but we do not always receive or show it in a way that is expected.

Too much attention, hugs, and not enough space is not a sign of love to me as it is to others. My favorite people and best friends know that there must be some space, there will not be much hugging, and sometimes I will drift away. But they also trust that I always come back if they don’t go looking for me.

 

[TBRS1]

LOL - I'm going straight to pharmacology...

Have you tried fresh catnip?

 

[Tom]

Not doing anything wrong. Cats have very individual personalities. I think it's important to work with what you have and not try to force any changes. You can however try to steer them in certain directions. Just be satisfied with what you get, and not disappointed. They are in a way no different then human beings in the matter of choice and preferences. Respect that.

Just some personal opinions on how to handle it.

Always exude/feel warmth and good feelings towards both cats.

Whatever you do for one try and do for the other. If you give a treat, give to both. If you stop and scratch ones head, do it for the other.

Be forever calm and consistant in your dealings with them. They respond well to predictablity and patterns.

Increase your patience. Animals can take a very long time to come to trust a person and overcome fears. Six months isn't uncommon. It can take years, but if it works in time should be very rewarding.

Don't be jealous of your wife or dislike the cat for liking her. She has good taste. You liked your wife too.



P.S. For play mine used to love chasing some little toy I tied to a string. But be sure to frequently let them catch it and praise them for their hunting prowess.

 

[ChrisCRISPR]

Please don’t feel sad, @Gerald Wilgus and especially please try not to take it so personally about Mew. As several other posters mentioned, cats can be very independent and come across sometimes as cold, detached and aloof.

This may sound counterintuitive or even superstitious but I suggest trying to detach yourself from the need you’re carrying around for Mew’s affection and attention. Just like animals can sense fear and other emotions, it seems to me that maybe Mew might feel confused or overwhelmed by your pressing need and therefore driving Mew away further.

I have a sweet but very independent indoor/outdoor cat named Smokey. He is my best and dearest friend. It’s funny though because if I pick him up and try to cuddle with him or move him around he gets very fickle and will get agitated and run off.

I get nervous sometimes because Smokey might be gone for many hours, sometimes even the whole day. But I just make sure to acknowledge when he comes home, he knows to come find me when he’s ready to eat and the other day I was laying down in my bed and he came and curled up by me with his head resting on my leg!

I very gently put my arm around him and he slept like that for nearly two whole hours! It was one of the happiest most peaceful afternoons I’ve had in a long time.

My point is that Smokey didn’t warm up to me like that until I stopped trying to get him to warm up, I just mentally and emotionally put the love out there so he knows he is safe and loved and that this is his forever home however long he chooses.

And that was enough for Smokey so maybe that might help for Mew. Just please don’t blame yourself or think Mew just doesn’t like you. One time I tried to keep Smokey in my room with the door closed and he even walked right up to me and swatted by leg and hissed because I wouldn’t let him out. I felt sad at first for making him mad but that’s just how he communicates. I didn’t mean to make him scared or claustrophobic. I know how upsetting it can be to be locked in a room you can’t escape from.

Just have compassion and understanding and hopefully Mew will warm up to you before you know it!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Rescues, especially if they have not been handled from an early age can be leary of contact.

I gather that they were raised by an elderly woman and they ended up at the shelter after her death. Their behavior at first and reticence seemed to me like they were scolded for getting up on the bed or in one's lap or on windowsills. Mew is very active and my guess is that she received too much negative reinforcement.

I once had a feral cat that turned out to be a very loving boy. He was a terror towards squirrels, mice and voles, yet indoors enjoyed snuggling and was happy with us. I could take a hike on the property and he enjoyed tagging along. I miss him.

 

[MC1Rcat]

I would like to add that cats can become more cuddly the longer you have them...my guy has at least. He is 16 now, and has never been a lap cat....he has always preferred to ride on my shoulders (only when he asks, but not anytime I want). However, he has started laying on my legs or chest daily in the past few years. So, you might want to give Mew more time. I would have to agree that cats do not like to be made to do things...they respond very well to being allowed to come to you in their own time, with some encouragement like slow eye blinking, sweet talk, singing to them, peek a boo from behind a doorway or some other barrier, treats, toys, crinkly noises, etc. Have you tried sitting on the floor in an area where they hang out? My cat will come over and become very physically affectionate if I get on the floor by his play area and do my own thing....letting him come to me in his own space. I have also made him more spots/cat beds close to where I usuallly sit or lay down. For example, he has a bed on a corner of my desk, as well as a blanket nest on a corner of my bed. This way he has his own space near where I am relaxing and will come sit there often. I can pet him, (off and on) and he will hang out and/ or take a nap, or sleep on the bed with me at night. I think he is very sensitive to touch and sound, so he isn't into long petting sessions or loud noises from my laptop. I just think of him as being like me...maybe cats are similar to people w/ ASD

 

[Ella Spell]

Does Mew have a favourite blanket or pillow? Put it on your lap and just wait for her to come explore it. When she does, don't pet or touch her. Just let her be. Having a few cat treats in your pocket would be a good idea too. Sneak one to her on the blanket. Then another. If she doesn't have a favourite blanket or pillow, try putting some really important tax or legal papers on your lap. That'll do the trick every time.

Clicker training works well too apparently but I've not tried it myself.

Of my five cats I'd say Willow is the least cuddly. She's a Tortie and a perpetual grump around me, although she's starting to like when I comb her if she's standing at my height.

 

[Aspychata]

Brushing your grumpy tux at least twice a week. This will be good for the cat's coat, and they associate you with the brush and good feelings. A small dog may have been more to your liking. They are more emotionally needy creatures, crave scratches, play time, walkies, etc. The weekly brushing will take time, but in a month or so, this may open up the door to trust. Little cardboard beds near you, is a excellent idea. Even with your teeshirt in it that has your smells. Maybe a new little toy. Call the cat's name more, then give two small treats, creating interaction between you and that cat. Put the cat on a leash, and just sit outside to watch the birds, and catch the sun early am or late evening.

 

[Shevek]

We did not domesticate cats, they domesticated us. If a cat chooses to live with you, that's nice, but if it does not feel at home, that's very understandable for a critter that can make its own living outside.

 

[Forest Cat]

I have a cat here, for the first two years she lived here she was not interested in sitting on my lap and she seemed to not be contact seeking. Much less than the other cats. She was friendly but kept to herself a little. And after two years I assumed that was just the way she was. But something surprising happened, one day she jumped on my lap and suddenly wanted contact.

And she became more and more like that, now she loves to be petted and get attention. It was like she had been waiting to see if I could be trusted or something and then one day she thought "well, that big ugly thing hasn't done anything bad to me so far so I guess it's safe to hang out with it". I was surprised to see the change. But the point is, sometimes cats do unexpected things. So you never know what will happen, don't give up on Mew. I'm sure she appreciates you and the food you bring her.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have been sitting with her at her favorite spot, giving her some treats and she likes that.

 

[Aspychata]

The good thing about calling their name and rewarding them with a treat, is if there is a emergency and you need to get them quickly, this is a technique ready to roll, and of course l hope you never need to use it. My rescue cat never sat on my lap but he laid by our daughter when she was a toddler and was in bed. So there are tradeoffs, he suffered some abuse sadly. But he would walk by my side outdoors like a dog with no leash just about 30 feet.