My brother just doesn't understand

[Telsa]

I'm staying with my brother in a major U.S. city. For the past 12 years, we've barely spoken, mostly because of life and living far apart. We were young and care free and without responsibilities. A lot has changed since then. We are now adults, and in that time apart is when I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Needless to say, we are very different people. He is neurotypical, outgoing, extroverted. I'm not. Obviously.

We're butting heads because he doesn't "get it." He says I never say thank you or ask how his day went or how he's doing. I tell him that I'm sorry, I just didn't think of it, and that I do care. He says I don't show it.

He says I never talk to his partner or his friends, and that they find me awkward and being around me is awkward. I told him sorry, I just have poor social skills. I'm a listener, not a talker. He told me to get over it and start talking.

He says I never get out and do things. I told him I'm sorry, I don't understand the public transportation system, it confuses me, and being out with all the people and sounds causes me great anxiety. He told me to get over it. Learn the system and get used to being out and about.

He said I'm too obsessed with my books and studies. It's all I do. I told him I'm sorry, it's just what I'm interested in. He told me to find different interests.

He said I don't show manners around the house. I pick up after myself and myself only. I told him that I'm sorry, I just didn't think to do anything else. My focus is on my world and the things I'm directly involved in. He said he'll leave me a list as a reminder.

And so on and so forth. I finally said, look, man, you know I've always been different. You haven't seen much of me in our adult lives, but that hasn't changed. The only thing that is different is we are both adults now and we know I'm different because I have Aspergers. He told me that I need to stop using it as a "crutch" and to get over it and overcome it. I said that Autism isn't something you just overcome. You're Autistic and that's that. I'm always going to do things that baffle you, confuse you, and even piss you off. I can't stop being Autistic anymore than you can stop being gay or that a person with Down Syndrome can stop having Down Syndrome. He still doesn't get it and it seems I can't get through to him. He says he doubts I'm Autistic because I don't "seem like it." What he meant was, I don't have language issues, I'm not "slow", I don't spin in circles, etc. The typical low functioning stereotype people who aren't Autistic have. This is so frustrating.

 

[Suzanne]

I can relate, because my husband is very similar to your brother. He is of the belief that I am using what is going on, to get out of doing things.

He also jokes with taking things literal. He also said that surely if you learn that something is not to be taken literal, you can then go from there? I said: it is not like that! Sometimes I know it is not literal, but in my head I see a different picture and actually react because of that picture! He was the one who frustratingly and with anger shouted: the problem with you, is you take things literal and now, that I have agreed, he is going the other way!

Basically, it is them not being bothered to accomodate us, and so thrust that responsibility on to our shoulders! My husband has said: look, you live in a neurotypical world, so get used to it and I say very quietly: I have "got on with it" all these years and think that now it is time that you tried to understand me!

I come here, because it gives me relief.

 

[OkRad]

I'm staying with my brother in a major U.S. city. For the past 12 years, we've barely spoken, mostly because of life and living far apart. We were young and care free and without responsibilities. A lot has changed since then. We are now adults, and in that time apart is when I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Needless to say, we are very different people. He is neurotypical, outgoing, extroverted. I'm not. Obviously.

We're butting heads because he doesn't "get it." He says I never say thank you or ask how his day went or how he's doing. I tell him that I'm sorry, I just didn't think of it, and that I do care. He says I don't show it.

He says I never talk to his partner or his friends, and that they find me awkward and being around me is awkward. I told him sorry, I just have poor social skills. I'm a listener, not a talker. He told me to get over it and start talking.

He says I never get out and do things. I told him I'm sorry, I don't understand the public transportation system, it confuses me, and being out with all the people and sounds causes me great anxiety. He told me to get over it. Learn the system and get used to being out and about.

He said I'm too obsessed with my books and studies. It's all I do. I told him I'm sorry, it's just what I'm interested in. He told me to find different interests.

He said I don't show manners around the house. I pick up after myself and myself only. I told him that I'm sorry, I just didn't think to do anything else. My focus is on my world and the things I'm directly involved in. He said he'll leave me a list as a reminder.

And so on and so forth. I finally said, look, man, you know I've always been different. You haven't seen much of me in our adult lives, but that hasn't changed. The only thing that is different is we are both adults now and we know I'm different because I have Aspergers. He told me that I need to stop using it as a "crutch" and to get over it and overcome it. I said that Autism isn't something you just overcome. You're Autistic and that's that. I'm always going to do things that baffle you, confuse you, and even piss you off. I can't stop being Autistic anymore than you can stop being gay or that a person with Down Syndrome can stop having Down Syndrome. He still doesn't get it and it seems I can't get through to him. He says he doubts I'm Autistic because I don't "seem like it." What he meant was, I don't have language issues, I'm not "slow", I don't spin in circles, etc. The typical low functioning stereotype people who aren't Autistic have. This is so frustrating.

It is frustrating indeed. I sympathize. I had a roomie who called me bizarre and weird and ignorant and flat out criticized me all the time till I totally stopped talking in any capacity. I had had enough.

Then they were all wanting me to talk again. Why ? I could do no right.

It was traumatic and I was stuck there for two years because I had no where else to go.

Best I can say is close down into your Autism. It is a gift when these things happen. I mean, that is what saved me. I just shut down, fell deep into my autism and blocked it out.

I would not say it is a good thing, but it can save your life and sanity if it gets really bad. I hope it does not get really bad for you!

This is one of the reasons I think non-verbal autistics have it better. No one harangues them and people have a better understanding even if we are exactly alike in every other capacity other than talking. Seems odd to me.

 

[Judge]

I can't stop being Autistic anymore than you can stop being gay or that a person with Down Syndrome can stop having Down Syndrome. He still doesn't get it and it seems I can't get through to him.

That's tragic that even being gay doesn't allow him to be somewhat sympathetic or understanding of autism. I've always seemed to get along with gay males although I am decidedly straight myself. Of course now I have a better understanding of why. But clearly not everyone relates or sympathizes with others on such a level.

But then my cousin doesn't get it either, and she's quite knowledgeable of medical issues having worked in health insurance for so many years. Yet my own brother truly gets it with utterly no medical background at all. Go figure.

It is quite frustrating at times at how some understand while others don't. Worse are those who don't want to understand, and simply expect or demand that we conform to a social majority whether we want to or not. As if we all just had some sort of "bad attitude", which is not the case with neurological considerations.

 

[Mia]

He sounds very controlling, much like my two older siblings. Some people tend towards being judgemental and critical, it indicates quite low self-esteem. As they judge others, they essentially do the same to themselves subconsciously in a much more severe way.

They hold themselves to extremely high standards, and are hypercritical of everyone around them. Your brother may be an aspie himself, who has pushed himself to be social and extroverted, to fit it. Many aspies pass that way and never understand why their heads are full of conflicting thoughts. It often leads to meltdowns and even breakdowns that they attribute to burn out, or to other people.

I stopped long ago explaining myself to people, especially siblings, who felt that they somehow had a right to tell me how to live my life. I considered theirs, over the long term, realizing that not only were these people unaware, they were also chronically unhappy. Somehow, focusing on others helps them forget how troubled they actually are. That way they didn't have to deal with or consider their own problems.

 

[ksheehan88]

Tell him to **** off.

One of my brothers is very understanding and "gets it", I think because he also has AS (he hasn't sought a diagnosis, but agrees that it would make alot of sense).

The other one... to quote; "You aren't depressed, you smile and laugh sometimes so how can you be depressed? As for anxiety... you just need to stop worrying about everything. You're just making problems where there aren't any."

Needless to say I haven't even mentioned AS to him, because I'm afraid if I do I will end up punching him in the throat because he's so stupidly narrow-minded.

 

[toothless]

This is one of the reasons I think non-verbal autistics have it better. No one harangues them and people have a better understanding even if we are exactly alike in every other capacity other than talking. Seems odd to me.

as an ex non verbal autist,i dont think its been easier,what happens is people dont tell us we are 'this or that' to our face,they tell it to other people such as family or support staff around us and act like we cant hear and are thick and dead to the world because we cant speak,i found it incredibly disrespectful and also highly frustrating because i couldnt defend myself or other autists i lived with,i began using communication devices [and ended up being a tester for companies like dynavox!] and communicated exactly how i felt about what they said,i was highly pissed off at them for saying things like i am to low functioning to understand that i was being sexually abused so its ok for them to let mike get away with it,or that i dont have autism because i have profound hearing sensitivity and the most profoundly autistic person in the institution didnt have ANY hearing sensitivity at all, now whose the 'thick' one? those staff should have realised the profoundly autistic lady they were talking about was also profoundly deaf and could only hear very slight sound.

i personally think if people say you are 'this or that' [i cant think of any other way to put it] then you should back away from them,it will do your mental health good,listening to people tell you that you are something you are not is painful because as autists we believe in fact,logic and truth and it hurts to hear someone force their wrong opinion on us.

only educate an ignorant person if they are educateable-dont argue for arguings sake as its like talking to a brick wall and it wont do you any good,some family will never understand, my sister for example doesnt understand why i see my autism as part of my identity and not a tragic disease,she also said she would never want to have a child who had autism because of how ive experienced it,what does she know? i believe i wouldnt have such a rich personality if it wasnt for all my life experiences,id hate to be NT.
what might help some people is to find a biography of an autistic whom you most relate to and give it to the person to read,they may or may not be able to relate it to you and your experience.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

First of all, stop apologising. You have no reason to. It's not your fault you're like this.

You should keep drilling the point into his head that you're autistic and that you will find some things difficult. That's life. Keep drawing comparisons to his homosexuality, he has no doubt had to overcome other people's opinions and beliefs on it. That should be something he can empathise with you on if you treat autism the same way.

 

[Telsa]

He sounds very controlling, much like my two older siblings. Some people tend towards being judgemental and critical, it indicates quite low self-esteem. As they judge others, they essentially do the same to themselves subconsciously in a much more severe way.

They hold themselves to extremely high standards, and are hypercritical of everyone around them. Your brother may be an aspie himself, who has pushed himself to be social and extroverted, to fit it. Many aspies pass that way and never understand why their heads are full of conflicting thoughts. It often leads to meltdowns and even breakdowns that they attribute to burn out, or to other people.

I stopped long ago explaining myself to people, especially siblings, who felt that they somehow had a right to tell me how to live my life. I considered theirs, over the long term, realizing that not only were these people unaware, they were also chronically unhappy. Somehow, focusing on others helps them forget how troubled they actually are. That way they didn't have to deal with or consider their own problems.

He's most certainly not an Aspie. He's always been the same "normal" and extroverted and successful person. He's never shown any signs. It would be truly astounding to me if he were an Aspie. He's just like any other neurotypical person.

 

[Telsa]

First of all, stop apologising. You have no reason to. It's not your fault you're like this.

You should keep drilling the point into his head that you're autistic and that you will find some things difficult. That's life. Keep drawing comparisons to his homosexuality, he has no doubt had to overcome other people's opinions and beliefs on it. That should be something he can empathise with you on if you treat autism the same way.

I plan on having another conversation with him.

When we were young, our parents hated his homosexuality, and they told him that he would "be straight" as long as he lived at home. He had many "cover" girlfriends, some of whom he had sexual intercourse with. He confided in me and told me how disgusted he was to have had to have a girlfriend and to have had sexual intercourse with her.

I plan to ask him to remember what that was like, being forced to be someone he wasn't. How uncomfortable were you having to suppress your homosexuality? How horrified were you to have to go through the motions of having a parter that you were in no way attracted to? Could you live your whole life being someone you're not? Could you go through the motions every single day? Be uncomfortable every single day? Find yourself in a horrifying position every single day? Of course not!

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I plan on having another conversation with him.

When we were young, our parents hated his homosexuality, and they told him that he would "be straight" as long as he lived at home. He had many "cover" girlfriends, some of whom he had sexual intercourse with. He confided in me and told me how disgusted he was to have had to have a girlfriend and to have had sexual intercourse with her.

I plan to ask him to remember what that was like, being forced to be someone he wasn't. How uncomfortable were you having to suppress your homosexuality? How horrified were you to have to go through the motions of having a parter that you were in no way attracted to? Could you live your whole life being someone you're not? Could you go through the motions every single day? Be uncomfortable every single day? Find yourself in a horrifying position every single day? Of course not!

Good for you. After you've explained it like that if he's worth anything he should come to the conclusion that although he might not understand it, he is going to have to try to understand it and accept it.

 

[Telsa]

It's a lost cause. He just doesn't understand. Whether he can't or simply refuses, I'm not sure. He told me that he can't wait until I'm gone because he can't handle my "disabilities." Disabilities in quotation marks because he said it with some sarcasm or a "get over it" or it's "********" kind of tone. He said that I can't compare it to his homosexuality, and shut down any attempt of mine to draw the parallels. Quite frankly, my brother is an arrogant prick.

 

[artfull dodger]

My wife was very dismissive of my diagnosis till she had her sit down with the therapist to explain that she wasn't going to change me and that she had to either accept me for the way I am or move on. She chose to stay with me and while she still has her moments, she always says she is sorry after overstepping her bounds. Mike

 

[Mia]

This may have something to do with birth order in general. Older siblings don't learn how to compromise with others learning inviolable rights as children. They tend toward being controlling and aggressive and dictatorial to get their way. Some eventually learn to compromise, but many don't. Often why they are unhappy when people don't do exactly what they want.

 

[Telsa]

This may have something to do with birth order in general. Older siblings don't learn how to compromise with others learning inviolable rights as children. They tend toward being controlling and aggressive and dictatorial to get their way. Some eventually learn to compromise, but many don't. Often why they are unhappy when people don't do exactly what they want.

I'm the oldest.

 

[Mia]

Well then let's reverse it. It sometimes depends on the person and how they are treated, they might be the favourite child, the golden child. That accounts for a different sets of circumstances.

 

[Mia]

Wish I could give you some advice Tesla, this seems like a pretty hurtful situation for you, one in which you're misunderstood by your sibling who won't even attempt to understand. Somehow they can't make the leap of thinking beyond their own strictures. Understanding asperger's and accepting it for what it is and is not, can be a lifelong struggle for some.

Would have assumed that someone who has lived their life differently from the usual social norms, would be more open to understanding the difficulties that it engenders. It may have quite a lot to do with how difficult his own struggles have been, so much so that he's able only to focus on himself. And turned inward as it relates to empathy. But that doesn't do anything for you, it's much like coming up against a barrier every time. My own coping mechanism has been to keep those kinds of people out of my life. And in your situation, distancing yourself might be one of the only solutions.

 

[HermanHesse]

Sadly, it seems like no one I knew ever got that Aspergers wasn't something that would go away.