My mother keeps comparing me to normies

[Judge]

Why should I have to pretend to be normal just so I can have friends? If my "friends" are people I have to fake myself around, then I'm better off with just a few close friends who see me for who I really am. I'm tired of living my life pretending to be someone I'm not.

Exactly. Mimicking NT behaviors can be exhausting. Not something one can do indefinitely. Ultimately you have to "choose your battles". To ration your ability to mask your own traits and behaviors. And to set aside time alone where you can recover accordingly. Solitude is your friend.

I would have had a nervous breakdown and shutdown trying to fake it 24/7. Nope...with friends and family they had to take me as I am most of the time.

 

[Questella]

Anywho: Said brother called me 'r*t*rd' and 'Austistic.' He even called this very site 'r*t*rd central.'

Wtf! Are you allowed to stab him? (Joking, sort of... Maybe a good slap? )

Used to have responses when my Mom said things like that:

I'd baa like a sheep.
Can we go to the mall? I need normal clothes.
I'll need birth control pills if I'm going to be normal.
All the normal kids have cars, so they can make out at the drive in.
So I should smoke pot and drink, are you giving me permission?

Whenever I said these things she would shake her head. Normal was her definition of normal, and she could never actually say what that was. Only that I was doing things that she didn't approve of; like riding my bike, swimming in the river, getting dirty, looking for fossils, hanging with friends whose parents she didn't know, reading too much. It was just control.

Once I asked her tell me what normal was, and she said that it was what everyone else did.

So we just need to surround ourselves with others that do 'weird' things we do and since everybody else will be doing them we will magically become normal! Nice!

But then on the sad side most people steal, cheat, lie and I don't want to be 'that' normal, it would just bother me...

 

[goraidders]

I have some advice. I am not sure it will help.

Do you think she is genuinely trying to help you? I know her motives do not change how it makes you feel, but motives matter. Figure out what exactly bothers you? Is it that she uses the term normal, is it the instructions that come after, or maybe both.

I know you said you have a hard time expressing yourself to your family, but maybe you could try writing her a note. Be honest, and tell her it hurts/bothers you. And try to be precise. What bothers you, and how you would prefer she say things. As a mother I want to help my daughter the best I can, but I don't always know the best way to do that. So when she tells me specific things it helps us both.

Find a way to tell your mother how you feel. You know her best, so you can figure out the way to get the best results. text, email, letter, start a conversation when you are both in a good frame of mind, etc. Tell her of your internal struggles, and how it makes you feel when she says normal. She may not even realize she uses that term or that it bothers you. She may just want to try to make life easier for you, and not know how to do so. So give her an alternative way to help you.

 

[AngelWings17]

I have some advice. I am not sure it will help.

Do you think she is genuinely trying to help you? I know her motives do not change how it makes you feel, but motives matter. Figure out what exactly bothers you? Is it that she uses the term normal, is it the instructions that come after, or maybe both.

I know you said you have a hard time expressing yourself to your family, but maybe you could try writing her a note. Be honest, and tell her it hurts/bothers you. And try to be precise. What bothers you, and how you would prefer she say things. As a mother I want to help my daughter the best I can, but I don't always know the best way to do that. So when she tells me specific things it helps us both.

Find a way to tell your mother how you feel. You know her best, so you can figure out the way to get the best results. text, email, letter, start a conversation when you are both in a good frame of mind, etc. Tell her of your internal struggles, and how it makes you feel when she says normal. She may not even realize she uses that term or that it bothers you. She may just want to try to make life easier for you, and not know how to do so. So give her an alternative way to help you.

At last! Some actually helpful advice.

But I feel like no matter how I try to tell her, she'll just get mad at me. My mother isn't exactly the easiest person to talk to.

 

[goraidders]

I wish I could help you there. It is never easy to talk to mothers. I still have problems talking to my Mom sometimes. It is also hard being a mother and talking to our daughter sometimes. Sometimes it is not that we get mad, but that we get hurt. And sometimes when people are hurt we get defensive without realizing. Mothers are not perfect no matter how hard we try. But most mothers only want the best for their children. And we cannot learn new skills without some feedback about why it is not working. Sydney and I started suing a time out a few years ago. We had gotten into a habit of getting too upset when we talked. So either one of us could call a time out, and stop the conversation. It was effective for us. But I understand as the daughter you cannot unilaterally institute that.

One thing I say is that our perception is our reality.

It sometimes doesn't matter what is real if our perception doesn't see it. We have to live with our perception. So communication is the only way to see another's perception. That may not actually change anything at times, but can make life easier if we understand where someone else is coming from.

 

[AngelWings17]

I wish I could help you there. It is never easy to talk to mothers. I still have problems talking to my Mom sometimes. It is also hard being a mother and talking to our daughter sometimes. Sometimes it is not that we get mad, but that we get hurt. And sometimes when people are hurt we get defensive without realizing. Mothers are not perfect no matter how hard we try. But most mothers only want the best for their children. And we cannot learn new skills without some feedback about why it is not working. Sydney and I started suing a time out a few years ago. We had gotten into a habit of getting too upset when we talked. So either one of us could call a time out, and stop the conversation. It was effective for us. But I understand as the daughter you cannot unilaterally institute that.

One thing I say is that our perception is our reality.

It sometimes doesn't matter what is real if our perception doesn't see it. We have to live with our perception. So communication is the only way to see another's perception. That may not actually change anything at times, but can make life easier if we understand where someone else is coming from.

As much as I would love for my mother to understand, and she does know that I have Asperger's, I feel like she'll think I'm just using it as an excuse to get out of something. That's really what my family thinks of me. That I'm an overdramatic liar who does nothing but complain and make excuses. And it's almost like they don't even want me to practice my art so I can have a career that I'll actually enjoy. They want me to work an office job. I cannot do that. It's not something that would leave me satisfied at the end of the day.

 

[Judge]

As much as I would love for my mother to understand, and she does know that I have Asperger's, I feel like she'll think I'm just using it as an excuse to get out of something. That's really what my family thinks of me. That I'm an overdramatic liar who does nothing but complain and make excuses. And it's almost like they don't even want me to practice my art so I can have a career that I'll actually enjoy. They want me to work an office job. I cannot do that. It's not something that -would leave me satisfied at the end of the day.

That's another thing to consider in explaining to your mother. While securing work is precarious no matter what you want or are looking for, that as someone on the spectrum it may not be in your best interest to seek employment where interaction with others is both required and routine.

You can't absolutely dictate what kind of work you'll end up with. Especially with minimal education and experience where competition for work remains keen. I sought work to survive more than anything. Job satisfaction came only on occasion for me, as opposed to a paycheck.

Though you can outline what is potentially good for you, and potentially bad for you. Office jobs can be all over the place in terms of social interaction. It usually depends on the job itself. But the sensory exposures can be pretty difficult, given working in such close proximity to others. That may be something you can or cannot tolerate. For NTs this may amount to an annoyance. For those of us on the spectrum, it can be anything from irritating to utterly intolerable.

In looking back at working in a hectic, noisy office environment for nearly 20 years, I have no idea how I survived. Though back then I had no idea just how toxic it was for me given no knowledge of my own neurological profile which I stumbled onto only many years later.

 

[AngelWings17]

That's another thing to consider in explaining to your mother. While securing work is precarious no matter what you want or are looking for, that as someone on the spectrum it may not be in your best interest to seek employment where interaction with others is both required and routine.

I've tried to tell her that I just can't do office jobs, but she just doesn't seem to get it. I've told her that I hit my social limits fairly quickly, and she still wants me to get jobs like she's had.

 

[Judge]

I've tried to tell her that I just can't do office jobs, but she just doesn't seem to get it. I've told her that I hit my social limits fairly quickly, and she still wants me to get jobs like she's had.

You'll just have to emphasize sensory tolerances. To be able to explain them in detail as to how much and what you can or cannot tolerate over a single day in an office environment. Working by yourself relatively undisturbed is a huge bonus for many of us on the spectrum. Self-employment even better, though more often than not it's difficult to achieve whether you're on the spectrum or not.

But always keep in mind there is a possibility that she may never get it. After all, she does not likely share your sensory issues as profoundly as you do. She can try to understand if she really wants to, but there are no guarantees.

 

[AngelWings17]

You'll just have to emphasize sensory tolerances. To be able to explain them in detail as to how much and what you can or cannot tolerate over a single day in an office environment.

But always keep in mind there is a possibility that she may never get it. After all, she does not likely share your sensory issues as profoundly as you do.

That is true. At most I can handle about three hours of socialization in the wrong environment. In the right environment, I can go about 5 or 6 hours depending on my starting energy level. That's why I always bring something with me so I can recharge a bit, but she gets mad at me for playing a game when I need some downtime.

 

[Judge]

That is true. At most I can handle about three hours of socialization in the wrong environment. In the right environment, I can go about 5 or 6 hours depending on my starting energy level. That's why I always bring something with me so I can recharge a bit, but she gets mad at me for playing a game when I need some downtime.

That's a critical thing to explain to any NT within your orbit- such as a parent.

That you MUST have a certain regular amount of solitude. How you spend it isn't as important as solitude itself. To detach yourself from humanity to "recharge" and once again deal with a world built on socialization that doesn't come naturally for us.

Which seems to be quite a alien concept to NTs. Especially those who so easily thrive on socialization in general, while it is more than likely exhausting for us, even in the most benign of circumstances.

 

[AngelWings17]

That's a critical thing to explain to any NT within your orbit- such as a parent.

That you MUST have a certain regular amount of solitude. How you spend it isn't as important as solitude itself. To detach yourself from humanity to "recharge" and once again deal with a world built on socialization that doesn't come naturally for us.

Which seems to be quite a alien concept to NTs. Especially those who so easily thrive on socialization in general, while it is more than likely exhausting for us, even in the most benign of circumstances.

Yeah... And it's worse right now since I'm tired all the time. I don't have much of a tolerance for socializing at the moment. (And even less of a tolerance for stupidity.)

 

[Keigan]

@AngelWings17 ,

Comments like that from a family member are hard, because we all want to do the right thing for them - the focus needs to be to do what we can. She has high asperations for you towards being "normal" in her mind, the problem is that her normal and your reality are different.

Potentially you can help her better understand what is possible and what is not.

I feel that I want to be accepted for who I am, not compared to someone I am not and can never become. I've mentioned this to a family member and it finally sunk into their head and their heart, they finally understand that them comparing me to normal was more harmful than supportive

 

[AngelWings17]

@AngelWings17 ,

Comments like that from a family member are hard, because we all want to do the right thing for them - the focus needs to be to do what we can. She has high asperations for you towards being "normal" in her mind, the problem is that her normal and your reality are different.

Potentially you can help her better understand what is possible and what is not.

I feel that I want to be accepted for who I am, not compared to someone I am not and can never become. I've mentioned this to a family member and it finally sunk into their head and their heart, they finally understand that them comparing me to normal was more harmful than supportive

While I would love to try to explain that to her, she would just think that I'm making it up as an excuse to get out of socializing. I love my mother, but it's almost as if she refuses to learn about ASD, and I'm pretty sure she has Asperger's herself. I've seen a lot of the signs that I display in her as well.

 

[Keigan]

There you go - she sees herself in you, in her own reflection in your eyes. Some times the truth is too much to face.

Best of luck, K