My ex-boyfriend is dating my best friend

[PollyAne]

The situation was like this: due to pandemics and distance, we broke up with my boyfriend. When we returned to college, we decided to see how our relations would go. We didn't get back together but we spent a lot of time together, acting like couple without making it official and everything was great. But I didn't know that my best friend was in love with my boyfriend. When a girl in our group jealous of my GPA spilled lies about me, my "best friend" said she was on my side but stopped talking to me. Then, when the jealous girl found out confidential things about my relationship (my feelings and situations that were true) from my "best friend", she told my boyfriend that and he broke off contact with me. I know that he also behaved badly, but I have the impression that he did it out of fear that I would turn out to be a manipulator and he preferred to step away just in case.

I don't know what to do because they seem happy even though most people say they aren't. By showing me their happiness, they make me sad, but when I find out that they are not doing well at all, I hope that he will come back to me, which also makes me sad. I tried to find someone else, but more and more I realize that I am not able to fall in love with anyone else. Do you have an idea what to do in such a situation?

 

[Raggamuffin]

I think that's more common than you might think. Best friends tend to share similar traits and qualities to us. Hence why break ups, cheating or new partners can unfortunately be with ex's and best friends etc.

Ed

 

[Judge]

Personally I would find this terribly offensive and disrespectful. Reflecting that your "best friend" is not who you think.

I'd be ghosting them both. Common or not, "take no prisoners". Too much emotional turmoil...even when you know your relationship was over.

Just too far beyond awkward, IMO.

 

[Orange Glasses]

Move on and forget them both.

There is someone out there worthy of your love.

 

[PollyAne]

Personally I would find this terribly offensive and disrespectful. Reflecting that your "best friend" is not who you think.

I'd be ghosting them both. Common or not, "take no prisoners". Too much emotional turmoil...even when you know your relationship was over.

Just too far beyond awkward, IMO.

Thank you, I was starting to think that I was the problem.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The soap opera-like gyrations of the entanglements and awkward communications tells me that any commitment between you and your boyfriend was situational to begin with. A lesson that anybody who would act upon negative rumors about somebody without first talking to that person is not a friend. Where was the trust? A man (?) who would behave the way you describe is not relationship material.

Lest you feel tempted to get back together if he should drop your former best friend, unlike investments, with people past performance IS an indicator of future returns.

 

[PollyAne]

Move on and forget them both.

There is someone out there worthy of your love.

Thank you, I need it that.

 

[Judge]

Thank you, I was starting to think that I was the problem.

Under such circumstances I don't think you're part of the problem- in whole or in part.

 

[PollyAne]

The soap opera-like gyrations of the entanglements and awkward communications tells me that any commitment between you and your boyfriend was situational to begin with. A lesson that anybody who would act upon negative rumors about somebody without first talking to that person is not a friend. Where was the trust? A man (?) who would behave the way you describe is not relationship material.

Thank you for your thought. I have to ask what does situational commitment means? Could you extend? He thinks that by not talking to me "he wasn't doing a drama" and I was doing it when I was trying to talk

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

You're welcome:

 

[Luca]

I've never been in a romantic relationship, but I've had friends who had this type of personality, and although it was difficult I had to completely cut them out of my life. They were causing so much drama that was really hurting my mental health and I'm doing so much better without them.

I'm sorry this happened to you though Judge is right, it's not your fault, at all. These are just toxic people who aren't worthy of your friendship.
Like Orange Glasses has said to you, there is someone out there who will see your worth. Don't settle for people who treat you badly, that was a lesson I had to learn the very hard way.
Move on and stay strong.

 

[Alaric593]

That's a lack of loyalty from a friend I don't abide. I had a former friend who tried to date a now ex nearly immediately after I had ended the relationship.

If he had come to me and discussed it with me before he tried to date her, I would have given my blessing because my feelings in that way for her were gone which is why I ended it.

But she is the one who told me about it because she said she didn't want me to believe that she had been the one trying to date him or had been seeing him while we were dating because she had made the mistake of believing he wanted to listen to her troubles about our relationship ending if I had learned they had been going out for coffee regularly.

But that my ex had more respect for me than he did because she's the one who told me about him asking her out on a date was an odd dynamic because of its asymmetry. Why would someone I had only known for three years and I had just bruised her ego only a month prior by breaking up with her have more loyalty and respect for me than someone I had been friends with for a decade?

I asked him about it and he went silent and finally confirmed it after being asked again.

I don't require much in terms of relationships of any type because I know I can be a lot to deal with so I try to not put many expectations on others in hopes they're more understanding of my eccentricities, but lack of loyalty and being forthright in matters which require it is a relationship ender for me. Those are not negotiable expectations to me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I see it as his commitment to you was determined by what was happening in the moment. His feelings and hence how close he felt towards you appears volatile to me depending what he was hearing from others. It was like when I thought i had friends, but did not understand that it was merely transactional, a quid pro quo. Everything was OK when I was sharing, but when there were important events where I wanted to share experiences with them, they did not want me to participate. I felt used.

I hope you recover from this setback and realize that there are accepting men out there seeking a relationship. And, let me add, while us aspies have difficulties maturing socially, when we finally meet a partner who is truly accepting of us I think we are fiercely loyal.

 

[PollyAne]

@Luca @Alaric593 @Gerald Wilgus

Thank you for your advice and support. Thanks to the support of you all, my family, friends and the therapist, I feel much better. The problem is that although I shouldn't have to see them anymore since May, they still appear everywhere. I will not mention everything but two most important situations.

My ex had his graduation exam the same day as my friend, so my friend and I went out to support her and I met him. And even though my ex and my ex-best friend are so happy together, she didn't come to support him. And it's not like she's working or anything because she's rich, so it's just a choice whether to watch Netflix today or support a boyfriend? However, when my ex saw me and my friend, it was not that he did not say hello to me, but also to him. Then, when I had the exams and my ex-best-friend, he came in but didn't enter the classroom (the exams was open to everyone to watch). Probably just to show me like always what I lost, what a great boyfriend he is and I'm trash. He even went to my friend (whom he doesn't like), he congratulated him on his award and he didn't say hello to me, even though I said hello to him.

Now, as part of the graduation celebration, we had trip with friends to Berlin. And as far as I knew, my ex-best friend had only plans to stay at home and a 2-weeks trip with her parents. Generally, I have their stories and posts muted on Instagram, but recently it seemed to me that I met them, so I wanted to check if it was really them, and she put something on the story. I didn't want to watch so that they wouldn't see that I saw. However, I saw that she added a highlighted story and she never had anything there and I thought that I wouldnt be listed on view list. That's why I opened it and it turned out that she is in Bulgaria. I thought that she is there with parents. The next day I entered the highlighted stories again (thinking they wouldn't notice that I was viewing) but there were new stories there (so they saw it) and it turned out that they had their photo there hald-naked on the beach. They went to his parents' house in Bulgaria because we were in Berlin. Apart from that, for 8 days she was posting only pictures of food, beaches and buildings, and suddenly she saw that I was looking at her photos and the next day she posted a picture with him. Who does that?

I would also like to add that 2 weeks before submitting my diploma thesis, someone posted my thesis on the Internet. Only people from my graduation group, i.e. my ex-bestfriend, had access to it. At the police, I had to provide a list of suspects, i.e. people who have access to it and former partners who harbor hatred. I reported it, but after talking to my father and friends, we came to the conclusion that it would be worth warning him about it because his father is conservative and likes to abuse him. I warned him that if he had been summoned, he would not come with his father. What did he do? He was trying to make a fool of me that "you think we don't have better things to do?" even though a month ago they had lied about me to a guy I barely know. xD I don't even know if it was him, and I wasn't accusing him. I just suggested that if he got a summons, he wouldn't go there with his father. This was before graduation exam.